mister(?) sbs, will you please tell us about "diagnosis: encounter with a squirrel" off the lies poll?
so, my dad has a vendetta against the neighborhood squirrels.
sorry, this is a long one, and I couldn't think of a better place to put the readmore than right here at the start of it, so here we are!
buckle up
so my dad hates the squirrels because they cause property damage and steal the nuts off our pecan tree, and for him it's become personal, so he's waging an all-out squirrel war. he sets traps, he shoots them, and he celebrates each kill as if it's a personal victory.
(I mean hey, I don't like it, but it gives him something to do.)
but the thing is, after my dad kills these squirrels, he just disposes of them. and I think that's a waste, so...I learned how to skin them. to keep their pelts.
that's the backstory here. that's a fun thing you now know about me!
anyway, this has been going pretty well - I now have a pile of squirrel pelts under the porch, waiting for warm weather and free time so I can tan them. and I'm really careful about all of this - I wear gloves, I clean my tools well, and I never run into any problems
or at least I hadn't run into any problems until last November, when one of my nitrile gloves got a hole in it without me noticing, and I got squirrel blood all over my hand.
...a hand where I happened to have an open wound.
yeah. so. I called the local hospital and vaguely explained what happened, and asked, "uh, hey! is this something I need a rabies shot for?"
"uhh," the nurse said helpfully, "we can't give medical advice over the phone. but if you're concerned, feel free to visit the emergency room!"
and. I mean. I wasn't not concerned about it! rabies is like, a death sentence for sure, so??
so I went to the emergency room, and explained what happened to a different nurse, got stared at and told to wait, and after about 45 minutes of killing time (and listening to a man and a woman in the waiting room debate the concept of free will, argue about god, and plan an intervention for their gambling-addicted brother), I got brought back into an exam room
the doctor basically looked at my chart and asked me to explain myself, so I gave her the rundown of "cut open a squirrel, glove broke, got squirrel blood on an open wound, what do I do about that?"
she seemed more confused by this situation than anything else, but she looked up a few things, and then told me that if it had been any other mammal she would have recommended a rabies shot, but that in this area, squirrels are not a rabies risk! and so I didn't have anything to worry about
which, cool! glad to not have rabies!
anyway she disappeared for a bit to finish paperwork and stuff so I could leave, and a few other nurses wandered over and asked me the polite version of, "hey, what the fuck?" so I explained the whole thing all over again, and fielded questions like, "how…exactly…did this happen?" and "is this like...a taxidermy thing?", and "😭 but...why? I love squirrels!" until the doctor returned, told me I could leave, and then cheerfully said, "there you go! your medical record now says, 'diagnosis: encounter with squirrel'! have a nice day!"
it was definitely one of the experiences I've ever had.
but the day after that was pretty fun too, because that's when I got a phone call from the health department!
the person on the line was a nice lady with a strong, gruff southern accent, and she said, "we're required to follow up on all potential rabies risks, and I hear you had uh…a…squirrel encounter?"
jfc.
so I went over it all again with her, explaining how it happened.
times I have now had to explain the squirrel thing: 5
after I got done my sordid tale, she repeated what the doctor said about squirrels not being a rabies risk, and then tacked onto the end, "unless...before it was killed, was the squirrel acting...nutty?"
I am in love with health department lady. we will have a spring wedding.
me: "nah, the squirrel seemed normal."
her: "okay."
her: "do you uh…skin squirrels often? I mean, I can't judge."
me: "no, please do. I encourage it. this is getting ridiculous."
her: "well, still. one of my coworkers - the one I inherited this job from - he left me a taxidermied rat!" :D
me: "oh! that's cool!"
her: "it is!"
…
me: "…anyway"
her: "yeah, have a nice afternoon!"
so, that's the story of how I got squirrel blood on an open wound, got stared at by a bunch of healthcare professionals, and (probably) became a story that people tell to their friends when they need an example of a truly odd person.
the end!
oh, and the moral of this story btw (if you care to know) is that before rushing off to the ER to see if you need a rabies shot, the correct course of action is to call the health department! because they're the ones who have the data to tell you whether or not your health is at risk from getting bled on by a dead squirrel.
(at least, that's what the nice health department lady said. I hope she's doing well! I think of her often)
