To lead yourself
Today I woke up late in an important exam. Last night I munched on garbage until my stomach twisted and flipped until 2 am. I ended up sleeping at 5 and missed the 8 am exam. Fortunately, I am the child of the Universe and the Universe gave me a very understanding lecturer. Thank you, ma'am. And thank you Mother Universe.
This is the 3rd time I missed something in the morning due to my fucked up sleeping habit. I am a night owl and since living by myself I can decide when to sleep and when I am going to be awake. Sadly I always make bad decisions. I realized my lack of self discipline and how easily I got carried away by lust and worldly desires. It's horrible.
Do you know the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley? It goes like this :
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
I adore this poem and especially the last line. Mister Henley must be some sort of a Buddhist monk to be able to have the willpower to write that kind of sentence. I heard that he wrote it when he was in prison, as a means for him to never give up. How awesome!
"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"
You know I can say that I am a failed captain. If my soul were a ship it would be Titanic. Long drown and frozen and broken.
I believe in God and honestly it's comforting to say that the misfortunes that happened in your life happened because of God. But I know it's not true. I can say that more than 60% of bad days that happened in my life is caused by me and myself only. Moreover it is caused by how I always choose instant happiness over a struggle to sustain a long term happiness.
I've always been told that I have what it takes to be a good leader. Annida is confident, outspoken and gets along with everyone... if only they know how I am deeply insecure and cannot even lead my own goddamn self. I hate being told what to do yet without someone like that I don't function properly.
You ask, if you know the problem then why don't you do something about it?
That's right. I will. I know that I have the capability to do that. I am able to taught myself English and French, so it's time to be more than just a teacher but also a leader for myself. I should make that as my New Year Resolution.
I have to remind myself that not only self love is important but also self discipline. I just realized how we are just inhabitants to our body and soul and it's necessary for us to have a good relationship with it.
To lead other people, we have to know them and acknowledge their problems.
To love other people, we have to accept the good and bad and would want to develop for the better together.
It's just the same with ourselves, I guess. It will take time but little steps matter.
I have decided that I want to be the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.
