Depressive Rambling ahead...
i’m having more trouble with negative and intrusive thoughts these days.
I feel... untethered. Pointless. Alone. Unconnected.
At home I feel superfluous. Why am I even here? No one needs me. No one wants to be around me. Everything people say I twist into some kind of insult or judgement. I just want to run away and find... something.
Its so exhausting fighting your own brain. In my good moments I know that my thoughts are not true. I know I have value and purpose. But when 9 out of every 10 thought you have is about how worthless you are, it drags you down.
Sometimes I hate my depression. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I feel fine. The rollercoaster has been particularly bad lately; whether its being back at work full time, or all this quarantine chaos, or all the other relationship stress I have going right now, or just everything all together - its been pretty difficult of late.
I’m hoping to have a good chat with my counsellor on Tuesday. I’m hoping I will have the guts and confidence to face some of my relationship stress head-on. I’m hoping tomorrow I will wake up and not feel like I could just disappear and nothing would change.