This is gonna sound very mean
Rate the Ship - Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs
How long will they last? - Well I mean despite the 92384234 breakups they’re still friends
How quickly did/will they fall in love? - Is this love, or is this just frustrated old man rubbing
How was their first kiss? - Prison is a helluva drug, and toilet wine is a helluva drink
Who proposed? - Len was talking to the Stanley Cup. Mick overheard him. Evan overheard him. Evan has a big mouth. Axel cannot be stopped when the word gets to him.
Who is the best man/men? - Mark. He kind of wishes he was drunk right now to get through this but he has to admit the suit they got him really makes his ass look fantastic.
Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - It’s the Stanley Cup with a bow. Axel makes ‘her’ move by a remote controlled radio car strapped to the base.
Who did the most planning? - Does getting the beer count as ‘planning’? Mick, probably. He cleared it through James to get an official paper cause like hell he’s letting this joke die without commitment.
Who stressed the most? - They lost Len for four days after the bachelor party. Mick was more stressed about that than anything.
How fancy was the ceremony? -Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big | The cellar of a hideout never looked more lovely
Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - They invited Wally and then in big bold letters with huge underlines “ONLY WALLY. NO BARRY. GRANDPA NEED NOT APPLY (ASSHOLE)”
Who is on top? -There’s no penetrative at first. Not for a long-ass time. Just a lot of angry man rolling and frotting so either, really
Who is the one to instigate things? - Mick is a very patient man since his monk training. Len is not.
How healthy is their sex life? -Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now
How kinky are they? -Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head | Does Prison Sex count
How long do they normally last? - It’s hard being a man 40 going on 75 ok
Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Mick is a nicer man and tries to be fair. Len… won’t admit he tries to be fair.
How rough are they in bed? -Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.
How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.
How many children will they have naturally? - Mick sometimes wonders if he’s sterile. Len probably has an army. None of them come forward.
How many children will they adopt? - Axel is basically the team mascot child
Who gets stuck with the most diapers? -
Who is the stricter parent? - Len
Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Leeeen
Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Mark
Who is the more loved parent? - Mick
Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - The school has a restraining order
Who cried the most at graduation? - Nobody really ‘graduated’ school while they were together, but once Evan busted into the middle of a spelling bee on accident and won and Micks’ never been more proud. Len was proud, probably tried, but also beat his ass afterwards when his nose started bleeding.
Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? -HAHAHA Len
Who does the most cooking? - Mick
Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Mick
Who does the grocery shopping? - Is it beer? otherwise Mick
How often do they bake desserts? - Why bake what you can steal
Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - is Beer and Pretzels a food group?
Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Mick bought Len a pint once after they stopped Wally from stopping them and he nearly cried.
Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Len
Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? - MICK
Who cleans the room? - christ, Mick.
Who is really against chores? - Len
Who cleans up after the pets? - Len. Axel is more ‘his’ kid anyway
Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Len
Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - If someone is coming over there is A Problem
Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Axel. Evan took it
Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Cold water lasts longer than hot
Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Evan nearly pissed himself laughing when they bought Axel a child leash. Len refused to touch it. Mick burned it “on accident”
How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - God, never
What are their goals for the relationship? - ???
Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Neither, but Len probably takes naps
Who plays the most pranks? - They Would Die If They Tried