#lovepotsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

I’ve lost my way again. I’m slowly finding a path back to the best I’ve ever been. I’m tired of giving up on myself. I think it’s my year for good things. I have so many good things happening for me, one negative shouldn’t put all the positive out of my mind.

I’m tired, but I’m fighting. I’m not done yet.

I have so much to do.

Love,

Potsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

I started doing yoga. I was doing cardio, but it was hard to breathe, so I switched it up. I like doing yoga. I realized I’m not as flexible as I used to be, but I’m going to keep improving. I have to, or else I’ll lose my mind.

I’m on anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer now. It’s helped more than I thought it would. I didn’t even realize I needed a mood stabilizer. But I’m doing okay with the knowledge that more was wrong with me than I thought. I don’t let it define me like I usually would. I have mental illnesses, but they aren’t who I am. They’re part of me, but like I said, they don’t define me.

I hope there are better things that define me. I couldn’t tell you what they were.

I realized something else. I am a liar. I lie to my friends about how I’m feeling. I’m trying not to anymore, since being honest is a key part of friendship, but it’s harder than I thought.

My cardiologist said I’ve got you under control. That I’m doing much better. I feel better. I hope it stays that way as the October slide approaches. If all my efforts are for nothing yet again, I may need more help than ever.

I think that covers everything for now.

I think I’m doing better than I ever was.

Love,

Potsis

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

I am afraid of the heat. I have been for years. I hate the stifling feeling, the way it drains me to the point where I just want to cry.

I miss the cold despite it also ruining everything I worked for.

I hate the heat.

Love,

Potsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

I am, in every sense of the phrase, over it. I am tired of myself, exhausted with expelling energy, and getting nothing in return. I am the definition of frustration and aggravation. I am fed up with life and all the things I cannot let go of to save myself.

I want to breathe deeper, feel what’s real, and understand something bigger than pain and depression. I want to feel purpose and be driven to accomplish things.

Love,

Potsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

The doctor told me I’ve got you mostly under control, but I doesn’t feel that way.

I feel strong sometimes, when I realize how far I’ve come over the past decade, but the truth always hits me in the face when I can’t do basic things.

My family doesn’t let me lift things they deem heavy, and maybe they are too much for me to be moving. I try do what I have to, but it’s like I’m wearing a sign.

She can’t do this. Stop her.

Why can’t I get strong? Why don’t I feel improvement the way I should? Why am I met with laughter or doubt when I say I’m strong?

Do my loved ones actually have faith in me, or are they just pretending for me?

Maybe I am the weak link in the chain. Maybe I always will be.

Love,

Potsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

Sometimes I wonder how I made it through this the first time, and I really want to smack myself around for getting sick on top of being chronically ill.

I know I’m doing it differently this time. I don’t have the recumbent bike, and I’ve had to do it all on an elliptical instead of working up to it. I’m trying to cut myself some slack and understand everything I’ve put my body through and that I can’t expect it not be so ... bad at functioning.

I could barely keep my eyes open today at work. It was a real issue. Maybe I should just sleep for most of the weekend.

I feel like this letter is jumping all over the place and doesn’t even make sense. Maybe that’s the exhaustion.

Love,

Potsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

I will never understand myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how many steps backward I’ve taken.

I broke a few promises last week.

I’m afraid to be honest because I don’t want to break their hearts, but I can’t go on not saying anything.

But I can’t tell the truth.

So, I guess I just won’t saying after all. I’ll internalize it’s, just like everything else, ignore it, and let it destroy me from the inside out.

It doesn’t matter, I guess.

This is a life sentence and I can’t break another promise so carelessly.

Love,

Potsie

[lovepotsie]

Dear P.O.T.S.,

There are things I will never understand.

There are things no one explains.

There are things I want to say, but I have no words for it.

I’ve been this lost before.

Love,

Potsie