Louis makes the track team! Not only that, he’s poised to be the new star runner! The only problem is that Louis runs as slow as a sloth. Sound confusing? Well, it’s all part of Larry Beale’s plan to set him up for failure and humiliation.
It’s only the second episode of the entire series and things are already starting to pick up amazingly. This episode is packed with memorable and quotable lines, many of which I still use to this day. This one continues with the theme established from day one: Louis trying to discover something he’s good at. I love this theme. It makes for some awesome character growth and it works really well here!
It opens with Coach Tugnut rallying up the boys in gym class, announcing that there’s an open spot on the track team. This of course, somehow segues into him worshiping Donnie Stevens and ranting about how much of a legend he is and what an asset he once was to the track team. Well, to every team actually. If Ren is the academic overachiever, Donnie is the athletic overachiever. Tugnut yells at the class army style to turn right and bow their heads. We then get a shot of this giant mural dedicated to Donnie excelling at every sport ever with patriotic music playing in the background. It’s incredible. It also includes one of the greatest unspoken quotes ever:
Donnie needs to give a TED Talk. Stat.
While this Donnie praise is happening, they make a point to show Larry Beale -- who I’m assuming is Coach Tugnut’s assistant since he’s not in Grade 7, looking visibly disgusted. He mumbles “Donnie Stevens is over. It’s my turn now” to himself. Oh, boy.
They head out to the track to do some timed sprints. Of course, Larry is the one with the stopwatch. Larry’s sort of taunting all the kids trying to motivate them to run faster. When it’s Louis’ turn we get a line that always gets a laugh out of me:
The thought of Louis “running” slow enough to take days to reach point B is great. Gotta love his self-awareness.
To everyone’s surprise, Louis is extremely fast. Even faster than Donnie’s best time. Could this be Louis’ “thing” he’s good at?! Don’t get your hopes up. Larry purposely clocked his time in at 18.25 seconds... which is probably a good 8-10 seconds before Louis actually finished lol. Tugnut is shocked and gives Louis the vacant spot on the team immediately.
Tugnut is totally kissing Louis’ butt now because he thinks he’s carrying on the Stevens Dynasty. Louis is seriously amazed that he’s so fast!! “I always knew you had it in you!!” Tugnut tells him. And then we get yet another line I love:
Legendary save, Tugnut. Legendary save. I literally use this quote whenever the opportunity arises.
Louis starts hanging out with Donnie more to get some sports advice. Donnie suggests the most ridiculous things like putting mousse in your hair for aerodynamic-ness and shaving your legs to run like the wind. Which results in a line you’ve undoubtedly heard: “Donnie, I’m running track -- not modeling pantyhose.”
We see that Ren has been assigned to cover sports for the school newspaper. She discovers that Louis made the track team, and is immediately suspicious. I’d be too, tbh. I mean, this is the same kid who gets cramped up and winded just from tying his shoes. Louis is pretty excited about this new-found talent, though. He’s finally starting to feel like a true member of the Stevens family. Naturally, this goes to his head and he’s already dreaming of becoming a multimillionaire Olympic athlete:
Do athletes just stand in the middle of a packed arena and get handed giant checks for 40 mil? Like... is that a thing? Not to mention, the check is from “Hoop Stars” and clearly shows a basketball player logo. Okay.
Around this point, we start to see Louis succumbing to peer pressure a bit. This happens a few more times throughout the series. Yet another symptom of desperately wanting to fit into his family. He ditches Tawny and Twitty at lunch to hang out with Larry and the popular jocks.
Larry is so fake. Louis is so pure. I’m so sad.
Ren stops by to get a quote from Louis about the big meet against Rockport and he gives the most awkwardly ridiculous and overdramatic statement. That patriotic music we heard earlier kicks in again. It’s great. The cherry on top is when he mispronounces Rockport “Rock-a-por.”
Later that day before practice, Louis takes Donnie’s mousse advice a little too far:
You’ve probably seen gifs from this scene. (Especially the gif version of the photo I chose for the cover picture.)
He shows up to practice feelin’ all suave with his moussed-to-death hair. There’s a “Staying Alive” knock-off playing as he walks towards the track. I actually love that this show basically never got the rights to use the legitimate songs. It sort of makes everything funnier, imo. That, and Disney Channel is cheap apparently and don’t permanently pay for the rights to popular songs. Dunno if I mentioned this before, but Lizzie McGuire was pretty much the channel’s most popular show and was super trendy/caught up in Early 00′s pop culture. Therefore, that show used SO MANY official songs. 16 years later, almost all of those songs are missing in the reruns and replaced with terrible stock music. An iconic scene like the “Us Against The World” music video is not nearly as impactful or nostalgic because they’re dancing to generic techno music now. It SUCKS. So, thank god Even Stevens never used any. Their stock music sort of works subconsciously. The song used here is totally not “Staying Alive” -- but it’s juuust close enough that it triggers your brain and you remember it as “Staying Alive.” Kinda cool.
Side note: It’s so difficult to not quote almost every line of this episode. There are so many good ones, I have to keep stopping myself from typing out a freaking transcript.
Anyway, Ren observes Louis and Larry practicing and it’s crystal clear that Larry is holding back for whatever reason.
Be a little less obvious, Larry. Also, sorry for all the gifs. I can’t help myself.
Ren puts the pieces together and figures out what Larry is up to. His plan is to set Louis up to fail big time at the meet. That way when he beats Louis, he’ll be able to gloat about beating “the fastest Stevens of all!” Makes sense. Ren tries telling Louis, but of course, he doesn’t believe her........ WE GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN ONE EPISODE LATER IN WHAT’LL IDOL DO, JUST REVERSED. God. Siblings not believing each other drives me insaaaane. I understand where Louis’ unwillingness to believe is coming from though. He insists that Larry is Ren’s enemy, not his, and he’s just so excited to finally have something to be good at. It breaks my heart.
Ren later apologizes and tells Louis that she’s proud of him. Louis rants again about everyone in the family having their “thing” and now that he’s found his he’s not gonna let anyone take it away. But, Ren tells him “You HAVE your thing. You’re... funny.” *Cue the emotional piano. Literally.* You can tell those words really mean a lot to him.
We’ve made it to the big track meet. Coach Tugnut gives the guys possibly the greatest motivational words ever: “Remember, it’s not whether you win or lose -- as long as you come in first.” Perfect. There’s also a great bit here where Donnie is stretching Louis’ leg and asks him when the last time he stretched was. Louis is clearly in pain and says “I don’t have a schedule with me right now... but if I were to guess..... uhh.... NEVER?!” - This is so me. I’ve also used that quote before.
We learn that Louis’ main rival is some dude Trevor Dunn. As the runners take off, both Trevor and Larry dramatically fall halfway to the finish line. Victory is within Louis’ reach... If he just keeps running, he’ll totally win! But what does he do?! He runs over to help them instead. The sucky thing is, Larry faked his injury and pulls Louis to the ground like “lol got ya” and wins the race. Louis stays behind and comforts Trevor, who has an actual sprained ankle. What a sweetheart. Louis is cracking jokes (”Talk about the agony of da-feet. Please, no standing ovations.”) and making Trevor laugh pretty hard. So, Trevor casually says “You’re funny.” :’) This time it means so much more coming from someone who’s not his sister.
Even though Larry won, the entire crowd is cheering “LOUIS, LOUIS!” for his good deed. Larry is fuming.
The final scene is a sweet mirror talk. I think I’ve mentioned enough how much I love and miss these. This one is a favorite of mine:
"The best thing that happened to me today? A kid called me funny. And as much as I like being on the track team and hanging out with my brother... I like being funny more."
This is so heartwarming. Because it’s obvious that comedy is truly his "thing." It’s nice to see him accept that. (Even though he still struggles later on.) This is another parallel with Shia, I think. He has suuuch a natural gift for comedy. I want him to embrace it more these days!!! *sigh* Plz god.
Louis also ends up getting Student of the Month and his picture is adorable lol
I really, really like this episode.
I feel like most people remember this one pretty well. If you watched Disney Channel during Even Stevens’ original run, then you most definitely remember a slew of quotes. Its quotability is the main reason I’ve ranked this towards the higher end of the list. I also have a soft spot for this episode in general and there’s some nice character development as well.
Like I’ve mentioned before, Disney hammers the first few episodes of a show into the freaking ground. I swear I’ve seen the same few episodes of Andi Mack and Raven’s Home on TV every single day since they premiered. That’s basically what they did with Even Stevens, too. It’s part of what makes Season 1 particularly memorable at times. There really isn’t much that I dislike about this one. Like most S1 episodes, it’s just a little slower. Since it’s super early in the series, the overall plot feels very Late 90′s Disney Channel. Similar to All About Yvette. (I feel like I bring that episode up constantly lol) There’s just a certain pure, old school, generic quality to it that simply cannot be accurately explained and somehow makes me feel a little neutral about it.
That being said, this is only EPISODE 2!!!! Considering that, it’s top-notch honestly. Right out the gate, we’re getting to see more sides to Louis Stevens. Naïve, arrogant/head in the clouds, caring, funny. And of course, we ultimately see what a good kid at heart he is. And boy, do I love to see that. :D
#34: Season 3, Episode 7 - “Raiders of the Lost Sausage”
Louis accidentally discovers that there might very well be buried treasure under his house and he’s determined to retrieve it. An Indiana Jones parody ensues. Meanwhile, Ren and Larry are literally tied together by the school guidance counselor in an attempt to end their rivalry. It’s quality content.
The very first minute of this episode lets you know right away that you’ve hit good’ol zany as hell Season 3. It opens with an emu being delivered to the Stevens house. Yes, an emu. Louis ordered one on a whim one day. We get a flashback to when he ordered it, which is pretty great. He called the totally legit and not completely asinine sounding company “Emu For You” and started awkwardly dancing to the jazzy elevator hold music.
Steve is the one who has to accept the emu delivery and is obviously furious. The bird immediately starts eating a family photo and I love how even in a professional, dressy portrait -- Louis is still wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
I want a relationship with someone as strong as the bond between Louis Stevens and Hawaiian shirts.
Louis is currently in the basement with Twitty and Tom, “bowling” with a frozen turkey and some soda bottles (the usual) -- when suddenly the frozen turkey goes flying through the wall, revealing a suspicious small tunnel.
Steve confronts Louis about the emu and Louis pulls some lame excuse out of his butt for ordering it. He says they should start breeding emus. Steve is all “Breed emus.... With one bird...” pointing out that lil flaw in Louis’ idea. That’s pretty funny. There’s a bit here where Eileen finds a giant emu egg and interrupts their conversation through the basement window, and gets attacked by the bird. You don’t actually see it happening though, all you see are feathers flying everywhere. Steve goes to help her and he too gets attacked. I always cringe at this, tbh. It’s just one of those wacky Season 3 gags. Anyway... Louis, Twitty and Tom agree to meet up the next day and investigate the tunnel.
Now, onto the subplot! We see Ren and Larry in Principal Wexler’s office, in trouble for accidentally pieing him in the face. They had the responsibility of choosing a new dessert for the cafeteria and couldn’t agree on one. They were goiiiing to pie each other, but Wexler walked between them that exact second. Of course. They’re still fervently arguing in front of Wexler so he decides that their rivalry has gone too far and they need to work it out with the school guidance counselor.
This photo makes me relate to the “....now kiss!” meme.
Louis does some hardcore research on what that tunnel in the house might lead to and comes to an... interesting conclusion. He discovers that a man named Grover Frazee, creator of Frazee Sausages, owned the property their house is built on. He became super rich off of the company and Louis believes that he most likely buried his fortune at the end of the tunnel. Something interesting: take a look at the opening credits for the episode...
Written by SCOTT FRAZEE! Dude legit named this sausage guy character after himself, lol. I always thought that was cute. I’ve said many times before that the writers are always throwing personal things in. I love it. Check out Grover’s bio though... yikes.
I’m not sure I’d be proud of that legacy. Also, he died at 43 years old... Pretty young. Maybe he ate a contaminated sausage and croaked. Also, all this talk of sausages feels like another innuendo. This show has no chill.
Louis put so much effort into his analysis, though. He treated it like a freaking college research project. Again, if he put this much effort into actual school assignments, he’d give Ren a run for her scholastic money. Tom is pretty great here. He starts singing the “We bet, you’ll go crazy... for that great, taste of Frazeeeee” jingle. It’s fantastic.
Ms. Shannon, the guidance counselor, decides to try an experimental exercise with Ren and Larry: Physically tying them together for 5 school days. As much as I looove this subplot, this always bothered me. Mainly because, how the heck does Ms. Shannon expect that to work? What if they have different classes, or need to be at different places at the same time, etc? We get a montage showing how they struggle with stuff like this throughout the day. The only issue is that the length of the leash dramatically changes depending on the scene. It’s so frustrating!
They clearly kept changing the length just so certain ideas could work. It bothers me so much, lol. I’m also 100% positive that’s not even where Ren’s locker is.
Louis, Twitty and Tom get to work shoveling out the tunnel. They bring in Beans to be their “dirt moving specialist” which is so annoying. He carries dirt in his pants from the basement to their laundry room like an idiot. They literally spend a minute showing him walking back and forth past Steve. It takes so long for Steve to catch on, it’s... ugh.
Why is he standing on the top of the little mound like that? lol. He says he’s putting the dirt in the laundry room because “there’s a big, scary bird in the backyard!”
Steve obviously goes down to the basement and catches them in the shoveling act. Twitty asks Louis what he’s going to do with his share of the money and Louis says “You know I’ve always wanted to travel. Help out the folks. Might even buy the old man a nice toupee, ahh?!” -- Unfortunately, Twitty is gone and replaced by Steve. We get a legendary Louis Scream. Can we talk about how Louis has always wanted to travel, though??? I suddenly want to see a happy Louis Stevens backpacking across the country later in life... oh wait. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Shia LaBeouf is Louis Stevens, y’all. The similarities never end.
Steve is piiiissssed. Louis tries to explain that he’s done his research and there’s definitely... probably... buried treasure there. But, since Louis is always goofing off, Steve is convinced it’s another one of his crazy “half-baked schemes.” “NO! IT’S NOT HALF-BAKED! IT’S FULLY BAKED!!!” Louis insists. Steve basically temporarily grounds him. There’s a great bit with Donnie eating an emu egg that Eileen cooked for him. They’re delicious apparently, so she starts to see the bright side to having the bird around. “When life gives you lemons!” she says. And Donnie’s all “.......no, mom. They’re eggs.” What an underrated character. Steve walks in and starts complaining about Louis. Donnie pulls a 180 and tells him “You don’t have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis.” Dang, Donnie coming through with the proverbs. Steve takes this to heart and starts looking into Louis’ research.
Louis is so smart when he wants to be. Steve appreciates this.
They make this scene into a trippy sequence with eerie tinkering piano in the background as Steve remembers Donnie’s reverberating words of wisdom. I’ve always really liked this. We think he’s hearing Donnie’s voice in his head, but it’s actually Donnie creeping from around the corner saying the sentence repeatedly. “I heard you the first time, finish your eggs!” Steve says. This is hilarious. Immediately after that, they make the hands on a clock spin out of control, making it seem like hours and hours are passing by while Steve looks into Louis’ research. But then Steve just walks up to it and says “...I gotta fix that clock.” I always thought this was so freaking funny but to this day my mom doesn’t understand the joke and it drives me craaaaaazy! Louis comes downstairs to apologize, and to his surprise... Steve is on his side now! They team up and start diggin’ for that treasure! While they’re digging we get two of the greatest lines in the entire series:
Steve: “Louis.... why aren’t you at school?”
Louis: “...Why aren’t you at work?”
THIS IS SO PERFECT! I was going to point out that Louis, Twitty, Tom and Beans all should’ve been at school the whole time... but I was waiting until now to bring it up. TV shows always mess up timelines like that. This was such a hilarious way for the writers to acknowledge their mistake. So good. Mr. Scott Frazee and Co aren’t totally out of the woods, though. Louis and Steve are in the same clothes for basically the entire episode. But Larry and Ren’s subplot tells us that at least two days have gone by. Either Louis and Steve didn’t shower or change clothes for 2 days...... or they messed up. Oops.
Back at school, Larry and Ren are tangled around a tree (again, the leash was like, a foot long when they were trying to get at their “lockers” -- but now it’s conveniently long enough for them to get tangled around a tree.) They’re stuck and talk about how this experiment has only made them resent each other more.
But the longer they hate each other, the longer they’re tied together. So they both immediately get the idea to become fake fast friends so that Ms. Shannon will remove the leash. After frantically untangling themselves, they return to Ms. Shannon’s office and act all cuddly -- gushing over how well they get along after only two days! They say things in unison and Larry even calls Ren “silly soulmate.” Omg. Ms. Shannon agrees to untie them.
They leave the office giggling and laughing at how they successfully tricked her, without realizing that the experiment worked, lol. They’re actually getting along and it’s beautiful ok...
I had to include this overabundance of screenshots because look how precious!! This episode always manages to remind me how SALTY I AM over the fact that they never got together. What a power couple they could’ve been. A giant missed opportunity for a big series finale plot twist, if you ask me. They slowly realize that they’re getting along and are freaked out. They start yelling the same exact sentences at each other.... in unison..... because they’re silly soulmates. That’s the end of the subplot.
Back at the Stevens house, Louis and Steve have made it to the end of the tunnel. *dun dun dunnnn.* They reach a tiny door and use an extravagant key conveniently left under a little welcome mat before crawling inside the cave -- where a giant golden sausage is prominently displayed.
This is another one of those moments where I notice how much Shia LaBeouf and Tom Virtue actually look like father and son. Also... as a critically thinking child, I always thought “how the hell does this cave even exist? It’s not like it’s under the basement. The layout literally makes it just another room next to the basement. So that entire cave, with a ridiculously tall ceiling, would need to fit under a section of their house. Improbable.” It sucks not being able to suspend reality sometimes.
They approach the sausage and realize it might be booby-trapped. So they end up pulling an Indiana Jones. They even have Louis say, “I saw this in a movie once... You know what we need? A counterweight or something!” Slick.
But also like the famous Indy scene, the cave starts to collapse. Steve says “.......is that an.... ominous rumble?” which I love. For whatever reason, Steve runs away but Louis stays still for a ridiculous amount of time. In fact, just long enough for the ground to break and leave a giant gap between them. Louis makes an (iconic) jump for it:
Unfortunately, he drops the sausage once he reaches the other side and it falls down the gap into the great unknown. This makes me so incredibly frustrated every time, lol. But, they couldn’t exactly let the Stevens family become millionaires right?
And that’s it!! The main plot of this episode was never one of my personal favorites, but it definitely gets a whole lot of iconic points. As I mentioned at the beginning, this is a zany Season 3 plot, which have always been a lil difficult for me to get into. But there’s no denying that Louis’ jump is hilarious and the whole idea for this episode, including the title, is golden (no pun intended.) Not to mention this is yet another episode that eerily predicted Shia LaBeouf’s future. We all know he went on to star in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Say what you will about that movie.. but... He was in it. Which marks another strange parallel between Louis and Shia tbh.
And of course, I absolutely adore the Ren/Larry subplot. It’s like, THE episode to convince you that a romance between the two of them should’ve happened. It’s just great honestly.
Thanks for reading! Do you have any thoughts on this super memorable episode? Sound off below please! (Seriously, getting one little comment on here makes my day and reassures me that I’m not talking to myself lol)
This week, Louis coincidentally saves big shot on campus Blake Thompson's life (who's clearly not 13 years old and only in this one episode) by stopping him from choking on a piece of steak, lol ok. After that, Blake welcomes him into his entourage -- He even calls Louis his "main man." But, it doesn't take long for things to go south. Meanwhile, there’s romantic tension between Ren & Larry and we need to talk about it.
The episode opens in the school cafeteria with Louis doing some Marlon Brando impressions for Tawny and Twitty ("I made him an offer he couldn't refuse" / "I coulda been a contender" and "sTELLA!!!!") All quotes that would most likely go over kids' heads. While shouting "Stella" he whacks Blake Thompson in his precious face -- which is something you’re not supposed to do I guess. But turns out, it’s okay! "As long as it's not the nose. Anything but the nose” Blake says. That’s good to know. We learn that Blake is so popular because he’s been in a few commercials. That’s apparently enough to warrant celebrity treatment in Sacramento.
We get a pretty inappropriate quote around here. Twitty says that Blake did a Doc Dennier’s hot dog commercial a few years back. Louis sings the jingle "If it's not Doc Dennier’s, you're just eatin' wieners!" To which Tawny replies "I don't eat wieners." - Oh, dear God. Haha.
Blake starts choking in the middle of telling some arrogant story about himself, but people think he’s “acting” at first. Haha, why else would someone start choking mid sentence? For dramatic effect?! Louis realizes that Blake is actually choking and it’s like Hero Mode: Activated. Where did this side of Louis come from?! He rattles off information and gives commands to people around him like he’s a freaking EMT or something! He goes behind Blake to give him the Heimlich maneuver. Here we get a slightly inappropriate bit of Louis shouting "I'M THRUSTING! I’M THRUSTING!!!" paired with this image:
I wish I wasn’t an adult and didn’t notice this.
After this, Blake is all "You saved my life. You're a genuine hero. Welcome to my entourage!" We see the character Ivan used as Blake's sidekick here. He’s only in a few episodes.. but he’s usually Larry Beale’s lackey. So using him here just makes him seem even more fickle and desperate. Which works, I guess. Blake tells Ivan to basically wait on Louis hand and foot now. You can already tell that Louis is letting this somewhat newfound popularity go to his head. AS UAUAL! Louis does some of his impressions for Blake and he seems to think Louis is funny........... for now. I hate fake people.
Also during this opening cafeteria scene, Larry/Ren conflict is set up for the subplot. Ren is Student Policy Monitor and thinks the school deserves better lunch options. I agree. Last time I checked, school cafeteria food is one step above what they serve in prison. She stands up and gives a little speech about her plans to improve the food.. but Larry keeps interrupting, cracking jokes, and mocking her.
You know it’s serious. He’s giving her The Hand.
Twitty and Tawny become concerned about Louis possibly succumbing to peer pressure. I like this part because Tawny tries not to worry and says “No one knows the real Louis better than I do. Deep down he’s classy, caring, very very intelligent...” - It’s supposed to be a joke but it’s actually surprisingly true. Either way, she decides they should keep an eye on him.
The next day, Louis is telling jokes to Ivan and some popular girls at lunch.
This is where the episode takes a sad turn. Ivan goes over to Blake all excited about how funny Louis is, but Blake says “Dude. Grow up, the guy’s a dork!” You can tell Ivan was genuinely entertained by Louis but forces himself to ditch him for the sake of staying on Blake’s good side. Sigh. After losing a phone argument with his mom about cleaning his room (like the big important celebrity he is), Blake just kinda stares at Louis with disgust. And of course, Louis is oblivious.
Seriously, this guy is a 35 year old 8th grader. I guess that’s what happens when hot dog commercials are your top priority...
Tawny has been “observing” Louis the whole time. He sees her and asks "What are you, choppin' hedges?!" I always loved that.
Tawny says she and Twitty are worried he's becoming a "pod person." I never heard anyone say that term before this show. And I never knew what it meant so I looked it up:
"A person pretending to be something they aren't, or an impostor. This is inferred because of the old alien movies where alien pods appear on earth and the "pod people" dispose of the humans and slowly reproduce the bodies, pretending to be humans."
I honestly remember thinking she was saying “Pot person” when I was young and that Louis was secretly doing drugs or something, lol. I was like ~ooohhh this is getting Degrassi-deep right now!~ The whole conversation was Very Serious and ended with Louis getting offended and taking her concern the wrong way. He feels like they’re just jealous of him having new, cool friends. Oh, Louis.
Ren asked for everyone to submit cafeteria suggestions into a suggestion box. Which was a good little idea... until Larry decided to stuff the box with offensive things about her. Like, who tries that hard?! Oh my god. He must really hate her, or really love her and has a strange evil way of showing it. She decides to resign from public service. Larry finds out, and he's clearly upset about it.
Charlotte (who makes her last appearance in this episode) and Ren reading through Larry’s messages. i.e. “Can you do something about the tuna casserole? It smells like Ren Stevens’ breath.” - Wow, Larry.
When Louis tries to do an Austin Powers impression for Blake the next day, he tears Louis down and says his 15 minutes of fame are over and he's done tolerating him. Nice!
I just had to include this image. “Gagalicious, babehhh!”
Blake tells Louis to go hang with his own friends. Only problem is -- Louis kinda ditched Tawny and Twitty. This leads to a mirror talk! Yaaaaay!!!! I love how consistent these were in Season 1, wow! This time, he treats it like he’s doing stand-up:
"For those of you keeping score at home... My new friends, they don't like me. My old friends, they don't like me. So I guess the score is Friends - 0, Louis - Really 0. I guess next time I'll think twice before I save a guys life."
Later that night, Ren's watching a romance soap opera when Larry shows up at The Stevens house to apologize to her. Yo, I swear to god. There is so much romantic tension here!!! He tells Ren that they've been competing against each other ever since the 5th grade and that she can't just give up. Because "If there's no Ren Stevens, there's no Larry Beale." WHAAAT?! It gets all awkward and Ren invites him to stay and watch the rest of the show with her. He says "No thanks, I think I've had enough soap operas for one day," and LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN with a sly smile. She's left sitting there like "ok :) ????" They're the best ship that never sailed on this show:
Come on, now! She’s all blushy and confused lol
Louis is all upset and wants to find a way to be Blake's friend again. WHY, LOUIS?! WHYYYY?! They're holding a school car wash and Louis sees a car about to kind of -- sort of -- not really, back into Blake and “crush him,” so he runs over to push him out of the line of fire in an attempt to save his life again. Buuuut, he just ends up getting water all over Blake and angering him. Louis insists “I’M SAVING YOUR LIFE OVER AND OVER AND OVERRR!!!!” but Blake yells “Stay away from me forever” at him in front of everyone. So that’s the end of that.
Tawny and Twitty observe this, as well. Tawny says “Louis’ constant craving for approval combined with his youngest child syndrome has basically split his personality in two.” - THAT’S SO SPOT ON THOUGH?!?! I love how they gave Tawny these lines. They really show how well she understands him.
Tawny decides she and Twitty have to go to “drastic measures” to shock Louis back into reality. They come up with a plan that involves Tawny as a damsel in distress tied to train tracks, and Twitty as an evil train conductor about to run her over. They plan it so Louis has no choice but to ride up on his bike and save her in the nick of time. He does, and this is their way of forgiving him and becoming friends again, haha. It's cute. Pretty unrealistic. But cute.
Louis: “Isn’t this is the part where you tell me I’m your hero and ya kiss me?”
Tawny: “Don’t push it.”
Following their romantic-tension-filled heart to heart, Larry starts taking Ren's side and supporting her at lunch after she becomes Policy Monitor again. "You heard the lady! If you have a suggestion, you fill it out and put it in the box. Continue, Miss Policy Monitor..." he says:
They’re so cute. Why didn’t they happen?! They totally could’ve turned this into one of those passionate mortal enemies falling in love tropes, lol. I’ll always be salty over this.
The episode ends with Louis sticking two carrots up his nose at lunch to assure Twitty and Tawny that things are back to normal. It’s adorable, haha.
I love the look Tawny gives him! Awwwww. If you haven’t guessed... I SHIP IT.
So yeah! That’s it. I don’t really know what else to say about this one. It’s not bad at all. It’s just a little.... eh. It’s not bad, but it’s not amazing. This one is genuinely very neutral. It easily could’ve been placed anywhere on the list, imo. But, I just decided on #44. I really love the Larry/Ren stuff here. This is one of three big moments in the series where you really sense that they have weird repressed feelings for each other or something. I like it a lot and wish they went for it! Other than that, there are some nice Louis moments and development here (I love the mirror talk, for example) and I really like the subtle Louis/Tawny hints as well. But, yeah. This one is pretty chill overall.
As always, thanks for reading!! <3
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This episode was pretty popular. Ren and Principal Wexler have a falling out after she starts to realize he assigns her all of his “dirty work.” So, Larry Beale ends up temporarily taking over as Wexler’s student assistant. Petty drama ensues. Meanwhile, during the plot everyone remembers: Louis decides to start his own "Lumberjack Club" as an excuse to slack off in school. Where all they do is hang around, speak with semi-hillbilly accents, eat pancakes and wear flannels.
Let me start off by saying... To this day, people fondly remember the Lumberjack Club as if it were some major thing, but in reality it was only a (very) small subplot. That’s crazy to me. I did my research, and this Lumberjack Club plot resonated with people so much that students were directly inspired to start their own Lumberjack Clubs at school irl. I’m not joking. Here are some more examples.
All of these clubs have basically the same mission statement as Louis’ and were formed in the Early 2000s. This alone made me feel like I should rank the episode much higher for “iconic” points. Buuuut, this was never one of my personal favorites *gasp!* and that’s outweighing a lot of things for me. So, please know that I had an extreme internal struggle when deciding where to put this one. I was originally going to rank this around #59-55. But, I didn’t think that was fair enough to the ~cultural impact~ it made, and decided to put it here at #46. That being said… let’s get into it.
This one opens with Coach Tugnut driving up to his school parking spot singing “‘cause I got a brand new suit, and pair of shoes to match! I wish I had a mustache—“ before he gets cut off by Ren. I just felt like those lyrics were worth sharing honestly. She tells him that Wexler has ordered his parking spot to be moved a block and a half away from the school. We find out the reason why when Wexler comes driving up in a new red convertible. He wanted that spot for himself. Idk why Wexler needed Tugnut’s spot though? Surely he has his own prominent spot? He asks Ren to look into some “Lumberjack Club” he came across while looking over the school budget.
What is up with Ren’s pants, btw? This outfit always bothered me. When I was young I always thought they were, like.. freaking Louis Vuitton pants or something, lol. I mentioned before that her wardrobe starts to include loud patterns and gives off an overall “older” and stuffy vibe towards the end of the series.
The camera pans over to Louis and Twitty, who are accepting and signing off on a syrup delivery. They recycle their code names (Lars Honeytoast and Frenchie Von Richter) from an earlier episode in the series when accepting the order. The delivery man refers to Twitty as "Mr. Honeytoast." This is such a small thing that’s easy to miss, but it’s awesome and top notch casual continuity! I really like it.
It’s “New England’s Finest” syrup. I’m from Boston. This pleases me, tbh.
It cuts to Lumberjack Club! Where Louis, Twitty, Tawny and Tom are cooking pancakes and celebrating the fact that they’ve upgraded their syrup to premium quality, lol. “Lumber Tawn” asks “Lumber Lou” (yes, these are the nicknames they’ve given themselves) to tell them how he came up with the idea for the club again. Louis goes on to tell the story of the club’s origins. The hillbilly accent really kicks in now, accentuated by bluegrass music in the background. He starts off by saying “Well, ‘bout two weeks ago, when yous kids was much younger… everyone was siiignin’ up for cluuuubs.” That is one of my favorite lines though. Not gonna lie. He explains that anyone could get money to form a club as long as they got 50 signatures. So he decided to create a Lumberjack Club after remembering his “deep and loyal love for the pancake.” Incredible.
Dat face tho.
Right about now is when Ren comes walking in, finding the four of them toasting to The Lumberjack. (See first image.) She grills them about what kind of club they are and what sort of things they do. Louis starts pulling crap out of his butt saying “We sing Lumberjack Songs.” Ren asks them to sing one and it’s great. None of them are in sync. They’re all making stuff up off the top of their heads and clashing miserably. The best part is Tom -- who’s repeatedly saying "Wood... Wood... Wood..." God bless Tom.
Louis says they’re “legit… with a big L!” “…and a small ‘egit’!” Twitty finishes. I feel like this is worth mentioning because one of the real-life clubs’ requirements for joining is that you have to “be legit.” Oh my god. Obviously, Ren vows to shut down the club.
Wexler surprises Ren with her own desk outside of his office. We’re getting into creepy territory again, guys. Wexler makes Ren, a 14-15 year old, do ALL OF HIS WORK while he goes out gallivanting in his new car. Remember when I said that Ren Stevens is basically the principal of Lawrence Jr. High…? Well, this episode really exemplifies that and takes it to a new level. She literally takes over as principal. How is this not illegal?
One of her tasks for the day is to fire the school janitor. Wow. (Fun fact: Jackie the Janitor is played by Knobby Frostybump -- the old elf from the Lizzie McGuire Christmas episode lol) This is the last straw for Ren. She confronts Wexler and quits being his assistant. But much like in Ren-Gate, that doesn’t last long. Over the course of a period, she gets all emo and decides she wants her job back. But, oh no! When she goes back to the office, guess who’s already taken over for her? Larry Beale. Dang, that was fast.
Another lazy name flub happens again here. Larry is polishing his nameplate and it reads "Lawrence M. Beale" when earlier in the series they say his full name on a few different occasions and it's "Lawrence Anthony Beale." I don't understand why something like this is so difficult to remember?! Although, I actually always thought it was weird that Larry's middle name was Anthony because Louis’ full name is Louis Anthony Stevens. Even weirder... The actor who plays Beans is named Steven Anthony Lawrence. What a strange coincidence.
Ren and Wexler are being extremely passive aggressive towards each other while Larry sits there gloating. Out of spite, Ren decides to become Tugnut's new assistant instead. Like he even needs one. It becomes a petty, all out war between the pairs.
It’s Larry’s job to shut down Lumberjack Club now, so he busts into their meeting the next day. I’m pretty sure they’re not even going to class anymore. They hired a marimba player named Nate to entertain them during club meetings — which I think is absolutely hilarious. It might just be because I'm a musician, but any music-related humor kills me. I mean, a MARIMBA PLAYER?! And this dude is such a Jazz cat. It’s great. This is honestly probably my favorite scene in the whole episode:
So, yeah. Lumberjack Club needs to make an educational presentation in order to stay a thing.
Tugnut is chilling in a lawn chair, eating a burrito and telling his life story (”I thought about moving to Canada, but I don’t speak Canadian...”) while Ren does work on his car. Now she’s a mechanic. This is child abuse, I swear. She’s about to quit as his assistant, but she looks up and sees Larry and Wexler blissfully driving around in his convertible. She gets jealous and keeps working for Tugnut. These student/teacher relationships are so, so strange and not appropriate. Let’s be real...
Anyway, the whole assistant war thing starts to come to an end when it becomes obvious that Ren is much more qualified and has a better relationship and understanding with Wexler than Larry does. Larry royally messes up as Wexler's assistant and ends up doing a lot of things wrong. Including inviting Wexler’s mother to school, putting nutmeg in his coffee, and forgetting to pay Wexler’s car insurance bill. (Really, what adult would trust a 14-15 year old to pay their bills…)
Louis organizes the most impressive Lumberjack Club presentation ever within a few hours at the most. I do like seeing Louis at least fully see his schemes through, though. So that’s nice, I guess.
It’s like a freaking carnival.
Nate returns as the musical entertainment. I love this guy, lol. Everything’s going well, until Louis and Twitty chop down a tree during a demonstration which falls on Wexler’s car. Ouch. Wexler’s devastated and sobbing, but manages to mutter “Look what they’ve done to my sweet, sweet ride!” through tears. That made me laugh harder than I probably should’ve. Wexler faints when he finds out Larry didn’t send the insurance payment, and nowww Ren is responsible for Wexler’s literal life.
Something always gotta go wrong. Louis was actually sort of pulling this whole Lumberjack thing off.
Wexler could be on his deathbed right now and it’s up to Ren to save him. Wow. “Breathe, Principal Wexler! Breathe!!!”
Turns out Ren sneakily sent out the insurance payment the other day and everything’s fine. The episode ends with Ren becoming Wexler’s assistant again. The end.
So yeah, that’s it. I’m still shocked at how short the Lumberjack Club plot actually is. Pretty crazy how it somehow managed to burn itself into the memories of so many people. I’m also like, 99% positive it was inspired by this Monty Python skit. There’s even a song playing during the school presentation that’s near identical melodically (and lyrically a bit) to the one sung in this skit. The fact that it’s just a subplot also affected my ranking, because I’m not the biggest fan of this episode’s main plot. I love Larry/Ren conflict.. but this situation is just... slightly annoying to me for some reason. ALSO! I realized the other day that I should base my rankings on character development, as well. I’ve actually been doing that subconsciously so far, I think. Barring a few, the majority have been filler episodes basically. No material that actually advances the overall arc of the show. Just random, silly plots -- which makes it difficult for me to really consider it a “good” or “great” episode. And unfortunately, that’s what Lumberjack Club is to me. I’m so sorry. I just love these characters so much, so when there’s little to no character growth in an episode.. it sort of bothers me. I know the show is silly, but there’s a lot of heart there as well. Episodes that have a little meat to them are the ones I’m more fond of.
We’ve officially reached the point in my list where I drew a line separating the lower half from the better half though, guys! The ball’s really rolling now. I’m excited.
Thanks for reading! Were you a Lumberjack Club fan? Did you start your own?! Please, do tell. Haha.
Holy crap you guys. Can you believe we’re already into the #40s?! This is going by faster than I anticipated.
This week, Lenny Cranepool (a.k.a “Lenny the Lifter”) is the new kid at school. He's a giant. Louis and Twitty befriend him and they become the most feared crew in school. Until they find out Lenny is a big softie who dreams of becoming a pastry chef. Meanwhile, Ren is trying to outlaw dodgeball due to its physical dangers.
The opening shot is Louis late for school, running in slo-mo down the hallway. His backpack is unzipped so every single paper in his bag goes flying literally everywhere. He gets stopped by Tugnut who yells at him for being late, and Louis says “Or! Is it possible everybody else on earth is early?” Real slick, Louis. Tugnut let’s him off the hook for his “sassy mouth” clap back, because it’s dodgeball season and he’s creepily overexcited for it and even throws in some maniacal laughter to drive it home. Do schools have dodgeball season, though? Like, is that a thing? Do they have big rainbow parachute in gym class season, too? That was the best. Anyway, this dodgeball mention is setting up the subplot.
Louis crawls into math class trying (and failing) to go unnoticed, when suddenly… there’s a giant foot in the aisle! Someone else is sitting in his seat. It’s Lenny Cranepool! The new transfer student who must’ve only transferred there for a few days because we never see him again! Louis is clearly intimidated when Lenny stands up, towering over him and GROWLING. I’m not kidding. Lenny genuinely growls and grunts like a caveman. Now that I think about it, that’s pretty hilarious. Louis is chill though and settles for a different desk. Once he sits though, he casually says “Actually, I’d prefer the window seat” and out of nowhere he is LIFTED INTO THE AIR BY LENNY and carried over to the window.
He’s sitting in front of Twitty now, so Twitty fills him in on everything. He tells Louis the new kid is Lenny the Lifter. Word on the street is that he got kicked out of his old school for “going on a lifting spree” probably. I love that, omg. Lenny breaks his pencil and growls like an animal again. Louis is nice and gives him one of his pencils, but Lenny doesn’t even say thank you and gives them a hard look. Louis and Twitty are just relieved to be alive at this point.
Next, we see Ren and Nelson preparing to go live on the school news program, The Wombat Report. Ren introduces her dodgeball segment accusing it of being a “barbaric celebration of pain and violence that sadistically pits the mean and vicious against the weak and skinny.” Dang, Ren. Tugnut is watching while wearing an I <3 DODGEBALL shirt and gets so pissed he breaks his pencil, too. That’s one too many pencils broken in under a minutes time if you ask me. Ren says they took a hidden Cap Cam into Tugnut’s gym class and came away with “disturbing footage.” The footage shows him teaching the kids about Hot Zones on the human body to aim for while playing dodgeball and uses a cardboard cutout of a skinny nerd dubbed Target Timmy. He notices the kid in the Cap Cam and says “no hats in class! TAKE IT OFF!” and violently throws a dodgeball at their head. Great teacher, right there.
I’m sure that’s enough to get him fired and banned from teaching ever again???
Louis is walking down the hall and is surprised when each step he takes parts the crowd of kids like Moses. Until, of course, he notices Lenny has been following him. He initially runs away, but Lenny catches up to him at lunch and thanks him for the pencil. Louis says “The pencil! Oh, right. Old Number 2! You’re welcome.” The Old Number 2 comment makes me laugh. That was definitely an ad lib. Louis invites Lenny to eat with him and we see the first glimmer of Lenny the Softie accompanied by sensitive piano. He’s like “YEAH! :D Thanks!” all happy. And it would be a nice gesture, except it marks the arrival of Selfish Louis here. He immediately decides to use Lenny to his advantage. He takes a seat at the 8th Grade lunch table, which is clearly off-limits and decorated like a fancy restaurant in comparison to all the other lowly tables, lol. Twitty comes over and asks Louis if he has a death wish. This is accurate.
When I was in middle school, there was this small stoop in the parking lot where the 8th graders would hang out during recess. If you went anywhere near there they would cuss you out. I was a pretty outgoing kid (I mean, not as brazen as Louis can be, but..) so one day when I was in 6th grade, I purposely got to the stoop before the 8th graders and just stood there. When they eventually came over telling me to leave, I stood my ground and said “This is a slab of cement. I don’t see your names anywhere. I can stand here if I want to.” They eventually gave up and went somewhere else, letting me and my friends hang out there that day! Ayyyyyy! One of my proudest moments. I wonder if I was subconsciously inspired by Louis. Probably, honestly. This show subconsciously shaped my sense of humor growing up and I only realized this when I started getting back into the show in 2011. I digress…
I felt the need to include a picture of the stoop. I literally went on Google Earth to get this! haha. This isn’t the exact stoop at the exact location, but this is exactly what it looks like. Just so you can visualize, lol.
Sure enough, Larry Beale and the big tough 8th Graders come over telling Louis the table is reserved. But, Louis says “Larry, this table is only reserved because you and a few of your unattractive friends say it is.” Burrrrn. I’ma use that next time. Just then, Lenny comes over. Larry is clearly scared and quickly sits at a different table and pretty much does whatever Louis says. So yeah, this is where Louis realizes he can just use Lenny to intimidate everyone and get whatever he wants from this moment forward. Nice!
Ren goes walking into a pitch black gym per Coach Tugnut’s request. He says “you got a problem with dodgeball?!” and claps twice to turn on a spotlight which dramatically reveals him sitting at desk. That’s honestly terrifying considering Tugnut is a grown man and Ren is like.. 14. I’d run out the door. We get one of my favorite lines here, though. Ren asks “I take it you’ve seen my dodgeball exposé?” and Tugnut says:
(credit)
He tells her that Principal Wexler is holding a referendum on whether to keep or ban dodgeball. But he’s adamant that dodgeball isn’t going anywhere.
Louis notices Lenny sitting on the stairs, visibly upset. Louis goes over to him and Lenny immediately bursts into tears! Louis frantically tries to hide him so his tough image stays intact. Turns out Lenny is crying over a simple poetry assignment that’s due the next day. He says he’s worried that if he doesn’t do well in school he’ll “never graduate and become a p-p-p….” through tears, and Louis tries to guess what profession he was going to say. Asking “Police Man? Private Investigator?! PYTHON TRAINER?!” (I just love the way Shia says it.) But Lenny clarifies that he was going to say pastry chef. Louis ain’t thrilled.
Later that day, Louis and Twitty try to come up with a plan that will help Lenny remain feared. Louis just hopes that Lenny will write a poem that’s dark, mean and hateful. Unfortunately, he writes a poem that’s gentle, sweet and loving. Ren reads it and convinces Lenny to recite it on the Wombat Report to show everyone what a sweet guy he is.
Then, the following scene happens. Which I’m just going to embed instead of describing because I think it’s hilarious.
This paper cut incident helps Louis come up with an idea to stop Lenny from reading his poem.
The dodgeball drama turns into a Ren vs. Larry thing because Larry sides with Coach Tugnut. I’m not complaining about this. Any Ren/Larry interaction is nice because REN AND LARRY SHOULD JUST PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES AND DATE! Larry and Tugnut demand equal time on the Wombat Report to debate over dodgeball, which is fair I guess.
Over the course of ONE NIGHT Louis comes up with a voice activated device to attach to the bottom of Lenny’s chair that will zap him as soon as he starts reading his poem. Louis The Incredibly Gifted Engineer strikes again.
The plan is to make Lenny go insane, like when he got the paper cut, on live TV. Yeah, that should do it. But before he’s about to go live, Lenny gives Louis a copy of the poem and says he wrote it about him. Louis reads it and asks Twitty “You ever feel the gnawing pains of guilt? You know, the ones that make you feel like a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to live?” Twitty says no and Louis is like, “Yeah, me neither. But this is the closest I’ve ever been” as if he’s a person incapable of feeling remorse or emotion. Not a fan of that choice, tbh.
Either way, he decides to do the right thing and swap the chairs. Lenny successfully reads his poem, which is also hilarious. Here’s the transcript:
“Emotional” by Lenny Cranepool
I wish you could see beyond my size, to the person that lives inside. There is someone who sees the real me... his name is Louis, and you see... He never judged, or laughed or tried to hide, he just treated me like any other guy. I owe a lot to this true friend, I hope our friendship never ends. It really hurts to be left out, if you have any doubt... Try being me for just one day, and I’m sure you’d agree when I say -- That being feared cuts like a knife, but one good friend can change your life.
The entire school is in tears, including Louis and Twitty. We see Larry and freaking PEDRO FROM NAPOLEON DYNAMITE with tears in his eyes (this is his second appearance in the series as a member of Larry’s posse.) He turns to Larry and says “That was so beautiful, man.” And Larry’s just like “Shut up, Omar” which makes me laugh. Larry’s happy though, because Louis just lost his body guard.
“Shut up, Omar.” lol this show has so much meme potential.
Then they make a sharp turn from crying to the dodgeball debate, which is also funny. Only problem is that Ren is sitting in the rigged chair now. Oops. As soon as she speaks to debate against Larry, she gets zapped and screams at the top of her lungs. She knows Louis did it. She kicks the chair away and quickly shares a seat with Larry instead. They’re so cute. Just like that, Ren changes her position on dodgeball and decides that it can be a “very rewarding experience.” Meaning, she wants to get back at Louis.
I love how they have an American flag displayed. I mean, what’s more American than dodgeball?!
The last scene is Ren, Larry and Tugnut ganging up against Louis by pelting him with dodgeballs. Ren and Larry are smiley and he says it’s nice to be on the same side for once, which is also cute. They’re just cute and should’ve got together by the end of the series!!!
Anyway, I’m not against Louis getting his but kicked here. He was going to do a pretty mean thing to Lenny for his own personal gain. And, then ended up ruining things and embarrassing Ren in the process. So… Sorry, Lou! I'm not with ya on this one. The episode ends on a freeze frame of Louis about to get hit in the face. The end.
This is a good episode. I used to love it... A LOT. (But again, every episode was my “favorite” at some point.) I guess the fact that it revolves around a one-off character makes it difficult for me to rank it any higher. Although, a good episode is a good episode regardless. But still. Louis’ ugly side made an appearance here, which I hate. So. I love the little Ren/Larry bit at the end, though. I wonder if Eric Ty Hodges was directed to subtly act like he has a secret crush on Ren occasionally, because I get those vibes.
Just a side note I’ve been thinking about: I might be the only person who feels this way.. but… Season 2 is weird for me. I’ve always seen it as the awkward transitional period between gritty Season 1 and über polished zany Season 3. Barring a few super memorable, pretty iconic episodes — Season 2 is just kinda… there. It might have something to do with the fact that Shia looks a little awkward himself. He’s not the young baby faced kid from Season 1 and he’s not the grown teenager we see in Season 3. He’s like.. an actual awkward 7th grader here lol. Also, little known fact! Louis and his friends actually move up to 8th grade in Season 3! It’s widely believed that Louis and Ren are in 7th and 8th grade the entire series. It's even listed as a production fact on Wikipedia! But, nope. There are slight things that confirm this, which I’ll acknowledge when they pop up but yeah. (This means that LJH is one of those rare middle schools that go up to 9th grade, btw) So, that’s definitely something else that contributes to my feelings towards Season 2. For Louis and his friends, in my mind I think...
Season 1: First half of 7th grade.
Season 2: Second half of 7th grade.
Season 3: 8th grade.
Obviously, Ren would be the same except 8th-9th. Also, fun fact #2: Seth Miller, who plays Lenny, was in an episode of Boy Meets World. There are a lot of parallels between the two shows, actually.