#ledger entry

[ferventlyviolentsecret]

Two Tracks

Childhood dissociation is a strange beast. In ways most who haven’t lived it won’t ever intuitively grasp.

I lived two lives, running alongside each other but never touching.

On one track was the ‘me’ who went to school, did homework, showed up at appointments and playdates.

That version of me didn’t know what was happening. Not really. They were built to keep going, to keep smiling, to stay innocent of what we couldn’t bear.

On the other track, other parts carried everything.

Why we woke screaming in the night, sweating through sheets.

Why we knew closets and mirrors weren’t safe.

Why we knew what adults did.

That was the one who curled on the floor instead of the bed, who vomited from terror in the dark.

These tracks ran side by side. They leaked into each other all the time, but never met.

I felt wrong, dirty, ruined, without knowing why. I didn’t understand what made me different, only that I was. Every cruel twist of social rejection because of this just deepened the barriers.

That’s the paradox of childhood dissociation.

It shields you enough to keep living, but it also leaves you fractured. The unknowing self stumbles through the day, while the knowing self is hidden but still screaming.

Both are you.

Neither is whole.

[ferventlyviolentsecret]

haii, i hope ur doing ok, srry if this is rude but i wanted to ask cause idk much about DID and i was wondering, what’s the difference between a performance role and an alter, for u?

rot report turned lesson. roles were costumes, alters were people.

Performance roles vs alters in programmed DID

For me the roles came first. During trafficking I was filmed over 6–9 years in different series. The content shifted as I aged, but the characters stayed the same. I was expected to embody them again and again. Think of them like costumes:

• the innocent or cherub

• the confused but sexualized one

• the provocative one

Alters are not the costumes or the lines. They are people who had to survive those roles. Sometimes a little was shoved into “innocent,” but that does not make her a performer. She is just a child who was used.

The performance alters are the ones who developed to manage the acting itself:

• the Doll (the puppet, numb, just keeps the show going)

• the Demon (handles aggression and sexual intensity)

• the Pet (handles obedience and sexuality differently)

Conclusion

So:

• A role is the part the outside world demanded

• An alter is the person inside who carried it

Sometimes they map neatly, sometimes they do not. Performance alters are the tacticians of survival, created to make the impossible doable, even when the cost was us.

[ferventlyviolentsecret]

I wrote grandfer is evil on my lettering practice board.

I'd learned how to spell evil from a cartoon I liked.

I walked over to his house, and I left it on the welcome mat.

I wonder if it scared him.

I wonder if he stared at those crooked little letters and felt something move in his chest.

If my words made him nervous about knocks on the door.

If unexpected phone calls ever made his stomach drop.

I wonder if he lies awake some nights.

If he listens for footsteps.

If he waits for consequences the way I used to wait for him.

Maybe someday someone with a louder voice will write the same thing.

Bigger letters.

Where everyone can see.