To all the broken hearts out there
Hello, I am new here. I've never been on tumblr until today, but I have heard that its a great place to blog and meet other like minded people. Currently I am working through a particularly heartbreaking break up. Its basically an 18yr long saga that has come to an end and not by my choice. Our story is very long and I will write it all out in another post, but I am hoping that putting this all out here into the world and letting out all my feeling might help me move on and heal after 18yrs of ups and downs.
I feel like I have died, my heart is so broken and I am having trouble functioning. He was my whole world. I loved him with all I had, gave him all my time and did everything I could to make him feel loved and cared for since he had just gotten out of a marriage that ended badly (from what he said). He had told me that he regretted letting me go when we were younger ( we had been together for 2 yrs when we were in our early 20s) and that I was the one and, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me an make up for all our lost years. It felt like a dream and I was so happy....but sadly life is not a dream and after 2 years it turned out that it was all a huge mountain of lies, gaslighting and manipulation. He now has a new girlfriend and has blocked me on everything but Instagram so that I can see his new life, yet im restricted from message or comments so I cant say anything. It seems a very extreme form of torture and sadly I don't have the strength to block him because I miss him so much even though it hurts to see him happy with someone new after all his lies that I believed.
I was so confused and hurt and lost. I started to read about these sorts of things online and that's where I have come to realize that my ex is a covert narcissist. It all makes sense, why I could never get over him or keep him out of my life. Why he was always able to charm me into forgiving him and stay in each others lives. He has emotionally manipulated me and emotionally abused me and even as I write this and have become aware of what he is, I still miss him everyday. Knowing what he is and that it was never real for him, doesn't change that it was real for me and I am cant turn my feelings on and off like he can. Its been a month without him and I feel like I have died inside and like I will never love again. I loved this man for 18yrs and he promised me a whole life to make up for the one we lost and once again he lied and left me, and instead gave that life to another woman. Just like he did when we were in our 20s. He feeds on my love and weakness for him and seems to enjoy destroying me.
I am sad that it took me so long to find out what he was because if I had of known 2 yrs ago I could have saved myself this pain and sorrow, but now I know to never let him back in again. Because when this relationship ends (because they always do) I will not be there to pick up the pieces like all the times before. Because now I know why I did (mental and emotional abuse and manipulation) and can stop myself from falling for that cycle again. Sadly being aware now doesn't stop all the pain or make the years of abuse and love vanish. So I am trying to cope with this extreme trauma bond I have with my ex and my overwhelming feelings of heartbreak and a the loss of what feels like a life long dream to be with him forever. At the time all the plans and promises seemed so real, but now I know it was all future faking and manipulation to keep me around until he found someone new there with him. I live in another country which of course made his lies and manipulation a lot easier.
Here I hope to work through my feeling and hopefully find others that are trying to heal from this sort of abuse, along with trying to find myself again and build a life for myself. It seems common to lose yourself in a relationship with a narcissist along with losing your way. I feel so lost and hurt that there are many days that I pray I will not wake up because the pain I feel when I do is so unbearable that I cant get myself to do anything and then I feel worse because I know he is out living his best life with someone new, traveling and working his dream job. All things that he ended up with due to my encouragement and ideas that I would give him to get ahead and heal. He basically killed me in order to become his best and then left me behind. Are there any others out there going through anything like this or maybe have found their way through it and can give me advice on how to heal?
