#organized abuse

[cor-vent]

[spunsugarphantom]

Weird ass shit from my childhood as an ANP / non trauma holding part, because I find the division of normal life and not for a child trafficking survivor kind of funny:

❗General TW for candidness and lack of filtering❗

Not owning any pajamas, choices were either wear my dirty school uniform to bed over and over or wear one of an adult man's (pedophile's) t shirts w nothing else

Sheets literally not washed for years

Ceiling in our bathroom collapsing from water damage and the plaster just being left on the floor for months before anything was done (there was plenty of money, our guardian was making 6 figures)

Building off of that, the ceiling being obviously on the verge of collapsing for months, and our guardian saying "well if it falls on you and you get injured we can probably get insurance money" (??)

Sleeping in bunk beds in a kitchen fsr, bc there was 'no room for us to have a bedroom'

The place we lived getting raided by the FBI in the middle of the night, just being like "ah wonder what's that about" and going back to sleep (nobody went to prison anyways lmao)

Being told "you do literally nothing, how could you possibly be tired, you're just lazy and pathetic" by a man who knew full well what he was waking us up in the night to do, and had caught on to our dissociative amnesia

Mold everywhere

Being told it was normal to poison rats and then leave their decomposing bodies in the house to rot rather than looking for and removing them (??), being laughed at for being repulsed by this; yeah turns out it was a fetish

Letting other students be physically violent towards me and sexually harass me at school without protesting or reacting bc the conditioning transcended the dissociative barriers

Recreating trauma memories I wasn't explicitly aware of through play when I was alone, which turned into finding and engaging with pedophile fetish content on the Internet in elementary school

Finding actual CSAM on YouTube in third grade by complete accident (??), again unrestricted internet access in the early 2010's was wild

Being told I was going to be pulled out of school to collect soft clay from the Gulf of Mexico so we could sell it to rich people as a skincare scam; thankfully this did not happen bc the FBI raid over another illegal business freaked our guardian out

Being told I was turning into a slut because I was caught trying to watch American Ninja Warrior

Finding hypnosis videos meant to help couples have better sex, aka "wet hypnosis" lmao idek, with a friend in 5th grade (again we return to the unrestricted internet access, it's a rabbit hole)

Literally discovering I was not able to feel anger after somebody threw a water bottle full of ice directly at my face for no fkcn reason

Good Lord I could go on. Anyways I was raised by YouTube or whatever, super normal stuff.

- Moth

[cor-vent]

I am nothing I am everything

[cor-vent]

Was I ever beautiful?

[cor-vent]

I want to know what he would have been if there could be a world where neither of us was programmed, where he’s just an ordinary man—my dad or my lover. But without the programmed role of his victim, I don't even exist. And he can't exist either without the role of the perpetrator.

[cor-vent]

I want to be hugged by him again, I miss his scent and warmth that always comforted me after extreme pain. I don't know if I'll ever stop missing him.

[cor-vent]

Whenever I lie down now I turn into the little boy who was sex trafficked, forever trembling in the past. I can't feel safe, sleeping is so hard.

[cor-vent]

He's jealous of me. Daddy is jealous of me. Jealous that I have a wealthy family. I've always felt guilty because of it. He fucked me so hard it hurt. He was smiling. I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry.