Tuesday, January 21, 2025, 11:24 PM
I’m so tired.
I need to not exist for a little bit.
Stop moving.
Stop hearing.
Stop breathing.
Stop thinking.
I don’t have a job.
I have no money.
My bills are behind.
I’m lying to him.
Papa hurt Grandma.
Grandma needs help.
Health insurance.
Disability.
Paid leave.
Union rep.
Grandma cries almost every day.
Uncle is doing drugs.
With my mom.
And Auntie.
The kids have no food except at Grandma's house.
He has a girlfriend with three small children.
Including a young girl.
Repeating.
Repeating.
Repeating.
My brother is friends with him.
My brother is a loser.
My brother used to be my best friend.
Great-grandma belongs in a home.
The other brother is complicated.
The foster parent.
I hate her.
My sister needs someone to save her.
I’m supposed to be that savior.
She needs me.
I need her.
I can’t have her.
Everyone needs me.
But I’m not the savior I used to be.
I’m powerless.
I’m in the way.
I’m messy.
I’m tired, and my hands are tied.
I have empty promises.
No haven.
No funds.
No strength.
I need a savior.
Someone help me.
It never ends.
If I sit still as death, feeling my heart beating and my shoulders breathing, while staring at nothing, it doesn’t end.
Everything keeps moving.
Another piece.
Another fight.
Another call.
Another word.
Another sound.
Another labored breath.
Another thought.
Another tingle in my guts.
Another try staring at the pans on the wall to make the world stop moving.
More breathing.
More sounds.
No control.