after 5 long months ive logged onto this account. ive cleaned it up of any cluttering posts. i feel a lot of regret for how ive handled certain things and for how harshly ive always treated myself. i had tried to be optimistic on this blog, you can see it, but deep down i was miserable. this isnt a sob story post, it is more of an update and analyzing myself too. because to analyze me back then and me now is to see growth as a person.
tbh i was struggling with a lot of things months ago and even relapsed in things i wouldn’t have imagined i would have. this isnt for validation at all, i like writing things publicly like this, like a note for myself? idk.
i know i would make comments about my mental state back then “how it got better” but that was never the case. it was temporary.
to be quite honest, i will get into the real real gist of it. i had moved out of my parents place like in october of 2022. living with my family has always been stressful, i wont go into that though. my roommate was an incredibly selfish and two-faced person. there were red flags but i either hadnt noticed or ignored them. she was a complete pos, imo, and even reveled in being one. she was even gross and her sister who also lived with us was also gross. i feel bad for her cat bc she wouldnt clean the litter box that much until she wasnt so “depressed”. i am honestly not sure, i put quotation marks bc honestly i feel that she was just lazy as fuck. she was one of those girls who followed trends and went out clubbing a lot and had lots of hook ups. i dont know man, maybe i seem like an asshole but ive struggled with depression since i was a kid and still find energy to clean my cats litter box. granted, i have better coping mechanisms and thought processes and am just in general in a better place mentally but idk i love my cats to death and feel like a dickwad when i even go a couple of hours over with cleaning their litter box. she also didnt try to help with her cat becoming obese basically and stuff, so yea. sorry for the long tangent, my roommate was a dickwad.
after moving out of that hell hole (i wasnt apart of the lease so it was p easy), i think i moved out beginning of february? well, situations happen and i move out of parents place with my bf at the end of february. place ends up being fucking infested with bed bugs and the landlord lady was a bitch and so yea. i moved in and out like 4 times in the span of november 2022-march 2023 i think? tbh, that was all pretty stressful. but i think the good thing out of it was my cats are indoor cats now and i love taking care of them.
while cleaning my posts of clutter, i had a wave of nostalgia both good and bad. it wasnt that long ago but it feels like it. i loved rping hu tao and i think a lot of the reason as to why i could never rp with a lot of ppl was because i was harsh to myself and held myself back. i felt like i didnt properly convey hu tao’s portrayal and compared myself to other hu taos. it is easy to compare because it isnt your writing or portrayal. i could look at myself, be a harsh critique about my looks, but at the end of the day there could always be someone out there that sees things differently. in a more positive and less judgemental light, ig. i also had and still struggle with social anxiety. it has gotten better and perhaps it has helped that ive learned to be more understanding of myself like i am with others.
i love hu tao as a character and always will. and id love to come back to her! but tbh i have fallen out of the game and havent been playing it. i havent played the event including hu tao. i am not sure yet if i am going to make such a commitment to rping again but looking back at the posts made me feel a bit happy. i kinda like how i wrote her, i liked interacting and being goofy.
Someone asked, and this got long AF so I’mma just put it under the cut
The first time, Steve trips over a cable that's in the way of his mark, and oh no Billy totally didn't put it there just to be annoying, whoops, but then- by reflex, as Steve's foot gets caught and he falls, Billy catches him.
And oh no Billy's like really fucking strong, the way he just holds on to Steve like he weighs nothing.
And oh fuck Steve is like really fucking pretty up this close, those dark honeyed eyes and beauty marks, even in the too-bright light of the spots hanging above them.
There's a magnetic feeling between them.
But then someone runs over to ask if they're ok and the feeling is gone and Steve stands back up.
Doesn't shout at Billy or get all mad for being in the way as usual. Just straightens out his brightly colored polo and says something like “Yeah, just wasn't looking where I was going, don't worry.”
And doesn't look at Billy the same way for the rest of practice.
The second time it almost happens, Billy's walking around with a tall stack of boxes filled with costumes that needs to be put away.
People ask if he needs a hand or anything but “nah it weighs basically nothing.”
Steve's staring at the script, mind occupied only by that as he mumbles his lines and trots back and forth backstage, nearly carving his route into the floor there.
And they don't notice each other till after the chaotic tumble to the floor, papers flying, boxes opening up to spill their contents all over the floor.
All over where Steve and Billy land, together.
Billy on top, heavy and muscular and pressed against Steve with all his weight. Removes the green shirt that blinds him to see Steve there, face framed by a bright pink feather boa that has fallen around his bright pink face.
All very meet-cute I know and I fucking love it, fight me
They can feel each other's rapid heart beat, feel the magnetism again, like they're caught in one another's gravitational orbit.
It's very clear on Billy's face that he's thinking- considering something. Bites at his lower lip, looks down at Steve's perfect mouth.
And Steve simply... waits. Flat on his back, eyes staring up at the blue waters that are obviously staring at his mouth, pays close attention to how warm Billy's body is, as he continues waiting for the other to make a move.
It's as quiet as the grave here, where they are all alone.
But Billy moves away, stands up and starts gathering everything, apologizes for not having seen Harrington walking there, despite how he usually always knows where he is.
Steve helps gather up the stuff, eyes going quickly between the scattered costumes and Billy's golden hair.
Their fingers meet and it's the first time they look into each others eyes again after having gotten up. And they freeze there, just for a moment before Steve moves his fingers closer, into the heat and up the skin, the sensation there tingling. Then Billy moves away, again.
At that Steve stands up, gathers his papers and tries not to run as he goes for the dressing room, slams the door and locks it, back pressed to it. Mind a confusing jungle, heart racing, skin tingling.
Billy will remember this tonight. Will remember Steve when he's asleep.
Steve starts noticing how Billy's always in the way somehow, whether directly or by proxy, when he leaves a few tools accidentally on Steve's dressing table, more cables on his marks, purposefully walks in the way when they pass backstage, always grinning.
But he can give as good as he gets. Starts hiding the tools to send Billy out on a wild goose chase, steps on the cables as Billy's trying to pick them up, whoops, leaves his own stuff all around on things that Billy has to move, doesn't step aside when Billy's carrying something a bit too heavy and needs to pass.
One time, Steve's sitting on a prop that has just finished drying after having been painted, talking to a co-star, when Billy approaches.
“Have to move this,” he says and gestures to whatever it is Steve's sitting on top of.
The girl leaves with an alluring smile meant for Billy, but he doesn't care right now, because Harrington's not moving.
“Get off.”
“Why? I'm taking a well earned break, gotta rest often since I am the male lead, after all.” All cocky.
Billy's tired, he's been lifting all kinds of extra heavy shit today, won't even have the energy to lift weights at home later. And there's clear anger in his eyes, born of exhaustion and fed by the way Steve's smirking.
Puts his hands on either side of Steve's hips. Leans in, hips between knees, noses a hair's width away.
So close, that Billy can smell the expensive shampoo Steve uses, and whatever it is that keeps that dark, luscious hair standing the way it does.
So close, that they can taste each others breaths, feel each exhale against their lips, the heat that builds.
They have never been so close.
Steve looks down at where he can practically already feel that mustache tickle. “Fine.”
And they linger for just a few seconds too many after that one word, before Steve jumps off and walks away, looking back to see Billy staring.
There would be plenty other times like this.
But the first time they kiss is after Billy's been accepted as Steve's understudy.
They've grown closer, fast, but still not friends, because friends don't look at each other this way, don't look over shoulders or through the corners of their eyes.
All that changed, though, when Billy becomes an actual threat to Steve's stardom. And Steve's seething, quietly of course, with rage when the teacher tells him to help Billy learn all the moves and lines before the big opening, and that yes he has to, show some camaraderie, Harrington! We're all a big family here, and we support each other.
But Billy's got a lot to learn still, in general about the whole theatre thing, because he knows nothing besides how to angle the light right and a natural born singing skill.
And Steve got a big empty house. And he asks if Billy wants to come over for practice, loudly, to make sure the teacher knows how seriously he's taking this.
Considers sabotaging Billy, play with him a bit and make him squirm under Steve's superior artistry and expertise. But no, he... he doesn't want Billy to feel bad or self conscious, not sure why he feels that way though, but he'll be nice enough.
Billy's heart all racing, sitting in the camaro and fixing his hair. Hopefully no one saw him come this way, if anyone sees his car in front of the Harrington mansion, rumors will grow. Can't decide if he should open a button more on his shirt, or if it's low enough to show off his tanned pecs.
Then they're in the living room. Steve doesn't want to bring them upstairs into his bedroom, no that would be too... personal. And this isn't personal, the two of them all alone, no this is just acting.
But Billy can't focus for shit.
Steve decided to play the romantic lead, his female counterpart, for the sake of getting Billy used to having to play off of another person like this, and it's just easier to know when to talk when another person reads aloud the other half of the dialogue.
And it is enchanting to watch Steve lose himself in a role, so deeply devoted, knows absolutely every single line, word and punctuation to the script of whatever they're rehearsing. Oh how he moves so elegantly, speaks so eloquently, it is obvious that he was born to do this.
Of course it's irritating to be ogled this way... or is it thrilling? Steve keeps going, Billy keeps following, and Steve knows where this scene is headed, what's soon to come up.
Wonders if Billy will go through with it. Hopes.
Stands as close to Billy as he can without anything touching, and recites the line in the script saying: “and then they kiss.”
And he waits, wants to move in those few remaining inches, wants to feel that stupid fucking mustache. His heart beats on his lungs like drums, an internal drum roll that deafens him and he bets that Billy hears it too; must be able to sense it vibrating through the air.
Billy's never been hotter, as in the heat here is worse than any summer day back in California. Jaw tense, heart in his throat. Knows what he wants to do, what he should do- what he should practice, according to the script. Fucking do it Hargrove, fucking just, do it. Do it!
And it is the most intense thing he's ever felt, grabbing Steve by the face and pushing himself into those lips. Those lips, those lips... they've been haunting his dreams, accompanied by those dark eyes, skin full of moles and beauty marks. It's as if he's been hungry for years and can finally eat.
Steve's... speechless... wants to touch- can he touch? The body heat, the muscles, the weight of him, all things he remembers so vividly, from when Billy fell on top of him, from dreams. And he tries, cautiously, grabs lightly on the red shirt, hand clutching the fabric, pulling him closer.
And Billy lets himself get pulled closer and closer and closer, till their bodies align like the stars in the sky. Feels like he's soaring up there now, when Steve opens his mouth to invite him in.
Their heart beats sync up, skin burns wherever it touches, lips together like pieces of a puzzle that paints such a pretty picture.
Rules: answer all the questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.
1) coke or pepsi: coke
2) disney or dreamworks: disney
3) coffee or tea: COFFEE but I do love tea
4) books or movies: books
5) windows or mac: mac
6) dc or marvel: marvel all the way
7) playstation or x-box: x-box, but i don’t really do gaming
8) dragon age or mass effect: don’t play either
9) night owl or early riser: night owl
10) cards or chess: cards
11) chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
12) vans or converse: converse
13) Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: what?
14) fluff or angst: fluff
15) beach or forest: beach, my allergies are horrible in forests
16) dogs or cats: cats
17) clear skies or rain: rain
18) cooking or going out: going out, i can’t really cook
19) spicy or mild food: mild
20) halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: solstice/yule/christmas
21) would you rather be too hot or too cold: too cold
22) what superpower would you want: teleportation
23) animation or live action: depends on the content
24) paragon or renegade: idk what this means
25) baths or showers: showers
26) team cap or team iron man: TEAM CAP
27) fantasy or sci-fi: fantasy
28) favorite four quotes:
“to love or have loved, that is enough. ask nothing further.” - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables
“of course it’s happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean it’s not real?” - JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
“you hit the lord of the titans with a blue plastic hair brush.”- Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
“in his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex.” - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, A Scandal in Bohemia
29) netflix or youtube: Youtube
30) harry potter or percy jackson: fuck, ok, PJO because it really got me through some hard times
31) when do you feel accomplished: when i manage to get back into my normal rhythm after a severe anxiety attack/depressive episode
32) star wars or star trek: star trek
33) paper back or hard cover: hard cover
34) world without music or literature: music
35) pastel or dark colors: pastel
My question) Candles or Fairy Lights: (if you wanna know, i like candles)
Ok, I’m not tagging 36 people, so @thedarklordwholewheat @livre-fleur-lune @forevermad8888 @destielphancaleoshipper @nalencio @returnofthemadking @alien-aesthetic-boy @closethegoshdidilydarndoor @verysmallparakeets if y’all wanna do this, here you go.
Probably already exist but I'mma give my two cents on it too since I live and breathe Broadway productions
Billy being his typical asshole delinquent, stands outside on school grounds smoking, listens to whatever show the theatre department are practicing for
Thinks theatre is gay, ofc
Then he hears him, Steve, sing his part so gloriously like a siren calling for sailors
Billy has to know who the fuck this voice belongs to, hurries in to catch Harrington belt out the last long note of his solo. Holy shit.
Suddenly he wants to be in the gay theatre shit, will absolutely have conflicting thoughts and feelings about it
Will absolutely have to hide the fact that he's hanging with a bunch of homos
He's definitely not into guys too, nope, definitely not into the male lead
Starts out as a stage hand, lifting the props and helping with the heavy lights, because oh Billy fucking works out and lifts shit with barely a sweat ever, hopes Steve is watching, makes sure to pass by to “assert dominance” and not to show off his incredible strength
All the girls here LOVE having Billy around, and hey it ain't too bad to be around them either eh
But he spends more time looking at Steve, watching him and always knows exactly where he is, what if someone needed to know, it’s not like he does
Teases him, flirts obnoxiously (it's not flirting wtf do you mean he's just bullying Steve shut up)
Mistakes his crush on Steve for being jealous to see him in the limelight, get all the praise and how the girls flock to him, too.
One day when he thinks he's all alone, fixing up the backstage, rolling together all the wires n cables n what-not, casually sings and hums all of Steve's parts, not as good but still up there, gets caught by the drama teacher and is asked to audition to be Steve's understudy
Fucking nails it, congrats Hargrove!
Steve now feels threatened, big time, he's still better at singing but Billy's waaaaay more attractive and they're about equally good at acting
The slight “dislike” they've had for each other now an actual rivalry
But Steve's never sick or hurt or anything, so Billy keeps working as a stagehand, too, but has to practice together with Steve to get it right, just in case
Steve hates every second of it, goddamnit now he has to compete with a second possible lead??? And he's gotta show him all the moves and help him learn the lines? Guess he can help him with some vocal lessons too while they’re at it..
And they have to meet up at Steve's place because there's less distractions and no one around to call Billy a faggot and oh it sure is hard to focus for both of them when they're all alone like this
All this time Billy's had to keep up with basketball practice too ofc, gotta live his life normally to avoid people becoming suspicious about anything, especially his dad
There's never any actual conflict with Billy having to choose, because he's good and careful, and the few people that have caught him he just tells he's doing it for the hot horny drama girls, they're real freaks lemme tell ya, or they're too afraid to go talking shit about Billy being into theatre
And I'm not all about that extra unnecessary pressure between two points of interest, it's very “love triangle” and an old old tired trope
Occasionally he does have to choose if he'll go to basket practice or theatre practice, and most always he chooses basketball because that's important to him, too
Not like theatre has become an important part of his life, fuck no, especially not with the preppy lil shit Steve always always always around
But Steve always gets so irritated and upset with Billy when he doesn't show up for practice in the auditorium
And that just gets them fighting ofc, gets them heated
Theatre means everything to Steve, he didn't get accepted to any of the colleges he applied to, he's too stupid, so he really needs this to work and be a great experience for him, so he has a few notches on his belt when he wants to go audition for more serious stuff out there in the world!!!
And Billy understands how worthless Steve feels and he’s sorry that he missed practice again, oh shit, is he in love??? Sure they've been fooling around n shit, that's just hormones and pressure needing to be relieved, tension breaking n shit, and they had grown closer together as well
When opening night of the school play is here, Billy stays backstage and helps with everything he can because this is a big deal for Steve and Billy wants it to be a success and he'll do anything Steve needs, even though he really wants to be out there in the audience to watch
It's all a huge success, standing ovation for Steve and his cast of whoever else, who cares, because Steve is glowing with happiness and excitement and he can't stop smiling and Billy can't stop smiling and feeling proud and...
Ok so imagine you are an adventurer who follows a map on an epic quest. The promised reward is promised to grant your every wish.
You finally get to your end of the journey, and you find a dragon's horde of goolden coins and precious gems.
And you are disapointed because the world as you know it uses currency no longer and you were hoping for a miracle cure for your sick little sister.
From with in the cave, the mound of gold and gems shift and two slited emerald eyes open as you hear a booming voice, "Who goes there? Who dares to steal my treasure?"
Trembling in fear, you speak in a shakey voice, "I am nothing but a simple traveler, for adventerors have a grand goal or quest. I need not your treasure."
The dragon gives an indignant huff. Who wouldn't want the shiny treasure? It is sparkly even if it hasn't been used as currency for thousands of years!
The rumbling fills the cave once again, "What is it that you desire if not treasure?"
You smile softly as you look at this grand majestic beast that could kill you with a swipe of it's smallest claw. "These old coins won't heal my sister. I was told that here I would find something that could grant any wish, but this map must be older than I thought since coin has had no power since ancient times."
A booming laugh richochets out of the cave, and the dragon steps into the light of the outside in order ro rise to its full height. The dragon towers over you, but it's esmerald eyes are locked on your own.
"I see, it is not my treausure you seek, but me," the dragon says with amusement.
"I know not what you mean, oh great one."
"Bring me something for my horde. Whatever it is that you find beautiful and treasured, and I will grant your wish."
Eagerly, you swing your carefully packed back pack in front of you before spilling its contents in front of you. From the bottom of your pack falls a cluster of labradorite stones. Their blue and amber coloring being made more beautiful by cracks of black have always been something you admired.
They were going to be a gift for your sister, but the dragon healing her would be the greatest gift of all.
The dragon nods in aproval as you hold up the stones, hope gleaming in your eyes. You are rold to add them to the pile of gold.
Once closer, you can see a human skull in the pile, causing you to gasp and fall backwards. You see another human skeleton laying on the pile, dressed in fine robes. "How many are there...?" you whisper to yourself.
But dragons have excellent hearing, and soon the purple scales of the dragon's head can be seen in the cave's entrance.
"It is not only glittery things that people find precious, human. Some offered up themselves to save another. One mother gave up one twin to save the other on death's door, after I assured he would not be harmed. That boy grew restless, so he is exploring the world now, but he will return to me eventually. Some were presented as someone's precious thing, but I knew that they were mere sacrifices. I do not take kindly to liars, but I accepted those people into my safe haven as well. Rest assured, I made sure all who joined my horde had a long and fulfilling life."
You nod, slightly overwhelmed by all the information. The dragon's years of lonliness seem to drip from the explanation. Perhaps it enjoys having someone to talk to every once in awhile.
"Why keep the bones?" you inquire.
"I honor them still, even once their spirit passes. They are too precious to me to be discarded."
Nodding once again, you dust yourself off and walk out of the cave. As you step onto the soft grass, the dragon's snout taps against your chest. A warm tingle races through your body from that spot.
"Once you return home, all you must do is lay your hands on your sister and say, 'Be healed, precious one. Then whatever ails her will hold her hostage no longer."
Tears prick your eyes. You suppose that the map wasn't a hoax after all. After profusely thanking the grand dragon, you turn to walk down the rocky slope. A rock slips under your foot, and you begin to slide. You don't go far, but as you move to stand up, your ankle protests. Proding it causes a sharp pain.
"On second thought," you shyly petition, "Can I get a ride?"
The dragon chortles, and positions it's wing so ypu can limp your way onto its back. You both know the dragon could simply heal you, but perhaps it is nice to not be alone anymore.
There is something beautiful in how the dragon views the precarious and short lives of humans as something so precious.
You and the dragon take to the skies, extending your friendship for just a little longer.
ive been trying to be a little more MIA on here but some of my closest and oldest friends are only active on here so i figured... why not post a little something about where im at rn
for starters, im not writing or drawing as much anymore which is... weird because those were the two things that defined my identity for so long. instead, im spending more time with friends and exploring outside of my comfort zone and feeling good about it. i learned that i like to paint with real watercolor (not digital lol) and i like to throw on the wheel. i really enjoy it. i like ceramics a bit more now. im learning to love science and math. im loving my life a lot more. i stopped posting so much stuff on here and on ao3 to teach myself not to crave so much validation. a lot of my work just gets tossed into my files and i dont touch it for a while, so when i look back at it i can appreciate it more fully. im liking that a lot. i crave some validation, but in a healthy way, not so viscerally as i did a while ago. im doing more personal essaying.
also! im on zoloft now, and its a really nice change for me. i think in 2018, im going to be working on my mental health more. ive been tailspinning for the past 6 years and im tired of it. so... im on meds. i stopped going to therapy because it wasnt working. im using natural destressers. im doing things that actually make me happy. im cutting out toxicity. im getting excited for my future. im disengaging with my abusive dad more often. im feeling happy. ive been tracking my emotions and the past 8 days, ive been doing great. im so overwhelmed with happiness and its been less than a week of medication. idk if its a placebo effect or luck or what but goddamn am i good.
i made better friends. ive grown as a person. i changed my major from creative writing to pre-med. i got into my dream school. everything is how it should be.
my next step is to start more of a social media detox, and to start reading a little bit more. im going to try and shut down on social media a little bit more, and tumblr is gonna be the first to go- only 15 minutes a day now. so thats where im at.
see ya guys on the flippity flip! if you wanna keep in contact, ill be checking my inbox for the next few hours then go on to my 15min a day regimen. :)
