Will sell you my left kidney for more analysis of Daddy kink lwc bc I don’t think I’ll ever get over chpt 17. The way Shane keeps pulling away and fighting just to make sure Ilya will still come after him, the way a child storms out of a room just so someone will follow them. Everything so fucked about that dynamic and them both choosing it over and over bc nothing else makes them feel that way. The grabby hands. Ilya holding him on the dock because no one ever just held him for long enough. Fuck.
please do not give me your kidney, i will give you the analysis for free. throughout the fic we see shane being infantilised by pretty much everyone around him, but in very different ways. yuna's version is purely transactional, concerned with his career and public image, with the actual emotional care conspicuously absent. hayden's is conditional, expressed only when shane behaves in ways that fit the version of him hayden has decided to understand. so shane craves this dynamic, desperately, but nobody in his life has ever been able to deliver it in a way his body can actually receive.
and because he's been starved of it for so long, when it does come, he doesn't know what to do with it. imagine being taken to a buffet after years of famine, you wouldn't know where to start, and if you did manage to eat, you'd probably get refeeding syndrome. so he pushes people away, fights, throws tantrums. screams at his parents, tells hayden and j.j to fuck off, doesn't communicate with rose. part of that is genuine overwhelm. but part of it is also testing, checking how far he can push before they give up on him. and so far, everyone has. which is why he likes to be a brat, storm off, throw things, run, because he likes to be chased. he likes the confirmation that ilya will follow regardless. the problem, of course, is that it becomes almost impossible to distinguish between shane actually saying no and shane just playing. i think even he doesn't know. and ilya doesn't care, it's the same thing either way for him.
because ilya has a thing with chasing. growing up, he couldn't trust the words coming out of his mother's mouth, couldn't take "no" or "get away from me" at face value, and learned instead to give people what he'd decided they needed. boundaries are a vague concept for him with the people he loves. he thinks he knows them better than they know themselves. and what's more validating than when shane curls into his arms after ilya refused to listen? beyond all of that, ilya parents shane. like it's not just a sex thing for them. the lake is baptism. surviving a suicide attempt leaves you in an extraordinarily regressed, childlike space, very pliant, your whole worldview cracked open. and ilya steps into that space the same way his mama did in his hallucinations in chp 15, not just physical care, no, he basically says "shane, the world works like this now."
Soulmate AU: Your vision is in black and white until you meet your soulmate. You and your boyfriend, Steve Rogers, aren’t each others soulmates but you love each other. He introduces you to his friends, the Avengers, and a very odd thing happens.
Characters: Steve Rogers x Plus Size Female Reader, Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Female Reader
Warning: mentions of blood, swearing, vomiting (not in any great detail but it’s there), angst, anger
Note; this is so long omg sorry for how long it took to write! been too busy!! xx
After you and Bucky had left, Steve threw himself into taking down Hydra. Paired up with Sam Wilson and Natasha Romanoff and with all of SHIELD at their disposal, they began to take down as many Hydra bases as possible. It reminded him of the 40s and the Howling Commandos except this time, Steve had a lot more to lose. They had successfully infiltrated and cleared three bases but they didn’t have one bit of information on Rumlow and his goons. It always seemed like a ‘one step forwards, two steps back’ scenario with Hydra always out in front. Thing was, you never knew who worked for Hydra, hell, Steve came to realise that probably half of SHIELD were Hydra agents and it became a game of ‘is this a real lead or just one to throw us off?’. It was a slow moving process and Steve truly didn’t know if it would ever come to an end. He was hopeful that someone would slip up, release a piece of information that would allow them to get ahead of Hydra but that still hadn’t happened yet.
Even without any results or progress, Steve continued to throw himself wholly into taking down Hydra because it was the only thing that distracted him from thinking about you. Steve knew that Natasha and Sam whispered behind his back about the ‘what if’s. Steve knew that they thought it had been downright stupid to send you off with your soulmate. Everyone knew what would happen. Steve couldn’t focus on it, if he thought about it too long he would break so instead, he focused on taking down Hydra and finding Rumlow. It’s all that he could do. He was the one that had gotten you into this mess and he would be the one to get you out of the mess even if that meant you would fall in love with Bucky, his best friend.
When he had gotten the phone call from Bucky, telling him that Hydra had managed to find you, he felt like punching a brick wall until his hands were bones and blood. Steve was terrified that they would find you again before they could get to you but luckily, Nat managed to get the jet there quickly. Steve hadn’t stopped thinking about that phone call, you were okay but shaken up. What had happened? Bucky wouldn’t tell him on the phone and Nat never knew anything either. With Sam’s help, they finished the preparations for you coming home. Would you even want to come home with him? Steve had no idea. He didn’t know what had happened between you and Bucky and when he saw the way you interacted with each other in the hospital, his heart had sank but the way you rushed up to him, a mess of tears and smiles made him feel a lot better. You had gladly went home with him, gladly let him hold you and feel you but... Steve could feel something was off.
He had just finished making you and him some pasta, a simple yet comforting meal, when he walked into the bedroom to grab some blankets. That’s when he saw the letter; the letter that he’d written to you in case you developed feelings for Bucky. Steve Rogers was the eternal optimist, always choosing to believe the best outcome and he was in blissful ignorance until he saw that letter. It was sitting on the bed, must’ve spilled out from the bag that had been dumped on the bed. He picked it up, seeing the envelope torn open with the letter creased and crinkled meaning that it had been read, in fact it had been well read. That confirmed his worst fear. The fact that it looked well-read meaning you hadn’t just simply gotten curious and read it once, no, you’d been conflicted and read it over and over again... It felt like a punch to the gut, hitting him hard, causing him to take a step back and fall to sit on the bed.
“You okay?” You asked as you walked into the bedroom after being in the shower to see him sitting on the bed, silent and unmoving.
“You opened it,” Steve said quietly, “You opened it...” The illusion was well and truly shattered.
You stopped. Staring at the letter in his hands with the saddest expression as your eyes filled with tears. The silence was deafening. Steve had wanted you to tell him that Bucky meant nothing to you but that never came, instead you couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Your palms began to sweat as you stared at the letter in his hands and your heart began to race again. You were terrified. You didn’t know how Steve would react knowing that you’d opened it and knowing that you felt something for Bucky. You didn’t know what to say; this wasn’t something that could be easily fixed. Steve would rightly want answers and he deserved them, you had just selfishly wanted more time to figure your head and heart out.
Steve’s mind whirred. He wanted to be upset, wanted to be selfish and wanted you to tell him that you felt nothing for Bucky but he knew that he couldn’t do that. He knew that you hadn’t asked for any of this, he knew that you never wanted any of this to happen. It had been him that wanted to send you away with Bucky as your protector, if anything it was Steve’s fault. What did he really expect? That you and Bucky would stay in separate rooms and only see each other when discussing groceries? No, of course not. Of course the two of you would bond and grow close and with a traumatic event such as this one, that would only push you closer together. Steve had been living in blissful ignorance and now, all of those illusions were shattered around him.
“Did anything happen between the two of you?” Steve’s voice was level, almost too steady. He clenched his jaw, not actually wanting to hear the answer, but he had to know. He needed to know where you stood.
Quickly, you shook your head, “No. I wouldn’t do that to you, Steve. Nothing happened between Bucky and I.” There was a slight relief in hearing that despite feelings being there, nothing happened between the two of you, “Steve... I’m sorry.” What were you supposed to say? You really didn’t know.
He shook his head, “It’s not your fault. It’s not Bucky’s fault either. Neither of you asked for this, I just... it was selfish of me to expect you to come home and things would go back to normal.”
As you looked at Steve, you made a snap decision. You knew that you had feelings for Bucky, you refused to say the ‘L’ word, you had very strong feelings for him but Steve... you were in love with Steve. Steve Rogers taught you the meaning of the word ‘love’. Steve taught you that even though the two of you weren’t soulmates, it didn’t mean that your love was any less real or intense than that of soulmates; it didn’t mean that you and Steve weren’t soulmates. You truly believed that you and Steve were soulmates and you didn’t need colour vision to know that. Your decision was made; Steve Rogers was the man you loved, Bucky Barnes had been a matter of convenience and coping.
You crouched down in front of him, taking the letter from his hands and placing it on the bed beside him, “Steve... why can’t things go back to normal?” You asked him, “I mean, what happened when Bucky and I were away... it won’t be like that anymore. I missed you and he was just... he was there. Steve, when I saw you at the hospital, all I could see was you. It’s you, Steve.”
His breath tickled your cheeks as he looked at you, he really looked at you. He believed you, he believed that you thought you could just move past it all, “We’ll have to see Bucky, you know. We can’t shut him out. He’s going to be a permanent part of our lives.”
“I know,” you nodded, “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I...” you tried to pick your words carefully so as to not rub salt in the wound, “What I feel for him, I don’t really know what it is. I won’t lie to you Steve, I have feelings for him but I don’t know if they’re feelings of convenience or real, genuine feelings.” As you looked at him, your confidence in yourself began to fade, “I’m sorry, Steve... I really tried to stay away, I really tried to ignore them...” When Steve saw you getting upset, he pulled you up to sit on his knee. He wrapped you tightly in his arms, “I’m sorry,” you whispered as your eyes filled with tears.
“You have nothing to apologise for,” Steve whispered, stroking your back lovingly, “I’m sorry. I knew the risks in sending you away, I’m sorry for expecting so much of you... I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He held you for a while, just enjoying holding you, “I need to ask something of you, something big and I don’t want to rush you but-”
“I’ll tell you everything,” you murmured against his chest with a nod, “You deserve to hear it... Can the Hydra and scary part wait until tomorrow though? We’ll be going to see Fury and tell them everything... I’d rather only relive it the once.”
Steve nodded quickly, “Of course, sweetheart. I don’t want to put you through it more than you need to.” He pressed a gentle kiss to your head, “Just know that you’re safe here, nothing can get you now; I promise.”
A while later, Steve reheated the pasta and the two of you ate it in silence. As much as you wanted things to go back to normal, you knew deep down that things would never be the same again. Lines had been crossed, too much had happened there to ever return to the way things used to be. You began recalling the events of the last three weeks. You began with telling him that the first time you and Bucky had a conversation was on the airplane going to Estonia, “Did you know he’s terrified of flying?” Steve shook his head, “Yeah. He was really on edge. I started chatting to him, talking about the meals on the flight and then a stupid story about my dad and a t-shirt... Ended up buying us those t-shirts actually...” You trailed off, remembering it fondly with a smile. You remembered how Bucky had laughed with you as you looked at the ‘ugliest shirt in the world’. Steve noticed how you smiled as you thought of him.
“Anyway... we got to the cabin and I had tried to put up a picture of me and you. Bucky, honest to god, nearly took my head off. I’d set it near a window and thus ensued our first fight. He told me it couldn’t be in front of the window, yadda yadda… I’m stubborn, he’s stubborn. After storming off and not speaking for hours, I got up and went to get a drink. He’d set the photo up with a really sweet note.”
“What did it say?”
“Just a note to say sorry for freaking out and a compromise,” you shrugged, “It was really nice of him.” You thought for a moment before continuing, “We didn’t speak much for a couple days after that... just the general chat, you know? I passed the time with reading, missing you, crying, even sometimes bird watching... the TV in the living room didn’t get a good signal so it was no use watching that. I think it was the sixth day, seventh?, no sixth day I just snapped. I needed out of the cabin. I got up early and made him take me into town... We found a cute market stall and I got us both blankets and cushions, got a jumper too...”
You paused again as you remembered what happened next, “We went a walk through a park, sat down and we just began to talk. We spoke about you. I asked about what you were like back then, before you were Captain America... back when you were ‘stupid, skinny Steve’.”
Steve broke out into laughter at that, “Bucky said that, didn’t he?” You nodded.
“We spoke about what you were like back then. Bucky couldn’t talk more highly of you. You know that he thinks the absolute world of you, don’t you? Doesn’t matter to him whether you’re pre-serum Steve or Captain America Steve. To him, you’re his absolute everything.” Steve smiled slightly, a small almost kind of sad smile. You didn’t question him about it. Steve was thinking about what you said. When Bucky loved, he loved with his whole heart and Steve knew that the same would be said for you. You would swiftly become Bucky’s everything even if you weren’t with him.
Steve asked you to continue so you did. You told him about going into the bookstore and discovering that the two of you shared the same love for the Hobbit, “We spoke for ages talking about it... After that, Bucky opened up about his nightmares and how he felt... We began to open up to each other...” You trailed off, looking at your fidgeting hands.
“That’s when you opened the letter, isn’t it?” Steve asked you softly.
“Yeah...” You whispered as you nodded, “We’d been slowly opening up and it was after that conversation I realised that I actually cared about him. I read it over and over again, drinking in every single word.”
“What did you think about it?”
“It felt like a goodbye letter almost; like you were letting me go and saying goodbye. I’d almost wished you’d written it the way you said you wanted to, I think had you written it begging me to stay yours, it would’ve forced me not to get to know him as much as I do.”
“But that would’ve been severely unfair... I couldn’t do that to you, you know that.”
There was a detail about that night that you weren’t sure how Steve would take it, “That night, Steve... Bucky had a nightmare. I heard him so I ran in and I sat with him for ages. We spoke a lot about Wakanda and it was like a game of twenty questions almost... I didn’t want to be alone. I was so confused and sad and... I just couldn’t face another night alone.”
Steve sucked in a breath, almost preparing himself for the worst, “What happened?”
“I slept in his bed,” you told him quietly, “Now before you react, Bucky slept on the floor the entire time. He didn’t sleep in the bed once in those three weeks. He was there and I wanted to be close to someone, not sexual or anything like that but I was so sad, Steve... I was so sad and I needed to know that I wasn’t alone.”
“Did anything happen between the two of you that night?” You couldn’t read his expression. He was stony faced but inside, his mind was whirring. You’d slept in his bed, albeit Bucky was on the floor but... still. You knew that you shouldn’t have done it, you didn’t want to give excuses anymore; there wasn’t any reasonable excuse. You’d slept in another man’s bed, with or without him, it crossed a boundary.
You shook your head, “I fell asleep after he read to me.”
“He read to you?” Steve couldn’t understand why hearing that Bucky read to you to make you fall asleep was worse to hear than you sleeping in his bed. Sleeping in his bed while he was on the floor wasn’t too ground-breaking in Steve’s eyes but the intimacy of having Bucky read to you as you fell asleep seemed a lot worse from his perspective. Sure, he wasn’t happy that you slept in Bucky’s bed but it was something he could look past... the reading to you though took him by surprise. It was so intimate, almost too intimate.
You nodded, “He read the Hobbit. I fell asleep really quickly, I don’t even remember him finishing the first paragraph.” You knew that Steve was upset at hearing that, “I’m sorry... I know that I shouldn’t have stayed but... you don’t know what it was like, Steve. I felt so alone and so sad all the time, he was the only thing that kept me distracted long enough to be able to fall asleep. No, I’m not going to sit and make excuses. I shouldn’t have done it and I’m sorry.”
Steve took a minute to let everything sink in, “Do you love him?” His question shocked you and truthfully, it caught you quite off-guard. You’d barely just accepted the fact that you had feelings for Bucky and now the word ‘love’ was being thrown around. You didn’t know if you loved Bucky, you wouldn’t allow yourself to think about it for more than two seconds, afraid of what would come.
You shook your head, “I- No. I don’t love him. I love you, Steve.”
“If you were in love with him or if your feelings for him grew stronger, you would tell me, wouldn’t you?” It wasn’t like Steve Rogers to be scared but he was posed with the very real issue of you potentially loving his best friend more than him and it scared him. Steve didn’t want to lose you but he also didn’t want to force you to be with him or love him more.
You nodded, “I doubt that would happen but yeah, you’d be the first to know.” He seemed to accept that answer, “How are you?”
“I won’t lie, it’s upsetting to hear this stuff but I needed to hear it... I just want to know, sweetheart... what do you want?”
“I want to make this work,” you said, reaching out for him, “Our relationship means so much to me and I know this isn’t the most ideal thing in the world but I want to make this work... if you’ll have me?”
Steve pulled you to him, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead, “Course I want you,” he murmured against your skin, “I’ll always want you, (y/n)... It might take me a while to see past the sleeping in his bed and him reading to you but we’ll be okay.” You were happy with Steve, of course you were, why wouldn’t you be? Steve was the best man you’d ever met, not many people would be this kind and trusting about a situation like this but he was and you were unbelievably grateful. There was a niggling feeling at the back of your mind and that niggling feeling was about a certain dark haired super soldier. No matter what you did, you couldn’t quite shake the hold that Bucky Barnes had on you.
Sleep didn’t come easy that night. As Steve slept beside you, the darkness reached out and wrapped you up in it, entangling your limbs in the heavy numbness. You tossed and turned, a sheen of cold sweat covering your body. Every time you closed your eyes, all you could see was the agent’s eyes seconds after you shot him. All you could hear was the sickly gurgle of blood that poured from his lips. Your heart had been racing for hours and you had tried and tried to slow it but no amount of breathing techniques would help you.
It was almost as though Bucky knew, it was almost as though he knew that you were struggling. All day, since leaving the hospital, he had thought of you and only you. He didn’t know if you were okay, he didn’t know how things between you and Steve were and he needed to; he had to reach out. So, as the clock flashed 02:17, he reached for his phone and typed out a message before hitting send.
Did you get home safe?
The light of the phone illuminated the whole room making the world seem a lot less scary. You rolled over, grabbing the phone and sitting up. You couldn’t contain your smile when you saw the familiar name pop up on your screen. Steve had given you your phone back a few hours ago and you’d pretty much responded to everyone who had reached out. Why were you so excited to hear from Bucky?
Yeah... The apartment building is set up like Fort Knox. Bit intimidating, actually, knowing how many SHIELD agents are around.
At least you’re safe... Why are you awake though?
Can’t sleep. Can’t stop thinking about what happened. It’s going to be a whole lot of fun in the morning telling it all to Fury.
Don’t worry, I’ll be there as well. You’ll be okay.
Yeah, hopefully.
You need me to read you to sleep?
You faltered. What the fuck am I doing? You thought as you glanced back at Steve who lay snoring slightly beside you. There was a line that you and Bucky were teetering over right now, a line that once crossed you could never come back from. Bucky Barnes was under your skin, you knew that, but why were so excited to hear from him? Why did you so badly want him to call and talk to you? Why were you so eager to hear from him? It wasn’t a matter of convenience, no; what you felt for Bucky was real and oh so genuine and it terrified you.
You asleep?
No, sorry. I don’t think you reading to me would be appropriate anymore, Bucky.
Bucky swallowed hard. He should’ve expected this; you were Steve’s girlfriend not his so there had to be stricter boundaries set and that’s what you were doing. Bucky knew that he was crossing a line by doing that so he text you back.
You’re right, I apologise. Me texting you late at night is probably wildly inappropriate too so I’ll stop after this text. I’ll see you in the morning. Oh, as for you not being able to sleep, someone pretty great told me that drinking cold water would cleanse the mind of bad dreams or bad thoughts. Try it, it really helped me. Sleep well, (y/n).
You laughed softly as he used your advice against you. With a stretch, you wandered into the kitchen and had a drink of water. You felt terrible, of course you did, but you and Bucky were friends and that was it. Sure, you had feelings for him now but they’d go away soon... wouldn’t they? People could fall out of love with their soulmate, couldn’t they? When you climbed back into bed beside Steve, you checked your phone one last time in case you’d missed a text from him and you were disappointed to see no notifications. You rolled over, trying to stomp down the guilt in your stomach, and closed your eyes.
When you got to the SHIELD office, Agent Hill escorted you and Steve to a small room where Nick Fury sat, “Good morning, Captain Rogers, Miss (Y/L/N),” Fury said with a nod, “Please take a seat. Steve, there’s a seat in the corner that you can sit in. (y/n) and Mr Barnes will tell us the events of the last few weeks and then we’ve got some information on the car to tell you all.” It was then that Bucky strode in, escorted by another agent, “Nice of you to join us, Mr Barnes.”
Bucky’s eyes met yours and you found yourself swallowing hard. You went and sat at the table and gestured for Bucky to sit beside you. He glanced at Steve, almost as though asking for permission, to which Steve nodded. Bucky pulled out the chair and sat down in it. You could smell his cologne, that citrus mixed with pine smell.
“I’d like you to start at the beginning,” Fury said as Agent Hill began to type everything up.
You and Bucky glanced at each other and Bucky gave you a curt nod as in ‘I’ll handle this one’. Bucky began from the beginning, explaining why he picked Estonia to picking you up to going to the airport to getting the car to going to the cabin. He explained that nothing happened the first week, the two of you just kept to yourself but you’d came into town with him one day.
“You took her into town?” Fury asked, “You took her into town? You knew that Hydra was after her and you willingly put her in danger?” Oh, he was mad.
Bucky sucked his teeth, “Yes, sir-”
You looked at Bucky then to Fury, “It wasn’t Bucky’s idea,” you told Fury, “It was mine. You try being in a cabin in the woods in a foreign country with no way to contact anyone and you’re living with a, sorry Bucky, kind of intimidating stranger!” Bucky gave a half smile.
“Still stupid,” Fury muttered with a roll of his eye, “Carry on.”
So Bucky continued, telling Fury about going into town, visiting the market stalls and then eventually about teaching you how to use a gun.
“Thank god I did,” Bucky said, sparing you a glance. You were staring at the plastic cup of water that was sitting on the table in front of you. Bucky looked to Fury, “I hadn’t been sleeping, I was awake. I heard a car which was unusual since it was the dead of night and a pretty isolated area. I had my weapon, I scouted and I could tell straight off the bat that they were Hydra agents. I went into (y/n)’s room, woke her up and told her to hide in the closet.
“The two men had separated so it gave me a chance to take them down one at a time. The first one came into the bedroom, I snapped his neck, put him on the bed,” the way he spoke about it so casually freaked you out, “Instead of going for the next guy, I went to check on (y/n)-”
“Why?” Fury asked, “Why do something that you knew would get her found out?”
“Because I needed to know that she was okay.” Bucky refused to look in Steve’s direction, here he was practically admitting his feelings for you and he could not look at Steve directly, “It was stupid but I needed to know that she was doing okay.”
“What happened next?”
“(y/n) screamed that there was someone behind me but it was too late. They shot like some sort of electric wire weapon-”
“This?” Fury said, pulling a photo out of a file and showing it to Bucky and yourself. Bucky nodded, “It can kill your average human in a few seconds flat, you’re only alive because of the Super Soldier serum.”
“I was pretty much paralysed,” Bucky continued, “Could barely stay conscious. The agent knew that (y/n) was in the closet and he was going for her but she leapt out of the closet, jumping on the guy, using her weight to her advantage and for shock value... She knocked him down and ran away and then... I passed out.”
You took a deep breath as Fury looked at you pointedly, “Well?” He asked.
“Give her a damn minute, will you?” Bucky hissed, glaring at Fury. Bucky’s eyes travelled a few metres to the left to meet the eyes of his best friend’s. Steve looked at him with a look on his face that Bucky could only think was one of concern. Steve knew. Bucky’s face fell. Steve knew. Steve knew that there was more going on between you and Bucky than that of friends. You must’ve told Steve about what happened but that wasn’t how Steve knew. Steve could see that Bucky was protective over you, Bucky didn’t care about anyone except himself and Steve and now... you. Steve saw the way he protected you, glanced at you and asked if you were ready. He saw the way Bucky’s face softened when he looked at you... Steve knew that Bucky Barnes was in love with you.
You gave a small nod to Bucky before releasing a long breath, “I jumped out of the closet, using my weight to knock him over and I ran. Bucky had put the gun in the safe under a combination-”
“Which was?”
“0407...” You looked over at Steve, “Steve’s birthday.”
“Continue.”
“I punched it in wrong the first time. I was terrified. I managed to get the gun but my hands were shaking that much that I didn’t really know if I could shoot it. The agent was in front of me within about ten seconds,” you closed your eyes as you remembered, “He was taunting me. He didn’t expect me to shoot the gun. He disarmed himself thinking that I’d fold and he’d be able to take me away to be tortured. He kept taunting me, calling me weak, that I was Captain America’s weak girlfriend who couldn’t defend herself... He would have killed us, or at least kidnapped me to torture me...” Your heart was pounding as a wave of intense, almost crippling fear overcame you. When you closed your eyes, you could see him, as clear as day, taunting you as he stood in front of you, “I had to... Bucky was passed out and I-I-I had to-” Your breathing was rapid as you remembered it. You remembered how it felt to shoot the gun, you remembered the god-awful gurgle as blood filled his throat, the way his eyes filled with terror before he hit the floor with a heavy thud. You remembered the red seeping towards you and being too scared to move away.
Bucky could tell that you were spiralling and he couldn’t do much to help, all he could do was touch his knee against yours. When you were in shock, you had needed that physical contact as a constant reminder that you were safe. So, he gently tapped his knee against yours, a subtle action but it didn’t go unnoticed by Steve’s keen eye. Bucky tapped your knee twice and Steve watched as your whole body pretty much relaxed. You opened your eyes to look at Fury, “I shot him.”
The admission took Steve by surprise. He had gathered that’s what had happened but when you said it, solidifying the past, it shocked him. He couldn’t believe that your safety had been jeopardised that much to the point that you would have to shoot someone. This was why he sent you away with Bucky so that Bucky would protect you but he didn’t even do that. Steve’s anger was misplaced. He wasn’t angry at Bucky but more so the fact you’d been in danger. He was angry at the situation, that he had forced, that caused you and Bucky to grow close and begin to feel for each other. He was angry at the whole situation.
“You killed him?” Fury asked.
You shook your head, “No- I didn’t.”
“But you shot him?”
You nodded, “Yeah, I shot him.”
Fury frowned, “We recovered the body, he had two gunshot wounds; one to the stomach and one to the head. Where did you shoot?”
“Stomach.”
“So who shot him in the head?”
“I did,” Bucky said gruffly, “I’d been unconscious but the sound of the first gunshot woke up up. I heard the first shot, I panicked thinking it was (y/n) and that she’d been hurt. I managed to get up and when I ran into the living room the agent was on the floor, bleeding out, and (y/n) was stood over with the gun.”
“How did it come about that you ended up shooting and instantly killing the agent?”
Bucky licked his lower lip and thought carefully about what he wanted to say, “I know the toll that taking a life, even in self-defence, I know what that does to a person and their mind. I didn’t want (y/n) to experience the things I experience daily.”
Steve shook his head as anger bubbled under the surface. Usually, he wasn’t one to get angry but Bucky Barnes had practically just admitted that he cared about you. Steve had known Bucky for most of his life and he knew how much Bucky suffered after the Winter Soldier. He knew how terrified Bucky was because of the amount of lives he had taken and he knew that taking that agent’s life wasn’t an easy thing for him to do... and yet he did it. He did it so that you could sleep a little easier at night; so that you could continue without red on your ledger and without that constant guilt that sat like a pit deep in his stomach.
Your breath got caught in your throat at Bucky’s admission. You knew that he cared about you but he’d never really said anything that proved it and now he had. You could feel Bucky’s eyes on your temple but you didn’t dare turn to him. Instead, you focused on your hands in front of you.
“I killed him,” Bucky said a lot gentler than his previous statement, “After that, we grabbed our things and left. Phoned Steve a few hours later. That’s it.”
Agent Hill nodded, “I think now would be a good time to have a break. Then we’ll bring you back and tell you what we know, sound okay?” She looked at the two of you and you nodded.
Steve was the first one out and then you and Bucky followed suit, “I need some coffee,” Steve muttered.
“Yeah, make it two,” Bucky said as he rubbed his face.
Steve rolled his eyes, “Oh, another thing you’re trying to steal from me, huh?”
Woah, wait, what?! You peered round, looking at Steve with confusion but it was Bucky who spoke first, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Your boyfriend scoffed, turning around to face Bucky. Steve was angry. It wasn’t like him to ever be angry and yet, here he was almost squaring up to his best friend. Your heart sunk when you realised why Steve was angry; it was all about you, “Trying to steal my girlfriend and now my coffee?” It was childish, it was so freaking childish but after hearing what happened with you and Bucky and being able to see that the two of you cared about the other, he was hurt.
Bucky raised his hands, “No one’s trying to steal your girlfriend or your coffee,” he said, with a confused glance thrown your way, “What’s going on, Steve?”
“You should’ve been there!” Steve snapped, “You should have protected her!” He was mad that Bucky had been stupid and hadn’t been there to stop anything from happening. You’d shot a man to defend yourself because of Bucky’s mistake and Steve was mad about it. He had sent you away to be protected and yet, Bucky had failed.
“Steve,” you reached out, wrapping your hand around his bicep, “it’s not Bucky’s fault.”
“Yes!” Steve yelled, whirring to face you, “Yes, it is!” It was the first time Steve had ever really yelled in your presence, you’d never seen him like this and quite frankly, it scared you a little bit. You jumped, taking a step back as you stared at him with panicked eyes.
“That’s enough, Steve,” Bucky said, stepping in the middle of you and Steve, “You’ve got an issue with me, don’t take it out on her.”
Steve shook his head as he took a breath, “You should’ve been there, Buck. You shouldn’t have been so stupid.”
You watched the two hash it out and you almost wanted to throw up. You’d caused this. Bucky and Steve had been great before you were there. They’d never fought like this, never been mad at each other like this... It was your fault. You were the wedge that was in between them and even though you could scream that you loved Steve until you were blue in the face, no one could deny the tension that hung so obvious and heavy in the air whenever you and Bucky were there.
As you stared at the two men with teary eyes, Director Fury opened the door, “If you three have finished arguing, there’s more we’ve got to show you.” Awkward.
Bucky looked behind, looking to you as you wiped at your eyes furiously. Steve’s eyes also fell to you, “(y/n),” he said softly.
“Later,” was all you said as you brushed past the two of them and walked back into the room you’d all been in a few minutes before. You refused to meet anyone’s eyes as you stared down at the table. Steve walked in after you and then Bucky.
Fury glanced at all three of you, “Could cut the tension with a knife, guys,” he said as he rolled his eye. You’d never wanted the ground to open up and swallow you whole more than in that moment, “Well... Let’s continue.”
As Fury and Agent Hill spoke, you could barely concentrate. Your mind was whirring. You didn’t know what to do; on one hand, you had told Steve that you wanted to make things work but on the other, could things work out if it was causing this much friction between him and Bucky? You truly didn’t know. All you wanted was life to return to normal, like how it was before you met Bucky; life without colour seemed much easier and much more manageable. It was a stressful situation for the three of you but you hadn’t realised how much and how quickly it would affect you all, especially Steve.
Oh, Steve. You looked over to him, seeing him watching Fury talking intently. He was everything you could ever have wanted yet... now after having met Bucky and spent time with him, was there something missing with Steve? And Bucky... he was under your skin and you knew that you’d never be able to shake him. You looked to your side, looking at Bucky as he listened to Fury and you couldn’t help but come to a very daunting realisation, a realisation that you’d been pushing down for weeks but now, you couldn’t deny it any longer. I love him. I’m in love with Bucky Barnes.
What were you supposed to do? You were in love with Steve and Bucky and that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to any of you. If you made your choice, say you stuck with Steve... would Bucky resent you or resent Steve? Would the friendship even be able to continue? And if you picked Bucky, Steve would put on a brave face but deep down you knew that it would absolutely kill him inside... Would their friendship be the same? You hoped it would be but truthfully, you knew that it wouldn’t be the same and you didn’t want to be the cause of that, you didn’t want to drive them apart from each other no matter how much you loved them and wanted to be with them.
“Miss (Y/L/N), did you hear what I said?” Director Fury asked, looking at you pointedly.
You snapped back to reality to see all eyes on you, “Uh...”
Fury rolled his eye again, “I said that we found out how Hydra tracked you and Mr Barnes down. Seemed that Hydra had been planning this for a long time, they knew that if they got to you, Steve would try and send you away. They’d appointed a spy in every airport in ten states. The spy-”
“The car dealer.” The wind had well and truly been taken from your sails. Despite your best efforts, you’d always been three steps behind Hydra. They had played you all like pawns.
Fury nodded, “He gave you a car that had three separate tracking devices all cleverly hidden in seat cushions or in the exhaust pipe or engine so that when Mr Barnes checked, he couldn’t see any obvious ones.”
“They were on us from the beginning,” Bucky scoffed as he shook his head, “Goddammit.”
You shook your head, “That doesn’t make sense. If they knew where we were from the minute we left then... why leave it three weeks before they tried to kill us?”
It was Agent Hill that delivered the final blow, “We interrogated a Hydra agent that we’d found in the cabin the following day. He had a file in his car,” she tapped the file that had been lying on the desk before sliding out some pictures. It was photos of you and Bucky. One of you and Bucky driving, one of you and Bucky in the town centre, one of you looking at market stalls... one of you and Bucky sitting on the bench in the park as you got to know each other with your hand on his knee... Tens of photos, all different. You sucked in a deep breath. They’d been on you both the whole time, “We suspect that they left it so long because they could see a genuine connection being formed between (y/n) and Bucky and when we interrogated the Hydra agent he said that the best way to destroy something was to do from the inside out meaning that he wanted to ruin (y/n) and Steve’s relationship and Bucky and Steve’s friendship first before causing much greater harm to all parties.”
Your hand moved to your mouth and tears flooded your eyes. They’d succeeded. Hydra might not have killed or harmed you and Bucky (yet) but they had succeeded in messing up relationships. You stared down at the photos, looking at how you and Bucky smiled at each other and how obvious it was that there was something more than friendship brewing there.
Fury was still talking, telling you all that the same Hydra agent they’d caught had given some information on Rumlow’s whereabouts so they were following that lead and they’d keep you all up to date with any new developments in the case, “Just... stay out of trouble, will you?” Fury ended as he rubbed at his face tiredly, “Don’t make anymore stupid mistakes.”
As soon as he dismissed you, you were off like a shot, rushing out of the dimly lit room and rushing for a toilet. You could hear footsteps chasing after you but you had already thrown open the toilet door and locked it swiftly behind you before bending over the toilet and releasing the contents of your stomach.
Bucky caught up with Steve, “She okay?” He asked.
“Throwing up, I think,” Steve said with a frown as he paced outside of the toilet door, “Listen, man, I was outta line-”
Bucky shook his head, “No, no, you were right; I should have protected her better. I was the one that made a stupid mistake and now she’s paying the price. I’m sorry for not protecting her better.”
“Even still, I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” Steve said reaching out his hand, “I’m sorry.”
The pair shook hands and had a quick hug before Bucky spoke again, “Listen, Steve... I don’t know what (y/n)’s told you but listen, nothing happened. I won’t lie, I wanted it to but I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Steve nodded, “Yeah, I know, Buck. She told me everything... It was also part of my little outburst, I saw the way you were able to see that she was spiralling when talking about what happened, I saw you touch her knee with yours and you instantly calmed her down. I saw those photos of the two of you, laughing and smiling... I know that the two of you care about each other and it’s upsetting, absolutely, but it’s not fair to hold that against the two of you.”
Bucky was about to respond when the toilet door opened and you walked out with slightly puffy, pink eyes. After being sick, you’d had a bit of a cry to be honest. It was too much and all you wanted was to be wrapped in a blanket. It was Steve who asked if you were okay first. You shook your head, “I just want to go home.”
“You want me to take you?” Steve asked.
You nodded. You couldn’t look at Bucky, couldn’t even breathe in his general direction for fear of breathing in his cologne. He didn’t say anything as you breezed past him and followed Steve to the car. He and Steve shared a nod before you left. Bucky felt terrible but at least some of the guilt had vanished since he’d opened up to Steve about it. Steve knew that there were feelings between you and Bucky and to be honest, Bucky was glad he knew. He hated hiding things from Steve, hated keeping secrets from the one person he considered a friend so although it made things extremely awkward, he was glad that he knew.
The car ride home was silent. Steve had tried to talk to you and apologise for raising his voice and scaring you but you were barely listening. Your mind was on other, much more important things... You didn’t know what to do. How could do continue being in a relationship with Steve when you were in love with someone else simultaneously? How could you be in a relationship and be okay with destroying Steve and Bucky’s friendship? You didn’t know if you had that in you. You loved Steve and you wanted to be with him but was it fair? Was it fair to be in love with Bucky at the same time and potentially ruin their friendship? No, it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to Steve or Bucky, hell, it wasn’t fair to you.
When you got home, Steve led you to the couch and asked the question that he didn’t really want the answer to, “What’s going on?”
You were silent for a long time. You didn’t know what you were going to respond with until the words left your mouth, “I don’t know if I can do this, Steve.”
“Do what?”
“This... Us.”
Steve’s heart sank. He knew that this would happen. He knew that this was coming, he just didn’t think it would be so soon. He rubbed his face, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“It’s not about whether I love him or you, Steve,” your voice was raising as the annoyance of the whole situation worsened, “It’s about me and I cannot be the reason why you and Bucky hate each other!”
Steve shook his head, “We don’t hate each other... What happened today-”
“What happened today will probably happen one million times over until the two of you cannot handle being in the same room as each other!” You snapped as your eyes filled with tears, “I can’t be the reason the two of you grow to hate each other. I hate that I’m his soulmate. I wish it was just you and me, Steve, but it’s not. You said that Bucky will always be part of our lives and I can live with that... but I don’t know if you can handle it if we’re still together.” Your hands were shaking as you sucked in a deep breath. You were really going to do this.
Steve was right in front of you, hands cupping your cheeks, “If you do this, Hydra will be winning.”
“And if I don’t do this,” you sniffed, “they’ll win by ruining yours and Bucky’s friendship.”
Tears welled in Steve’s eyes. He didn’t want you to do this. He believed that you could all work this out and it would be fine in time but you didn’t want to risk it, “(y/n)..."
You were practically sobbing as you stared at him. He was shaking his head, whispering ‘please don’t’ but you had to. For your peace of mind, for you to heal from all of this, you needed to take a step back and just have a break, “I just- I need some space, Steve.” Steve reached out and you gladly fell into his arms sobbing, “I-I don’t know if we can stay in a relationship. It’s- It’s so hard, I can’t- I can’t be the cause of you and Bucky hating each other.”
Steve pressed a kiss to your hair, “It’s okay,” he whispered, “I understand.”
“I think I just need a few days... just to clear my head and think and... a few days and I’ll be okay.”
He held you for ages, it seemed like hours, the two of you held each other unmoving and not speaking. You hadn’t explicitly said that you wanted to break up because you didn’t, you really honestly didn’t want to break up with Steve. You’d experienced more in the last year of being with Steve than you’d experienced in your whole life and you weren’t ready to let him go. You just needed some time, time to distance yourself and time to sort your head. So much had happened in a short space of time and you didn’t have the mental capacity to take on Steve and Bucky’s issues as well as your own. You wouldn’t do that to yourself.
Steve understood that, thankfully. He knew that this wasn’t the end but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Of course, he wanted to be here with you and help you through all of this but he would respect your wishes. He felt like this was all his fault, had he only bit his tongue instead of getting mad at Bucky... He couldn’t take it back now, he just hoped that a few days would right the wrongs that you worried about. You’d been through so much and Steve wanted to be there to help you through it but he understood why you were asking for a break.
“I love you, Steve.”
“I love you too, sweetheart, but are you sure about this?”
You nodded as you pulled away from him, “We need to take a break, Steve.”
