My Midnight Thoughts

[oatmemal]

to those who are suicidal, reasons to stay alive.

if you’re looking for reasons to stay alive, reasons to get help, reasons to start the long, challenging but so worth it road of recovery, here it is.

if you kill yourself, you won’t be able to tell your story. you won’t be able to say, “look how god damn close i was to ending it all, but here i am now.”

if you kill yourself, you family, friends, pets, teachers, religious figures, school community, people you don’t even know directly will be affected and touched. they will be lost and devastated without you.

if you kill yourself, you’ll never find out if things got better, and how your life turned out. did you graduate college? get married, buy that house and have kids? did you get that dog breed you’ve always wanted? do you have grandchildren? what do their lives entail? although these things seem impossible, somewhat undesirable right now, hold on.

Who will be the next Kylie Jenner in a few years? What’s going to be the song of the year in year 2021? What shows are coming to broadway? What pop stars and celebrities haven’t gotten their big break yet?

If you kill yourself, you’ll never be able to get that tattoo. go to concerts, meet your favorite celebrity. travel the world. swim with dolphins, scuba dive, hang glide, skydive.. what ever your heart desires. you wont be able to do it.

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. if you’re reading this and you’re suicidal, hang on. Please, the world needs your light, your knowledge, your compassion, we need you alive. Things get better. they always do, although it might be challenging. recovery is possible.

Text ‘connect’ to 741741 for confidential support.

you are a warrior. you can do this.

[mymidnightthoughts]

You deserve to be loved without having to hide parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.

[mymidnightthoughts]

Be patient when things aren’t going right. Accept that is what is yours will come to yours in the right way at the right time.

July 24, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

But sometimes.

But sometimes, when you love someone, you stop noticing the way that they hurt you. You stop noticing the red flags. Or you ignore them. Whichever one works at the time.

You tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. You make excuses for their behavior. All in the name of love, you tell your mother, “He loves me, he loves me, he loves me.”

Last Friday night, he took your heart and threw it onto the motorway. The next morning, he told you he’d rip out his own to replace it. Then he kissed your neck and you were whole again. For the moment, for the moment, it was love.

So you forget about the bruises and tell him that you forgive him. Cover them up with sleeves and makeup and false promises. What about the psychological bruises? You don’t notice them until it’s too late.

Until one day, he’s gone and you’re in love again. And the new guy asks why you flinch at the silence or the movement of his hand. And you tell him that it has always meant anger and conflict.

And you’ll realize that although he might be gone but his bruises linger on. 

[mymidnightthoughts]

It’s Okay

Whatever is going on - it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re confused, if you’re hurt, if you don’t even know who you are and what you’re doing. It’s okay to be lost and it’s okay to be hurt. Because when you look back, it’s not the moments that you felt lost and unsure that you’ll remember. It’ll be those moments after - like how you found something that you have fallen in love with and you’ve made it your life’s work. It’ll be what those dark moments lead you to - happiness. So don’t be afraid. Your moment is right there, it’s so close. You just have to believe in it. 

June 27, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

The right people

The right people find you when you need them to find you, so I wouldn’t worry too much about being alone and I wouldn’t worry too much about being with someone either. Because right now, you’re where you have to be, regardless of how you feel, regardless of what you want right now. Your life is preparing for something better, someone worth it, and I know you complain about it. I know you think there’s no one out there for you but you’re wrong, goddamn it, there is. And perhaps, that person is probably feeling the same way as you. Perhaps, they’re waiting for that perfect moment to bump into someone, the same way you are, and that’s how it happens. As if it’s some miracle, some chance encounter, some rare luck that only happens once in a lifetime, but it’s not. It’s just you, meeting the love of your life for the first time, the way it was written in the stars. Like I said, the right people find you at the right time. All you have to do wait, love makes no mistakes and people could either be a blessing or a lesson, you decide. 

June 27,2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

A happy reminder to be content with yourself. To give yourself the freedom to be who you genuinely are and find abundance with the life you were graciously given. There are so many good things in your life, even if you don’t notice them always, they exist, and they are there are to make magic with the talents, gifts and strengths that you were born with. Simply learn to seek the joy you already have within yourself, and your perspective of being will get better. 

[mymidnightthoughts]

A year later.

A year later I learned the truth about your anger. How you never expected me to be strong enough to leave you. How you told your friends about it and they too wanted to believe in the idea that I was to be kept. That I could be, at the least. You used to think of me as the closest to heaven that you’d ever be. You painted me soft shades of yellow with light cascading like waterfalls from the roots of my hair to the ground beneath my feet and I deserved it. I was good to you above all things - through the terror and the way in which your love was far from kind sometimes. My skin never looked thicker when it healed and still I forgave you for it. I started replacing the word abuse with love in my sentences and you were proud of me for it. When my fingertips felt inclined to point somewhere you used your hands as a compass and they always led back to myself. Through the terror that came from loving you, I still did it well enough for you to never forget about it. And you never expected me to be strong enough to leave you. In my attempt to be the soft, fragile, full of light person you learned to tear apart - I settled for your excuses. You are angry. You had a bad day. In my attempt to be the same human you cautiously placed your belief in - I never did leave. I never could leave. Physically, I removed myself from your doorframe, wiped my fingerprints off of your doorknob, hushed my voice from apologizing for crimes I did not commit. Emotionally, I am stuck in a revolving door. The nightmares haven’t stopped. A year later I will come to learn the difference between abuse and love is a blurred line sometimes. A year later, I will reflect and think to myself about all the ways in which I loved you far and beyond what you deserved. A year later the ghost of the person who broke down my walls in all the wrong ways will fall asleep besides me as a reminder of the uphill battles I’ve fought in this life. I loved you more than you deserved. Fuck, I should have loved myself instead.

[mymidnightthoughts]

My love.

Stop rushing, my love. Stop stressing about the future and worrying about the past. Stop wasting your precious seconds on this earth by making everything about things you cannot change and things you’re not able to control. Just let it go. Just stop. Take some deep breaths and listen to your heartbeat. Be present, be mindful, be right here, right now. Because the now is all you have. There is no need to obsess over your past or your future - the only thing that happens is that you miss the now. So let go of “what if’s”, “could have’s”, and “should have’s”, and accept everything for what is. Sometimes you really need to remind yourself that you only get this one life. This one chance to live your life to the fullest. Do not waste it, my love. Inhale. Exhale. And make the most of every second. 

May 24, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

To You

I hope you fall in love with being alive. I hope you pick flowers and read books and understand that life is so much more than a snapchat from a person you won’t remember in accouple of years. I hope you feel pursued. I hope you have the best of friends, and I even hope you get in trouble together. I hope you make fun memories and take too many pictures and scream at the top of your lungs on roller coasters. I hope you swim in the depths of the oceans, and feel the dirt underneath your fingernails when you climb mountains. I hope you know the joys of genuine laughter, and I hope you know the difference between wisdom and test scores. I hope you understand that you can be anything you want to be, but you have to work hard to get it. I hope you do more than sit around and complain about things that could change - because I hope you are the change. I hope you journal and write everything down. I hope you learn how to skate, and eat your fruits and vegies. I hope you treat your body well and respect your reputation. But I also hope you have fun. In fact, I hope you have unapologetic fun.

Because my love,

I hope you fall in love with being alive .

May 25, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

Connect

Please, just let love in. Tell people how you feel and do not worry about being too much. Be too much. Care too much. Let people show up for you. Let people remind you that there is goodness in this world. Be vulnerable, do not be afraid of what you feel. Try to find the beauty in each breakdown, try to move forward and let go; try to learn and believe in new beginnings despite what you have been through. Kiss the faces of your friends, hug their broken pieces back together, laugh loudly and hope loudly and love loudly and be gentle with yourself, be gentle with your healing. Connect, connect, connect - with every ounce of who you are, with every inch of your patchwork heart. Connect with the people who make you feel deeply. Connect with the moments that bring tears to your eyes. Connect with the things that make your hands shake, embrace the things that make you aware of just how lucky you are to be alive. Please just connect - because beautiful things are vanishing each and every day. Do not let your heart be one of them.

- Bianca Sparacino

[mymidnightthoughts]

But at some point, you have to stop being so angry, you have to stop being so sad, you have to stop killing yourself and start being gentle with yourself. At some point you have to just let it all go and be happy. You have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. You have to love yourself and everyone around you before it’s too late. Don’t waste being unhappy over trivial things dear. Don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself and don’t let other people do it to you.

April 12, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

I’m not an easy person.

I’m not an easy person to be with. I know that. I probably won’t even try to make it easy for you. I’ll be really difficult at times. It may seem like, at times, I don’t want you, and I don’t like you, but I do. I’ll be a challenge, because I’m not the type of person who people walk all over. I’m not the type of person who puts up with bullshit. I’m not the person who will give you empathy comments. When I say something, I mean it. If people are assholes to me, I’ll throw them out of my life. I’m annoying. I’m hilarious and I’m the world’s biggest jerk. I’ll make you want to scream and punch walls; I’ll ruin your day and save it at the very last minute. I’ll drive you crazy and, sometimes you’ll hate my guts. But even though all that’s going to happen, and I swear to god it will, I have an amazing side to me. I do. I have a giant heart. I’ll always be there when you need me. Even if my life is impossibly knotted, I’ll try and untangle yours by listening and loving. I won’t stop caring about you, not even if you push me away. You’re different from everyone else, and I like that. It’s refreshing to find someone different in the world because too many people are the all the same. 

April 12, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

Letter to myself.

Dear me,

I am sorry.

I’m sorry that you tried so desperately to fix others, when your own hands were shaking. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else while your own were bleeding. I’m sorry that there were days when smiling hurt but you forced yourself to laugh so that no one had to worry about you. I’m sorry that you gave all of your time and effort to people that didn’t give the same amount back. I’m sorry that there were nights when you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why. And I am sorry that I did not love you, like you deserved to be loved.

April 12, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

Allow Yourself pt. 2

Allow yourself to grow. When you plant seeds in the garden, you don’t dig them up every day to see if they have sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds; you know that the seeds will grow in time. Similarly, just do your daily practice and cultivate a kind heart. Abandon impatience and instead be content creating the causes for goodness; the results will come when they’re ready.

March 23, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

I’m not sure.

I’m not sure. I’m not sure how life happens and how we change and lose people who were supposed to stay, and stay when we want to leave, and smile when we want to cry and yet . . . yet there is always hope everything leads to something; so we keep on going even if nothing’s okay, even if we are not okay because the truth s we know so little and want to experience so much. So I’m not sure what everything’s about but maybe I don’t have to be. Maybe we just need to keep on going and we may just find out someday.

March 22, 2021

[mymidnightthoughts]

You’re Allowed

You’re allowed to make yourself a priority. You’re allowed to take care of your needs before anyone else’s. You’re allowed to chase after your dreams. You’re allowed to devote yourself to what matters to you; whether it’s a career, a hobby, or a passion. You’re allowed to move cities or countries to do what you love.

You’re allowed to get lost. You’re allowed to look after your emotions. You’re allowed to tell people how you really feel even if it might hurt them. You’re allowed to speak about what’s actually bothering you. And you’re allowed to talk about the things that matter to you, you’re allowed to tell people what they really mean to you.

You’re allowed to be vulnerable. You’re allowed to be authentic. You’re allowed to be real. You’re allowed to choose the people you want in your life. You’re allowed to leave toxic friendships. You’re allowed to move on from a connection you don’t see going anywhere. You’re allowed to not give a chance to someone who took you for granted, someone who isn’t what you know you deserve. You’re allowed to leave a relationship because it’s not what you want, because you’re no longer in love.

You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to be who you are, who you want to be, who you can be. You’re allowed to have the life you’ve always wanted, the one you think about all day and dream of at night. You’re allowed to be all the things you are. You’re allowed to be at the places that make you content. You’re allowed to do all the things that make you, you. And you’re allowed to put yourself first.

Never forget that. 

March 22, 2021