BOMBAY TIMES, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHITTY ROMANCE ADVICE. The 90's are over (thank god). And girls need no longer wait for pooranmashi ki raat wala Valentine's Day to meet their janam janam ka saathi while sighing around a bunch of candles. But Bombay Times doesn't know that. So, like a retiree uncle who cares too much, BT continues to give bad romance advice - in this case, things to keep in mind if you are texting him back... Don't worry BT, I fixed it for you. First. It's okay to text first, irrespective of what organ lies between your legs. Here's a rule of thumb when it comes to texting someone- Do you want to text them? Yes? Will texting them right now count as harassment? No? Then text them. CHANGE YOUR STATUS WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU FEEL LIKE. If a human bases his feelings for you on whether you change your what's app status from "banana ice-cream is bae" to "Bhai roxxx", let him go. Can't go around trusting someone who has no appreciation for two of the finest things in life (banana ice cream and Bhai). SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK. Like whatever. You like making music with burp sounds? Say it. If he feels the same way, but about fart sounds, girl, you got a band. USE HIS OWN LINES ON HIM But go two steps ahead and coat them in extra cheese. You don't need a man who can't stand cheese. THE HEART EMOJI IS NOT AN ACTUAL HEART. Throw it around as liberally as you want. But remember, consensual heart emoji exchange is everything. Ask him if he wants a heart. He does? 😘❤️💛💚💙💜💖 KEEP IT TERSE. Why spend time typing out long texts when you could be out talking over coffee instead? EVERY PUNCTUATION MARK COUNTS. Otherwise a simple sentence like "Come with me" can become totally ridden with innuendo. DO NOT REPLY TO SOON OR TOO LATE. No, keep an egg timer close at hand so you can put all work aside and monitor the exact moment the conversation is hard boiled enough to hit send.
