#lezz bean

[the-debris-of-life]

And for once in your life, I hope you realize how truly beautiful you are. Even if it's just appreciating a drunk girl's compliment at a party. Even if it's the shy guy in class telling you he likes your shirt. You're beautiful. And not just to me.

Words from your girlfriend

[lezz-beann]

This is a self reminder to do my to do list, fix my damn issues and get over myself.

[lezz-beann]

I’ve found that I still relate myself to movie characters. I get attached to them because I see them through start to finish. You see who they are. What their inner struggles are. You see something change and they slowly turn into this better version of them self. It’s beautiful really. I attach myself to these characters and then I find characters that make me think of you. Most the time the ones that make me think of you are the ones that help my character along. Help them evolve. You’re the Chloe to my Beca. The Betty to my Jughead. The Amanda to my Dawson. You make me better. You believe in me like no one else does. Even when people tell you you’re a fool. I love you for that. It’s a whole different kind of love then I’ve ever experienced and I’m so happy it’s with you.

You make me better

[lezz-beann]

Today you watched as I made myself lunch. It’s a simple action that I do without really think. Soup, chips and cheese. But you watched me like a movie. I was confused until you said, “sometimes I just want to watch you. To see who you are in your own home.” A few hours later I got to thinking about it. I want you to study me. I want you to be the one who knows how I tie my shoes, wash my face or brush my teeth. I want you to be the one who can predict my little habits. Like how I tap my pen when I’m contemplating the next sentence in the story I’m writing. How I move my foot back and forth between the brake and gas pedal when driving through town. I want you to notice the little things like how I look at the ceiling twice when entering a room for the first time. How I look at your lips when you talk or I try to memorize your face for the lonely nights ahead. I want you to realize I steal your sweatshirts because when we have to be apart and I’m alone or upset… it helps me feel close to you. Sometimes I put them in my pillow case so I can close my eyes and the smell of you makes it easier to pretend I’m not alone. I want you to know every little thing because I want you to know me. All of me. All the stupid, weird and silly things that make me who I am. I want that because I want to know all of you too.

I want you to know me.

[lezz-beann]

I realized today that even if we prove everyone wrong, if we spend the rest of our lives together. I'd never be bored with you. Not in ten years, not in twenty, not even when we are ninety years old. You make me happy, you make my heart skip a beat everytime I see you. Your smile makes the world so much brighter. I want to be your adventure partner. Your travel buddy. Your spider squisher. (Even though it's obvious I'm more terrified of them than you are.) I want to be your best friend and your safe place. I want to be all that for you because you're that and so much more to me.

I’d never get bored of you

[lezz-beann]

Don't listen to what they say because those are the same people telling you to chug a bottle and not stopping to ask why you're so empty. Those are the people who prop you up and say you'll be fine with last night's makeup streaked down your face. The same people who promise that the taste of a cigarette will make you forget. The same people who chalk out a line and tell you that your nose will only burn for a minute. Those are the people who would stick a needle in your arm and then asked where it all went wrong for you.

Don't listen

[lezz-beann]

It's embarrassing you know? To want you. Not like the fact that I want you is embarrassing. But the amount that I want you. I'd always sworn to myself that I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't play it out like this if you came around. You've got me in the palm of your hand. And although that's really not too frightening for me. The fact that it doesn't frighten me is what's got me all twisted up. It's like an old 80's song. "I want you to want me." But it's never that simple is it? I'm over here, like a 15 year old kid. Drawing you pictures and writing you letters. And the best damn lyrics I can come up with are, "I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm begging you to beg me." But that's too simple.

I want you to want me

[lezz-beann]

I can't tell you the moment that it happened. I mean I could try but a few little moments come to mind and I feel like they all add up. But at some point something changed. I'll stand in front of someone and look them in the eyes. With a firm voice I'll lie and say I'm fine. But with you, I can't. I can't make that eye contact, I can't stand on solid ground. Maybe that's what love is. Knowing that someone sees right through the lies, the walls and they may not have a key to the padlocked gate but they find a way to pick the lock. I don't want to be like that when I'm around you. I want to be able to look at you and say I need help. Or ask if you will just sit with me even if I can't talk. I want to be able to fall apart in your arms and not feel ashamed. I'm working on that. I'm sorry it's taking so long... just don't leave. Please be patient with me. Because no one else has been. And I don't know how to handle the compassion you show me.

Please be patient