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chaos control | steve rogers

pairing: steve x scarletwitch!reader

word count: 6,6k

summary: where steve gets blipped

a/n: this is heavily inspired by wandavision because it’s one of my favourite (comfort) shows!! don’t forget to like and reblog, it means the world <3

warnings: angst, violence, cursing, grief, major character ‘death’ (see summary), suggestive content, mental illness, panic attack

universe: marvel

Silence.

Ominous silence, broken only by your pounding heartbeat and rapid breathing coming from far away.

Brief seconds just sealed humanity’s fate. Seconds that drag on at this very moment, leaving you feeling only one single emotion: fear.

The snapping sound when Thanos used the Infinity Stones to wipe out half of humanity starts echoing in your head, joining the pounding of your heart hammering in your ears, getting louder and louder by the second, until suddenly you’re pulled back to the field, aware of all the sounds around you; screams, battle cries, wind blowing through the treetops, and, all of a sudden, the earth rotates again.

But it doesn’t feel like it.

You stand there, motionless, staring at the spot where Thor just drove his axe into Thanos’s chest. Where Thanos just disappeared after wiping out half the population with a simple snap of his fingers. Your horrified gaze meets Thor’s, and the pain reflected in it mirrors yours.

“Where did he go?”, Steve asks him, out of breath, holding a hand to his ribs where he appears to be injured, limping towards him. “Thor, where did he go?”

Thor, however, doesn’t answer and you clearly see the shame on his face, beating himself up for not being able to stop Thanos in time.

Since Steve can’t expect an answer from Thor any time soon, he finally turns to you and quickly staggers towards you, immediately noticing that something is wrong, that you can barely stand. This fight demanded everything from you – unlike the others, you have no superpowers, haven’t been affected by any serum, or had your cells altered by radiation. You’re just a mere FBI agent who joined S.H.I.E.L.D back then and, after its fall, joined the Avengers. You know your way around combat and can handle weapons, but at the end of the day, you are only human.

A human that might turn into dust any second.

“Steve”, you breathe out, your voice breaking as he reaches you and pulls you in his arms, his hand on the back of your head.

“Hey, hey”, he shushes you, rubbing his other hand soothingly over your back. “You’re alright, you’re okay.”

The way he says it makes it sound like he has to convince himself, not you. Softly, he plants a kiss on the top of your head before holding you at arm’s length, scanning your face and body for any visible injuries. He’s always been like this with you: sweet, kind, protective, sometimes maybe a bit too protective. But in a world that didn’t have a place for you, he made you feel safe, he made you feel seen.

He caught you when everyone else let you fall.

“I’m scared”, you stutter and lower your gaze, your hands tightly winding around his shoulder straps because you have the inexplicable feeling that you have to cling to him.

“Look at me”, Steve demands and lifts your chin with his index finger, then goes to cup your cheek. “It’s gonna be alright. I promise.”

You nod slightly and pull him into another hug, pressing yourself against him. Steve lets out a reflexive exhale from the sudden squeeze but wraps his strong arms around you just as tightly.

But suddenly something feels wrong. Something feels terribly wrong.

You’re startled as you look down, your cheek against his chest where the star adorns his armor, and spot only one pair of legs, the other has turned to dust.

“No”, you let out speechlessly, looking at Steve, straight into his blue eyes. “No, no, no, no!”

“Don’t w-”, is all you hear before his entire body dissipates, right in front of your eyes, and you can do nothing to stop it, nothing to stop your heart from shattering, an ugly slash breaking it in two. Knees wobbling, you crumble to the ground, your fingers raking through the dust in agony – the last remains of him; nothing more than dust.

Desperately, you cup the dust in your hands, pressing it to your heart, and let out an earth-shattering cry that is both full of hatred and devastation. Tears are running down your cheeks, your body overwhelmed by emotions as you lean forward and make yourself as small as possible, trying to hide your pain from the world. Or what’s left of it.

You feel a slight tingle in your fingertips, but you’re far too busy replaying the way Steve looked at you in his final moments to notice. His last words echo in your head, haunting you already.

You can’t believe that this is how it is going to end.

That what tore Steve and you apart was a mere flick of the finger.

Steve is gone. And you wish it had been you.

As hurried footsteps approach you, you look up to catch Natasha’s worried glace. Her hand, which was immediately on its way to your shoulder, presumably to comfort you, hovers midair now, what she sees in your eyes making her stop dead in her tracks. All she sees in them is rage. Pure blazing, burning rage mixed with sorrow.

You don’t know who else lost or who survived. What you do know, however, is how selfish it is of you to not care more at this moment. All you want is for Steve to come back to you. And if that means having to burn the world down, so be it.

════════════

“I don’t think that’s a good idea”, Natasha mentions, as if she hasn’t already told you about ten times that you maybe shouldn’t go into Steve’s room in the Avengers Compound. Although he usually lived with you in your apartment, he stayed here when he had missions or work in general to take care of. And right now, you would give anything to get even more pieces of him as a reminder.

It’s only been four months since earth’s population was decimated by half; the survivors call it ‘The Blip’, which sounds far too harmless for what it was. Four months in which you’ve tried everything to find a way to bring Steve back. To absolutely no avail.

What Thanos has done is irreversible.

“I know it’s hard to accept and you’re allowed to grief. I’ve lost people too. But you’re only hurting yourself more with this and deny yourself the opportunity to move on”, she adds, her sad eyes full of empathy while she chews on the inside of her cheek, her shoulder leaned against the wall next to the door.

Since that one fateful day, you have been through all sorts of stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining. You locked yourself away for almost a month, avoided everyone after they had to tear you away from the battlefield of Wakanda. Then, rage overcame you, not just at Thanos, but at everything and everyone, but especially at yourself.

Survivor’s guilt eats you alive; thoughts that swirl around in your head day and night, sending you into a kind of panic every time. Why him, of all people? Why did it have to be Steve? Why not you? Unlike Steve, you don’t have superpowers. You’re replaceable. Steve isn’t. He could have helped people during this difficult time. You’re certain he would never have given up on undoing Thanos’ actions until he found a solution.

He would have fought to the very end and saved the world.

Unfortunately, you’re not as strong and powerful. Not only are you frustrated with yourself and the world, but you’re also frightened, anxious. Yes, Bruce and Tony are working on a solution, but who says they’ll ever find one? Who says you won’t have to live with the guilt of not stopping Thanos in time for the rest of your life, living with the knowledge that humanity will never be the same again and history books will write about the Blip for millennia? All these thoughts and fears come crashing down on you, usually in the middle of the night, and then you lay there, awake and alone.

There was a single moment, about three weeks ago, when you felt better for the first time and actually felt an inkling of hope that everything would be okay again. That was also the moment when you finally confided in Natasha. You both lost the most important people in your lives and are now trying to find meaning together, even though this is proving to be a struggle. It was during these conversations with her that you made the decision to search through all of his valuables that hadn’t yet found their way into your apartment during the course of your relationship, hoping it would make you feel closer to him again because sometimes you can’t even remember his scent anymore.

This phase, however, didn’t last long and the current stage alternates between anger and depression.

“I will never move on without him”, you say through gritted teeth, throwing Natasha a look that could kill. Your hands are shaking, but you try to hide it from her as you turn the key in the lock and the door opens with a click. You’ve dreaded this moment for weeks and yet you feel a sense of relief when a familiar scent greets you.

“I pass his room every day, Y/N. Every day I hope to hear his voice from behind the door. And not only his. Also that of Bucky, Fury, Sam”, Natasha tells you with a strained voice, struggling to keep her own feelings at bay. “If you need me, you know where to find me.”

With that, she turns around and leaves you, knowing that you need space now and want to face whatever awaits you in his room alone. For a brief moment, you want to stop her, but the impulse immediately vanishes, and you know it’s unfair to her. Steve was her friend, her partner. She lost him just like you did and missed him, too. But every atom of you missed him.

You close your eyes briefly, take a deep breath, and then cross the threshold. Soft light greets you, shining through the curtains. Birds chirp outside and everything feels peaceful. As if nothing ever happened.

It takes a while before you are able to move. The room feels like a time capsule. Everything is still exactly as Steve left it, with the intention of coming back here. His bed is made, his clothes neatly tucked away in the closet. There’s a book on his nightstand, right next to a framed photo. Something draws you there, even though tears are already welling up in your eyes.

The mattress gives way gently as you sit down and pick up the picture. With your thumb, you stroke over the small layer of dust that has already accumulated on the glass and look into his beautiful eyes, examining his radiant smile, the little wrinkles that form along with it. Then you look at yourself, smiling just as brightly. A smile that has ceased to exist.

A stray tear drops onto the glass. With a quiet sob, you press the picture to your chest, as if this could help to convey your feelings. You take a deep breath and then set it aside on the bed so you can take it with you later. Then you open the drawer of his nightstand, where you immediately discover the video camera you gave him for his birthday a few years ago. It’s an old digital video camera. Of course, there are much more modern cameras these days, but Steve had his problems with technology, and that’s why a video camera like this was the perfect gift for him – not too modern, but also not too vintage that you couldn’t immediately access the material on it.

Steve loved this camera. He filmed a lot, wanting to save memories forever, and you’re amazed to see that the camera is still charged a little. There are two videos left on the camera’s memory. One of them shows Bucky and Sam in front of a pool table in the Avengers Compound, enjoying a night after a successful mission. The angle changes and Steve comes into view, trying his best to film himself, which brings a smile to your face. He was always so clumsy with anything technology related, but he tried his best.

The video shakes when Steve talks about Bucky winning the game and Sam can be heard in the background, complaining. The quality leaves much to be desired, the picture is grainy, but that is why Steve loved the camera so much. It made him feel like he didn’t miss 65 years of world history.

The date in the bottom left corner tells you that this video was recorded two years ago, but to you it feels like it was yesterday that you watched the three of them goof around. A sharp pain ripples through your body at the thought that you not only lost Steve, but Bucky and Sam, too.

The video stops playing, it was only 50 seconds long, and you continue on to the second video. You are met with yourself, smiling at the camera because you immediately noticed that Steve has pulled out his camera and is filming you. You’re standing at a railing in front of the Niagara Falls, wearing a hat to protect you from the blazing sun. ‘Steve!’, you hear yourself say reproachfully, because you don’t want to be filmed, but he just laughs from behind the camera.

‘Isn’t my girlfriend the most beautiful woman in this world?’, he says and you can see yourself blush, even through the bad quality. Then he goes on to ask an elderly couple if they could film the two of you. He appears in frame, jogging to your side. Smiling, he pecks your lips, places one hand around your waist, and points towards the camera. Both of you smile into it.

When he’s sure he’s captured good footage, he squeezes your side, making you squirm because it tickles, before he runs over to the camera and takes it back. A few seconds later, the video ends, and the camera turns off because the battery is dead. One look at your reflection and you only now realize that you’ve started to cry. Tears are streaming down your cheeks, and the pain of it all is almost unbearable.

Why was such a wonderful human being dragged from this world? Why him?

You let the camera sink into your lap, defeated. Sobbing, you feel the anger rising within you, at least until something in the back corner of the drawer catches your eye, your heart stopping. Carefully, you place the camera next to the picture frame next to you and, with trembling hands, reach for a small velvety box resting on a piece of paper.

You take out the box and send up a silent prayer that, inside, you won’t find what you think you will. But when a beautiful ring with an intricate design and diamond shines at you, all dams break, and not even the hand you’re holding over your mouth in shock can silence your sobs.

Steve wanted to propose to you. He wanted to make you his wife.

And now he’s gone.

You’d love to throw the box across the room and make the ring disappear immediately, but you can’t. All the anger and hate could never make you throw it away but knowing that Steve wanted to marry you when all of this was over completely breaks you.

You can’t help but wonder if Natasha knew about this and that is why she didn’t want you in here. Steve surely had talked to her about it, asking for her opinion. You imagine Sam and Bucky, hugging him when he told them of his plans, loving the idea of their best friend finding his lifelong companion. And of it being you.

Before you fall deeper into the bottomless pit that’s opened beneath you since you’ve put your eyes on the ring, you close the box again and clench your hand around it.

“Steve Rogers, you fucking idiot”, you snort, wiping away your tears with the sleeve of your shirt, even though it’s useless now anyway. This discovery has set you back a long way in your journey of coming to terms with it all. How can you ever move on from this, from him?

Because you assume nothing can hurt you more than the ring, you take out the piece of paper the box was lying on and unfold it. You definitely didn’t expect your already shattered heart to break even further, and more violent sobs erupt from your throat.

The document is a purchase contract for a house. A house you drove past on one of your trips and jokingly said you wanted to grow old in together. A house you fell in love with after only seeing it once. A house Steve bought.

You can’t take it any longer. You jump up, close the drawer a little too vigorously, gather the picture frame, the ring box, and the document in your arms, and quickly leave the room. It feels like your entire body is constricting, not allowing you to breathe. Panic spreads through you, and you drag yourself down the stairs toward the exit of the compound.

“Y/N?”, a voice suddenly stops you on your way, and you turn to face Tony. He scans you from head to toe, immediately understanding what’s going on when his eyes fall on the little box. Natasha, who’s just walking by, also stops abruptly.

“So everyone knew about this except me?”, you chuckle humorlessly, not even bothering to not look completely unhinged or deranged. The tears you thought you had no more flow freely down your cheeks. Natasha takes a tentative step towards you, but you retreat.

“I- I just need to be a-alone”, you tell them and don’t wait for an answer. Instead, you run out of the building and find your car. You shouldn’t be driving in this state, but right now, you can’t think clearly. Later on, you can’t remember how you got into your car in the first place and left the lot. Or how you got onto the highway. Or how, after a while, you arrived in a small town and parked in front of a house. Or how you looked at the sign that says this property has been sold. Or how you fell to your knees in front of the door and let out a scream that rips through your bones.

════════════

“I’m home!”, Steve calls to you as he enters and closes the front door behind him, hangs the keys on the key rack and slips out of his jacket. You were in the kitchen when you heard his car pull up, so you quickly dry off your hands now before meeting him in the hallway. Smiling, you walk up to him, and when he sees you, a wide smile spreads across his face. You cup his face in your hands and stand on tiptoes to give him a welcoming kiss. His hands wrap around your waist, and he smiles into the kiss, savoring it.

“Missed me so much?”, he teases as he breaks off the kiss momentarily, your noses almost touching.

“I always miss you”, you giggle, about to put more distance between you, but he pulls you even closer and connects your lips again. He then proceeds to kiss the corner of your lips, then moves on to your jaw, then places soft kisses along your neck. Your hand finds its way into his hair as you enjoy the way he makes you feel.

“Stop Steve. I have to continue making us dinner”, you chuckle, trying to push him away, but he’s too strong and won’t budge. He stops his kisses, however, and breathes against the wet spot on your neck.

“You can satisfy my hunger in other ways”, he whispers against your skin, giving you goosebumps.

“Maybe, but our house will burn down if I don’t take that pot off the stove”, you laugh, and he finally lets go. Or rather, he grabs your hand instead and places a kiss on your ring finger, right above the beautiful wedding ring that adorns it.

“Anything my precious wife wants”, Steve smiles, intertwining your hands to follow you to the kitchen. While you take care of the food, Steve grabs a glass of water and watches you cook. At that moment, he wonders how he ever got so lucky in life, how he got to deserve you. When you notice his staring, you blush.

“What? Am I not allowed to look at my wife?”, Steve asks, placing the empty glass in the sink before coming up to you, his hands sneaking around your waist from behind. He places his chin on your shoulder, watching what you do.

“You are”, you giggle, adding some salt and pepper. “But don’t make it too obvious how much you love me.”

“What can I say? When it comes to you, I’m absolutely smitten”, he whispers into your ear, kissing your cheek before he goes to set up the table. A few minutes later, you carry the pot over to the table and you enjoy your dinner. While eating, Steve tells you about his day at work, how one of his colleagues said some weird things to him. You tell him that he probably just had a bad day and then go on to describing your own day, how you planted new plants in the garden.

After dinner, you’re standing in the kitchen washing the dishes when you suddenly hear a strange noise outside. You look at each other in surprise, and Steve puts everything aside to go and investigate. Over all the years you’ve worked together, you’ve developed sort of a routine, meaning you don’t even need to communicate to understand what the other wants to do. However, this superhero life eventually became too much for Steve, so he now enjoys a simple office job.

You follow Steve out the door and into your front yard, your hands intertwined. It’s already dark outside, the stars twinkling high in the sky. A few lights are on in the neighbouring houses, and only the streetlights provide some illumination on the street. Together, you walk to the beginning of your property and look down the street, Steve’s broad frame in front of you in case he needs to protect you. Looking down the street, you spot the source of the sound in the sky: something crashes against red colour, something like a barrier, and then breaches it with a bang. Whatever it is comes crashing down now.

Uncertain, you take a step back, adrenaline coursing through your veins.

“What the-?”, Steve says quietly as it directly dashes towards the two of you. The second you spot what it is, your heart stops.

“No.”

When you open your eyes again, you find yourself in front of the stove, hearing the door open.

“I’m home!”

════════════

You analyze yourself in the mirror, smoothing down the fabric of your dress with your hands as you examine yourself from different angles. In the background, you hear the shower turning off, and a few seconds later, Steve steps out of the bathroom. Drops of water cling to the ends of his hair and cover his torso; a towel covers his waist down, giving you a nice view of his broad, toned chest. When he spots you in front of the mirror, he lets out a whistle of appreciation.

You smile and watch him through the mirror as he sneaks up behind you, placing his hands around your waist, his hands clasped on your stomach.

“You look incredibly beautiful”, he whispers in your ear, looking at the two of you in the mirror, and places a soft kiss on your temple. Together you start swaying left and right, Steve’s hug growing stronger, which you comment on with a content hum.

Your heart beats a fraction faster as you watch him closely in the mirror, and you turn in his arms so you can look him straight in the eyes. One of your hands finds its way to his cheek, your thumb gently stroking his skin. Steve looks at you, saying nothing, just losing himself in your eyes, staring into them with so much love and affection that your heart inexplicably begins to ache. Fragments of thoughts from days gone by crawl into your head, but you immediately banish them.

“Promise you’ll never leave me”, you breathe, searching his eyes. He gently tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear, cups your cheek and starts to answer, but is suddenly interrupted by the doorbell. Steve immediately wants to let go of you and go downstairs to open the door, but you grab his wrists and stop him, your brow furrowed.

Something about this doesn’t feel right.

So you gesture for him to get dressed as you head downstairs to take care of whoever wants to disrupt your peace. The doorbell rings again when you’re halfway down, and adrenaline surges through your body. Unexpected events like this shouldn’t happen, and you don’t have an explanation for what’s going on. You and Steve were supposed to go on a date today, to a restaurant in town, because it’s your wedding anniversary. You certainly didn’t plan for any unexpected visitors.

Slowly and carefully, you approach the front door and finally open it a crack. What you see behind it makes your blood run cold.

Steve stands there, tall and broad, his body covered in armor that’s torn and dirty in places, a beard covering his face. Shocked, you watch as his eyes soften and glaze over when he looks at you. Without noticing, you open the door a bit wider, scanning the man in front of you.

It’s when he takes a step closer to you, apparently at a loss for words, that you hear it: Steve’s footsteps from above as he rummages around your bedroom. Your confusion is quickly replaced by anger. If your Steve is upstairs, then who is this?

“Y/N-”

Without another second’s thought, your hand shoots forward, and the scarlet wisps emanating from you throw Steve several meters through the air. With a crash, he plummets into the fence enclosing the property. With quick steps, you step down from the porch and go toward him, hands raised.

With a groan, he raises to his feet, the beautiful rose bushes destroyed under his weight.

“What do you want?”, you snarl at him, the energy around you crackling in the air. You feel the immense power inside of you wanting to break out, but you try to contain it as best you can, even though you have no idea what you’re doing or what damage you could cause. You didn’t even know you could wield any kind of power or magic or whatever this red coming from deep within you is.

“What kind of fucked-up trick is this?”, you scream at him furiously, and in that moment your power takes on a life of its own and attacks him. You summon reddish daggers in the air, which then fly in his direction, and he dodges them by rolling to the side at the last moment. Breathing heavily, he braces himself with both arms and looks at you. His gaze is so full of pain and grief that it briefly cuts the ground from under your feet.

“Listen to me-”

“You’re not real. You’re some kind of illusion. D-Did Tony create you?”, you interrupt him, your voice threatening, another curse flying towards him and you momentarily wonder why he’s not fighting you. “Leave me alone!”

“I’m Steve, Y/N. Your Steve”, he tells you, straightening his posture as he yet again tries to come closer.

“You’re lying”, you reply, your voice shaking and your eyes suddenly tearing up, scared of what’s happening to you. With these words, however, a sort of orb forms between your palms and you send it, unwillingly or not, towards the imposter. He just manages to block the attack with the small shield that is attached to his gauntlet, and the impact is so violent that you both fly in different directions, knocking you off your feet.

By now, you’ve made so much noise that Steve rushes out of the house. It only takes him a few seconds to be at your side, crouching down beside you, taking your hand in his while placing his other hand on your elbow to help you back to your feet. The other Steve was about to do exactly the same thing, but now just stands there, stunned, looking at the exact carbon copy of himself.

You think you see something like remorse and pity swiping across his face.

“What the hell is going on?”, your Steve asks and the moment he locks eyes with his own, he freezes. Quickly, he pushes you behind him to shield you with his body, his fists clenched at his sides. This does not stop the other Steve’s eyes from finding yours though and the utter sadness in them causes you take in a sharp breath.

“L-Listen”, he stutters, but when he takes a tentative step forward, both of you step one back, keeping a safe distance. “I-It’s been five years and I’m just.. I know you’ve been through a lot, Y/N. But please don’t fight me. I’m here to help.”

At the mention of five years, pictures suddenly flash in front of your eyes, and you collapse against Steve, your knees trembling. He holds you tight, throwing the other Steve a threatening glare.

“We don’t need your help!”, Steve answers for you, trying his best to keep you upright. Meanwhile you look like you’ve seen a ghost, staring into the nothingness in front of you. An ominous rumble echoes above you and extends across the entire sky, turning it a deep shade of scarlet. The same shade that has been running through your veins.

“He’s not real, Y/N. I am”, you hear the other Steve say from afar, which only makes you shake your head in disbelief, covering your ears. “I am your Steve. I was blipped five years ago. You are.. You’re enslaving an entire town with your mind because you couldn’t handle me being gone. He is a product of your pain, an illusion you created to deal with your grief.”

Your heart is pounding so loudly now you can hear it in your ears. Your hands are shaking, and when you lift your head slightly to look at him, you see it; the shocking realization that he’s telling you the truth. The repressed memories crush you at once, and you sink to the ground with a gasp. You feel an excruciating pain in your head, desperately clawing at it, trying to push the horrific images out of your mind, but to no avail.

You remember kneeling on the battlefield, gathering dust in your hands. You remember how you found the ring. How you came to this town, to this house, and suddenly everything was normal again. Everything was alright and Steve was here with you.

“I know you never wanted any of this. I know this isn’t you. So please come back to me”, he softly speaks to you and it is then that you let out an agonizing scream.

It feels like you’re torn apart from the inside, and you paw at your skin along your neck as if you could scratch it open. You want it to stop, for the pain to go away, but it only gets worse by the second. A strong wind blows through the air and the ground beneath you shakes as you absorb all the red magic around you.

When you feel a soft touch on your chin, you look up through tears and meet Steve’s eyes. Gently, he smiles at you before he, too, dissolves into red particles.

Then, suddenly, the pain is gone. What remains is gaping emptiness.

You bend over, supporting your weight with your arms, and wheeze for air, choking on nothing. You hear quick footsteps coming towards you, but you don’t dare to look up for fear of what sight awaits you there. You have no idea what you have done, and you are too scared to face the consequences.

The soft whisper of your name reaches your ear and you let out a whimper. Only when you feel a touch on your shoulder do you look up and feel your heart jump.

Steve looks at you, tears streaming down his face but a smile adorns his lips, the one you missed so much.

“Y-You’re r-real?”, you choke out, your bottom lip quivering. The second he nods, it feels like your world finally starts rotating again, relief flooding over you. But you’re so weak and exhausted that you can’t do anything but burst into tears. Steve immediately kneels beside you and pulls you into a bone-crushing hug, and when his signature scent hits your nose, you know he’s actually here. He’s back.

You don’t know how long you cry into his shoulder and listen to him sobbing, but you don’t care. If it were up to you, you would stay like this forever, never letting him go again. At some point, however, Steve loosens his grip, but only enough so that he can cup your face with his hands and kiss you deeply, tasting your salty tears. You can’t believe he’s actually here with you. You can’t believe you’ve lived a lie for several years, making yourself believe that everything is fine and he never left.

Steve notices your hesitancy and removes his lips from yours, searching your eyes.

“H-How?”, you sob, scanning not only his face but also his upper body. Only now do you realize that he looks just like he did when he turned to dust. Steve takes in a deep breath as he lowers his head, grabbing your hands to softly hold them in his own, comforting you.

“Tony and Banner found a way to bring us back. Thanos is defeated once and for all. It’s only been a few days since everyone reappeared where they vanished. I immediately searched for you, but you weren’t there. T‘Challa told us what happened”, Steve explains, choosing his words carefully. “We went back to the compound, and I was relieved when I found out you weren’t blipped. But Natasha told me they had lost contact with you years ago and you wouldn’t allow any communication. They’ve tried reaching out to you, but you.. developed powers even Banner couldn’t understand. It was too dangerous for any life form to breach the barrier you created. But my DNA was altered once before so I had to risk it. A-And when I saw you..”

Steve interrupts himself, averting his gaze back at the house he bought for you more than five years ago. For him, however, it’s only been a few weeks.

He can’t believe he has missed five entire years. That he has let the world, and especially you, down once again. And seeing you in this awful state, so entirely broken that you had to create your own little world to survive and bear the pain, didn’t make it any easier for him.

You needed him so much, and there was nothing he could do to help you or ease your pain. All these years, you grieved for him, in your own way, and he can’t even blame you for that. If the world had taken you away from him, he doesn’t know what he would have done in your place.

“I-I didn’t realize what I was doing this entire time, Steve. It just happened..”, you sob, squeezing his hands, blaming yourself for what you’ve done to all these poor, innocent people and to yourself, especially to your mind. You thought you could never hurt others, but grief taught you otherwise.

Sirens howl in the distance and a helicopter flies over your heads. Voices sound in the distance, probably residents of this town, those that you controlled and enslaved for years.

“W-What have I done?”, you cry out, your thoughts unbearable. It feels like your mind is shattered, torn in all places. Whatever powers you have, they affected your mind.

„Shh. It’s not your fault, I promise”, Steve tries calming you down, running a hand over your arm.

“What’s happening to me?”, you ask, devastated. You’re simply overwhelmed, by your feelings, by your thoughts. On the one hand, you’re indescribably happy that Steve is back, that evil has been destroyed, and the world has returned to its original state. You also think of Bucky and Sam. Of Natasha’s sister. How happy she must feel right now. On the other hand, you feel this incredible pain because the guilt hovers over everything and buries you beneath it. You didn’t know what you were doing or that you were even doing anything. For you, this was your reality. You were so mentally ill that you created Steve through some strange kind of magic; an illusion that was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

“I don’t know, but we will get you help”, Steve encourages you, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. You even made up these little gestures in your alternate reality.

“Remember that one time S.H.I.E.L.D abducted you? When we rescued you, you were completely out of it and didn’t remember anything. Tony thinks they did some experiments on you, probably with the Mind Stone since that was the one they had at their disposal”, Steve continues his explanation, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand soothingly. “These powers have not yet revealed themselves at that time. Apparently, they had to be triggered first. That’s why the tests didn’t show any traces.”

“W-What?” You look at him, unable to understand what he’s even saying. You don’t want to believe a word he just said, but deep inside, you know he must be right. Experiments turned you into the monster you are now, your mind too weak to fight against it.

“It’s going to be alright”, Steve promises, but you are not so sure about that. Your thoughts are scattered, chaos roaming freely inside of you.

Several vehicles turn into the street: ambulances, police cars, military trucks; all here because of you. Some of them drive on, others stop nearby. Soldiers get out, and besides the fear coursing through you, you also feel the great power now flowing through you.

You could easily defeat them all with a flick of your finger.

“What are we going to do now?”, you ask, fear evident in your trembling voice as you avert your gaze back to Steve. Your voice isn’t the only thing trembling, but your hands are too. You want to swiftly pull them away from Steve’s grip, but he holds on, not letting go of you.

He won’t ever let go of you now that he has you again.

“We’ll think of something. But first of all, I’m getting you home”, he answers, smiling as he leans forward to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. “What’s important now is that we are reunited. It’s going to be a long journey before you will be able to deal and cope with all of this, but that’s normal. Every second person on this planet will need time.”

With that, he scoops you up in his strong arms, carrying you bridal style towards one of the ambulances. You cling tightly to his neck and glance back at the house, your house, where you’ve been fooling yourself for several years. Back then, when all of this started, Steve carried you over the threshold into the house in your wedding dress. Now he’s carrying you in the exact opposite direction, away from all that, away from all the pain you desperately wanted to banish.

Healing takes time, however, you didn’t allow yourself that time five years ago. This time, Steve will be with you to help you along the way. Together, you’ll control the chaos.

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