I would like everyone to know that the characters mentioned and the discussions regarding Dungeons and Dragons are based on yours truly and some of the crazy campaigns I’ve played.
Mature SFW, due to language and suggestive adult banter.
⁂
Diligence ducked down even further, while Cop, whose back had been to the window Lust indicated, spun around. Wrath knocked his chair over in his haste to join him--afterwards, you were grateful he didn’t just vault over the table--and you got to your feet as well.
“Jesus christ!” Wrath shouted, peering through the curtains. “It’s fucking Envy, skulking around out there!”
You hurried to the door while everyone else began collecting themselves and righting everything.
“Envy!” you said, holding the door open. “You gave everyone a heart attack!”
“I’m sorry . . .” he whimpered, from the far end of the porch. “I just . . . you were all having such a-such a good time, and I wanted to see it . . . I wish I . . .”
As his voice trailed off, you said, “Come in, okay? You hanging around out here is creepy.”
“I-I-I . . . I wish . . .” he repeated, and slunk forward.
He was wearing his human-suit, you saw, which made him look a little more Rick-like. You were internally grateful for that, even if the stitches looked a bit pulled and stretched tight.
“Come on,” you offered. “There’s stuff to eat and drink, and there’s one more seat available--”
“I don’t want to play,” he disagreed. “I just want to-to-to sit and pretend that all you are my friends, and this is my party, and you’re having a good time . . .”
“Sure, sure,” you consoled him as you ushered him in so you could shut the door again.
Envy continued to slink around the perimeter of the room, gazing wistfully at everything and declining to sit down, even though there was an empty chair between Diligence and Cop. He ended up in the living room on the couch, sinking into the cushions while watching everyone in that forlorn and plaintive way of his. You were all used to his behavior and went back to actually starting tonight’s session.
It wasn’t long into it--everyone finally decided to head back into the village to purchase more supplies; Wrath hoped out loud there would be hobgoblins or orcs that would ambush their group as they went through the forests--before the timer on the oven went off.
A potential intruder didn’t move Gluttony, but the potential of brownies did. The massive Rick pushed his chair back, shaking the table, making all the figures Diligence had set out so carefully tumble over.
“Hey!”
Gluttony didn’t care about that, but the rest of the table did, so you quickly jumped up to keep the whole situation from disintegrating.
“I’ll go get the brownies, okay, Glut?” you said, to placate everyone. “Just stay here!”
Lust popped up to help, saying, “Just keep walking through those woods, darlings! Imagine that the two bards are serenading you! Officer Sanchez, my bard is checking out your Paladin’s ass in that skin tight leather he likes to wear!”
Cop groaned but Lust blew him a kiss and followed you into the kitchen. He grabbed the bottle of wine the Officer had brought and wine glass, and filled it almost full before hopping up and sitting on the counter while you opened the oven door and tested the baked goods for doneness. Finding some oven mitts after a second’s rummaging in a drawer, you removed the two pans of brownies that’d been baking.
“I saw how you were looking at Patrick, and touching his lower back when he arrived? That’s bold . . .” he teased, taking a sip of his wine and watching you slyly.
“Patrick?”
“Patience Rick, silly! Pat. Rick. Isn’t that clever?”
You hummed a non-committal answer and bumped the oven door shut with a hip, setting the hot pans on the stovetop.
Lust eyed you. “And you let him use your die! That’s some serious stuff, right there--one of your cardinal rules is that no DM touches your dice!”
You shrugged like it was no big thing, even though in previous sessions you’d been extremely vocal and made it very clear you had some superstitions about Dungeon Masters touching your dice. You defended your actions by saying, “Glut took everyone’s dice! He needed one for a moment!”
“You should totally fuck him.”
“Lust, what?! Shh!” you exclaimed, scandalized.
No one from the other room asked what was going on, or seemed to hear, which you thought was good.
“Shut up!” you hissed at him. “What if he hears you?”
“So you do want to fuck him?” Lust asked, licking his lower lip.
You tried to maintain a neutral, deadpan expression as you replied, “That is none of your business.”
“Hmmm,” the Sin Rick responded. “Baby, I am pretty sure it is.”
You rolled your eyes and found a plastic spatula to cut one pan of brownies. “What about you?” you asked, deflecting. “You grabbed Cop’s crotch! You know he has a girlfriend, right?”
Lust laughed low in his throat and crossed his legs. There was a faint whisper as his stockings rubbed together. “You know I think everybody should fuck, right? I seriously thought this whole D&D thing was just a front for a big ol’ orgy at first. Did you know that?”
You hadn’t.
“Huh. Well, anyway--you should totally jump on his dick. He doesn’t wear any underwear, so it’d be quick and easy to--”
“Are the brownies done?!” Gluttony bellowed from the other room.
“Yes! We’ll be right in!” you called back. To Lust you said, “How do you know he doesn’t wear underwear--you know what? Never mind that. You just keep your lips zipped about what you just said. Okay? Not. One. Word.”
Lust cocked one plucked eyebrow.
“What if I let your bard sleep around with the next NPC that shows any interest? Okay? I didn’t mean to take that goatherd, Patience just escalated the conversation we were having when I went to his farm to buy a goat . . .”
Lust let the weight of those words--that Patience himself created an encounter between a character he was playing and yours, resulting in an adult sleepover--sink into you, to prove his point. You shook your head and repeated your offer to let his bard have the choice of next sexual encounter in exchange for his silence.
“I suppose,” Lust sighed dramatically, and pushed himself down from the counter. He took your waist and rocked his pelvis into you as you juggled the pans to take them back to the other room, and leaned down closely to whisper in your ear, “Patrick’s got a different body type than me, but this’d be a good position, wouldn’t it?”
You giggled with embarrassment and moved out of the hedonistic Sin’s grasp. “Knock it off, Lust!”
“Just helping to stoke that fire, baby,” he replied saucily.
As you expected, he didn’t help carry anything except his own wine glass back to the group.
You set one full pan of brownies on a tray table beside Gluttony and told everyone else the pan you cut was for them.
Finally, finally, the game started up in earnest. It was the same as every other time the group got together: decisions on what to do next, ragging on each other’s characters, ridiculous ideas for getting out of scrapes, barely organized chaos when it came to encounters, lots of bickering and laughing. Everyone ate and drank too much, thanks to Gluttony’s influence. Diligence kept things moving along and was the first to answer any questions about the rules. He also helped with adding modifiers to any dice rolls.
At one point Cop’s Paladin was coerced into joining an evil cult, forcing a realignment that pissed him off and everyone else to yell at him out of character for making stupid decisions.
Patience did some quick recalculations and told Cop his character needed to do some major atonements before his god would grant absolution and allow his Paladin to have lawful good alignment again. The rest of the group decided to storm the tower he was in, with the pretense if they all destroyed the cult that would be a good first step in helping get him back on the right track.
It took several hours and multiple combat encounters--plus some incredible luck with the dice--to pull it off, but you all managed to literally blow the cult’s tower up and defeat all its members.
During the climax of the battle, when it wasn’t a sure thing that everyone in the party would get out of the crumbling tower on time, Envy snuck in and sat at the table between Cop and Dil, as if he were part of the group.
Even though the whole thing was done on paper and through collaborative role-playing, it was exhausting.
At the end, Patience sat back in his chair and told you all there was no way any of that should have worked.
You all took his incredulous, mild amazement as praise.
“That’s why you’re the best DM!” you complimented him. “You just roll with whatever crazy thing we decide to do!”
Lust pinched your thigh under the table and smirked. You knew he loved that it looked like you were flirting, but you ignored it.
Diligence suddenly realized the time.
“Oh crap--I’ve gotta go! I picked up an extra shift and have to be at work at six tomorrow morning. Why did we start so late? Why did we get together on a Saturday?!”
He stood up, and that was everyone’s cue that this get together was over. Dil started fretting that he should help clean up, but he really needed to run, but it wasn’t right that everyone pitched in except him, but he wasn’t going to get enough sleep if he didn’t go--
Laughing and insisting it was all right that he didn’t help, you helped guide him out the door. Cop mentioned that he needed to go too, and offered to give Dil a police escort so he could get home sooner, if that made him feel better.
Gluttony left the actual clean up to everyone else and took care of the leftover snacks and drinks. He and Wrath left next; Glut suggested a nightcap at the local dive bar and his fellow Sin Rick didn’t disagree. Envy followed you around like a lost dog as you gathered all the dirty dishes and took them into the kitchen. He didn’t help--you didn’t expect him to--and eventually Lust wandered in as well, and found him crouched in a corner, watching you.
“V, come on! Stop being creepy, okay? It’d be different if you were doing some voyeuristic thing, but there’s nothing going on here--yet!--so you’re just making things awkward!” he chided as he marched over and grabbed Envy by the upper arm.
“I didn’t mean to--what did you mean, yet? I don’t mean to b-b-be creepy, I just like to see a n-normal life, like hers--” Envy tried to explain.
“Who’s making things awkward?” you said pointedly to Lust at the same time.
He twittered and winked. “Patience is the last one here, so . . .”
“We’re still here,” Envy pointed out.
“Nope, V-sweetie, we’re showing ourselves out,” Lust replied, hauling him up. To you he said, “Baby, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do--which means the sky’s the limit!”
You groaned and followed them to the front door. Patience was finishing organizing the last of the player’s manuals for you and his notes. Lust made a rudely suggestive gesture involving his hand and mouth behind the Virtue Rick’s back for your benefit. You flipped him off, to which he replied aloud,
“That is a fine option too, baby!”
Patience turned, and Lust smiled at him. “Excellent management of our campaign, as always, Patrick! I think we got lucky tonight. Maybe you will too!”
While you felt a blush rise on your cheeks, Patience looked puzzled. Lust giggled and kissed him on one cheek, then the other, then made his exit with Envy reluctantly in tow. The stitched Sin Rick kept his eyes on you and Patience as long as he could, before the door came between him and you.
“Thanks for hosting,” Patience said.
“Thanks for coming over,” you replied. “You really are the only one who has, ahem, the patience for all the craziness this party does.”
He gave you a smirk, like that pun was something he heard all the time. “It does seem like most of the ideas the party comes up with shouldn’t actually work. And most of the plans I have for different sessions take hard right turns. So I keep things flexible since you all fly by the seat of your pants.”
You laughed and he laughed with you. There was a little discussion about when the group was going to get together again as Patience started for the door. You followed him, your hand straying to his lower back again. You blushed horribly, imagining what Lust would say, but Patience didn’t mention it. You wished him good night, and locked the door behind him after he left.
The house was quiet now. There were still some things left to put away, but you decided it could wait until morning. It’d been a fun night playing Dungeons and Dragons, as always. No matter what Lust suggested, you were content with that, for now.
