#leaf thoughts

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

TW: suicide, ableism, homophobia

Happy father's day to the man who cheated on the sweetest woman I know.

Happy father's day to the man who didn't accept me for who I was or who I liked.

Happy father's day to the man who doesn't believe in mental illness until he finds out his daughter almost killed herself.

Happy father's day to the man who doesn't believe that anything is wrong with his daughter.

Happy father's day to the man who left his daughter unattended for HOURS when they were only a toddler.

Happy father's day to the man that broke his daughter's things when she was little because she was "getting too old for them."

Happy father's day to the man who is a better police officer than a dad.

Fuck you dad.

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

hey friend, ik ur life is tough rn but u handle it well and im rlly proud of u. love u dude

Thank you so fucking much. I'm sobbing rn thank you

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

TWW: SEWER SLIDE/ BAD BAD THOUGHTS

Just when I think things are going better and my FND is getting better, I'm hit with the stark realization that no, it's getting worse.

The headaches are constant now. Medicine doesn't help. The seizures are daily. More than one a day. I can barely do things anymore and I just wish it'd get better.

Am I sewer slidal? No. Do I sometimes wish it was over? Yes. Would I ever? Not after Brody. But jeez, it's so hard to keep going like this.

I wish the pain would go away, I wish that exercising would help my mobility, I wish the seizures would stop, I wish the headaches would stop. The tremors have lessened, only happening a few times during the day, but nothing else has stopped.

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

I watched more Bojack Horseman today. Been a good while since I did. Left me absolutely stunned (i was on season 4) and definitely did make me feel even more depressed than my episodes recently. But you know what I learned? The only way out is through. Time's arrow doesn't stop or go back, it just keeps marching forward. And that hit hard with me. After sobbing for 30 minutes by a highway, (there's one right by my backyard, I hobbled) it really clicked and made me think back to a poem I wrote.

Because maybe it's fine.

Fine to feel this way.

Fine to wash out, fine to not know.

Watching the show before, I always thought back to that. But today it had me thinking hard. My life is definitely crumbling around me and only a handful are helping to pick up the pieces with me. Others are set on tearing me down all over again even if they have this complex where they say they want me to get better and convince themselves they're doing the right thing, but it's just a lie they feed themselves to make THEM feel good. I'm sick and tired of it.

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

I broke my two month sobriety streak.

Best. Decision. Ever.

I had a night where I didn't feel absurd amounts of pain, where I didn't feel like my body betrayed me, where I didn't feel like collapsing in on myself and crying because why does my body have to me like this?

It's not good, I know. But damn, I'll take no pain for any price. Sorry for how depressing this blog has been lately, I'm scheduled for a counselor soon. Maybe then my dad will decide that maybe putting me on antidepressants isn't such a bad idea.

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

Happy birthday @theflag-official

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

Pemtrova snamk

[littlebeanantenthusiast]

boy I love headaches.

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHGAHAGAGHAGGGAGJSDGHG

Throwback to the quart of chocolate milk I chugged last August