My mother in law has been here for a week and a half. She showed up nearly a week before Z was even born. She's been in the kitchen nearly nonstop cooking, though it's nothing to saved for later rather day to day meals. While we were in the hospital she cleaned the whole house. Felt a little violated when I learned she did my laundry but thanks I guess. She took care of the dogs when we couldn't. Although she feeds them from the table and off of a fork which irritates me to no end.
When we agreed to have her come, this is not what I expected.
I pictured support in all forms. But so far it has been strictly sustainment based. She says we're doing so great she didn't even need to come. I don't know how to interpret that.
My mom was able to stay with us for the weekend, a turn of events I didn't see coming and I'm so happy it did. In that very short window of her being here I felt so happy, confident and relaxed. We couldn't do anything but sit on the couch and talk and watch Animal Planet but it was perfect. And then she had to leave. And my MIL stayed. Stayed and gave Z a pacifier even though I didnt want her to have one so soon. Stayed and questioned my choice to pump and let my baby sleep instead of waking her up. Stayed and put on headphones and started cooking dinner.
I felt more with my mom in less than 48 hours than I have this whole time with my MIL. I'm not saying she's terrible or it was a bad decision to let her come or anything like that. Maybe this is how she shows her support, maybe this is what she thinks we needed. Maybe it is what David needed. But not me. I need to feel less alone, I need to feel confident in my choices, I need to be left in silence but not left alone, I need to be reassured that I'm doing things right.
And now because we live on a military base, my mom can't come back. No one can come. I don't know when my grandma will meet Z. The Garrison has prohibited visitors from coming on post. It's a 2 hour drive one way to my families homes. That's a long time in a car with postpartum discomfort and a newborn. I'm struggling with this fact and there isn't anything I can do about it but either suck it up and go to them or suck it up and wait til they can come. Either way is really hard.