#loveandsalt

[withloveandsalt]

Each part, each sticker, represents and is trying to grow with me. Some faded, colored, and dated.

[withloveandsalt]

I’m so fucking tired.

I just wanted to stop my nausea so I could sleep and instead the meds I was taking to help that dropped my blood pressure so hard that I couldn’t move on my bathroom floor.

I had to crawl to grab a bag of chips and I laid there and sobbed silently while my roommates slept just thinking about how alone I am in this fight.

Alone in my body. Left alone by my friends and even my family and a partner I thought I would have until the end of my days.

A sick feeling just keeps creeping up that I either have to get used to this loneliness or it’ll eat me alive.

And I’m not sure which I would prefer at this point

[withloveandsalt]

Being sick like this brings its own kind of loneliness that’s hard to explain. I’m out of place no matter where I go, it even feels like I’m out of place in my own body

It is just nice to hear when people check up on ME and not my illness

[withloveandsalt]

Chronic Illness Rant

It does truly feel like my life has ended. I can hardly recognize who I am anymore. My body, the people around me, and even how I've been acting. I look in the mirror and all I see is this skinny sickly thing with pale skin and the biggest bags under my eyes. I feel like a prisoner in my own skin. And everyone around me isn't sure what to do with me either. I'm fighting with almost everyone that I love, angry at them and the world. I want things to desperately go back to normal, to feel safe around my safety net, but I feel like I'm sitting in limbo. Put in the waiting room of my own friendships and trying to sit through the pain - both emotional and physical. And now I have doctor's appointments lined up throughout the week. I'm putting together a spreadsheet of my own medical records. I can hardly even work at the easiest office job in the world because of how bad I feel.

I feel like I'm mad. at the world for continuing to spin while I seem to be withering away. There's things happening all over the world, in my own country, that I should be angry about -- passionate about, but all I am is tired. Always tired. And I want to wake up, but I don't know how.

[withloveandsalt]

The Bloom and the Burden

The morning tilts and spills its light

and I lie still in its embrace

counting the spaces between each breath.

Once, I was the first to rise -

spinning, laughing, through the breeze.

Now even the thought of flight

makes my wings sag and ache

I crawl beneath the flowers

that once knew me by name -

Clover, Dandelion, Thistle, and Rue

tower over my pained body now

strangers with familiar faces

their sweet scents threaten

to pull me closer to the edge of answering

The world forgets I was ever a part of it

and I shout into the hollow spaces,

sting at the indifferent breeze

and tremble with a rage too big

for my small, now broken body

But even the fury is heavy

Heavier than my tired, brittle wings

Heavier than the silence that surrounds me

it folds me to dust

and grinds me down while I cry out

into the uncaring dirt below

The world does not slow

The flowers do not bend to my flightless form

for me to rech without hurting

So I will hurt, and I will crawl

not soaring, not racing, not flying

but inching forward

wings dragging, heart stubborn

I will sip what sweetness I can

even if it costs me

even if it aches

Because the flowers,

the fields, the sunlight, the breeze -

they move on and forget

and I --

I will remember them

as I forge a new path beneath

those strange and familiar petals

and try to find a new way of flying

Once more. 🐝

what happens to a busy bee that can no longer fly?

[withloveandsalt]

I have plans, dude. Let me LIVE!!

[withloveandsalt]

Introduction!

Hello!!

I'm Lydia (she/her) and here's a few things to know!! 🐝

I started this blog a few months after I got diagnosed with POTS (postural orthastatic tachycardia syndrome). It is the latest in my line of diagnoses and triggers. I also have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from previous abusive relationships, and PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).

Those aren't the only things about me, and if you want to follow my main blog for the chaos & nerdiness, you can follow me here. But this blog is for chronic illness and I'll try and keep it that way!! 🧂☀️

As of today (4/20/25), I have been sent to the ER about four times. Each time was because I had passed out and lost consciousness for over five minutes. One of the scariest was when I was getting my haircut, I had to step away. I ended up throwing up and passing out in the bathroom and the door had to be broken down for me to be put into an ambulance. Recently, I've gotten my gall bladder removed due to some gall stones they've found in my most previous ER visit.

My friends are struggling with this adjustment to me losing my independence and the trauma of seeing me in so much pain. Having to take my unconscious body and wondering each time if we're going to have to go to the hospital again. Its hard on everyone. One thing I keep repeating "This Is everyone's first rodeo,"

At times, I feel trapped in my own mind and in my own body. So, I'm starting the journey of self discovery. Of trying to figure out who the fuck I am with this illness, and how to start living with it instead of it dragging me along. I'm not even close to figuring out what this will even look like, but I am trying anyway.

I have history of SH and thoughts of ending my life. I've been hospitalized before and after attempts. Both rear their ugly heads during particularly stressful medical episodes. Especially since the hospital that I had gone to on my last attempt ends up being the most consistent hospital I end up in when I have an episode. There's a lot of little triggers and a whole new trauma that comes with being chronically ill, but I have promised myself to never fall that deep in the depression hole every again.

Some things and resources I've been using:

Headway - an app for self help book summaries 🦋

Visible - an app & band to help pace myself & use spoons properly 🥄

Tachymon - watch app to let me know about my crazy heart rate 🫀

My POTS Amazon Wish List

[thegiftofpie]

A fabulous dinner at Love and Salt in Manhattan Beach. Surprises, textures, and flavours. Pillowy gnocchi, crisp pizza. #loveandsalt #manhattanbeach https://www.instagram.com/p/CT1MIAzLfH-/?utm_medium=tumblr