Aug 20, 2018
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5-12-13
I hate being on opposite schedules with Dan. It causes a bit of problems. Frustration, lack of communication... the worst is the fact that every Friday or Saturday night, my drive home from work is an ongoing panic attack. The whole time all I can think about is how drunk he is and what my night will be like. They usually end up with me in tears. He has been trying to "cut down" on the drinking, but never fails to stop before he's belligerent. We decided on six packs. Lately he will drink that and then get beers or shots from other people. Tonight he decided to be sneaky and drank a six pack of 16oz beers and a 24oz. So he decided to be a dick and say that he will buy his own stuff and I need to buy my own. Then yells at nichole, but apologizes to her right after. Instead of apologizing and making up with me, he decided to smoke a cig on the floor, in silence. Then stated the classic "I don't deserve you, I need go live by myself." Then after passes out like no fucking tomorrow. When he wakes up he will have no idea what he said to me or how he acted. And he'll say sorry and say things I want to hear but never does he follow through with them. I'm losing my trust for him, I feel like I'm going to crack before he gets better...
Bullies
I never understood when people were like “Don’t let bullies get to you” It made no sense to me. I was like lol sorry I was born really sensitive? After years and years of it and after really establishing a love affair with myself in the last few years I can honestly say, to an extent, I get that statement. You are you. There’s going to be people who don’t like it. And people who actually do like it and can’t properly express that so they tease you. (And no I’m not referring to the whole like if a boy teases you he likes you thing) More like some people just have thoughts that I’d imagine go something like this
*sees a picture of you* *starts to feel emotion and cannot put a singular label to the emotion/you/what they're thinking* //mind gets cloudy and switches to simplistic emotionally detached focus// Says: haha your smile is funny in this one
It’s hard to understand. But, unfortunately, you can’t control people, only yourself. So you can always rewire your thoughts. Assume that the person doesn’t mean to hurt you and if you’re certain they do, acknowledged they’re really hurt/sick somewhere deep down in their soul and that that is not in any direct correlation to you, and it never will be. That doesn’t make it okay of course, but it takes away a bit of the personalized pain. The “what they say must be true” kind of pain. Because someone speaking from a cloudy place, or a dark place.. Will never ever be able to war against a mind that you keep in the lit place.
You know how many times you've said that already? It doesn't matter how many times you've told me you're trying to change if your actions don't show it at all. It doesn't make me happy to share this type of relationship with you either, but there's only so much I can take before I reach my breaking point again, and that's not somewhere I wanna be again. Ever. It's a fucking scary place to be in. It isn't easy for me to let go of all the anger and frustration that I've built up just because of all the pain you've put me through, but when I see that you've made progress or at least a bit of effort, then yeah, that helps but honestly, it's not often enough. But to be honest, can you really blame me for being so angry all the time... After all that you've put me through ? I really wish you could see things my way. Put yourself through the pain of my perspective and try to continue acting the way that you have been. I purposely put off reading that letter because I knew it would hurt, no matter what that letter said. But in the end, it won't matter how many gifts you give me, or how many letters you write me. They all say the same thing and they all have the same intentions, but there's never a different outcome. Don't try to buy my forgiveness if it isn't something you've earned, because I won't give it to you.