Misophonia: my journey with loving and hating sound
It was about a month ago now, in early Feb 2015 that a friend of mine posted an article with a picture of someone with their hands covering their ears in disgust. The image spoke to me, for obvious reasons, which I will share in a moment. This article was about something I have struggled with for almost my entire life, but not had any understanding of what was happening with me. I saw doctors and therapists about it- and the closest thing anyone ever gave me was “ultra sound sensitivity”. Ok, so I have incredible hearing. I hear frequencies most humans do not necessarily, and I am very sensitive to sounds in general. Cool for the musician me, and not so cool for the every day gal trying to just be alive in a world full of sounds which are not always beautiful.
It’s called misophonia. Misophonia is “a physical malfunction of the central nervous system or the brain”* That article my friend put up on facebook that day could literally have been written about me- the types of sounds, the way it effects the person, the age in which it begins... it was all there. The craziest thing was: it WASN’T written about me! This article was written because it has been recently discovered just what a high percentage of people struggle with this “disorder” or “gift” as I put it (it has actually been called a disease but I refuse to see it this way).
I am a breathing contradiction. I know. Music, sound, the LOVE and NEED for sound is what keeps me alive, actually. When I hear sounds that please me, I am transported to such immense bliss- the only way to explain it would be a godly state. When I am making or performing music, I am in a direct state of connection with that “godly” state. It is heaven for me. I love love love music. I live for it.
And also, sound- some very particular sounds I might say, have been such a painful and confused path for me. So much of my life has been a struggle in this regard... a kind of running away from these sounds, sort of building my life in a way in which I would not need to face them. I did not feel there was a reason to face these issues because frankly, I thought I was a weirdo. I thought I was incredibly neurotic (ok, I am), and just very particular, and in many ways alone in my very odd issues.
It’s like so many things though: step one, the realization, is only the very beginning. From here the healing journey begins and I cannot even explain how terrifying, and painful, and uncomfortable this has been.
I want to hide away, I want to keep this secret so very secret so that no one will know just how weird I really am. I want to heal this all on my own and then pop up on the other side all better and perfect. But for the power of healing, transparency, and in support of all the other people out there who are having the same epiphany that they too have this journey in their lives, I have decided to share this openly. We all have our struggles in life- some are more common and easy to understand, and some we can pin as “strange”. No matter, this is me, this is one of my big struggles and I’m happy to say I am looking at what seems like a big wall in front of me, but I’m ready to enter it, and get to the other side.
Somehow this “diagnosis” or label, has given me a freedom to the first step in healing. It has taken me away from the neurotic musician artist (ok fine, i’m still neurotic- by hey, that makes me ME, right?!), and the potentially sometimes weirdo roommate, or partner, or slumber party escapee, to something that makes so much sense. No, I’m not just sensitive! No, I’m not making this up. This is real, and it hurts, and it’s uncomfortable, and best of all... I’m about to break through it.
Unfortunately there is not yet a “cure” for this thing, mostly though because it is such a recent discovery. I trust that with blogs like this, and all the other articles now being written about it, alot more research can be out into it. I have found through my online hunting a couple of people who say they have had success healing some patients, mostly through CBT and other types of neural reprogramming techniques and therapies. I am now seeing a hypno therapist who is doing some of this type of work with me which has been immensely uncomfortable, but has been such an incredible blessing to have someone by my side in this odd and incredible journey.
So there. That’s me. Neurotic: yes. Passionate: yes. Lover of sound: yes yes yes. Raw, tender, open, and honest to be facing something terrifyingly unique and uncomfortable, yes. And committed to healing and looking back on this: yes.
*(Misophonia definition taken from http://www.misophonia-association.org/)