Let’s talk about: Collective Lessons
This was recommended by a lovely anon and I immediately felt called to write on this topic. With the New Year approaching, I want to reflect on the collective lessons I see that many of us are tackling personally, but also on a wider scale.
Productivity Wound
During the pandemic, a lot of us were confronted with the reality that we prioritize our careers and our productivity over other areas in our life that might fulfill us more, such as time with family, time for new hobbies, and time for rest. In fact, may of us are working on addressing this core wound around the need to be productive all the time. This wound ties to workaholism and usually masks a deeper fear of not mattering, being memorable, or having inherent value. Many of us in the western world are raised believing our value is tied to what we accomplish and produce, versus the value being in the act of doing in and of itself and the self growth that produces. This can lead to looking for external validation, which makes us perfectly primed to go above and beyond at our workplaces as we seek to be told we are good enough through the work we do. This leads us to work harder, to do more, to compromise our own lives for the chance to be good enough and to prove our value. This can lead to burn out, depression, exhaustion and a lack of motivation.
How to combat this wound: practice active rest. Actively allow yourself to do nothing, to sit in meditation, to sit outside, to be unproductive and to stand up for yourself when that rude ass ingrained voice tells you you aren’t worth anything and you should be doing more. You can say, “I’m choosing to actively rest and restore my energy reserves for the upcoming week. Thank you for showing me I still need to heal areas of my self worth.”
Lovability Wound
This one is my deepest wound and it’s a doozy! Many of us struggle with this wound, especially those of us with intense childhood trauma. I still struggle with the mindset of if my own parents couldn’t really love me, why would a stranger? But I also see this playing out on a collective level which is why we’ve seen a rise in the conversations around self love, body positivity, and self care. All of these ideas center around accepting and loving yourself as you are not as the you you wish you were. Sadly, capitalism through advertising sells us the idea that we aren’t good enough as we are and many of us internalize this as a fear that we will never be loved or cannot be due to our horrible flaws (which are usually super average and effect tons of people, but is made to seem like something that needs to be corrected so you will buy a product.) I think this is playing out a lot in Hollywood and the beauty and fashion industries where many are opening up more about things they were/are ashamed of and how that has effected their self esteem.
How to combat this wound: I’m still working on this wound, but from my current stand point, I think healing lovability wounding comes down to figuring out what it means to love yourself and to find ways to do that that make you feel good, whether that’s through eating, exercising, a beauty routine, etc. I’d say just be aware of detangling it as much as possible from doing these things so you will be deserving of love and more from the energy of doing these things because you love yourself. You can say, for example, “I love myself so I’m choosing to feed myself the best food for my body so I can have more energy”
Perfectionism wound
Another big wound I see the collective addressing is perfectionism. I see this playing out a lot through celebrities discussing mental health, eating disorders, and other pressures they’ve faced. I see it a lot in the body positivity movement and other movements that are aiming to normalize things that affect many people, but we still see as something to fix such as stretch marks, acne, hair loss, cellulite, vitiligo, etc. I think more and more of us understand that these “flaws” aren’t flaws at all but pieces of our story, pieces of us that make us who we are and there is a certain pride that we should hold for that. A lot of this wound stems back to being told we aren’t good enough and we should buy this product to fix it, but unlovability also is tied to perfectionism because we think if we can just be X enough, then we’ll finally be loved or accepted or valued. The key is accepting yourself as you are now, living in the present, since that’s all you can control.
How to combat this wound: allow people to see your “imperfections.” Don’t cover your spots, wear a bathing suit that shows your body, talk more openly about your struggles, if it feels scary or uncomfortable to do, try to push yourself to do it. I’m still working on this one. I have a lot of body image healing to do and while I don’t wear makeup, I do struggle to wear clothes that I feel expose parts of my body that I don’t like. Try saying to yourself, “You are perfect just as you are and you don’t need to hide your light anymore. It is safe to show things you don’t like about yourself with others. It’s is brave to not be perfect.”
Boundaries Wound
This wound is all over the place and effects so many areas in life. I see it coming up a lot with regards to work culture where it seems more people are putting their foot down and saying they aren’t going to jump through any hoops their bosses say jump through. A lot of people are prioritizing their mental health, family and time off, over work. This is called setting a boundary. Boundaries are needed is all sorts of areas, including relationships. Boundaries can look like saying no, I’m not available to talk right now, or no, I can’t stay late today. In general it’s saying no to things you don’t feel comfortable with. This wound is surprise surprise tied to unlovability as well, since the thought would be, if I make this person happy then they will validate me as a good worker, a good friend, etc. It all comes down to do you feel valuable inherently. A lot of us compromise our boundaries in exchange for trying to get our need for approval met.
How to combat this wound: start questioning yourself before you say yes to something, ask yourself if you are compromising in a way that doesn’t benefit you long term. Ask yourself why you want to say yes. Is it a genuinely exciting opportunity or do you feel internal pressure to say yes so you can be the good person. Enforce boundaries. I do this with calendaring. I will say No, I can’t do this because that is when I have my workout class, or no, that is when I have a meeting. Practice saying no. This helps you take your power back. You can say, “I’m just as valuable as anyone else and I’m going to prioritize my needs first, then share my energy with others. I will fill my cup first.”
Public vs Privacy Wound
With the advent of social media, many of us found ourselves thrown into the crosshairs generally saved for the elite. We’ve been, as a society, grappling for years with what to share publicly and what to keep private.
How to combat this wound: social media should be a fun way to connect with the world. Before you post, ask why you are posting, what you are looking to have fulfilled. Practice not so actively curating yourself. I’ve started to let myself post on stories more instead of being like no, I don’t need to share this, I will let myself if I want to. It’s about determining your own boundaries for what you feel comfortable sharing and sticking to your guns. If you post too much, consider a social media detox. You can say, “It’s okay to keep things to myself, because keeping things to myself keeps negative energy away from the things I’m working to manifest. It’s okay to share this post just because I want to. It doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning.”
Gender Wound
This is probably one of the biggest collective lessons we are seeing play out. For a long time, gender norms have been used as a way to control and shame people and to keep them in little tiny approvable boxes. To force them to be what society says is right. Now more than ever, we have taken back our power to say, I don’t care about society, I have to do what is right by my soul.
How to combat this wound: think about how you perform gender and what that means to you. It doesn’t have to be as drastic as shifting pronouns but it can be! It could also be simply recognizing, for example, that as a woman you have been taught to be less assertive and instead you now focus on asserting yourself. Maybe as a man, you were conditioned to not express emotions, especially with other men, but you decide to start being more open with your friends. You can say, “Just because I was taught this is how people like me are supposed to act doesn’t mean that belief is serving me anymore. I let it go with love and light.”
Religion Wound
Another human created construct that has been used to control the masses is religion. A lot of us have been directly harmed by the religion we were raised in. Personally, I was raised as a Christian and was indoctrinated with shame, so much shame through the concept of sin, being inherently flawed for merely existing, and that I’m meant to let a man lead. I’ve rebuked those concepts and do not subscribe to Christianity anymore, and most of the people I know who are still religious like the community of it and have had to redefine that religion for themselves in order to still engage with it.
How to combat this wound: Examine what beliefs and ideas were instilled in you around religion and spirituality, examine whether these are still things you believe. Begin to shift your perspective around these concepts. You can say, “I appreciate all that this religion has shown me about myself but I no longer need to subscribe to a system that oppresses me.”
Abundance Wound
Many of us have been indoctrinated with the idea that we are limited. And honestly, in this economy, we are limited. As a collective we are still subscribing to a lack of abundance. Abundance isn’t just financial, but also the idea that there isn’t enough love to go around, enough money, enough time, enough success, etc. It gives you a reason to be productive and work your job if you inherently believe you don’t have enough money, and for many, you don’t because many of us aren’t paid enough to truly be able to survive. If you’re told there isn’t enough for everyone it creates competition which creates a dynamic that forces people to abandon their boundaries to stay ahead. This is part of why I think a class warfare is brewing.
How to combat this wound: challenge the thought that there isn’t enough to go around, when you can, share with others, like I always tip well to spread abundance with others and to indicate to the universe I believe in abundance for myself. Look at your wounding around money and see how you can heal those ideas. You can say, “There is no competition, since my life is unique, I am unique, and there is no comparison. There is enough love and joy and abundance to go around and I release any beliefs to the contrary.”
Authenticity Wound
Another major wound that ties into perfectionism, boundaries and lovability. Many of us compromise who we truly are in pursuit for social acceptance. Our brains are still hardwired to want to fit in with the group because in years past, isolation from the group meant certain death. These days, being alone doesn’t really mean you will die, but studies show that loneliness can have a negative impact on life expectancy. The problem is many of us can’t form true connection because we are not being our authentic self. That’s how we are more connected than every but we also feel more alone than every before. Your tribe can’t find you when you’re acting like someone else. Many of us don’t even know who we are authentically because we’ve been acting like someone else for so long, since this indoctrination begins in childhood. Being your unabashed self is the most rebellious choice you can make in the face of a society that values conformity.
How to combat this wound: think about ways you can be more authentic and where you are hiding yourself to make others feel more comfortable, where you are compromising your true expression and evaluate ways you can better live in your own truth. You can say, “I love myself enough to show people who I truly am. Those who are meant to be in my life will accept me and those who aren’t will easily fall away.”
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Now I just want to say, I know that many in this world can’t even focus on these wounds because they are literally surviving day in and day out and I don’t want to act like I’m not aware of this because I am. It’s hard to care if you’re lovable when you are trying to figure out how to pay your bills and get out of debt or get food. I was living in this energy for a long time. A lot of us in the west have most of our basic needs met and it allows to focus on the next level up. I believe that those of us who have the privilege to focus on more collective issues in these ways have the power to lift others up with us, to get more people out of survival mode and that is our responsibility to ourselves and others to work on these issues to bring the collective consciousness forward. That’s part of why people with more collective missions have so many of their needs met by life.
