Desire (7)
Desire Masterlist
Read on Wattpad
Sequel to Unbroken
T/W: Body negativity (Talking down to oneself about postpartum recovery)
*Leighton's POV*
The first week without Colby had been tortures.
I was so used to the texts, and calls.. It was like I was back on Sam's birthday and it sucked.
On Colby's birthday, the day after he said he wanted to give us space, I texted him Happy Birthday, and sent him a photo of Gemma so he had one of her on his birthday, but I didn't hear back for hours.
I laid around my house feeling sorry for myself, watching the sky go from bright and sunny to dark and cloudy, not hearing back from him until way after I had gotten Gemma down to sleep.
I laid on the couch watering Master Chef when he replied back with a "Thank You" which felt like a knife in my back.
Was he really done with me?
Had I really fucked him up this bad?
Aaliyah had texted me a few times, asking how things were going, to which I asked the same.
They had finally found a house in Tennessee, and were putting an offer in and before I knew it, she was officially leaving me February 14th.
Happy fucking Valentines Day to me.
Logan was leaving towards the start of February, so we planned to do a dinner at my parents house relatively soon.
Today was January 17th, and I was currently home alone since Gabe took Gemma to his parents house, and I spent my morning sleeping, only to be awakened by a puddle of milk soaking my sleep shirt.
That was a first.
I could feel the weight and wetness when I woke up, peeling the soggy shirt off of my chest.
I pumped before my chest exploded and then took a shower, now adding laundry to my to do list.
I spent most of the day cleaning.
Around dinner time, I was sitting on our old couch, searching job listings, but due to my criminal record, I couldn't find anything.
It would be so easy to go work for a grocery store or even a retail shop, but because of my damn criminal record I was getting nowhere.
I angrily shut my laptop, tossing it to the side and took a deep breath.
I kept checking my phone, waiting for any sort of message from anyone, but only adding to my boredom, there was nothing.
It felt like everyone kept going, and I was just stuck here, trapped between these four walls as I cooked and cleaned and washed baby bottles.
I was twenty one, and my life was already a housewife changing diapers.
I mindlessly stirred my mac and cheese, staring out the kitchen window, watching the world go by.
I took the pot of mac and cheese, a hot pad under it, and sat on the couch, continuing to watch Master Chef as I pumped, not wanting a repeat of this morning.
I grabbed my phone, scrolling through the different apps, not finding any of the games to be interesting.
I saw my baby apps, one of them being my pregnancy bump app and deleted it, cleaning out my phone when I was interrupted by it ringing.
Alex's name flashed across it, and I quickly answered, desperate for any sort of attention.
"Hello?" I answered a little too quickly, setting my pot of mac and cheese on my coffee table.
"Hi! Are you busy?" She asked and I shook my head before realizing how much of an idiot I was.
"No, I'm bored out of my mind, why?"
"Good! Do you want to join my friends and I out tonight? Oh wait.. you have the baby, don't you?"
"No, baby daddy has her. Where are you going?"
"There is this new club in downtown LA and my friend knows the owner's son" She explained, now on speaker as I fixed my pump.
"I thought I was your only friend" I teased, biting my lower lip, trying to stop the smile that wanted to spread across my face.
"Ha ha" She grumbled and I giggled, reaching for the TV remote. "Are you in or?" She asked and I sighed, contemplating my choices.
"I haven't exactly been to a club.. I don't even think I have anything club worthy" I admitted, feeling bashful at the confession.
"You're twenty one and you've never been to a club?" She asked, sounding genuinely shocked which only added to my guilt complex.
I mentally sighed, reminding myself that I've never been a normal young adult, and it was fine that she was surprised by this revelation.
Yeah because I'm a recovering drug addict,
"No, I haven't. They're fun, no?" I asked and I could practically hear the excitement in her voice as she told me all about the music and the drinking and the dancing.
"I'm not the best dancer"
"Come on mama! Those hips don't lie!"
I cringed, glancing down at my pudgy tummy.
"I um.. What do you wear to the club? I still look like four months pregnant" I frowned, still disappointed in my body.
After all, I'm barely in my young adulthood, and my body was already ruined.
No guy would want me now.
"A dress, something lacy, a two piece, a crop top. Anything sexy or slutty or fun" She expressed and my forehead wrinkled as I looked down at my body.
"That's not happening" I told her bluntly and she giggled which made me roll my eyes.
"Come on, you looked hot on New Years!"
"You were drunk. I literally still look pregnant"
"Some guys dig that"
"Not helping" I grumbled.
"Text me your clothing sizes and I'll pick you out something. After all, we aren't leaving till like 10 anyway" She said and I sighed, not wanting to give her my sizes.
After some convincing, I sent her my hip and waist size, and even my bra size, reminding her I'm still nursing so it couldn't have lace fronting.
Lately due to Gemma sucking too hard at my nipples, I've had to use nipple cream and pads to soothe them.
My milk has also been a little heavy lately, hence the leaking this morning, so I also have thicker nipple pads for my nursing bras to help prevent it happening in public.
I get it's normal, but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.
Alex told me that she was going to go out shopping and that she'd FaceTime me some options lately to get the feel for my style, which meant I was left alone once again.
I ended up eating the whole box of mac and cheese by myself whilst listening to people argue about why their food was underdone, or why their ground beef was on fire.
Around 8:30, I had just gotten off the phone with Gabe after seeing how Gemma was doing, letting him know my plans for the night, when our buzzer rang.
I let Alex up, glancing down at my ugly panda pajamas and pink fuzzy bathrobe.
To make matters worse, my hair was tossed up on top of my head, and my acne was out of control.
Definitely not getting laid tonight, let alone anyone buying me some kiddy cocktails.
"Don't look at the mess, let's just fix it" I muttered, opening the door.
"You look hot, that's annoying" She laughed and I rolled my eyes, knowing I looked anything but.
"You look hot. I look like a mom who hasn't slept in four years" I looked down at my toes, seeing they needed to be clipped.
"It seems like you haven't showered in four years either" She joked and I glared.
"I showered this morning!" I exclaimed, feeling the need to defend myself.
I may look bad, but I didn't look that bad.
"Well, what's that then? Baby puke?" She asked, pointing to my shirt.
I glanced down and frowned, "It's mac and cheese. I dropped it on myself when I was- never mind. What did you buy me? Something that will make me feel fat and ugly?" I asked and she rolled her eyes, handing me the bag.
"I know you said no lace, but it's thick padding. Just try, and if it sucks, I have other options. Whatever you don't like we can return" She said and I nodded, both of us walking to my master bedroom.
"Don't um.. mind the bottles. I haven't washed them yet" I mumbled, seeing the empty milk bottles by my nightstand.
"Didn't notice. Now come on, go try them on and then we can figure out the hair and makeup"
I dumped the bag contents onto my bed, seeing a few different things.
"I am not wearing skin tight pleather jeans" I said immediately, already knowing that they will not be comfy with my thick thighs.
"Okay, well there's other options" She reminded me and I nodded, stifling through them.
"This is the bra?" I asked and she nodded. "It's cute, I'll give you that. I don't know if my boobs will fit though. I'm quite large in the chest area lately. I mean, I naturally have big boobs, but with breastfeeding and-" I rambled and she laughed, telling me she got it. "Sorry" I mumbled. "I haven't had human interaction in a while, didn't mean to ramble" I apologized, suddenly feeling extremely embarrassed.
"Try it on" She encouraged and I frowned, not sure if I wanted to attempt to put it on and then come back out and admit the defeat of it not fitting. "Also.. try on this skirt with it. I thought the pants could go with it, but I think this skirt is cuter" She tossed me a gray skirt and I nodded, walking over to the bathroom.
I decided not to turn towards the mirror, not wanting to see how fugly I looked right now.
I stripped from my clothes, my top loosening my messy bun, causing it to flop against my face.
I huffed, tugging the hair tie out.
I was left in granny panties, frowning at them.
Nothing makes you feel sexy like oversized underwear.
I had some thongs in my drawer, but I was too nervous to try them on and see how much I disliked them compared to my pre-pregnancy body.
My nipples were still quite dark, and looked quite raw from how often Gemma has been nursing lately.
I remember loving the way my boobs looked. Liking the size, and the way my nipples look. I even thought about getting nipple piercings at one point, but I'm glad I didn't.
I slipped on the gray skirt, seeing the elastic band going over my stomach. It seemed to hold everything into place, but I was too afraid to do the jump test.
I sat it up pretty high just to make sure everything was held into place, reaching over for the bra. I noticed how thick the padding was, and I smiled softly at the fact that she listened.
I squeezed my boobs a little, making sure nothing was going to come out as I tried this bra on just in case we had to return it, not knowing if I needed to grab a nipple pad or not.
Thankfully, nothing came out since I had just pumped, and I slipped it over my head, the back of it acting like a bralette, just it had more support under the boobs than my older bralettes.
I finally turned around in the mirror, thankful that it wasn't suffocating my chest.
With how big my boobs have been due to nursing, I struggled to find tops, even to just sleep in, that didn't feel like they were skin tight against my chest.
The worst part is if it was skin tight, and the material would rub against your sensitive nipples.
I don't think I've ever ripped a shirt off my body faster than the night I first experienced that horrid sensation.
I turned a bit in the mirror, bouncing a little to see if anything jiggled in an unattractive way. I noticed certain things move, but all I could hear in my head was Colby telling me how much he loved it.
I thankfully didn't look too bad, thanking God that this skirt really kept everything in place.
I tried not to let my eyes scan, and reminded myself that she said clubs were usually dark, much like New Years Eve.
One thing I couldn't ignore though, were the white heads on my face.
I don't know how long I sat there picking and prodding at my face, but eventually a knock on the door caught my attention, my cheeks bright red now from being messed with.
"Sorry, I was picking at my pimples" I chuckled, opening the door, feeling the heat on my ears at the fact that I had been in the bathroom for so long.
"Holy shit, you look so good! It's definitely the one!" She complimented, scanning me. "Hm.. do you have any black shoes? Like black strappy heels?" She asked and I nodded, walking over to my closet.
We ended up finding some black heels to go with it, placing them next to the bathroom doorway, silently praying I didn't forget about them and trip on my way out.
"You said you showered earlier, right?" She asked and I nodded, "Good, then we can do your hair!" She smiled and I laughed, Alex reminding me a lot of Aaliyah the night I got ready for my date with Silas.
I wonder how he's doing. He was a really nice guy..
"Let's do lipstick last. I have to keep eating and drinking since I'm breastfeeding. Aaliyah always yelled at me for wearing away lipstick quickly" I snickered, a pain of hurt hitting my chest as I remembered she was moving away. "Wait, let me grab my water bottle before you do my hair" I quickly walked to the kitchen, filling up my gigantic water bottle.
I was definitely going to have to pee when we got there.
"I swear this thing weighs as much as my literal child" I laughed, placing the heavy bottle on my bathroom counter.
"Do you want your hair up, down... half and half?" She asked, playing with it a little bit.
"Um.. down. It hides stuff"
"What's there to hide?"
"Uh.. everything" I let out an uncomfortable laugh, Alex shaking her head in disagreement.
"You look pretty, shut up"
"Well what do you want to do to my hair?"
"This" She murmured, moving my hair to the side and placing a soft kiss next to my ear.
"Alex" I whispered, my eyes closing as she kissed closer to my mouth.
"Tell me to stop" She whispered and I sighed, knowing I should but I really didn't want to.
"Alex, we really shouldn't"
"Yeah, but it's fun" She looked at me in the mirror.
"Yeah.. it is" I sighed, giving into her. Her hand pulled my jaw towards her, kissing me softly. "You're not drunk right now, right?" I questioned, wanting to make sure we weren't going to have a repeat of New Years Eve.
I'm all down for kissing her, but I was in no mood to go any further with her tonight.
She shook her head, kissing me again, "Mm, nope, fully sober" She murmured and I nodded, letting the kiss deepen.
~
"Yep, definitely going to regret that" I laughed, wiping some of the lipstick off the side of her mouth. "You're definitely going to need to reapply" I giggled, biting my bottom lip.
"Mm, it was worth it though, now we better hurry before we end up in bed together and not downing drinks at the club" She laughed, slapping my ass before grabbing the curling iron. "You're not into a pain kink right?" She asked and my eyes widened.
"What?!"
"I'm kidding!" She quickly said and I eyed her, not believing her.
"I don't believe you, and to answer your question. No. I do not. If you burn me with that curling iron, it's going to be shoved where the sun doesn't shine" I threatened and my jaw dropped. "Alex!" I gasped and she giggled, plugging in the curling iron.
~
"Damn, you look hot" Alex whistled and I rolled my eyes, fixing my hair.
"Not to give a double standard, but I much rather you whistle at me then some dick on the street" I chuckled, eyeing my appearance in the mirror.
"I like the way the outfit hugs your curves. You look good"
"Am I going to ruin this moment for you if I tell you I need to pump before we leave?" I asked and she laughed, shaking her head.
"Of course not! Go be a mom! Where do you pump? Do you want me to wait in the living room or?" She asked and I shrugged.
"I can pump wherever. I just need to grab the parts from the kitchen. I don't know if this would make you uncomfortable.. but I could pump whilst we do my makeup?" I suggested and Alex nodded, grabbing a black and blue bag. "I have a bra that works for pumping so I'm not just whipping out a boob at you" I chuckled, my boobs a little sore now.
"Whatever you want to do, I'm going to clean the brushes real quick" She grabbed a handful of brushes and a sponge, stepping aside so I could exit the bathroom.
When I got back, I sat down and started putting the parts together, having done this so many times I could do it in my sleep now.
"Um.. do you want me to put on a bra? Or cover?" I asked and she didn't pay attention to me, mumbling "Whatever you want" so I just unclipped my bra, connecting the pump, making sure the bottles were tight.
"How do you normally do your makeup?" Alex questioned aloud, drying her brushes.
"Um.. I'm not the best, my brother's actually better than me now" I snickered, "I'm not terrible, but I definitely am not good at like.. late night looks. I'm more of a shimmer and or natural glam type of girl. I haven't properly done my makeup since Before Gemma came. I've done some stuff for New Years and Christmas.. but it wasn't anything impressive. I like your makeup" I noted, looking at her eyeshadow and highlight.
I texted with Aaliyah whilst Alex started working on my face, letting my boobs empty the milk into bottles.
I loved how comfortable I felt with Alex.
It only felt weird for a moment to be openly pumping in front of her, but she didn't make a big deal about it as she moved around my face, putting who knows what on different areas of my skin.
It was nice.
Once we were done, I inspected her work in the mirror, feeling like a whole new woman.
Makeup was magical.
A/N: Makeup look, outfit above, black strappy heels, hair curled and down
"You're a miracle worker" I praised, turning my head a little to catch the highlight against the bathroom mirror.
"Please" She scoffed, cleaning her brushes again whilst I kept tilting my face in the mirror.
"You hid all the redness from my picking" I noted, not seeing an ounce of irritated skin.
"You keep complaining about your acne, it really isn't that bad. Yeah you have acne, but so what" She replied nonchalantly.
"Let me slip that bra back on, grab my shoes and bag, put these in the freezer, and I'm ready"
"You wanted to brush your teeth, we still need to do your lipstick. Do you have to pee?" She asked, glancing over at my water bottle.
"Oh shit. God, this is why I'm always late" I griped out of breath, quickly hurrying to the kitchen to go put the breastmilk in the freezer.
I always heard that when you forgot to do it, that it felt like the worst thing in the world to pour it down the sink.
Thankfully, that hasn't happened to me yet.
I quickly sharpied the date on it, tossing the bags into the freezer before going to find my shoes and toothbrush.
"Leigh, we're not in a rush. Honestly, the later the better. Slow down before you break an ankle" She warned and I rolled my eyes, shoving her out of the bathroom so I could pee and brush my teeth in peace.
By the time we were out the door, I was extremely out of breath.
"Are you going to make it?" She laughed, turning the key in her car.
"No" I breathed out, huffing like I just ran the hardest race of my life.
"I can see that" She giggled.
It was about a 30 minute drive to the club, so we listened to the radio and had some small conversation, but somehow we landed on the topic of Colby.
"I know this is dumb, but I'm really disappointed I didn't get to wear the outfit I planned to his party. It sucks to have missed it. He did so much for me on my birthday.. he literally.." I paused, memories flashing through my head. "He.. he flew out and hung out with my relatives.. he fit in so well. It's like he's always been there.. and it just felt so nice.. and here I am, tearing his heart into pieces right before his, and now I don't even know what he did" I frowned, leaning my head against my hand, my elbow resting on the window console.
"Colby's the guy you were sort of seeing before we met right?" Alex asked and I groaned.
"I wasn't even seeing him. It's messy. We think we like each other, but I'm not ready, and I'm worried that he's in it for the wrong reasons" I confessed.
"Honestly Leighton, it sounds like you could really use this night out. Let's go drink and party and forget about all of our problems. We both look hot as fuck, so let's go find someone to mess around with and have a good time. Forget about this Colby guy, he's a nobody now. Let's go do something we'll regret"
* * * *
What do we think of Alex?
Written on: July 8th, 9th, 10th 2022
Word Count: 3.6k
Part Eight
