Childhood dissociation is a strange beast. In ways most who haven’t lived it won’t ever intuitively grasp.
I lived two lives, running alongside each other but never touching.
On one track was the ‘me’ who went to school, did homework, showed up at appointments and playdates.
That version of me didn’t know what was happening. Not really. They were built to keep going, to keep smiling, to stay innocent of what we couldn’t bear.
On the other track, other parts carried everything.
Why we woke screaming in the night, sweating through sheets.
Why we knew closets and mirrors weren’t safe.
Why we knew what adults did.
That was the one who curled on the floor instead of the bed, who vomited from terror in the dark.
These tracks ran side by side. They leaked into each other all the time, but never met.
I felt wrong, dirty, ruined, without knowing why. I didn’t understand what made me different, only that I was. Every cruel twist of social rejection because of this just deepened the barriers.
That’s the paradox of childhood dissociation.
It shields you enough to keep living, but it also leaves you fractured. The unknowing self stumbles through the day, while the knowing self is hidden but still screaming.
Let's talk a little about why the phrase "prostituted women" sucks.
Here's an example of a radfem referring to sex workers as "prostituted women", demonstrating how this language is used to ignore sex workers' autonomy. The author uses this term for me, a trans guy who sells sex with no-one controlling me, to imply that selling sex is an action which happens to me instead of something I do. (The misgendering is unsurprising - TERF and SWERF rhetoric go hand in hand.)
The quote above is from an article I wrote, Pre-Prostitution Jitters, where I speak openly about experiencing PTSD and fearing meeting with clients. I talk about how past sexual abuse often prompts this response for sex workers who have it. This is treated as soft language because... I don't describe selling sex as "earning [my] livelihood by getting raped". Me choosing to sell sex, and being stressed or nervous beforehand, is treated as evidence that the sex I seek out and consent to is rape.
The term "prostituted women" exists to treat sex workers as if we are all women and are merely acted upon and make no choices for ourselves about our sex work. The phrase implies that a third party is controlling us, because otherwise who are we being "prostituted" by? Ourselves?
Do not be fooled by people who claim to be worried about sex workers, who won't even refer to us by the terms we prefer.
I don’t see many post on inappropriate sinus tachycardia so i’m gonna make some starting with an explanation of it
inappropriate sinus tachycardia (IST) is a form of dysautonomia causing someone to experience sinus tachycardia, this makes the heart rate 100+ bpm at rest and and 90+ bpm over a 24 hour period without an identifiable cause. IST can be asymptomatic but many with it experience symptoms
Before i go on i will explain some of these terms
Dysautonomia is an umbrella term for conditions causing dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, which is part of the nervous system that controls functions that we don’t think about or control. Things like heart rate, sweat production, pupil size, and much more
Sinus tachycardia is when the sinoartiral node of the heart send signals to make the heart beat fast. Causing tachycardia which is a faster than normal heart rate, normal heart rate is 60-100 bpm, 100+ bpm is tachycardia
IST is defined as a heart rate of 100+ bpm while at rest and a heart rate of 90+ bpm over a 24 hour period. There is no identifiable cause and IST is a diagnosis of exclusion and other things must be ruled out.
IST can be asymptomatic but many people with it experience distressing symptoms like (not a full list)
Palpitations (uncomfortable feelings in chest from fast heart rate)
Chest pain
Shortness of breath
Issues with exercise
Presyncope (feeling like you’re going to pass out
Syncope (passing out
Some with inappropriate sinus tachycardia will also have jumps in their heart rate from mild exertion
Treatment for IST may include certain medications such as beta blockers, calcium channel blockers
ivabradine is shown to be effective but is not yet approved for treatment of IST
People may also use other forms of treatment like exercise training and lifestyle changes
Sinus node ablation is a surgery some get for IST which is seen to be effective at first but a lot of people with it notice that it reoccurs in a few months
Lowering heart rate in those with IST may not always improve symptoms
Sources and more information
Inappropriate sinus tachycardia (IST) is a syndrome in which the sinus heart rate is inexplicably faster than expected and associated sympto
Some people seem to be confused about bg3 companions calling some "canon" and others "optional".
My dudes bg3 is a good crpg, all companions are optional. You can solo the game if you like, you can kill any of them, not recruit them or recruit them all.
I literally killed Shart at the beach once, took the artefact from her dead body and run the whole game without her existing at all. This was my durge having extra urges, it's called roleplay for a reason.
There is no such thing as optional and not optional companions
I am NOT a cult survivor (expect for rqc, which will come up later) but since i was a thirteen, i have been interested in cults. Which "side" you are on, take a seat and a good look at the traits of a cult:
The pure thought, the concept of trying to justify harmful behaviour and thoughts (yes, thoughts can be harmful. For example, you wouldnt say that a person who feels no distress thinking about killing people would be any less mentally ill than a person who does, yeah?) Is very cult-y to me.
"We just want appectance! We just want peace! Our beliefs are valid!"
The whining bounces through the walls of the giant box, echo filling the space of the mob yelling.
Its all an echo chamber.
This is where my experience comes up... or should i say our experience?
As someone who is a CDD system (questioning polyfragmentation and being a ramcoa survivor, medically regonized but not yet diagnosed), our alter Solar was both groomed by our abusers and later groomed online (we were collectively victimized, but Solar holds those memories. Those groomers were radqueers.).
Most of their existence, he thought that harmful paraphilias were a normal part of life and totally appectable and something to be proud of. She caused our system many drama situations, got us deeper into a manipulative and co-depentent friendship and frequently stalked radqueer communities and idolized them. They also antagonized people in-sys, often reaffirming intrusive thoughts, triggering flashbacks and manipulating vulnerable alters into harm the body for pleasure.
Recently, Solar has taken accountability of harming our system, no longer thinks that paraphilia is normal and is aiming to recover. He feels like her whole "life" has been wasted and is struggling with SI, overcome with regret. But one thing they do not feel is shame for leaving these echo chambers. He will not feel shame for being a survivor. She will not be licking the boots of the very same people who took advantage of them. They are a survivor of the rqc. Suck it up.
Conclusion:
From personal experience, radqueer community and people associating positively with it are an ouroboros. Only talking and taking sources and advice from each other, ingnoring and demonizing critics (for example, Hushypuppy) and mental health professionals and often, destroying themselfves. Its no secret that radqueers are extremely mentally ill and isolated people, looking for a community and appectance.
Where there's prey, there's predators. Malignant people will join these communities for the purpose of hurting the mentally ill.
Are you a radqueer reading this? Now, listen very carefully. I understand that you may feel conflicted, paranoid maybe angry? Maybe you're trying to cope with humor by laughing at my post? I understand your denial, but i need for you to listen to me.
No person should be left to succumb into a swamp with no bottom.
GET OUT. While there's still time and hope for you. Especially if you are underage "chronologically". These people are not your friends, they are victims and their abusers. They dont care about you or your mental health. Log off. Talk to someone you are close with. Family, friends, teachers, psychologists, therapists... Seek real connections and listen to the opinions of people outside of the internet. Even if its hard. Even if it hurts. Caterpillar needs to struggle to become a butterfly.
Bless for all of you. Farewell. Maybe i'll post my trash art later.
On Cemí and Taíno Spirituality: An Opening Orientation
I want to talk about spirituality, but to do so I recognize the need to talk about specific deities, and in order to do that we need to talk about and have an understanding of Cemínism/Zeminism (for continuity and understandability, I will be using the academic “Cemí” spelling with a “C”, but please keep in mind, Zemí is valid as well recognized academically and in the tribal nation, I just don’t want confusion).
There is no single term that fully captures this the Taíno spiritual system in its original context, and even the use of words like “religion” or “spirituality” can be limiting. What is being described is not a separate sphere of life, but an integrated way of understanding relationships—between people, land, ancestors, realms, and the forces that sustain existence.
Within the Cemínism framework, cemís are central.
Cemí are not easily defined in singular terms. They may be understood as ancestral presences, spiritual beings, forces of nature, or the material forms through which those presences are engaged. In short- objects imbued with a presences. Cemís may be represented through a carved object or natural form; they can also be encountered through place, memory, or practice- most notable examples are sacred places, some are sacred because they are imbued. These distinctions are fluid, and often depend on context (Pané, 1498/1999; Oliver, 2009). Because of this, cemís are not distant or abstract. They, the objects, exist within relationship— imbued with a presence that is carried through lineage, expressed through environment, and recognized through interaction rather than belief alone.
In the most basic of terms - a cemí is molded to one’s own perception of a deity or ancestral spirit, it is imbued by it and represents the relationship between a community/family/person and said deity or ancestral spirit. It is a physical vessel or embodiment of spiritual power.
The basic anatomy of what a cemí represents:
The Embodiment/Object: It is believed that the physical object actually contains the spirit or essence of a deity or ancestral spirit. NOT that it is the deity or spirit directly (no deity can be contained, nor should anyone seek to that’s viewed as malevolent and world harming behavior).
The Materials: They are crafted using a wide variety of materials, including wood, cotton, stone, shell, clay, and even bone, which were often carved or molded to reflect incarnations, visions or dreams to the deity and ancestral spirit. Sometimes clothing and accessories are crafted to adorn the cemí, as additions (see after sources for photos of some preserved documented cemís).
The Function: Acting as intermediaries, these objects are used to communicate with the spirit world, seek guidance, influence, and ensure the community's (or persons) prosperity, health, protection, etc. The concept is deeply relational, serving as a direct, tangible link between the physical world and the sacred unseen.
(Jiménez (2021), Doyle (2020))
To put this into context, the most common cemís that come to mind are of those of Yúcahu (there are other spellings, far too many to individually list on this post), Atabey, and Guan Ban Sech. For many these names invoke a Cemí to come to mind, but one of the most common ones in connection to Atabey is the Coquí. You can’t drive on the road anywhere in a major city with a Puerto Rican population without coming across a Taíno Coquí symbol, weather it’s on someone’s car, flag, or tattooed on their body. While there are different beliefs around the Coquí- some view it as the symbology for luck, being safe guarded, others as an extension of Atabey’s Fertility incarnation, the nurturing care of a mother. There are some that just view it a symbol of pride and origin. Regardless of the individuals view- they are have the core reasoning of a relationship with nature, safety, and Puerto Rico as an island, and it has been a cultural Cemí carried through lineage and recognized through interaction rather than belief alone for loner than any academic can pin point. See how cemís can be more than merely an object?
With all this say, let me disclaim - It is also important to acknowledge that not all aspects of this knowledge are meant for public or generalized discussion. Some teachings, ceremonial practices, and interpretations are held within specific communities, families, or initiated spaces. What is shared here reflects information that is more widely documented or openly discussed, and should be understood as partial, relative, and foundationally basic rather than comprehensive.
Much of what is commonly known about Taíno spiritual life comes from two sources, early colonial records and cultural knowledge passed through family and communities across the Caribbean. Archeological and anthropological accounts, while valuable, were written through external perspectives and are often incomplete. As a result, contemporary understanding is shaped not only by these texts, but also by oral tradition, community knowledge, and ongoing cultural practice (Curet, 2014; Keegan & Carlson, 2008).
This is where variation becomes important.
Taíno-descendant communities exist across different regions of the Caribbean and its diaspora, and their approaches to cemís can reflect those environments. In some areas, there may be a stronger emphasis on agricultural relationships and land-based practices (ie. like personal gardens, keeping of ancestral trees, dances, etc), in others, a more pronounced connection to coastal or riverine environments (ie. Meditative swimming, Water/River Cultures, etc), and some even blend with other spiritual beliefs (ie. Afro-indigenous communities have a similar practice, cemís crossing into Orisha spaces happened naturally), one’s environment shapes how certain presences are understood and expressed- and under the practice of cemínism it is all valid.
Even within the same region, differences can emerge between families or communities. These variations may influence how cemí are named, how they are approached, or how relationships with them are maintained. Rather than indicating inconsistency, these differences reflect continuity—adaptation over time in response to place, history, and lived experience (Oliver, 2009).
As a cultural example, if you’ve ever read the memoir “My Broken Language”, by Quiara Alegria Hudes; she describes her mother’s spiritual garden dotted with stone lines, carved sculptures, 4 directional sections, and specific plants planted per section. An outsider reads it, takes in the environment described, it might be new to them and they continue. Someone with an even basic understand of Caribbean indigenous beliefs or living cultural experience in the Caribbean though, they read it and can recognize the stone dividing lines as cibas, the sculptures likely cemís of Taíno and Orisha presences, the divided section being the wheel, and even the specific plants reflecting the Taíno cardinal directions. When you have the lived experience of culture, you can fill the blanks, understand without a full course explanation which means authors like Ms. Hudes can share semi closed practices in this form, and it works. Those outside get a glimpse, those with context get validation and recognize the meaning.
In general there is no single, fixed system that can fully represent Taíno spirituality as it exists today, but cemínism is such a central part that it has undeniably been carried through lineage, expressed through history, and recognized thoroughly culturally, regardless of personally held beliefs.
For those beginning to learn, it may be helpful to approach this not as a system to be mastered, but as a set of relationships to be understood gradually. Definitions may shift with time, exposure, and while building community with others. Meanings may deepen over time. What is learned in one space may be expanded or reframed in another. It is all a process.
Selected References (for further reading)
Pané, R. (1498/1999). An Account of the Antiquities of the Indians. (J. J. Arrom, Ed. & Trans.). Duke University Press.
Oliver, J. R. (2009). Caciques and Cemí Idols: The Web Spun by Taíno Rulers Between Hispaniola and Puerto Rico. University of Alabama Press.
Dr. Jiménez, Maya (2021). Taíno zemís and duhos, Smarthistory, The Center for Public Art History.
Doyle, James A. (2020). Arte Del Mar: Art of the Early Caribbean. New York: Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Curet, L. A. (2014). Caribbean Paleodemography: Population, Culture History, and Sociopolitical Processes in Ancient Puerto Rico. University of Alabama Press.
Keegan, W. F., & Carlson, L. A. (2008). Talking Taíno: Caribbean Natural History from a Native Perspective. University of Alabama Press.
This essay contains citations to academic research for your understanding.
Photos of Documented Cemís
Taíno artist, Zemí (cacique side), c. 1510–1515 (Museo Nazionale Prehistorico ed Etnografico “Luigi Pigorini,” Rome, Italy; photo: Lorenzo Demasi)
Taíno, Deity Figure (Zemí), 13th–15th century, sandstone, Dominican Republic (The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
Taíno artist, Spatula, c. 10th–15th century, manatee bone, from the Greater Antilles, Caribbean (Cleveland Museum of Art)
Taíno artist, Zemí (mask side), c. 1510–1515 (Museo Nazionale Prehistorico ed Etnografico “Luigi Pigorini,” Rome, Italy; photo: Lorenzo Demasi) [This is my favorite, it has a whole out fit and movable mask]
Taíno artist, Three-Cornered Stone (Trigonolito), 13th–15th century C.E., limestone, from the Dominican Republic (The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
Taíno artist, Cotton cemí; Museum of Anthropology and Ethnography Turin (A Taíno Idol's Origin Story)
Constantly thinking about how Europeans portrayed the 13 Colonies/America as a “savage” half dressed Indigenous woman to contrast the “pure”, white, Christian, Britannia, dressed in Greco-roman robes compared to the feathered hairpieces, grass skirt, and bare-breasted torso of America.
Britannia is only shown bare-breasted when she is hurt, vulnerable, or being abused; her eroticism is meant to shame you, it is meant to invoke your pride as an Englishman.
America, however, is shown in a constant state of fetishization. She is not drawn like other racial caricatures: she is not meant to evoke disgust in the viewer, but instead to arouse him. In some ways, it is an inverse of the orientalist views that would develop of Arab women. While Arab women would go on to be viewed as inherently submissive, America is being shown as something to be made to submit. She appeals to the fantasy of making a dominant woman submit to the superior man; an inferior culture submitting to the superior Western, Christian culture.
Even the weapons they use, like in images 2 and 5, have erotic undertones. Britannia holds a spear, America holds a small Tomahawk. Spears are a very sexual weapon due to their phallic nature. Spears are strong, they are long, you thrust them into your enemy; “speared” is even used as a euphemism for penile penetration.
That is why in image 6, Britannia is being stabbed by a spear. They are not just showing that she is being injured, they are showing her being penetrated; she is facing what they viewed as a fate worse than death for a woman: she is being raped by the enemies.
When Britannia is shown with a spear and America is shown with the emasculated tomahawk, it is not just to show the superiority of British forces over the primitive, backwards Americans, but to show that the British are the true men.
America is the unruly, savage Indian. She is not completely worthless however. She is an exotic beauty with an erotic, fertile body; she is not evil, she is misguided by her backwards ways. But that is okay. She simply needs a firm hand to guide her, whether she likes it or not.
