#long negative post

[niiru-once]

don’t you just love it when someone who you thought was close to you starts to diss your sexuality? No? Me neither. Literally, even after all we’ve been through, they find the nerve to say “ bi sexual? does that word even exist? cuz i cant see it in the LATEST digital dictionary.” Haha, those are their exact words, mind you. They treat my (and lots of others’) sexuality as something that /doesn’t exist/. And yet they still say that they’re saying “opinions and maybe facts”. I’m sorry to those who were unfortunate enough to read all of this but, I just can’t believe that someone who I treated as a /twin/, as an /equal/ would stab my back, take my trust and throw it on the ground. Before they even started dissing on bisexuality, they said this: “ the problem of this generation is that there are same sex marriage “ “   So its not the individuals fault if they are homosexual. but they should see the side they are ARE EITHER MAN OR WOMAN AND ACCEPT THAT FUCKING TRUTH “   “ I will leave my opinions or maybe facts in this chat “   “ Its up to that person if s/he stays with the same or opposite sex. What i said is that people fail to realize their own gender and fail to accept it and fail to learn its science side and fail to learn that they can change “   “ Its ok to like the same gender. as long as they dont like them sexualy and haan da nga idakdakel “(haan da nga idakdakel = they don’t make it big)  “ theres no problem with homosexuality. the only fucking problem is that they are sexualy attracted with the same sex “ Can you see where this all went? It’s hipocricy, they’re a hipocrite when it comes to things they don’t understand. Then they try to say that “I’m only being a dick because in the future, I won’t be able to.” So, (correct me if I’m taking it all wrong) they’re basically doing this for their own amusement. They want to see others being uncomfortable before they, quote-on-quote “change”. And now that I think that our... /discussion/ is about to end, our friend comes in and consoles us (mostly the backstabber) and so I’m basically, “Oh, so you’ll listen to her but not me? Sure, ok, great talking, dude. Just... ok, listen to the one with /no/ experience at all with this and not the one /with/ experience.” Don’t get me wrong, I love our friend (quite literally actually). But the dickhead seems to trust her more than me? And we’ve been “friends” for like, 3 years... Anyway enough of that, I think I’ll just sleep it off. And to be specific I’m talking about one person. Good night to those who actually read this.

[hb212]

HUGE negative post below, just keep scrolling if you don’t want to read

I am trying so so hard to be okay right now. As soon as everything seems to be going good someone steps on it and then steps on me (lately it has exclusively been my mother and lately I have been putting up with it but today she crossed a line). As this summer has progressed and it gets closer to me moving off to college she has slowly gotten more and more passive aggressive about my moving away. It started when the University got the check from my PFLAG Scholarship and split it evenly between both semesters. She pressured me constantly to put it all in the first semester, “in case you go down there and hate it. After all, you’ve never lived on your own and you don’t know what it’s like. That way you won’t lose a thousand dollars if you decide to go to the school closer to home” (1000 dollars that she has considered dirty money to begin with since it came from an LGBT+ organization... and people still wonder why I’m still closeted to my family). I always pushed her off and said, “no, I want it split between semesters because I don’t have as much scholarship money in the second semester. Having a little bit more means we’re paying less out of pocket”. She texts me this morning to call her and when I call her she tells me that SHE CALLED THE SCHOOL AND HAD THE SCHOLARSHIP MOVED AS WELL AS TOLD THEM THAT SHE WANTS TO BE ABLE TO LOG INTO MY SCHOOL ACCOUNT SO SHE CAN SEE HOW MUCH MONEY WE OWE (AMONG LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE), SOMETHING THAT ONLY I CAN ALLOW IF I SO CHOOSE AND SHE IS EFFECTIVELY MAKING ME GIVE HER ACCESS TO AT THIS POINT. I ALREADY WAIVED FERPA FOR HER, SHE CAN REQUEST WHATEVER INFORMATION SHE WANTS BUT THAT ISN’T ENOUGH????!!! SHE HAS TO GET INTO MY ACCOUNT NOW AND PRY INTO MY PRIVACY WITH HER OWN TWO HANDS??? AND THE WORST PART IS THEY ACTUALLY MOVED THE SCHOLARSHIP WITHOUT MY KNOWING OR MY SAY SO??????? I responded to her moving the scholarship by saying, “that isn’t what I wanted and I already told you that.” TO WHICH SHE HAD THE GALL TO RESPOND WITH A RAISED VOICE AND ANGER I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM HER IN YEARS, “WHAT YOU WANT DOESN’T MATTER!” as if week in Vegas with her joking about expensive clothes and offhandedly dissing my Major (”if you want to be able to buy this kind of stuff you should consider changing your major.”) hadn’t grated me down enough, she took it a level further by taking away some of the little privacy I have left?! (as if reading my text messages, stalking my Facebook, AND having access to any records she could possibly want from my school once I start because she would not allow me to go (and use the money from what is, mind you, effectively MY account for college??????) if I didn’t waive those privacy rights?)  and then she tops it off by actually saying that what I want doesn’t matter?! That I, effectively, shouldn’t be able to decide what I want because I “don’t know how the world works” I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT. I am livid angry but at the same time feel completely hollow with sadness. none of this is okay, moving away was supposed to make everything better but everything is getting worse. and then my own father says to just deal with it? Just IGNORE her????????? August 14th can’t come soon enough (and then the 16th or 17th when she fucking leaves because she’s following me down and staying in a hotel so she can go to parent sessions the first days of orientation).

[neil-armsloth]

[seashell-eyed]

11:37 PM (trying this swaggy timestamp thing)

It seems like no matter how much I do, I can never do enough.

I am genuinely worried about not getting into a UC; between my aunt jokingly telling me not to go to any “bad UC’s” and that I’ll for sure get into Cal (yeah, right, with my SAT score), and lying to my grandpa every time he asked whether I was doing well in school last year, and my mom, who is usually supportive, balking at my suggesting of investigating different state schools because they “wouldn’t suit me,” I am honestly so exhausted and terrified of not going to college that I’m tempted to just give up and not even apply. But then that would be worse than trying and being rejected, and I’d rather take the lesser of two evils. My mom always tells me that if I had different dreams, I wouldn’t have to try so hard, but that always translates to not doing well enough, never doing well enough, and struggling more in an effort to try to learn how to float so I can create a viable future for myself. And perhaps I wouldn’t have to go to a UC- I mean, all I really want is to get out of Suburbia-but then I would have to deal with my family pretending to be proud of me, and after three years of pretending to be confident and proud of myself, I’d rather not have that. —————— I have so many junior and sophomore year regrets that every time I try to think positively about what I could say for admissions, I return to the negative, and it keeps weighing me down. I regret not taking the AP Spanish test, when I probably could have passed. I regret not studying for the subject SAT’s as well as I should have. I regret not following through on the bookmaking project I devised, especially since my strongest memories of my cousin before she died of leukemia are of her reading to me. I regret failing to express that I loved my club and I was proud of my officers and I saw failures and accomplishments and how much I truly wanted to change things for the better, but it was sometimes hard when I tried to psych up wonderful, busy people and I was met with no response. I regret not saying how when I had to handle everything for International Week, I sobbed in the car for an hour, because I was afraid of failing and failing my officers, but I had had little help and little direction as to what I was supposed to be doing. I regret not saying that I was scared.

I regret never saying that I still am.

[itsthatonenerd1]

Doesn't help that today I think I find out who's in my team/group for a Games Development unit.... and I'm honestly terrified that the people in my group are people I don't talk to. and I'm team leader, how can I be a good team leader if I'm petrified at talking to people I don't know!!! D=

you know, I tend to joke around about being in charge of something, saying they need to accept me as a messiah, but honestly, I only do it to make sure I don't freak out and do/say something I probably shouldn't...... 

I should be ok if there's at least 1 or 2 people I talk to/get on with well, but if I'm in a group with people I don't know what's going to happen.....