Hey future me, what’s up.
You might not know, or rather more accurately, not remember what I did today and the past week. Actually, it’s more accurate to say that I did nothing today and the past week. Perhaps the only “real” thing I did was last Monday when I read and “studied” one page of that Parasitology summary. I mean I kinda remember some part of it. Like commensalism, Sarcomastigophora, cilia, pseudopods, flagella. Balantidium coli.
Hm. Retained a little more that I thought I would?
Indulge me a little. Let me blurt out some things I read/studied (I honestly don’t know–remember–what’s the difference between not knowing and remembering? Wilful ignorance?).
The medically…uh…brain fart. Important! No, significant.
The medically significant parasites belong to one phyla. I think it’s called a phyla. Anyways, the important part is that there are two groups: Platyhelminthes and A- something-helminthes, where the latter is where roundworms/nematodes belong. Under Platyhelminthes you have the Sarcomastigophora further subdivided into Sarcodina (where amoebas belong) and Mastigophora (where flagellates belong I think?), then Ciliaphora (?) and one last that I forgot. There’s also that part with symbiosis, commensalism, parasitism. There’s also that part with different host and reservoir types.
Right. I’m sure I can recall more. But that’s not quite the focus of this letter today.
It’s funny though, because I went through a mini roller coaster of thoughts writing that paragraph and came with it was a passenger of conflicting emotions, memories, and overall human things.
At first I was pleasantly surprised and actually happy that I retained some information. Then when I was given an opportunity to blurt out the things I retained, I did so and was disappointed that I only remembered that much and I crashed from my high. Then, in the background, before that elation turned bitter, that initial feeling of elation drove me to want to continue to study because “I can’t stop there, I wanna keep moving!” And at the same time the million unfinished lessons I’ve read, quotes I’ve pasted on my wall, rushed together with that tide and I also thought, “so that’s why they say with action comes motivation.”
All that in less than a minute, no less. No wonder words fail us.
Anyway. Now I’m left with the aftertaste of what was supposed to be a high. It’s not sour, not exactly. Simply hollow.
Great. Now I completely forget the whole point of why I started this letter. (Future me, did you ever find a way to lift our curse? It’s so limiting and I hate it a lot).
On our wall, we had two printouts that we cut from printer paper. On one of them, was written:
Reason 2: You are putting something off because you don’t feel like doing it. Solution: Make like Spock and ignore your feelings. They’re getting in your way…So if you are sitting there, putting something off because you don’t feel like it, remember that you don’t actually need to feel like it. There is nothing stopping you.
The actual message is longer than that, as you may know. I’ve attached a photo here in case our curse is acting up again.
What was the point of this letter again?
I stare at nothing trying to recall the point that was so important that started this whole letter thing. But of course, I forgot.
I feel terrible. A week has gone past and there is no excuse for my behavior. I know–and heck even you know I bet–there is no excuse for my behavior. If I could sleep at 3AM just scrolling through stupid fanfics, I can do the same for reading books.
I knew that Microbiology is a difficult subject, even more difficult to learn in less than three weeks. This already included Parasitology, plus Bacteriology, Mycology, and Virology, I already know how difficult it would be to study enough so that I can get that 64/100 for a fucking pass.
Not only do I have to memorize stupid bacteria names, but I also have to remember which media they can and/or cannot grow, what comprises these media, biochemical tests, on top of an already tsunami overload information of how these microorganisms cause disease, how to prevent said disease, complications, etc.
And I only studied one page. Of a summary.
I always feel terrible but never do anything about it.
What did I sacrifice? Did I even work at all? Was there any hardwork?
But at the same time, I can’t trust myself not to say that I did well. Until now, I can only moderately–moderately!—say I “worked hard” when I studied for 11.1 hours straight. Up until what point can I be satisfied and say the job is done?
I am more emotional than I thought. Me giving in to my desires and impulsive thoughts is my emotional brain overcoming my rational brain. I learned that emotions are not just anger or sadness, it is also impulsiveness.
Action really creates motivation. I’ll write more letters to you soon.
