I didn't find myself, simply let go of what I wasn't
I put a lot of thought into my "coming out" story because I was truly amazed about how many people stayed close to me after I announced I was gay. It was really a shocker for most people, because for years I lived this life that did not make me happy - had a boyfriend who eventually turned into 'husband', dated guys, the lot. One thing that really bugged my partners was that I was so "tom-boyish", with a f*ck you attitude, and stuck with my moral that I did not need a man to take care of me (haha we obviously know why now) and a few other things. Yes, I did check out other women, Brody Dalle (The Distillers) & Kat Von D were all over my binder and wallpaper because they were such hotties, and I helped my best friend with her girlfriend problems or helped her pick out hot chicks. (it still shocked the hell out of her when I came out to her - even all the signs were there, yes I did flirt with her, just low key). I did come out to a few close people as "bi" but it wasn't really questioned due to my relationship status in high school.
After graduation, I moved back to my home town, started two new jobs and was going to college. My best friend had moved out of state to live with her GF and we only talked every few months, a few text or quick phone calls at a time. This did hurt me, because we were so close, but even though we didn't talk all the time, we could still pick up a conversation without missing a beat. I did open up a little to her about my attractions to other chicks, either the ones I worked with or had a class with at the college. She encouraged me to just go for it, but never did. I just decided they were nothing more than crushes (and one I was really good friends with at the time).
I started realizing more and more of who I really was; who I am became all the more apparent when my marriage ended because we came to the mutuality of the fact that he and I were living more like we were friends rather than anything else. Then my best friend told me she was moving back California! Yay! I hadn't seen her in close to 3 year. Plan were made, we had a lot of catching up to do. Let's skip ahead now...
So Cathy (the best friend) and were texting one night, and a few things were said, she had thought she had crossed the line. But it didn't. We decided to hang out, see where things would go and go from there. We had made a promise to not let anything interfere with our friendship of 10+ years and vowed that if either one of us started to have “feelings” they needed to say so. Now we laugh at that because Cathy ended up saying she had feelings by the next night, then I said so too. So here I am, dating my best friend of forever. The hard part was telling my close family and friends.
That actually went a lot smoother than I thought. Due to living almost two and a half hours away from all my family now, I did have to reach out to them via text and social media. My sister wasn’t surprised at all, “you guys have always been way too close anyways, it was only a matter of time before you both admitted you’re meant to be” was all she had to say to either of us. My mom and her best friend (my other mom) have been so supportive of me too. Here I was making a big deal out of nothing! I am still loved and supported by the ones who mean the most to me. To top it off, I am loved and supported by the person who means the most to me, my best friend and girlfriend. She does truly mean the world to me.
For those of you who haven’t come out yet, what ever the reason may be for not doing so, always remember one thing; only YOU can make you happy, embrace who you are and be happy doing so. There is always going to be someone who loves and supports you, no matter what. Personally, coming out was probably the best thing I have done, I have never been more happy with the person I am than I am right now in life. There is a whole community of people going through the same thing, who are similar to how you are, who offer such a great safety net of love and support.
Be who you are and embrace it, lovies!