Jun 3, 2023
tomorrow's a big day. I have a really important test. I'm trying not to let the anxiety take the best of me. pls everyone send good vibes. thanks
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tomorrow's a big day. I have a really important test. I'm trying not to let the anxiety take the best of me. pls everyone send good vibes. thanks
Someday I think I should talk about my relationship with God, or the lack of it, with my therapist.
I went to a catholic school. We had a prayer every morning on the speakers (that was all around the school). We had to buy a Bible (even though we didn't read it regularly (or at all in my case)). There was religious class for those who wanted to follow Catholicism. I never went on those.
(And I grew up being raise by my grandfather, since I never met my biological father.)
I was raised on Spiritist Doutrine (Kardecist Spiritism, to be more exact), even though 99% of my family is catholic. But my mom always left a room for me to decide what I wanted to follow when I grew up, although my grandma is very vocal about me not following on their steps in the Doutrine.
As a teenager I really got into studying History, Geopolitics and Sociology. When I really started to study Socialism and the Marxist Theory my vision about religion (that wasn't exactly good so far) became more strict. For a moment in time I just didn't believe in god at all. But it's not Socialism's fault, of course, that's actually mine.
When I found out about the cancer I was just like "ok, I'm gonna do all you say, doc, and what science can get for me" because how could I turn to god and ask for salvation when I had, for the last four years or something, got indifferent? I didn't think that was fair, so I never prayed for my health, I just hoped for the best as the surgery and treatment went on.
My doctor once even said "thank God, he gave you a second chance" and I just smiled, because how could God give little old me a second chance when there are kids dying from the same disease? Why am I worth it more than them? Why do I deserve a second chance, but their families have to live with their loss?
Of course I'm glad for my life, though. I thought for my life twice so far, first, with depression (for 6 years) and, second, with Thyroid Cancer (for 2 years). I'm glad I'm in Law School and that I get to see the Sun again. But still.
I kinda am in the back of my head, mostly not feeling like I exist as a person and the last 6 years feels like gelly in my head. I can't really remember much. I remember specific stuff and how I felt during a specific moment, but the rest is somehow blurry. So I'm going through my old posts to see if I can remember more things.
Since I found out in therapy a few months ago that I don't really have a hobby besides turn everything into a competition between me and myself about how much I can learn about Law and Criminology, I decided to try different kinds of stuff (that suspiciously also envolve learning but far away from Law School).
That's why I'm learning how to suture (just for fun), trying to set a 2000 pieces puzzle together, trying to come back to writing fanfiction etc.
Also, I really like to listen to slowed and reverb music, especially heavy metal and hard rock, the good old rock n' roll, you know? And as I was surching for more songs, I realized I've never found any W.A.S.P.'s The Idol slowed and reverb, so I said "why not do it myself?"
So last night I decided to teach myself how to edit a song to make it slowed and reverb and here it is, and I think I really proud of myself for doing something that I've done before.
Here's the link to the YouTube video of my version of W.A.S.P - The Idol (slowed reverb). All rights reserved to the real owners, of course. Give it a try if you guys fell like it. Thanks.
Almost 3 years ago, when I got the diagnostic, I just was like "ok yeah I can deal with it. It's fine, I guess", because it was safe. It was the safest type of cancer one can have. A lot of my family members were diagnosed with the same type and it was fine, so I thought I was ok too. But then my doctor said the only thing someone wouldn't expect, that the sickness had gotten more serious and it had spread to other parts of my neck. So I got the surgery and the treatment. It was hell. The pain is endless. And I'm cured, but I can't shake the fear of it ever coming back and it terrifies me every single minute of every single day and I haven't had a moment of piece ever since.
I think we don't talk enough about the crushing fear you feel every time you go to a doctor/hospital or do some exams after you have cancer. It's amazing that you're cured, but we don't talk about the ice cold dread that runs down your spine and makes your blood freeze because you keep expecting them to just say "hey so we found something that shouldn't be there so we're investigate a little more".
In fact, I don't wanna investigate anything. I want to live in peace, cured and in no fear of that ungodly sickness ever coming back.
I became completely OBSESSED with being a good-smelling kind of person so now I'm in my "bying fragrances body oil moisturizing cream roses soap fruits shampoo etc" era
I so desperately want romantic love in my life it almost makes me want to climb trees in the middle of the street