#loving devotion

[blu3mila]

choked on rage and bliss

[smlmsworld]

Chapters: 12/20 Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America - All Media Types

Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Vasily Karpov, Peggy Carter/Gabe Jones, James "Bucky" Barnes & Howling Commandos Members Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Timothy "Dum Dum" Dugan, Gabe Jones, Jim Morita, James Montgomery Falsworth, Jacques Dernier, Peggy Carter, Howard Stark, Arnim Zola, Vasily Karpov, Steve Rogers, Rebecca Barnes Proctor, Angie Martinelli, Chester Phillips, Winifred Barnes, Dottie Underwood, Johann Fennhoff Additional Tags: Howling Commandos Family (Marvel), Protective Howling Commandos (Marvel), Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Human Experimentation, Prisoner of War, Torture, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Inappropriate Humor, Everyone Is Unhinged, Body Horror, Panic Attacks, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Rewrite, Winter Soldier Handler Vasily Karpov, Not Agent Carter (TV) Compliant, Cold War, Red Room (Marvel), Red Room, Self-Harm

Series: Part 12 of The Man on the Bridge Summary:

The Howling Commandos can reluctantly, spitefully, and maliciously comply with most of SHIELD’s more questionable decisions, but the sudden appearance of Vasily Karpov on the scene lights a fire of vengeance that puts them on a collision course with the newly commissioned Winter Soldier.

Canon Divergence AU Set post-WWII.

Chapter 12

Snippet:

"I know you're trying to protect me," Steve is saying, "and I appreciate it. But I need to know what they did to him. All of it."

"I understand," Peggy's voice is gentle but firm. "Some of it is... difficult to hear. Hell, all of it. I can’t… there are no words for the worst of it.” Peggy continues. "What was done to him... it was systematic, thorough. The kind of torture that reshapes the very foundation of a person."

"I know that," Steve says, frustration evident. "I can see it. What I don't know is the details. Who did this to him? How? And why are they not all dead already?"

“Zola is,” she assures him.

“Zola?” Steve explodes. “What the fuck is Zola doing here?”

♥♥♥

[sunday-12-25]

it's a lesson in humility. i thought with how busy n focused i was on the pet thing, i wouldn't have eyes for any other wips. lol. lmao! it started as a fun lil side-story, but now that it's been a couple weeks, i see how much i think/talk about it and i feel DREAD. DREAD!!!!

i have 11/15 chapters of the pet thing drafted. the remaining 4 are planned out. 2 chapters are already posted. i have. sigh. i have faith in myself and my dedication. i *will* see this through. it's okay for it to take time.

....and in the meantime. i did put together a rough draft for the new idea. it would be smaller, a one-shot... it's uh. about kyojuro getting discharged from the corps due to his injuries and... becoming an SM dominatrix.

i kind of really want to do it cuz i can see the soul/concept of the thing clicking already. identity through fetish, SM as a synonym for love... and masking. oh so much masking!

i watched Salo sometime last year, and it's been so incredibly inspiring in this regard that i had to fight to keep my mouth shut about it. guess i'm opening it now, if for just a little bit, but i found the movie so incredibly fascinating from the high-masking autistic perspective. tracking the power dynamics, judging the performance of the victims. thinking ''oh, she let herself cry about it, what a rookie mistake. doesn't she know that it would only turn them on more!"

then thinking "oh but at least that makes her true to her self, doesn't it? true to her emotions, as if showing her pain openly is something they can't take away from her. she CAN cry sincerely, still!"

then thinking "oh but if she really was true to her self and her feelings, she would've killed herself long ago. rookie mistake!"

you get what i'm saying? it's incredibly fascinating, no matter how intentional... and it's just one example, and of failing, at that. there's a companion archetype to the rookie victims: the prostitutes

that the role for kyo i've built up is mirroring theirs, and i only realized it recently. which, fuck, i wish i could express how much it shook me. made me laugh? made me go "damn, you really can never be free. you escape your prison only for your own self to start haunting you! lol!"

anyway, i think they're just the epitome of masking. or like... the gold standard that i reached for as a kid. so much pain and filth and pleasure, all of it inescapable. the illusion of power they posses, power that can be taken away at any time-- their skill? to smile through it all as if that has been in the plan all along.

it's so distinctly feminine! how you never even thought about dreaming of power itself, just the perfect way to exist while being crushed! it's so beautiful! i want to force a hypermasculine person into this position!!!!!

[blu3mila]

some notes on Kyojuro and Zhar!

Zhar (she/he) is an oc-level alter ego i developed for Kyojuro: older, discharged from the corps, and entirely disillusioned. A bigender SM dominatrix to lead in 120 Days of Loving Devotion!

The full name Zharyshche (Згарище) is the Ukrainian word for conflagration, particularly the burnt land left after. Zhar alone stands for heat💥

[sunday-12-25]

writing a comment and suddenly seeing my last 1.5 years very clearly

[xxhopelessly-devotedxx]

I was not made for normal love, I was made for soul crushing devotion

[sunday-12-25]

Wrote down a draft for one of the loving devotion chapters just now, and ahhh!

It's fucking good, conceptually solid and intriguing, making the whole project seem doable! even if in draft-only format, I'm very happy with the idea and the skill and whatnot. Yet I'm also sitting here like....

how did I end up like....... This