relentless longing for the gothic and grotesque

xxvii. known as dion anja. sometimes conjures stories. she/her. author of MOTION SICKNESS (2022) + VERTIGO PEAKS (2024).

[dionyrtal]

new substack entry: the home is a house is a haunting is a motion. thinking about what home is and why it necessitates flight.

read here

[dionyrtal]

I OWN HITCHCOCK'S REBECCA AS DVD NOW!!!!! YIPPIEEEEEE

[havingapoemwithyou]

from let July be July by Morgan Harper Nichols

[dionyrtal]

absolutely terrified of the reverse culture shock awaiting me back home, but so excited to see my cat again

[dionyrtal]

culture shock, i.e., comments about my body, comments about my job, comments about why i'm still single, comments about when i'm getting married and having kids

fucking hell

[mangomonet]

daisy edgar-jones shot by szilveszter mako

[ivyanlyn]

[dame-de-pique]

Arnold Heim - Mole Caves, Tasmania, 1921

[cyberxbattalion]

credit

[frrenzetic]

[dionyrtal]

got myself a kobo clara bw as birthday present 🎁

[beautiful-shapes]

Kyoko Ina and Stefania Berton

Capodanno On Ice 2012

[dionyrtal]

turning 27 today <3

[dionyrtal]

absolutely terrified of the reverse culture shock awaiting me back home, but so excited to see my cat again

[xanaxfarts]

[dionyrtal]

it's almost phd admission decision season which means that i have to Overthink every life decision and see myself as the Worst Applicant to Ever Exist

[dionyrtal]

first rejection email..... I Will Wither Away

[dionyrtal]

five rejections... everyday i live in agony

[dionyrtal]

on the other hand, i can apply again and again and again until i'm sick of it. which means that i will never lose

[dionyrtal]

re: phd applications

i think i'm also trying to cope with the loss of an expected/imagined self who still has her own place, independent, reading and writing what she loves and a self who thought herself to be more competitive. it's a strange feeling to feel this untethered from what i know about myself honestly as i also need to think about packing all my life again in 3 suitcases and moving back in with my parents.

i thought i got better at not attaching my worth to an arbitrary scale of success but i guess not and it will really be a huge step back. i'll figure it out eventually but i really hate this feeling of suspension. and i just feel tired trying to articulate how I feel to people without tearing up or thinking about how colossal this loss will feel in a couple months.

[dionyrtal]

final rejection landed in my inbox yesterday. I AM FREE!!!!! i can finally make plans with friends from home again!!!!!

[dionyrtal]

i had to break the Unfortunate News to my professors who kindly took time to answer my questions about the application process and wrote me recommendation letters. i was so anxious to talk about my rejection again and to write to people i look up to as scholars, mentors, and people.

i think that's why i sent the emails (which were more vulnerable than i expected to ever write) after the summer break started, so they would be slower to respond (if they'd respond at all) and i wouldn't have to think about what they would think of me.

one of my professors replied so quickly and she was so kind and supportive of my decision to apply again, even saying that i would be a great phd student! 🥺 i haven't answered her email yet but it's so comforting to know there's someone in your corner who believes in your abilities.

so suddenly i'm back in the loop again, looking at programs, going over my statements, revising papers. i don't know if the result will be any different this time, but i want to give it one more shot before i put that dream on shelf for a while.

BUT THE SAGA CONTINUES AND THE REST REMAINS TO BE SEEN

[dionyrtal]

back at it again aka looking at programs where i can focus on trauma studies (and maybe combine it with digital humanities??). and this is still hard and confusing lol

but if you're also in the trenches: I SEE YOU!!

[dailyflicks]

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975) dir. Peter Weir

[themakeupbrush]

Christian Dior Spring 2024 Haute Couture