something intriguing to me is how adamant misty was against eating crystal/kirsten but not against eating jackie, even suggesting using her bones for broth, even though jackie wasn't mean to her and helped her with her makeup and also makes me think about how in the original script misty was obsessed with jackie and not ben
I have thoughts about Cal's trust issues and I'm going to make it everyone's problem
(with special thanks to @cal-with-a-kesett-tape and @weadapt's problem cause they started this blubbering mess)
It hit me like a brick earlier.
Cal knew the Mantis crew loved him.
Love wasn't enough to make them stay.
Cal has never had the chance to really sit down and think about what attachments really were and how they feel. Hear me out.
This started about Cal's trust issues. I started thinking yeah, the way his Mantis crew family left all of a sudden really shook them and he kind of replaced them subconsciously with a new crew, a new family. A couple of quick notes:
- Lost his master
- Loses all his friends on Bracca (it's implied in Jedi Survivor post-game dialogue that he had other friends besides Prauf that he left behind)
- Prauf
- Crew he grew to love left him jarring his whole world
- Lost his "new" crew suddenly and all he has left of that memory is Bode so he kind of clings to Bode unknowingly
- Bode betrayal shatters him
- Clings to the idea that he and Dagan could work together - for a split second you can see in his eyes he sees it all. He and Dagan, hair flowing in the wind, swinging lightsabers, fighting the empire together, rebuilding the order together, it's romantic really. That lasts all of 2 seconds and he's so confused.
- He loses Cordova, a man he had a pseudo-connection through BD-1 with for so long
- Loses Cere, his second master
- Has to literally kill Bode and live with that
That said, I started thinking yeah he probably doesn't really realize that how deep that all goes within him or how much it actually comes down to his lack of really knowing what attachments are. This is going to cause so many trust issues and him closing himself off because he can't handle the reality of losing more people, especially after Bode shattered his inner-most circle. How's he going to let people in again?
Then it hit me like a brick.
There's a big reason why he sees so much of himself in Dagan. Dagan's attachments turned sour - it went the Vader route of being possessive. His obsession with Sentari's project and Tanalorr was a product of not being able to let his attachments go. That's pretty clear in the game, and mirrored in how Cal has allowed "The Fight" to become his attachment.
Jaro's last words are, "Hold the line" right? We know how he now has this deep engrained need to be needed. He has to fight for something. Yes, it's all he knows, but it's deeper than that, it's the last thread he has to his master. What would happen if he let that go? Cal hasn't really sat and thought about that yet.
Not only that, Cal has internalized his loyalty to this cause as like. A familial thread. The fight was his thing and the Mantis crew became his family, filling a void. The fight is their thing. And for the first time in his life Cal feels safe again. He's finally got some solidly dedicated efforts and people he can depend on. So in them leaving the Fight behind (for good reasons!!) Cal can't reconcile that leaving that isn't leaving him too, (or as @cal-with-a-kesett-tape puts it, abandoning him) it's like denouncing loyalty to him too. He just can't separate that connection and his own attachment. Maybe that's reaching and obviously there's more to it, but I dunno guys, I dunno!!
YOU CAN LOVE EVERYONE SO MUCH AND YOU HAVE TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT PEOPLE CAN AND WILL LEAVE OF THEIR OWN VOLITION!!
AND HE CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THAT LOVE GETS POURED OUT IN HIS LIFE. CAL'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS LITERALLY LOYALTY AND QUALITY TIME AND THE FIGHT.
Again, there's a part of Cal that just never got to stand beside his master like the Padawans of the Republic Era got to and ask all their questions or be scolded like the way Ahsoka did about being too attached to her Master. She had to dig deep and understand what that meant, how to acknowledge it, and how to let it go. Cal has Cere but maybe she just assumed? Who knows. Cal obviously struggled with it more than anyone realized. No discredit to Cere, I just don't think it ever really crossed her mind. Or, you know, Cal's stupid stubborn especially with Cere. Maybe he just ignored her in classic Cal fashion.
All that stemmed from this:
The romance aspect.
He knows taking a romantic step forward is a risk in general. And yes there's all that subconscious hesitation because he's a Jedi. But there's a bigger problem at play with Merrin.
I have to wonder if he did in fact know how she felt about him before she left. And if he did, it's just so much worse.
To him, all this buildup of love and trust. Down the refresher the day she left. So I wonder, maybe a lot of his hesitation isn't about him accepting his feelings. Maybe he gets it. He just struggles with letting someone in again who, in his mind, so easily let him go. He now has to come to terms that he wants to ask her to stay. He has to acknowledge in his mind that he wants her enough to be ok with letting her back in, knowing she's her own person and there's a chance she has to go do her thing someday and he might just have to let her, and that would be ok.
Romance aside, he has to go through that the whole game. Letting the Mantis crew in again. Working things out with everyone, hearing them out, seeing them in their element and finally being at peace with the split - knowing they all made the right decision even if it hurt.
So all the parallels worry me, because yes, he may be more self aware. He might've learned a few lessons, might be more at peace with a few decisions, but the way he just stands in shock at the funeral pyres is just worrisome because you know he's internalizing things. Right when he feels like he's making a step forward, he's taking steps back. The darkness is there now too, and he's going to struggle, because he has more to protect.
This whole experience in survivor was such a crucial point in it but at the same time we know, it's also simultaneously reinforcing his fear of further abandonment and more trust issues, and also his fears of the dark side so I'm kind of nervous to see. Where is all of this culminates to in the next game because he's learned for sure but I also feel like some other things maybe got reinforce that shouldn't have.
Right when he was learning to move on from his attachment to the Fight, he has a new thing, rebuilding Cere's legacy and keeping Tanalorr safe. It's almost like he's doubled up on all of it. Maybe he'll learn to be at peace and let things go but for now, sweet baby boy's trust issues are off the charts!!!!
Anyway maybe none of that made sense and you don't have to agree these are just thoughts after all! Take care!
i just barely finished getting caught up with the edge of chaos so far. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I'M SO INVESTED!! i am on the edge of my seat and i absolutely can't wait to see what's next. i love them all so much. also tysm for the trans alan grant content!! i hope to see it mentioned again soon. the headcanon means a lot to me ❤️ i would suggest tagging it cuz it's difficult finding content with my headcanons sometimes. it was such a good surprise though, i'm genuinely so happy. i relate to him so much. i'm actually not really sure if there's any other fics out there with transmasc alan grant... i also adore the way you've written ian's struggles with his disabilities, it feels very realistic. i am hooked and i'm so excited for the next update!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work and write this message :)
I'm so glad that my writing resonates with you, and you're right there is a shocking lack of Trans Alan Grant content out there, So I will definitely go back and add those tags. (I should have in the first place but It slipped my mind).
The most important thing to me when I set out to write the Chaosverse was to make sure that everyone felt like real people and I am always very happy to hear that I've succeeded with that mission :)
I hope you continue to enjoy what I have planned and if you'd ever like to chat My dm's are open.
@zzcrypticcoyotezz
hi yes what I’m about to say might get me doxxed for what reason but like. yall know how we have gender neutral fics to include people of all genders right? What if... we had like racially neutral fics 👀 bc as a black person majority of the fics I read are geared towards a pale faired skin person with straight hair who turns red so easy.
And of course that’s not a bad thing but like I’m sure I’m not the only one who just feels so awkward when you’re reading a story and there’s just the one thing that reminds you that oh, this was made with a white/fair skinned person w straight hair In mind. It’s just the smallest things that make a person feel out of place and not represented. Yk?
And like I’m not saying that ALL stories are required to be like racially inclusive bc who am I to tell people how to write but... it’d be nice and extremely comforting to see a lot more fics geared towards poc.. or just left neutral. Okay bye.
