Forget yourself, Surrender your mind
Rosie came warm and pink cheeked in the spring and mama told me to tell the peacekeepers she’d be gone for a while. It was sad I think. Mama, who's the strongest person I know, is laying on the little bed in our house, curled up with Rosie. I wanna stare at her forever. Is this what she looked like when I came? Was I too warm and pink cheeked?
I head out and across the big fields and make sure to stop by the animals. My snake, Arty, sits on the ledge of the door to the barn. I carefully pick him up off oof the door and he wraps himself around my neck. Resting his head on my hand.
I am headed to the peacekeepers gate when i catch a faint smell, Sesame and... its bread!
I can't remember the last time we had some. I'm sure mama and Rosie won't mind. I start to hurry toward the bakery. Hoping I can snag a few loaves of bread out of the cart headed to the capitol. Or wherever they go.
The big trucks are a little bit scry but I have Arty. With Arty I am invincible. I hop up on one of the trucks. It's filled to the brim with the crescent rolls that we savor every new year. For a moment me and Arty sink ourselves into the sweet smell of the bread.
I think we could lay in it for days, weeks. I think I'm starting to drift off. Thinking of bringing bread to mama and Rosie.
I want to feed Rosie a piece of bread but I remember what mama told me,
"Rosie is too little for big girl food"
When. I ask her when Rosie will be big enough, she gets quiet. She does this a lot I think.
There was Martin first. Papa was like Martin. But I can't remember what happened to him. Martin was a big kid. Mama said something about a big party fo him in the capitol but then why was mama crying when she told me about Martin's party? Maybe he didn't make it. Maybe Martin's train crashed? Papa I know, he forgot to feed the pigs in one of the pens when he introduced me to Arty. The peacekeepers and their big marshmallow shirts took him into the square and shot him in front of me and mama. That was when Rosie was inside of mama. So I'm not sure she remembers it and I sure hope she doesn't. It was really sad. I couldn't get his slumped body out of my mind for weeks. Rosie distracts from it sometimes but I still remember the Peacekeepers carrying papa away from me and mama.
When I wake up it's dark and my neck is cold, my snake scarf is missing. I am about to call out for Arty when a large bump shakes the crescent rolls around me. I can't tell where I am and I shiver in my feed bag dress.
Although I am scared out of my mind, the rumbling of the truck lulls me to sleep. I awake a few more times. I wonder how mama feels. Am I also going to a party in the capitol? I wonder if Rosie will remember me. Do people who get parties in the capitol come back to their families?
I can vaguely remember the grinning face of a strong boy on the big stage over the barns. He seemed happy about heading back home after his party but no one in the crowd was cheering. I remember pulling on mama's sleeve and asking why no one in the crowd was happy.
"Twenty-Three other boys and girls didn't make it to the party. Two of them were from here:"
"Like Martin?" I ask her.
Mama takes a deep breath and says,
"Yes sweetheart, like Martin"
Will I be one of the lucky ones? It seems nice that the people in the capitol throw parties for the kids from the districts but why can't everyone make it to the party? A party is no fun if there is only one person there. I mean, sure people from the Capitol would be there to party with you but wouldn't you miss your friends? I know I would.
I stuff two of the rolls in my mouth and fall asleep again. I think I dream about Rosie. I'm swimming in rolls and her little hand is gripping my finger. I am sure that I have got a good hold on her but when I look back through the rolls, she is no here to be seen.
There is cold steel on my back and bright flourescent lights that burn my eyes. I try to get up but there are bands around my arms and legs.
My memories come flooding back and I feel hot tears well up.
Mama. Arty. Rosie. Papa. Martin
"Arty? Mama!" I scream out.
I am sure this is all a dream. I'll wake up. If I can just pinch myself.
I will wake up with mama and Rosie sleeping next to me.
I cry and scream, fighting against my restraints to no avail.
At some point someone comes in and I feel a sharp pain in my chest before I pass out again.
When. I wake up, I am still on the table. My body starts moving around without my control. I start screaming again and I hear a bunch of people rush in.
I am pinned back onto the table by four? Five? People.
I wonder if they are taking me to my party. Surely I am in the capitol. Right?
I feel a rush of relaxation come to my body and I begin to feel tired.
"Why is this taking so long? Cut out her tongue. We always need more avoxes" a high pitched voice says.
"She's a kid. Plus she's already been drugged, she's no use as an avox." Says another one.
That accent. I've heard it somewhere. On the big screen above the barns. It's a capitol accent! It is time for my party.
"So what are we gonna do with her? Because I have a gala to attend to at the president's mansion"
"Ooh! That's supposed to be fun! What are you planning to wear?"
"Well, I was thinking of wearing my snakeskin-"
That peaks my interest. I call out for Arty he's gotta be here somewhere. Where are they keeping him?
I fight against the bonds again and scream until my throat is sore.
"Bug her?" I hear one of the voices ask. They add more bonds around my waist and arms. One goes across my forehead, pressing my head onto the cold metal.
Hands reach anf sharply turn my head.
A button is pressed on the box strapped to my chest and pain ruptures from that spot. My body starts convulsing again, held down by the bonds.
The people hover around my head before one of them sticks something in my ear.
I hear a horrible ringing sound and scream out. This time, for Martin.
Mam said he never made it to his party but I'm sure he did. We would be told about a train crash. Right?
I am in and out of it. In the flourescent lights, sitting in a stark white room with rows and rows of beds.
I slep, mostly. My voice is faint when I try to talk and I always end up crying.
I don't remember who I cry for though. It has always been like this. I'm sure.
If I have any memories of a time before these white rooms, I sure as hell can't find them. No matter how hard I try to.
