Don't just learn, experience. Don't just read, absorb. Don't just change, transform. Don't just relate, advocate. Don't just promise, prove. Don't just criticize, encourage. Don't just think, ponder. Don't just take, give. Don't just see, feel. Don’t just dream, do. Don't just hear, listen. Don't just talk, act. Don't just tell, show. Don't just exist, live. ~ Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart Based on your likes!#Roy T. Bennett #motivation #realreal #livebig #lovebigger #rabbits #bunny (at Table Rock, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/CdbvsUquHRP-oZD9EFz9afa2S7ETLc7d9Vp7F00/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
But I'm not an artist. If I really were, I'd have a certainty within me even though, perhaps out of modesty, I wouldn't show it...The artist's a being who's different, wounded for life since birth, who finds it hard to be a part of the day-to-day reality. Of course, there are some who extract the best elements from that reality. But noticing it well enough to give it form and transform it into a work of art is the best proof that they haven't been able to become part of that reality. themselves, that they haven't been swallowed up by it. They describe it with such perfection that it's as if they'd broken off a piece of it. What's different about it is what only the great artists achieve: a reality we have always known about and, nevertheless, notice for the first time. ~ Josefina Vicens, The Empty Book #❤️ #lovebigger #saturday (at Table Rock, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/CacsZ_BuTcjmv-Ty8rRVjAVK3DTu1BzS6-WK3U0/?utm_medium=tumblr
Sometimes you need a new perspective. A new angle. A different lens. But does that really help or just blur the things you don’t want to see anymore? Can we really look at something we’ve already seen in a new light?
I’d like to think the answer is yes. Taking a look back on something after having new experiences added to your life files can change your view. Maybe you will feel something new. Maybe you feel the same things but have a different reaction. Maybe you won’t feel anything at all anymore.
Having a new perspective can be empowering, reassuring, and scary. Seeing something in a new light might bring a shock to your system (but in a good way!). My outlook and awareness definitely has changed over time. I am different person, but in a great way. A way I am proud of. I believe even stronger in things. I have opinions on issues I never thought about before. I have stronger emotional connections to ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. I look forward to a new day every day with the possibility of an even newer perspective.
“Acceptance is like a muscle. The more you use it, the easier it becomes.” I heard this quote today and thought it was right on. But can we really feel acceptance for things we don’t understand? Can we truly find acceptance of those who believe things we don’t, fight for things we disapprove of, or behave in ways we find wrong?
I spend nights (many nights) praying that acceptance continues to grow, that more people find it in their hearts to love bigger, and that empathy becomes an everyday lesson for so many. I can’t help but fear for my children. As a parent of a child with special needs this fear can consume you if you let it. I try to remind myself that we promote acceptance in our house everyday all day and my children will carry that with them into the world. They will share this with others. They will set an example and it will be recognized. But how do I prepare them for those who will not accept them or reject these thoughts?
Honestly, I don’t know. All I can do is remind them of my love, our love at home, and the love they have for each other. Never be afraid of who you are. Always defend those who cannot defend themselves. Stand up for what you believe in. Never stop learning.
We are all growing and working to better ourselves every day. It’s ok to change your mind or find a new perspective on something. It’s ok to stick to your values while respecting someone else’s that differs. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to change who you are, it means you are willing to embrace someone different than you.
Embrace the uncertainty ! Today is day 2 of personal 100 day challenge which will be well documented. If it reaches 1 person I’ve done what I intended. #100daychallenge #embraceuncertainty #dreambig #lovebigger #goals #values (at Manhattan, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/BtOIr2DharU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=y70bp949ich5
...and my inability to be nothing but awkward when it comes to any of the above topics.
my body language is usually the dead giveaway that i’m uncomfortable when it comes to all of it.
“what do i do with my hands?” is the question i struggle internally to answer when it comes to situations involving these things
it’s been on my list of prompts to write about since Christmas, but i've been in a writer’s block funk almost all year.
instead of trying to get out of the funk, i recognized it was okay to record my observations mentally and rather than write to share them, enjoy them and just be.
to get lost in the moments.
the little ones.
and the big ones.
without the stress of keeping up with a discipline (writing) i’d spent all last year trying to develop.
these awkward hands
stem my fear of being a mommy.
this fear, i've always instead portrayed in a way that would build me up to look like a R O C K S T A R woman that is driven + motivated to make a difference... but with tunnel vision around the healthcare industry and my career.
really though,
i’m scared.
i always have been.
what am i scared of and why?
1) 24+ years ago when i was diagnosed with type I diabetes, there were limitations to having a healthy pregnancy while living with T1D.
i learned about this as i learned about how to treat my symptoms and live my life.
...and as i learned about how to set expectations.
for myself.
and for others.
while i’ve been very atune to prove that i am limitless (thanks, God!) when it comes to living with my disease, this stipulation from years ago left a hole in my heart that forced me to fill it with other tangible things.
like choosing to plan my career over even acting like i wanted to plan to have kids one day.
“...because if it’s too complicated for me to become a ROCKSTAR mommy one day, i may as well choose to do something that will make a difference some other way,” i told myself.
2) now that i've launched my career, i have to focus to make the impact i want to make.
my goals.
my vision.
...not His goals.
or His vision.
i will either be inadequate at being a mom.
or inadequate at doing my life’s work.
i won’t be efficient enough.
and i’ll take too long.
and now, as I type this, i think to myself,
“who am i to say that THIS IS my life’s work?!”
“what if i’m called to do something different?!”
how do we even begin to figure this out?
3) even if, one day we do have a child, foster a child, or adopt a child, we will be irrelevant at that point and the family won’t care.
this really is a deep rooted fear that i KNOW is silly.
it’s a lie i've been fed by the enemy.
it’s one i've continued to believe because of my experience- with my family and fears that were perpetuated during the darkness of my life in 2017.
again, not HIS experience.
my own.
i felt challenged and pulled to step out of my comfort zone with this, and to share in mission work with nick.
we started seeking ways to give back and test out the waters of parenting when we were blessed with an opportunity with Matvey this summer.
the chance to LOVE someone who didn’t expect it gave me so much joy!
so much that i wanted to share it with others, especially family.
we made this announcement around Christmas last year, but it seemed like no one cared.
again. lies.
there were no questions about our decision.
where it came from.
why we’d chosen this route.
what our plans were.
nothing.
instead, they asked my brother and sister-in-law about when they would have children.
the lies perpetuated jealousy and the yearning for affirmation from family.
and not once did i get it.
have you ever done the right things, only to seek affirmation from the wrong people, like i have just shared?
it’s difficult.
but it happens almost daily, right?
approval syndrome is something our culture thrives on.
G O O D_ N E W S.
no one can affirm us better than God can!
LOVEisBIGGERthanfear
and God doesn’t give us fear.
instead, He gives us hope to battle those fears.
...and look at what He dropped into my world almost two weeks ago:
meet M A T V E Y.
he’s eight years old and lives in Belarus.
he has 3 other brothers and sisters.
he came here with gift boxes of Russian chocolate, and 2 changes of clothes.
he loves cars and wants to be a racecar driver when he grows up.
he doesn’t have cars where he’s from, in Belarus.
he enjoys playing outside and pretending to drive Nick’s jeep.
his critical thinking skills are UNREAL.
he can translate and speak some English and has averaged learning one new word per day by watching us point and listening.
...and he’s taught me way more to life than i ever thought possible in just 2 short weeks with him.
he’s taught me that i can have awkward hands and still be a good mommy... because i have a husband that will fill the gaps and teach me along the way.
he’s taught me that i can pursue my dream career and embark on the journey of mommy-hood...and be a ROCKSTAR at them both.
he’s taught me that i may not ever be ready, but that i must remain steadfast in my faith and “go” when i’m called to.
he’s taught me that people may say things sometimes because there is deep-rooted hurt in their own hearts.
...that they don’t mean it to hurt me... and that i can use these situations to LOVEbigger with them by finding out how they need love...then share it with them.
he’s taught me how to play legos.
and soccer [i was never a soccer player!].
and how to use our own leaf blower.
how to fold and organize my clothes. [he’s REAL particular!]
how to wash the dishes. [he likes to help and doesn’t believe in dishwashers!]
...and that learning how to swim requires two things only:
1) lots of courage
2) and resilience
in just T W O - W E E K S, this boy has changed my perspective on what it means to sacrificially love another human.
not for any return or credit.
but to LOVEbigger, so that he may heal while he’s here...and so that i can heal, too.
[card from Eliana Riviera-Burke] <3
he’s shown me that my life’s work isn’t ONLY healthcare.
that healthcare is definitely a part of it...but he’s shown me that, with a husband as nurturing as mine, our life together will entail a lot more than JUST this.
that i can use my career to reach people and make a big impact.
...and that my life can reflect the same impact in a mini-life, like his.
he’s taught me discipline + grace.
and that the grace we portray each day can make the difference and be part of our purpose...to reach other people, including kiddos.
{shout out to our beautiful niece, Ellee [happy third birthday, sweet girl!] & future Baby Shear!}
on deck
we will definitely keep you updated when the time comes... until then, we are educating ourselves on the fostering and adoption process and staying hopeful that my awkward hands will tone down during Matvey’s stay with us.
batter-up
for now, you can find me loving on my sweet family, including Matvey; planning a big welcome for our future niece or nephew (Baby Shear), staying faithful in pursuance of this DrPH degree & confident that my t1d no longer puts me in the bucket of “unable to live through pregnancy.”
to those of you mommys + daddys, soon-to-be mommys + daddys; to those of you trying, adopting, fostering; to those of you being the best aunts and uncles in the world; and to those of you, like me, who don’t know what the plan is yet...
year 28 was the hardest, but most rewarding year of my life.
it was hard because i didn’t set boundaries.
i fell in the gray
& then flopped into darkness.
i lost a lot of wisdom here,
right before i lost a lot more than that.
thank God it was all temporary.
and all a part of His design.
though it was hard, 28 was rewarding because it was a season of growth, of building trust and of resting in God’s provision for me to step out and do a lot of things in faith- including making my journey from darkness back to light, very public.
the season for me, at 28, was rest.
i don’t think i lost any friends, though i’ve learned that we’re all in different seasons.
some relationships ebb and some flow during different seasons of life.
one relationship that has stayed constant (though dynamic and supportive) is the one i have with God.
i have learned that what you put in (the amount of heart, soul, discipline and commitment), will multiply blessings out.
through my recognition of this, i’ve gained new friends.
the lifelong kind.
the kind that invest their energy into me, like i’ve done for others, only to be disappointed in the outcome.
the kind that chase God and encourage me to do the same.
the ones that challenge me and pray for me.
the ones who uplift me when i’m too stubborn to see that i need uplifting.
the ones who are patient with me- long enough for me to learn on my own and meet them where they are, once i get there too.
these friends (more than those pictured, and all of you) are blessings to me.
you are seeds of joy in my life- regardless of what season you were planted.
thank you for investing in me.
digging in and finding root
over the past couple of months, i’ve continued to step up, dig in, and do it.
i got tired quick.
as many of you recognize, i’ve always been on the go, 1000MPH.
at 28, though, i realized that it’s okay not to be.
it’s okay to recognize the need for rest.
to cut off.
to disconnect.
mine and nick’s relationship was birthed with annual international trips across the world and various other domestic trips sprinkled in.
we told ourselves we’d rather invest in experiences than material things.
with the hustle and bustle of both of our work lives (yes- I just compartmentalized, though I’m not a huge fan of this because I LOVE what I do), 28 became the season with none of that for the two of us.
you see, during year 27, i invested all of my energy into anything and everything beyond our relationship.
leaving me at 28 with no time or energy to invest into travel with him.
so, to ring in 29, nick and i took our first shared trip in over a year and a half.
we used our miles and points to go see a place we’d never seen and do things we’d never done.
beyond the real reason why houston was our destination of choice (our spitball landed there on a map), is the fact that i was reminded by re-reading our vows that life was passing by too quickly…
“…i choose you. to travel to the ends of this earth and smile so wide it hurts with. to challenge, support, inspire and cherish…to share every moment of this life with; for together and now we are richer and we are healthy, but if one day that changes, i’d still choose you to do it with.”
this trip offered a new opportunity to pause + reflect.
27 represented me not choosing nick.
28 meant choosing God first, then nick.
and, just as God’s timing works,
29 will be rooted in God first, nick second...and when time and motivation allows, connecting with people to LOVEbigger, third...and probably some other cool stuff :)
ROI
on our flight home, i recognized that the love i give to others can, in no way, be expected in return. not because the people i love can’t love back, but because the WAY they love is not the same way that i love.
i think this observation of my feelings stems from the growth i’ve had over the past year…it became apparent in discerning who called, texted, posted and sent cards for my birthday- my initial reaction was that HOW you celebrated with me also meant this was HOW MUCH you loved me.
i know that’s not true though, because i know that LOTS of you love me!
you have lives and celebrations (praise God!) and struggles you deal with too.
the love you have for me is not limited because you forgot to share and celebrate with me. i've realized that it’s simply a matter of me not being high-enough on the priority list for you…and the good news is, that’s okay!
…because i am God’s priority...and so are you.
and now, at 29, this confidence in God overflows enough to love without boundaries and not expect anything in return…
it took 28 years to get it, but thank God i did!
...and i hope you have and/or will one day too.
thanks to those of you who’ve taught me how. <3
so- here’s to twenty-nine...and 29 pieces to a new vision and mission for my life...
...because the ROI isn’t the return i gain for my investment, but the return He gains.
my manifesto for year 29
1) LOVE the LORD your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength…and always LOVE what you love without boundaries or limitations…because there is a reason you LOVE what you LOVE so much.
2) dreamBIG. the dreams for developing your life have always been big. they’ve also always been possible. don’t stop dreaming…and don’t stop chasing them. dig in and dream on!
3) LOVEbigger…than your doubts, fears and feelings…and the return on investment.
4) “WHATEVER you do (if it’s work, play, relaxing, leading or loving), do it with ALL your heart, as though you are doing it for the Lord, not men.” –Colossians 3:23
5) set & stick to boundaries so you can do everything you choose to do with ALL of you. don’t fall in the gray zone. stay focused.
6) …but identify which kinds of bright shiny objects (or distractions) set your soul on fire. for these “squirrels,” let your mind and heart wander because it is these bright shiny objects that could be your real calling.
7) because of your faith, be the David against Goliath…remember that all things are possible.
8) SMILE and say YAY a lot. it brings YOU joy, and sometimes it also brings others the same joy. for those whom it doesn’t work for, love them through it and keep saying YAY!
9) be graceful with your words, actions and reactions. you’ve come a long way in this arena- no need to stop now!
10) rest. it’s okay. :)
Matthew 11:28 "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
11) if you want it, ask for it. if not, don’t settle.
12) remember, one foot before the other. baby steps lead to balance.
13) it starts with love and ends with self-control.
14) read. it makes you learn and connect with people in a way that you can’t, otherwise.
15) write. this, too, is a platform for you to connect with people who you may not otherwise connect with.
16) be courageous.
17) pause before you speak and act.
18) be observant. notice when there are opportunities to LOVEbigger...and if they aren’t apparent, create them.
19) remember that you are undefined...but also that you live with a disease that, if uncontrolled, could kill you. don’t take your sweet life for granted.
20) hug people. you know that people up north don’t necessarily like it. do it anyway- science shows it releases endorphins :)
21) dance like nobody’s watching. and if they are, invite them to join.
22) life’s too short to be too serious. laugh lots.
23) lead by example. practice what you preach. <3
24) get in the saltwater at least once a week. it enlightens your spirit and reminds you of blessings.
25) “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” <-- remember this when you lead others. teach them how.
26) never give up hope in anything.
27) whenever you have doubts, be reminded that miracles exist. you are proof.
28) be ALL you. it’s beautiful.
29) stand firm + shine on.
+1 to grow on...
30) eat cake.
also:
please note that the promise of 29 includes some good news, still in development... but i can feel it in my bones + i’m trusting the BIG MAN on this one!
the changes in the pipeline are pretty radical.
so stoked to share in them with all of you!!!
...to each of you- thank you for being a part of my journey. <3
