#librarydate

[librarydate]

a book I was excited to get to this year but never got the chance

[dionyrtal]

FEBRUARY 29, 2020. I took myself to a library date to work on my short paper, feel the touch of Shakespeare, pay a tribute to Marlowe and study french in my favourite corner. The smell of ancient souls and the sound of birds keep me company.

[dionyrtal]

another library date with myself on the first day of march, feeling the seeds of spring.

[siriusordogstar]

10, 20 , and 50 for the end of the year meme (also sorry if you got the notification of me following you again, I hit it when I was trying to get to the ask button 😭😭)

Thank you so much for the asks, Kawal! And don't worry about it, it's all good. Loved to see that our blogs are theme twins <3

10. What song sums up this year for you?

Volta, O Terno

20. Did you develop a new obsession?

My time was 90% consumed by documentaries this year, but as much as I like them a lot, it was kind of mandatory lmao so I'm not sure if it counts, but I also didn't have much time left for other things. I'll say Diary (David Perlov) then - I even made a post about it - because I did get obsessed over it (and it wasn't a mandatory watch). I kept dreaming about the film for weeks.

50. What do you wish for yourself?

I wish for better things. I wish for a job and a home and love and good food and good movies and good songs and good health. I can't wait to feel better. 2021 can f*ck itself.

[ninthofoctoberism]

syahid, :)

where do I begin...

right. 09 October 2013. ^^

that night where I first talked to you. ^^ oh great memories. heheh. 

jokes aside. 

Everything here is all my honest views. I'll have to warn you that I'm brutally honest and I really want to let you know the truth. 

Eventually one day, like any other day, I'll come back to you with a long apology letter trying to get you back into my life. After loads of drama, and unnecessary chaotic hates, I guess this is what's best for me. From my point of view, I don't know about you. 

You can stop reading here though if you can't give a *bleep* anymore about me. It's fine. I'll just summarize it for you, I'm sorry and thank you. :) 

But... if you're still nice enough, then great though, I'd like to thank you for continuing. ^^

okay. so. it's almost a year that we get to know each other. I must admit. really. I must admit that we've been through a whole loads *bleep* kind of situations. A whole lot. From slapping, to a photo, to now, me being ignored. It's really sad that I only get to talk to you for a while and BOOM we're done with again. 

Honestly, I'm extremely jealous of those people who are close with you, they get your attention more than I do. That's just the way I feel. Obviously I was nothing to you for these few months I guess...? I failed being a sister, failed being a best friend, failed becoming a friend and another failure in your life. Perhaps I don't know...? We're sworn not to be friends or nah. Hahah! Allah swt knows best right? 

I'll be truthful okay? I loved you so much. I get so emotional because of you. That's just the past, I ain't doing that anymore. I moved on from loving you. Those feelings sometimes comes back but yeah, I deserve better and I don't wanna ruin anything that's already happening. 

Being around you makes me feel better in some ways, It's not explainable. Hahah. The joy that I get by your text, it's like a blessing. Countless days I prayed that we wouldn't quarrel but it's unavoidable. One way or another, we'd just well, fight over small things. 

Till now... I was disappointed, devastated and broken. I try my best not to be bothered by all the negativity that's already surrounding me, or else I'll return where  I'm suicidal. That's the worse I've been through. Being depressed is already a part of me that's not gonna go away. It lived with me while growing up.

I know I could be mean, rude, selfish, attention seeking, boring and just plain nothing. I know it kills you trying to talk to me when all I can do is be self centered and not think about how you feel. I'm not gonna lie, when I get angry I say things that's hidden of what I honestly feel, my words will be really cold and I hurt others with my truthfulness.   

I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult you for being a single child, I get what it feels like being lonely without proper attention. Even though I grew up with 3 younger siblings, I do get lonely on my own. I take back my words of being insensitive towards your feelings. 

I'm not going to blame you either for bringing that slap back. I know you'll never going to forgive me for that. Never. I thought that you'd sincerely accept my apology but of course, words mean nothing right? I really thought it was a joke, since you didn't react much into it. Never did I know that you'd hate me for this. This time I really, swear and vow, cross my heart and in the name of Allah, I'm truly sorry. 

Thank you for making me into a better Muslimah, I lost my way while sinning a lot in this world, there you are reminding me every single time. I adore your humbleness and loyalty. Seeing you just makes me smile. Sigh. I seriously owe you so much in my life. Thank you my brother. 

I promised that I'll never leave you and I'd be here for you. But like I've said, I failed doing all that to you. I'm sorry if you couldn't trust me enough but I tried, and I know you don't want others get worried and well, you just want others to be happy while you're putting up a fake smile while you're torn and broken inside. Personally I do that as well, but sometimes, letting it all out to someone you could trust is the best. I'm never going to break my promises, so. I'm still here if you need me. :)

I don't know why, I can't seem to hate you. I keep coming back for more and you never fail to surprise and make me smile every time when I get upset. It's just sad that I came to know that actually you hated me, but you don't want to hurt me. It's fine actually, I rather you be honest and tell me you hate me instead of faking it, which eventually makes me even disappointed and upset. 

I don't want to bring up about your best friend. It's just gonna hurt me more than I am now. After all the reflections, thinking and mind games that bother me so much into this problem... I gave up and here I am now. 

You reminded me a lot of my late grand-dad. He died a day before your birthday. I chose to treasure you so much because I truly loved you like I loved him. He puts a smile on my face and listened to everything I complained, rants, unhappiness and every little secret within me. You did exactly like him, being happy and all while covering up your hurt inside. I don't want to lose another person in my life that bring out the joy of me. 

You deserve the best and I promise you I'll never take you for granted ever again. Wish you all the best Syahid. Take care and be safe. I'll pray for your happiness and health. Insyallah, I'm just hoping that we'll be friends again in the future. 

For the last time. 

I'm sorry and thank you Syahid. <3