Killing Me Softly

[tanya-nicole]

“Don’t beg anybody for anything, especially love.”

— Toni Morrison

[latosblog]

Just because you have a lot of love to give doesn’t mean you should give it to someone that doesn’t deserve it.

[melodioussuggestions]

If you’re just barely holding yourself together and you’re delicate right now, that’s okay. Great job on keeping yourself together, and keep going. Things will get brighter.

[mental-health-recovery]

Shoutout to all the people who are trying hard to be more positive and make meaningful changes in their lives and work towards recovery because it’s hard and people definitely don’t say it enough, but focusing on yourself is very difficult & the progress you’re making is valuable.

[i-wrotethisforme]

I think timing really is everything because if I met you three years later or three years earlier, we’d be in a completely different spot- so thank God I didn’t, because I like where we are right now. And if I met my last boyfriend when I was in college I wouldn’t have been ready. And if I met the guy I loved when I was 18 for the first time today, I don’t think I would have felt the same way, but he was exactly what I needed back then. I think the reality is sometimes the “when” is more important than the “who,” and this goes for all kinds of relationships. And at certain points in your life, someone can be exactly what you need, but at other points, that same someone can be just another person.

[infinity-and-dreams]

“I'm lucky that I got the short amount of time with you that I got. I miss you so much and I want you to be mine, but you can’t be. You and I couldn’t be forever, but only temporary. But hell, that’s more than billions of people on earth could say. How many others will ever get to experience the side of you that I have? How many others will be able to say that they’ve been in love with you and have had you in love with them. Maybe I didn’t get to enjoy you as long as I wanted, but I got to enjoy you. You were one of the best things that I’ve ever experienced in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to experience something even better. You’ve stepped on my gentle heart and shattered it, but before that you made my heart feel very light and carefree and like I was the greatest person in the world. You made me feel protected, but invincible. You and I had a love so strong that it felt like we were strong enough to take on anything. Thank you for teaching me more about love and what it feels like, both the good and the bad parts.”

—

Moving On

(At least I had you, ya know?)

[sunflorally]

doing things for yourself is not selfish, especially when you’ve spent more time putting others before you only to be drained and unfulfilled. giving is good, but some people are only out there to take and refuse to give back. don’t let them take everything from you, and if they never return your kindness, consider lessening it. their true colors might be revealed once you treat them the way they treat you.

[sunflorally]

your relationship doesn’t have to be toxic to be a bad one. it can be unfulfilling, exhausting, loveless. and someone doesn’t have to be terrible to you for you to leave them. if you aren’t primarily happy in your relationship, you have a valid reason to not be in it. don’t beat yourself up because your situation “could be worse.” if it isn’t what you want, you don’t have to stay in it.

[ive-lost-myselfagain]

Does anyone else have this empty feeling in their chest? This aching? Because I can’t make it stop.

[possiblypolyam]

Update

I’ve been feeling less poly lately. Or— that’s not quite right. I still feel like I probably am polyamorous. I still want to have deep connections with a lot of people, and not necessarily tie myself to only one person.

But.

And.

You know that quote, “what you seek is seeking you”? And that saying about how you need to take care of yourself first?

I’m trying really hard to not pour all my energy into relationships with other people. I’m trying to take care of myself. I’m still falling for people just as hard as I ever have, but it’s hard to know what to do next.

So, self care is important. Self knowledge is also important. Know yourself so you can take care of yourself, or vice versa.

I still believe that people are good and wonderful and amazing. I think I might be a relationship anarchist, but I’m not sure. I really really want to be in relationships with the person(s) I love. But even if I’m not in “”official”” relationships with them that are explicitly romantic or sexual, they still care about me in some way. It’s still love. I’m trying to tell myself that, in hopes it’ll help me feel less lonely.

You are loved, even if it doesn’t look exactly like what you were taught it would look like*. You are important, and you do make a difference. Keep on knowing yourself and being true to yourself and whatnot. You rock.

*doesn’t apply to unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships— please take care of yourself by letting go of them if you can

[suspend]

how do you know if you're in love???

I honestly asked my friend this same question just hours ago as I was clueless myself but thinking about it now I think it’s when for the first time after what seemed like a dreadful year (or life), you look forward to waking every morning knowing he (let’s use he as it’s me talking) will be there for you. I think it’s just plain seeing him and being happy that’s he’s around. It’s being happy just by hearing his voice. No matter how bad your day is, one message from him would make your entire day. It’s when he makes you want to write long letters and huge poems. It’s not all about “lust”- it’s more of the intimate relationship you have together. It’s when the simplest of things count. It’s when you start to mature and start to plan something with him for the future. It’s when he makes you want to start fixing your life. It’s when he’s always in your head 3 pm or 3 am. It’s when you can’t stop talking or thinking about him. It’s when you just really always miss him even if he’s right beside you. It’s the “I used to like green eyes but now blue eyes are my favorite”. It’s when all love and cheesy stuff just apply for him. It’s when you begin to see nothing but him and you value him like you value yourself. It’s not the “heart pounding, hands sweating” feeling but more of the “I feel home” feeling. It’s more of like talking to yourself- being yourself with someone without worries. It’s when you begin to really trust him with everything and that includes your happiness. It’s when he’s your happiness. It’s when subconsciously you change for the better. It’s when you once again start opening up after a long time. It’s when you are denying it at most cause you are afraid of how strong you feel and last I think while you’re reading this- there’s someone in your head right now and you’re just contemplating whether you’re in love with him or not but hey the fact that he or she is the person (out of billions of people) in your mind while you read this must say a lot.

[jorrrrr]

What do you do when you lose this kind of love?

[suspend]

I broke up with the person I was thinking of while writing this because that’s what you do when you lose this kind of love- you let go and you move on.

You don’t cling onto the person because “two and a half years has been a long time and it’s a waste to end it here”. You end it because you’ve had enough thinking twice whether the person is still worth staying with or not. You let go because you find yourself looking back, comparing and missing the old times than cherishing the present. You let go because you have to stop defending that person and start facing the truth that things have changed. You let go because you let go of anything that upsets you whether it be work, hobby or a person.

And you let go because you have to stop being selfish. There is someone out there wanting to love the person you’re holding onto and they deserve to feel this genuine love from someone and not a pity love from you.

When you lose this kind of love, you move on. You do it because it’s the best choice for you. You move on because you’ve been hurt enough and it’s time to be happy. You move on because you don’t deserve to doubt the love that someone gives you. You move on and whenever you crumble, remind yourself on why you left in the first place.

And you move forward because you won’t find the right person for you while you’re holding onto the wrong one.

[erentheghost]

This is the realest advice I could have ever read, and everyone deserves to read this.

[achildleadsawaytoadream]

My heart is aching so much right now. This is the most real advice about love I’ve ever had.

[planetahmane]

A good relationship should be split 60/40, with both people trying to be the 60.

[myownpersonalpunishment]

5-12-13

I hate being on opposite schedules with Dan. It causes a bit of problems. Frustration, lack of communication... the worst is the fact that every Friday or Saturday night, my drive home from work is an ongoing panic attack. The whole time all I can think about is how drunk he is and what my night will be like. They usually end up with me in tears. He has been trying to "cut down" on the drinking, but never fails to stop before he's belligerent. We decided on six packs. Lately he will drink that and then get beers or shots from other people. Tonight he decided to be sneaky and drank a six pack of 16oz beers and a 24oz. So he decided to be a dick and say that he will buy his own stuff and I need to buy my own. Then yells at nichole, but apologizes to her right after. Instead of apologizing and making up with me, he decided to smoke a cig on the floor, in silence. Then stated the classic "I don't deserve you, I need go live by myself." Then after passes out like no fucking tomorrow. When he wakes up he will have no idea what he said to me or how he acted. And he'll say sorry and say things I want to hear but never does he follow through with them. I'm losing my trust for him, I feel like I'm going to crack before he gets better...

[myownpersonalpunishment]

4-8-17

I thought that he would stop. Continually I thought he would stop getting shit faced. Almost every weekend he has promised me he will slow down on drinking, and every weekend my heart cracks a little more. I can handle him being snappy after work, and can even handle some of the shit he says when he’s angry (sober). But when he’s drunk, it’s like he’s this whole other person. He belittles me, he tells me he doesn’t trust me, how he wants to be alone. Then he starts telling me and how much he doesn’t deserve me, and then he starts talking about how he doesn’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes he talks about pulling out his gun, but a lot of the time he talks about how well off we’d all be without him. Daniel doesn’t think about what he says before he says it, and doesn’t care how his words offend people, until minutes have passed by and he’s cooled down, but those people are still hurt. He is just like my father this way. It scares me. I love him so deeply, but I do not want to fight with him the way my mom and dad did. I don’t think Daniel totally respects me or my feelings. He’s still stuck in the world of him and only him. I know he loves me, and he shows me that all the time. But if Daniel had to pick between me and him, and just him, it will forever be him. I am perishable. I didn’t think things would get violent between us, but after I get beer poured on me I’m going to freak out. The stories that Lauren told me scare me so much. I found someone I love, but when the alcohol takes over he goes away, and the person who replaces him is a monster. I thought I was going to move in with this man and marry him someday. Why would I go somewhere where I’m not 100% wanted, when I feel 100% about him…