#m1year

[amedstudent-blog1]

When a med student goes public

*Scene takes place in a coffee shop*

Boy: “Hey! What are you working on today?”

Me, reflexively: “Bloody diarrhea”

Ya. That happened.

[amedstudent-blog1]

Wrapping up

First year of medical school is coming to an end. We have our final exam in a few days and it is so crazy to think about how quickly this year has gone by. It seems like it was only a few days ago that I was looking forward to meeting new classmates and starting new classes. Now, I’m finishing up our last block of the year and getting ready for summer activities.

Never in a million years would I have predicted what this year would bring. I imagined medical school to be full of late nights, studying, and stress. I did not expect the late nights and stress to have come from an unexpected relationship that quickly went sour and dangerous. I think I have finally found the place where I can look back and appreciate it all. First year forced me to grow up a lot. I learned how to ground myself when getting swept away seems so much easier. I learned how stabilizing it is to set my own boundaries. I learned that spending time alone does not mean that I am forced to be alone, and that I almost always have the power to change that, if that is what I want.

I feel tougher but also like I’ve been softened, too. It requires a lot less energy to see things as they are instead of how I wished/hoped/expected them to be.

[amedstudent-blog1]

Breakup day two.

Technically it’s day three because I CAN’T SLEEP but I want to keep up with this.

Today was really great! Aside from the dumb mockingbird outside my window that woke me up at 3am. You know that punched-in-the-gut feeling you get when your person is no longer your person and the only one you want to talk to about it is the only person in the world you can’t? I sat with that until 630am. Then at 730, I woke up and got ready for school stuff.

After, my friend and I went to a bookstore, then came over while I cleaned my room. It feels nice to have company right now. I feel mostly okay, I still feel the peace I found last night. We have been in the process of ending things for months and I think I have some solid closure. But the company is still really comforting!

After, I went to a cafe and hung out with friends for a while. We had really good conversations and I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. I’ve completely cleaned out my room and rearranged it - I read somewhere that reorganizing your things can help deal with a hard breakup. Something about not associating a specific environment with a certain time period. Regardless, it feels nice to have a clean room and to be sorting through my stuff. I also started packing since I’m going to have to move in a few months.

I worry about him a lot. I want him to be okay. But I feel relief that it is no longer my job to take care of him. I’m working on trying to believe that, no matter what happens, I am not responsible.

Today I did a really great job of being productive, confronting hard feelings without numbing them, and inviting people and change into my life instead of isolating myself. Last time I withdrew from everyone, and it was so harmful that it has caused me to actually fear the real breakup. But today wasn’t bad. I handled today. All I’ve got to do is handle tomorrow.

[amedstudent-blog1]

Tonight I created my own definition of love.

Love is treasuring all of the good things about someone while respecting and embracing their flaws.

I think love is half a choice, but also half innate. I think that you can give someone love through acts (choice) without loving them (inherent feeling). I think that we can cultivate stronger feelings of love by adjusting our perspectives, but I don’t think you can ever convince someone else to do it.

Tonight I learned that it is possible to love someone and to not be loved back. I also learned that this truth can bring peace, and not just heartbreak.

[amedstudent-blog1]

Only a year into med school and I’ve already learned a bunch about what I want to do when I grow up.

When I started med school, I knew that I wanted to be a doctor.

After shadowing, I’ve figured out that I really (read: REALLY!) like surgery.

From tutoring I’ve discovered how much teaching needs to be incorporated into my career.

And after experiencing how difficult it can be to open doors, to shadow and research and get involved with the projects that I really care about, I’ve decided that, when I’m a doctor who cuts and teaches, I also want to be a person who greases up the hinges and makes it easier for people - colleagues, students, and patients - to open the doors that they so greatly wish to walk through. 

[amedstudent-blog1]

Today has been kinda a wonky day! 

I woke up late and didn’t have a chance to prep for tutoring or for TCL. Both went fine, just a frazzled way to wake up! After a tornado almost hit our campus (lol) I had ultrasound. It was really cool! I love kidneys and livers and that was what we were looking at today so I was happy :)

Caught up with a friend on my drive home, ate dinner, and now I’m back to a coffee shop to keep studying. It is really nice outside and I got a spot next to the window. Wonky, but not a bad day!

[amedstudent-blog1]

Update: Really loving our GI block! Group studying with different people is such a nice change of pace. I’d like to shadow sometime soon. It is beautiful outside and I love it. My sister’s birthday is coming up and I haven’t a clue what to get her.

[amedstudent-blog1]

True friendship is donating UTI meds to a friend in need

Thank goodness for girlfriends!! I have mandatory class and tutoring and lab and studying to do today. After spending TWO HOURS (!!) waiting to get a stupid script refilled yesterday, there is NO WAY that I’m going back to student health to get this fixed.

Yes, I am probably creating my own superbug. Send prayers to the cranberry gods that two abx + home remedies take care of it.