Week Sixteen - Don’t Forget to Flush
It was Wednesday lunchtime and I was standing in the supermarket queue with two large bottles of pressed apple juice and two bags of organic apples. Now I like apples, they are delicious. I'll take anything from a pink lady right up to a cooking apple - not joking, I have a serious taste for sour foods... Remember those sweets that came in mini wheely bins with a skull and cross bones emblazoned upon it? Well I'd eat that shit for breakfast (not literally obviously, my parents would never have allowed it).
Anyway, back to apples. I like them. But I don't love them enough to buy quite so many. Which brings me to this weeks challenge. The liver flush.
Basic overview: take up a healthy diet and add as many apples to it as you can stomach for 3-5 days. Organic apples and pressed apple juice if you can, get it down you. This opens up some tubes from your liver and gall bladder so you can pass the stones more easily apparently (more on that later). In short, this prepares you for the flush.
The next part is best to do on days when you aren't working. When you read what it is you'll need no explanation.
First day of the flush: Eat a healthy breakfast and lunch. Stop eating at 2pm. Fast for the rest of the day (sob). At 6pm, down a glass of Epsom salts dissolved in water. At 8pm, do it again. At 9:30pm you may prepare your final drink of the evening. Simply juice a whole grapefruit and shake it up with half a cup of olive oil until it emulsifies. Get ready for bed. At 10pm, take the concoction upstairs, stand by your bed, down it (lads lads lads), get straight into bed, lie flat, try not to vom, go to sleep. Don't pass go, don't collect £200.
The next morning, wake up, drink some more Epsom salts. Two hours later you may have some more (you lucky lucky thing). Once you’ve endured that lot, you can start eating as normal (just as soon as you alight from the toilet presumably).
Anyway, now you have an explanation for my excessive apple purchasing. And also an explanation for the jumbo tub of Epsom salts and single grapefruit transaction I completed the following weekend. It's times like those when I'm eternally grateful for self service checkouts. I used to work at Sainsbury's at the weekend whilst I was in sixth form, and I can confirm that self checkout saves embarrassment for staff just as must as the customers. One man in particular springs to mind.
It was valentines day, and of course I had nothing better to do than work. He was in his late thirties/early forties (at least I think he was. I am terrible at age estimations, so he could have well been pushing 60 for all we know). He was a little smarmy looking, his cheap aftershave proceeded him by several steps and his hair was slicked back like Danny Zucko (he tragically had the pleather jacket to match). But he came bearing roses, chocolates and wine and, as one of those incessantly chatty checkout girls (I'd coax a conversation out of you whether you liked it or not), I asked him nicely if he had a special date for the evening. He grinned ear to ear and said he did and that he was going to her place for dinner. What a sweetheart.
I scanned through the Guylians, assuring him he'd made an excellent choice, and then the bottle of wine, all the while chatting happily about his lovely lady. And as I was telling him how lovely the roses were, I uncovered a jumbo pack of Durex. He looked totally unfazed as I blushed a similar shade to the petals and hurriedly scanned them through and flung them into the bag as if they were contaminated. Totally mortified, I then became grossed out and a little indignant on his date's behalf (he obviously fancied his chances). Then again, who was I to judge? After all, he was a modern man and at least he was practising safe sex. And nothing says I love you like extra ribbed latex.
The next three days were easy. A healthy balanced diet coupled with a metric fuck ton of apples. I chugged on pressed apple juice cartons and peed so much that I’m pretty sure everyone in the office thought I nada urine infection. Apple juice is surprisingly filling when drunk by the litre, and each afternoon I was buzzing my face off on natural sugars, which was good because I didn’t have to leave the office to go on a 4 o’clock chocolate raid.
But it wasn’t all plain sailing. What little pleasure there was to be had in overindulging on apples, was swiftly eradicated by the following two days.
On Saturday morning, I ate breakfast and squeezed in a quick lunch before 2 o’ clock. I then headed home to hang out with my family, who promptly offered me an array of snacks and drinks. It’s funny, no matter how old you get, your parents still want to nurture you, and since cradling you in their arms is a bit weird when you’re in your twenties, they turn to food and hot beverages. I could easily go round there for 30 minutes and drink four cups of tea without having to lift a finger (in regards to the making, not the actual drinking. My parents stopped bottle feeding me a good few years back).
After a torturous few hours, it was time to start the epsom salt ritual. My Dad used to make us drink epsom salts if we had an upset stomach as children, I can’t say I have happy memories of it. Then again, I’m almost certain it contributed to my jagerbomb downing abilities in later life, so I do have to thank him for that important social skill. It at least got me used to people shouting “down in one! Don’t stop. There’s still a bit left... DRINK IT!” from the age of eight.
With suppressed memories, I downed a glass of the stuff at 6pm, and another at 8pm. I then ‘prepped’ the olive oil and grapefruit concoction. I got out a jug and starting measuring a half cup of oil. It didn’t look too bad when I looked at the liney bits on the side, but as I kept pouring and pouring I realised it was a substantial amount (and I also felt guilty for drinking away Jo and Paul’s olive oil supplies. It ain’t cheap). I then squeezed the grapefruit, which produced a lot more juice than I hoped it would. I poured both into a pint glass and it filled about three quarters of it. I then began stirring aggressively with a spoon, before realising that it needed to ‘emulsify’. I chucked it into the Nutribullet (paid £100 for it, so may as well make use of it some time) and began blending it together. The final result was a bitter, oily, milky looking, bile coloured liquid. I wrinkled up my nose and put it in the fridge for later.
When 10 o’clock came around, I got myself ready and stood by my bed, olive oil and grapefruit mixture in hand. I began to slowly chug down the drink. It tasted sour, greasy and acidic all at the same time, and I immediately wanted it to end. But like the epsom salts, or ripping off a plaster, I knew the quicker I did it the less painful it would be.
Once I’d choked it all down, I immediately got into bed and laid perfectly flat. I tried to concentrate on not throwing up as my stomach did double backflips, and after an hour or so I miraculously managed to fall asleep.
I woke up at 6am the next day and headed straight downstairs to drink my penultimate glass of salts. The Liver Flush guide I’d read online had mercifully given me permission to go back to bed for another two hours, and I ignored my stomach’s bubbling to successfully drift back off to sleep. I woke up an hour later with an overwhelming desire to go to the toilet. It had begun. After a looser than usual morning poo (let’s leave it there shall we), I waited until it was time for the final instalment. Once I’d seen the last epsom salt drink away (LAD), I braced myself for everything I’d read about.
With the flush, you are supposed to rid your system of all the nasty toxic stones that build up over the years. Gall bladder and liver stones are typically bright green and can be quite large. In a weird sadistic way, I was looking forward to seeing it all come out my body. So I waited... And waited... And waited. And literally nothing happened. So a short while later, I decided to head to the shops with Jo.
We arrived at St. Albans to find that we were so early the shops hadn’t opened yet. I thought this would never ever happen to me, and took it as a sign that I’m getting old. We headed to Pret, where I eased myself in to eating like a normal human being again with a green smoothie.
After successfully killing the required amount of time, we headed to Marks & Spencers. A few steps into the shop I began to feel a bit strange. And then it all happened really fast. I needed the toilet so suddenly and so urgently that I thought I might just soil myself on the shop floor. Thank the lord for the M&S cafe and adjacent toilet facilities. I informed Jo where I was going with panic-stricken wide eyes and sprinted up the escalators.
Now, I am not Gillian McKeith. I don’t care how much your poo says about you, it is made for flushing, not examining. However, on this occasion, I made an exception. And I could just about make out a few little green stones. Not as many as I was expecting, but at least it was something.
I headed back down and joined Jo again. And then we shopped for a couple of hours with no drama. The rest of the day went on as normal, and I tried not to be disappointed that I’d gone to all that effort for a measly few stones. Seriously, thinking back to the horror show of olive oil and grapefruit makes me so angry. Plus I starved myself for half a day. And got next to nothing to show for it.
Then again, our bodies are designed to naturally detox themselves, so you could argue that mine is doing a pretty good job. I’ve put my body through it’s paces over the years, and although it’s given me increasingly dreadful hangovers in return, I guess it ultimately has my back. Maybe I should just stop fucking around with it.