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The Annoyance AP2.5 with Kyle Dolan

Don't feel guilty for feeling my feelings.

I started a scene with a strong "deal" (i.e., pre-wedding jitters) but after a few beats, started feeling guilty for monopolizing the scene, so I shifted focus away from my character and onto my scene partner. We putzed around for a while until Kyle side-coached for me to talk more about my wedding. Afterwards, Kyle, my scene partner, and I talked a bit about the guilt that led me to put my "deal" on the backburner and play the nice improviser. I was reminded that when I'm strong (in a scene), I can help ground both myself and my partner. My strong perspective is a gift and not an imposition.

So what's with the guilt? Why is my own permission not enough for me to feel and maintain my feelings? Why do I require an external authority (e.g., Kyle or Dave Asher or my therapist) to tell/remind me to do so?

Give myself permission (to notice my feelings and to feel them for the duration that they are there). Well this is relatively new for me and very much a work-in-progress. I still need help and I can't do it all by myself just yet. (As I type this, I am visited haunted by the image, from maybe the second time I took iO Level 3, of Dave pretending to be me and yelling "VALIDATE ME!" at my external world.) Ok, Dave in my head, I know, but I can't validate myself all the time just yet. To very loosely paraphrase stuff from object relations theories, it helps, in this case, to internalize an authority figure and have this internalized figure tell me to validate/authorize myself until I can just do it all by myself.

The Annoyance AP2 w/ Kyle Dolan

Group process reactions

Kyle's a really playful and relaxed guy, which puts me at ease and enables me to just have fun. The group is so very different from Dave's classes at iO. First, Kyle's class is about half the size of Dave's (cue group relations theory on small vs. large groups). Also, in Kyle's class, there's this manic energy darting about the room - people talking animatedly and quickly, jokes being thrown around - that I feel more relaxed, but also rushed* and not so grounded** compared to my experience in Dave's class at iO. I also struggled to keep up with the rapid-fire talking, only catching about 85% of what was said. This last part could be because I'm out of practice with hearing so much English having been abroad for a month, but it is more likely something group dynamics-y (the latter is a more exciting hypothesis, anyway).

*We are directed to "say/do something right away" in a scene, without taking any beats to "feel my feelings and believe that they're real" or to "use my mind to ground my body" or to "start at peace" - Dave's notes for me.

**I'm also quite relaxed though, so maybe I don't need the mindful grounding work as much as I did at iO?

Notes

Economy of words. Take a risk and use a period / Take a risk and stop talking.

Name things/make things explicit/explicitly acknowledge and accept your partner's contributions. I do this a lot, where I fully hear and accept the reality of my scene partner's contributions (e.g., we are cats) but forget to outwardly acknowledge it (until maybe many beats later, when it comes up). I carry on the scene (e.g., discussing my admiration for her) while fully believing in this new reality (e.g., imagining the color of our furs), but because I don't explicitly acknowledge the new piece of information, an observer may think I've missed this new piece of information entirely.