#m1 year

[emgoesmed]

5/16/2021

At this point my only motivation to study is sitting outside and soaking up sunshine like a lizard. Public parks are single-handedly saving my grades.

[scientific-methods]

2/25 days of productivity

More productive than yesterday, still not where I need to be to score as high as I hope to on this exam. Lots of practice questions, anki, and praying the next week. I'm tired but I need to remember it's a good kind of tired, like it's a struggle I'm actively choosing and not one I'm forced into.

I don't know if I'll be able to hit the academic goals I'm striving for. It's going to take a lot of restructuring, accountability, and checking-in with myself and what I value. I appreciate exam weeks because, as stressful as they are, I end up boiling everything down to what matters most. It's easier to be decisive.

I hope these next few weeks are easy for me, I hope I'm still able to find joy and fulfillment in them.

Things done today:

Infancy diseases P1

Env P1

CSA prep

Left to do:

P3 (anki, PQs, hyss if time) of lect 1

P3 (anki, PQs, hyss if time) of lect 2

P3 of lect 3 (but this might really be pushing it)

2 ecos lectures

2 ebmph lectures

[scientific-methods]

1/25 days of productivity

It’s finals month, I want to end my first year of med school strong. I’ve grown and learned a lot but there’s a lot more left to do, the challenge is going to be to balance burn out with pushing myself to be stronger these next few weeks.

I don’t know how well I’m going to do on these next few exams, and I’m really really tired. Not sure how I pushed myself so hard in the past during other blocks, I think a combo of being rested enough and feeling good enough about the content from the start to build momentum and keep going.

I’m not going to think about anything beyond today, i’m just going to go one step at a time until I’m at the top of the mountain.

[amedstudent-blog1]

The hardest things

I’ve been very missing in action lately. Not only from tumblr, but from school, friends and family. Basically, I’ve been absent in my own life.

About a week ago, one of my closest friends went through a truly frightening experience. Without getting into too many details, this friend is safe now. Mental health is a very REAL thing. 

All I wanted was to support Friend. I poured myself into being there for Friend. Every time a self serving thought popped into my mind, I convinced myself that I was not the important one, and buried it. 

We’ve all heard the quote: “The heart must first pump blood to itself.” Well, when life isn’t crazy, this is stupidly obvious. Tired? Take a nap. You’ll study better later. Hungry? Eat. You won’t be so cranky around others. When your stress is related to taking care of someone else, however, this advice doesn’t seem applicable. I wasn’t the harmed, I was supposed to be the healer. It didn’t make sense for me to tend to my needs, especially when Friend’s were way more serious.

Essentially, I ended up burning out and taking a step back from that friendship. I became so consumed in trying to fix someone else’s life that my own mental health started to implode. There is no way to support someone when you can’t stop your own mind from avalanching. I know that I ended up making things worse for Friend. I feel terribly guilty. 

I feel guilty because this wasn’t supposed to be about me. 

I feel guilty because Friend needs support and I took mine away.

I feel guilty because I feel better now.

That’s all I can write for now. Take care of yourselves <3