🧁:Antinous,Suitors, brief Telemachus
🍫:Odysseus,Telemachus, brief suitors
Summary: after Odysseus returns home at last, with his whole fleet in tow, he finds out that the suitors have been trying to court his wife and have been mischief makers around the palace, and he decides an unconventional way to get revenge.
A/N: in case it isn’t clear, this is more directed towards my no one dies au!! Everyone makes it home alive and Odysseus is still a monster- but! A tickle monster. This is a more wholesome version of the song Odysseus from the Ithaca saga!! Also, I wanted the title to be ‘the return of the ruthless king’ but it was too long, so I had to decide between ‘the ruthless king’ or ‘the return of the king’, and I went with the former. (I thought I’d mention all my title options so ya’ll could see them.) also, I wasn’t originally gonna use the birthday stuff, but I ended up adding it cause it just makes the plot flow better. anyway, With all that being said, enjoy!! :D
(P.S: don’t mind continuity errors I couldn’t figure out a way to make it all work. I just wanted a fun, happy fic okay?!?!)
What, you may ask? Well, he was at a table with the suitors. It was Telemachus’ birthday, and as a gift, they wanted to cause a touch of mischief among the palace. They wanted to have a surprise party, and during it wanted to start a massive tickle fight- one that would ensure their victory, for fun. So they were coming up with a battle strategy.
“Okay, here’s the plan!” Antinous started, a playful undercurrent to his deep voice. “Telemachus is coming back from his mission today! so we’re gonna wait at the beach- and as soon as he steps on the sand: BOOM! We’re gonna tickle attack him! At the same time, we’ll have some people on the inside setting up his birthday party!”
A chorus of mischievous giggles rose from the crowd.
“You guys are gonna hold him down so I can get free range on all his tickle spots! I can’t wait to make the little prince laugh his heart out! And then once he’s all giggled out, we’ll bring him in to his surprise party! He’s gonna love it!”
“Heheh- that sounds like fun!” “Let’s do it!” “Yeah!” The suitors all responded, and Antinous did a gesture to silence them.
“There’s more-“ as soon as the words were said, they all hushed to listen. “After Telemachus is taken down, he’ll be too tired to defend his mom! Then we can go to her room and surprise her with tickles too!”
“Wooo!” “Yeah!” More cheers. More laughter.
As the suitors continued to merrily talk and strategize, mentally preparing for a fun game- little did they know that the fleet containing the kings crew had returned. Most of the fleet was surrounding the palace and catching up, a few of the crew members came in the palace with Odysseus. Odysseus himself took place in the back of the crowd, looking at Antinous with a mischievous glare.
“Let’s do this! Channel your inner child, have fun and- AHA-!” He let out a surprised bark of laughter as he suddenly felt an onslaught of tickles on his neck.
“Ahaha- whahahat thehehe-!”
Odysseus chuckled, and his friends and crew members watched on, preparing for the game that was about to take place.
“You were saying?” He taunted, but didn’t allow Antinous to respond before continuing. “20 years I was gone, struggling through trials and tribulations, working myself to the bone to keep my crew alive. And I return to hear that you planned on ambushing my son and wife? Let’s turn the tables, then.”
“Wahait, nohoho-! Ahaha-! Stohohop ihit!”
“Nah, not yet. You’re the leader, I gotta get you real good. Besides, you planned a birthday party for my son! Without me!”
“YohOU’ve beheheen mihihissing fohor 20 yehehehears!”
“Well it would’ve been nice for you to at least make an invitation! It’s the thought that counts!”
Odysseus continued to assault Antinous’ neck and ears with tickles, making him scrunch up and have bubbly giggles fall from his chest, uncharacteristically bubbly and high pitched.
“Wahahait, kihihing-! Ahahahaha-!”
“Wait for what, exactly?”
“Then I guess I should just keep going.”
“Nohohooo- plehehehHEASE-!”
Odysseus smirked, starting to nibble at Antinous neck, using his beard to make it tickle even more.
“NomNOMNOM! The tickle monster is gonna eat you up!”
“Ihi aham nohot aha CHIHILD-!” The suitor protested, squirming to try and get away from the feeling.
“Well, your giggles say otherwise.”
“Dehehear king plehehehease-! Ihihi cahahahant breheheheathe-!”
With that, Odysseus stopped and pulled back. “You are now declared as ‘dead.’” He spoke playfully, tapping lightly on the suitors nose as he caught his breath.
“And all of you are on my hit list.” He pointed at the other suitors, smirking. Hearing this, they all bolted, scattering around the palace and stifling giggles of anticipation.
Footsteps echoed along the floors of the palace, and the suitors noticed that the light started to get dimmer, a giddy dread infiltrating the hearts of each of them.
“In the dear kings castle, in the foyer of his home-“ one suitor started, (you can see it as speaking or singing whichever floats your boat.) only to be cut off by another. “Somewhere in the shadows I hear a playful father’s tone!”
Another responded, “we have the advantage! We’ve the numbers and the might!”
The second suitor replied back, a giddy panic in his voice. “No! You don’t understand it, this man plans for every fight! EEK-!” He was cut off by a screech as Odysseus squeezed his sides, proclaiming this suitor as ‘dead’ as well.
It’s funny, even though they didn’t have to, all the suitors obeyed the rules of this game the king had started. Once declared dead, they went back to the dining hall and started talking with the crew that had been gone rather than trying to keep playing the massive tickle fight. It was an excuse to be playful, to have fun, and they felt the need to obey by the rules like how a child takes the rules seriously.
The suitors still in, though, were running away and trying to find their stash of presents-hoping to find they’re prince and do the gift exchange, in hopes that the king would spare them-and panicking as they couldn’t find them, and couldn’t see where Odysseus was hiding, either.
“Where is he, where ihis hehe!?” One spoke, a few giggles of giddy dread slipping into the words. Another suitor pushed him down, shushing him.
“Keep the noise down he’s following our voices!”
“The presents! They’re missing!”
“He’s using the darkness to hide his approaches!”
“We’re empty handed, up against a father. Our only chance is find the prince before him!” The suitor implied attacking the prince before the king could get them all, and also briefly mentioned doing the gifts.
“We know these halls, the odds can be tilted!”
“You don’t think I know my own palace? I built it!” Odysseus voice suddenly rung out teasingly, followed by frantic giggles as he attacked one of the suitors in this group, pronouncing them dead as well.
The rest ran away, joining another group as they looked for the presents.
Meanwhile, one of the suitors, Eurymachus, was looking around and talking to the king (despite not being able to see him), suppressing the giggles in his voice to try and sound composed.
“Dear king, our leader’s upset! Ever since the prince has fled! But the rest of us still want to go ahead!”
Odysseus smirked as Eurymachus tried to call a truce, listening from the shadows.
“Dear king please lead us instead! So that no more ‘tears’ are shed! Let’s do the gift exchange instead!”
“Later!” Odysseus teased, squeezing Eurymachus’ knees and gently guiding him to the ground as his knees buckled. He then declared him dead, as well.
Returning to the previous group, they had found the presents in the laundry room, and were getting ready to have some fun with the prince.
“Damn… he’s more cunning than we assumed! While we were busy plotting he hid the presents inside this room!” Amphinoumus, another suitor, made a faux ‘upset’ tone. Then Melanthius replied, skeptical.
“I find it hard to believe that the sharpest of kings left this single room unlocked!”
“So what? Now that we’ve finally found the gifts, let’s make this party rock-!”
“Is that the prince-?!” Amphinomus got cut off by Melanthius, as Telemachus attacked him from behind, making him burst out laughing before being declared as dead as well. (Don’t ask who, but someone had informed Telemachus of the game. Not the party though, they wanted that to remain a surprise.)
“I got him! I mean- of course I got him haha..” Telemachus spoke, not sounding confident whatsoever, even with Athena’s invisible presence guiding him. He then cleared his throat, and spoke again.
“Put down those presents! And you thieves will be spared!”
“Don’t you know these gifts are for you, from us?! We wouldn’t dare!” Melanthius replied, trying to sound stern as a way to get in character, but failing miserably, his voice still holding a playful, giddy energy.
“Well I don’t believe you! So trust me, you’re going nowhere!”
“Ha! Your very presence has helped us all young prince! We don’t fight fair~” Melanthius sung in reply, teasingly wiggling his fingers at the prince.
“S-stop!” Telemachus protested feebly, blushing at the teasing gesture.
“Brothers it’s the birthday boy, on his very special day! Left the laundry room unlocked, and now it’s time to play!” As Melanthius spoke to his fellow suitors, there was an undeniable sense of excitement and playfulness in his voice, as he gestured to the pillows and other soft, fluffy objects nearby. “Brothers, come and arm yourselves, there’s a chance for us to win! We can still impress the king if we all befriend the prince!”
That made Telemachus pause. “Wait- what?”
The suitors chanted, lead my Melanthius. “where is he! Where is he!”
“After him he’s our greatest chance!” They all piled around the prince, starting to use their various objects to tickle him, fluttering behind his knees, squeezing his sides, anything they could think of to make him collapse into laughter.
“Gehehet ohoff mehehe-! Hahahaha- gehehet ohoff mehehe!” Telemachus spoke through his happy giggles, trying to push the suitors off of him to no avail.
“Make him laugh till he can barely stand!”
“Hold em down! Hold em down!” The other suitors echoed.
“Make the king proud of all our plans!”
“Hold em down! Hold em down!”
“And once we’re friends we can all go and dance!” Melanthius smiled as they saw that Telemachus was too trapped to put up a fight.(and too giggly.) “got him.”
Melanthius barely got the words out before he was cut off by his own laughter. “Whahahahat-!?”
Odysseus had snuck up behind him, and seperated him from the rest of them, starting to tickle his belly relentlessly.
“Meheheheheercy-! Meheheheherccyyyy!” Melanthius called, earning a teasing grin from the king.
“Mercy? Mercy?! No, no, I don’t think so! You deserve this!” He declared Melanthius as dead, before turning to the rest of the suitors, seemingly everywhere at once as he gave each of them a ticklish poke.[A/N: I know this isn’t the lyrics/accurate in the parody leave me alone]
Soon after, all the suitors were declared as dead, and then they all accompanied Telemachus to the dining hall, where everyone had gathered.
Telemachus walked in, and was surprised to see decorations and toys and tons of other birthday things, including a massive cake with candles that said ‘20’.
Everyone in the dining hall, those already there from losing or preparing, and those just entering, shouted. “SURPRISE!”
Telemachus grew a large grin. “Awww, guys! This is so sweet!” He then turned to his dad.
“And you know, although I’m sure all these gifts are great, you returning will be probably be my favorite one!” He hugged his dad tight, and then, feeling a little mischievous, Odysseus gave his son a few side pokes of his own, earning half hearted swats and gleeful giggles. “Dahahahad!”
Odysseus didn’t continue, just chuckling as he led him to the seat at the head of the table where the cake was placed.
Laughter rung out once again, and the palace was filled with cheerful celebrations for the rest of the night, as people talked and caught up after 20 long years, laughing and having fun. Together.
———THE END———————————————————-
