that's when her eyes finally dared flicker upwards to meet carter's heart freezing while she attempted to read how he was feeling beneath his patient silence. "it wasn't a happy home life, there wasn't any love left between us, and we only see each other for events or nights like tonight. which, again, were silently communicated obligations. our marriage has felt like a business arrangement for a long time. but i also gained some peace, i realized that i thought i liked being alone," the girl dared to reach out and rest a hand on his knee, hoping he didn't pull away. "it seemed good enough until i met you, carter. you breathed an unexpected warmth back into my life, one that was so unwelcoming at first until it melted the walls i had subconsciously built up over all those years. i laughed fully for the first time in so long, i wanted to show up for you, not because i felt like i had to, and i experienced a kind, gentleness that has never been extended to me before. you began to see me as myself, and not for the accomplishments i had achieved that you could brag about. no one had done that before. you were such a surprise."
"and i don't do well with surprises, but i didn't run. i don't think i could've made my feet even turn the opposite direction if i willed them to. but the closer i got, the more i fell, the more it felt like i was hiding from you. i had this entire other life we both willfully ignored, thinking it might fix itself on it's own or we would cut our fun short or whatever, but that didn't happen. we fell in love instead, and that was the most jarring part of it all. i've known for months that i needed to end it with him, that you deserved so much more than the fraction of what i was giving you — i just couldn't do it. i couldn't put you through a divorce, a family feud, i couldn't put you through having to deal with me while i went through it all and potentially fell apart on a nightly basis. it's so fucking much to ask of you, carter, and i never managed to even utter the question. it was so easy to ignore when i looked in your eyes and let everything else fade away. but you deserve so much more than that."
"i want to leave him. i'm going to, whatever happens here between us. but i'll never ask you to take anything on that you don't want to be a part of or don't think you're capable of. and if this night has gone all wrong, if it means i lose you too, then i understand. i made this bed, carter, so i'll lie in it whatever state it's in. i just had to let you know everything before i actually did it."
tightening her grip on his leg, she quickly poured more whiskey into both of their glasses as she fought of another onslaught of tears. "i'm so sorry."
