May 9
sometimes you just start crying because you realize you'll be long dead before the science you have always wondered about will be figured out
#funfact: when i was a little kid i was so worried about the fact my time is hysterically limited#which meant that i wouldnt be able to learn and know everything there is to know about all of erverything#and because of that my mom had to pull the 'oh uh when you die you have all the time in the universe and you then get to know everything'#and then a few years later i watched that one doctor who episode where that one girl keeps journals upon journals about everything-#-she wants to remember because the human brain physically cannot remember everything (and memories are distorted bc brain is faulty)#which created the new issue to child me: even if i had all the time in the universe i still could never know everything.#like it is physically impossible to hold that much memory#so then i was scared of not only limited time but the limited physical space in my brain to learn it all#to which my mom reasoned 'uhhh when you die you dont forget anything!'#to then i which internally panicked because i was now in the 5th grade (so 10 ish) and i learned matter cannot be created nor destroyed#and our brain is just matter#so she was saying when i die matter can be created but not destroyed. and that broke a Science Rule that i was Very Sure About#then i freaked out a little bit becuase hey wait a minute if matter cannot be created then where did all of this come from?#'the big bang' my science teacher told me. i asked what came before that and he just shrugged 'no one knows'#and i have been since obsessed with the idea that if something cant come from nothing; then how is there anything#and then i wondered when life began and how life keeps living#so i then asked by 7th grade living enviroment teacher this and she said 'we're not really sure but life is precious and rare'#and i said 'why do we think we're special. if earth is alive then there has to be life somewhere else.'#we got into some vague argument where i said earth isn't special because life can be anywhere. even if microsopic#that its prolly just some big scientific equation with lots of steps i didn't understand#she eventually caved and told me there are theories as to how life began and hydrothermal vents stuck out the most to me#then then!! in 9th or 10th grade i found about the movile cave#and became obsessed with the idea 'hey if life maybe came from hydrothermal vents and on earth we are seeing life thriving#in anoxic conditions then surely that is evidence that life isnt as special as we thought it was#and that means we dont actually /know/ what life requires to live. surely there has to be life else where??'#i argued... a lot with one of my science teachers in high school (and also my mom lmaoo) about all of this#then stayed after school to talk to other science teachers about all of everything quite frequently#the things i would do to have a conversatiopn with my highschool science teachers about Enceladus#(2023 scientist detected phosphorus in the ice crystals from the plumes)#(which is a huge deal btw)
