The medical assistant’s voice has surprised whumpee who by now had learned no one would speak directly to him except the head scientist.
Whumpee furrowed his brows quizzically at this young woman, who had only used a blank clinical gaze to observe him up to now. Was this a trick? Upping the cruel ante to keep him interesting with a mind game?
“They might feel like a loss of autonomy, frightening- but trust me- not being there- not being aware- is infinitely preferable to lucidity once they start.”
He looked away. Away from her, away from the view of his body laid prone and restrained on the lab table. No other sights were any better though- frightening machines, trays of sharp anatomy tools and other things he could not identify every other corner he could look.
But after a few minutes cloying curiosity won out, “Then why not just force me like every other thing?”
“It doesn’t matter to the doctors. If you refuse- it makes no difference to them whether you suffer. It’s not worth the effort.”
“I will suffer. No matter what.” He responded flatly, irritated this young woman was acting as if she was taking the moral high ground. She had been working on him alongside the others for weeks already. He knew her, he recognized the low ponytail that never had a hair out of place.
“Yes. You will. But the difference will be still having your mind intact at the end.”
He swallowed as his mouth went dry. Her words were final and sobering. Without a word, he nodded minutely. Yes, he would accept the drugs.
She nodded in equally silent approval and left the sterile room, leaving him to wait on the table until they all returned, likely sooner than later.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Author(s): @ magdaliny (tumblr not found)
Date started: 2015-01-05 Series finished: 2016-04-10
Works in Series: 3, Words: 65,489
Series Complete: Yes
Parts: through smoke, solid ground , keep the earth below my feet
Ratings for all included works: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings for all included works: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings,
Fandoms: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Tony Stark
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, Tony Stark, Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Dummy (Iron Man movies), Pepper Potts, Original Female Character
Additional Tags; Psychological Trauma, Medical Trauma, standard Winter Soldier trauma umbrella, Dissociation, Amnesia, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Deaf Clint Barton, POV Second Person, Recovery, recovery and being angry about it, Explosive Ordnance Disposal, Laos, POV Outsider
Bookmarker's Notes:
Intense recovery fic, written in second person that makes sense based on the Winter Soldier's dissociation. Satisfying overall, and the OCs and prosthetics parts are particularly good. And the last fic is an outsider view of happily ever after.
“How the hell can I be sad?” Steve says, baffled. “You're here! How can you not—” But the sudden cracked-open expression on Bucky's face says that he didn't know, or not entirely, until the words came out of Steve's mouth. It feels like a mallet to the heart. Christ, has Steve been such an awful friend that Bucky'd somehow come away with the impression that he wasn't—that he didn't—
“I robbed the Smithsonian,” Steve says, “I took a bullet to the back; I dismantled an entire God damn extra-governmental organization—” and Bucky snorts and makes a little wheel-rolling gesture with two fingers. “Hey! Whether I'd've done it anyway's beside the point. I did it for you, asshole.”
There must have been a moment where we could have said no by Magdaliny is literally the best fic out there. Everyone says NEC is the best? nah this one is. Im biased but this fic literally had me sobbing and ugly crying. What the fuck man. It's been 3 days since i finished it and i'm still jarred by it. I cannot stop thinking about it. The writing was beautiful and the characters were all fleshed out. Fuck man
I’ve been reading tons of fic the last few weeks in all the haze and craze of IW, and have come across some real gems. Time to make a rec post and share the love with all of you! Enjoy xx
Note: SOME FICS CONTAIN IW SPOILERS, so check the tags before you read! This post will be spoiler free.
.............
Grab Your Things (I’ve Come to Take You Home) by belovedmuerto
22,310 words, complete
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
-----> Steve getting hit with some sparkly purple sh*t during a battle and left with all of his old ailments gives Bucky the opportunity to do something he's been meaning to do for ages.
the way your face could light the bitter dark by Lizzen
2,760 words, complete
Mature, author chose not to use archive warnings
-----> Steve finds Bucky a year after the end of Infinity War. Fix-it fic
***CONTAINTS IW SPOILERS***
the cold never bothered me anyway by icoulddothisallday
75,562 words, complete
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
-----> Bucky Barnes has spent his whole life in a state of mild hypothermia. Steve Rogers has spent the last 70 years in the ice. The two things aren’t related until, suddenly, they are. Shrunkyclunks soulmate AU
Author’s tumblr: @icoulddothisallday
So Alive by GottaSaveBucky
108,976 words, complete
Explicit,
-----> Steve is a comic book artist and creator of the character Captain America and only visits this bookstore because of the superior baked goods, honestly, not the gorgeous manager. Bucky designs the comic book displays in his little shop and tells everyone he meets about his favorite author, Steven G. Rogers.
The City in Which I Love You by magdaliny
5,209 words, complete
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
-----> Steve and Bucky raise baby goats together in Mongolia and everything is rainbows and sunshine and peace.
Author’s tumblr: @magdaliny
Moosebumps by rohkeutta
4,207 words, complete
Teen, no archive warnings apply
----->Steve and Bucky are road cyclists who don’t know each other until Bucky crashes into a moose and Steve has to go to his rescue.
Author’s tumblr: @rohkeutta
Just Dropkick the Shame by MissyPJ, Rohkeutta
7,909 words, complete
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
----->Bucky has a kind-of sort-of thing with his boss Steve Rogers, and also drunk-tweets about Captain America’s daddy level sometimes. Turns out those two hobbies may be more related than he thinks.
Author’s tumblr: @rohkeutta
M is for Murder by Rohkeutta
4,196 words, complete
Mature, no archive warnings apply
----->Bucky’s having a hard time paying rent and turns to tumblr for help. I’m pretty low on funds and need to make ends meet this month. I’m taking commissions for hits in the New York City area. Will Not Kill: Captain America or other Avengers. Will partially refund payment if target turns out to be HYDRA. Will not go to Jersey. No dismemberment or killing children. Message for negotiations and payment details.
Author’s tumblr: @rohkeutta
Collateral by Aylwyyn228
13,384 words, complete
Explicit, author chose not to use archive warnings
-----> Thanks to Hydra’s mindfuckery, Bucky can’t be penetrated without a lot of pain and yet can’t achieve orgasm without getting fucked. He’s really trying to figure this shit out, though, preferably without breaking Steve’s heart in the process.
Darling Wolf by cleo4u2, xantissa
15,605 words, complete
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
-----> When Bucky put on the mask and browsed the clubs, he just wanted to find Steve. All he wanted to was to let go, to finally relax. He didn’t expect to find so many disappointing doms. All but one. The one he’d been looking for. The one he was afraid would find him.
Authors’ tumblrs: @cleo4u2, @xantissa
Controlled Release by steebadore
9,073 words, complete
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
-----> Bucky's just having a little trouble...finishing. Completing the mission. He can squeeze the trigger but he can't make the shot is what he's saying. Which is why he's here, loitering outside a nice brownstone in Park Slope, trying to find the courage to knock on Captain Come Control dot com's door for his three o'clock appointment. You know, just normal Thursday things.
Author’s tumblr: @steebadore
Mokusatsu by Shadesfalcon
125,492 words, complete
Explicit, author chose not to use archive warnings
-----> Clint Barton has been strung along from abusive relationship to abusive relationship all his life. Now, being trapped in a bureaucratically mandated relationship with not one but two doms is going to be difficult and dangerous. Especially since these two doms are both members of the Avengers themselves. He hopes that whenever he disappoints them, they’ll have at least a little pity on him, even though he knows he won’t deserve it.
***PLEASE READ TAGS CAREFULLY, CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND PAST ABUSE but it’s so so good. just like, be careful if you’re triggered by such things, okay?***
Author’s tumblr: @polyamoryavengers
The Changes we dread (are the changes we need) by araydre, sapphire_escapist
32,370 words, 3/12 chapters as of 5.7.18
Mature, no archive warnings apply
-----> In a world where superhero IDs are still secret, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers are both Captains America, and Bucky has had enough of SHIELD controlling their life since they woke up from a 70-year-old nap under the ice. So they do the only sensible thing to do and start auditioning to find the "third" Cap... which goes exactly as well as you'd imagine.
Author’s tumblr: @cpt-winniethepooh
Carpe Noctem by GoldBlooded
68,169 words, 22/27 chapters as of 5.7.18
Explicit, creator chose not to use archive warnings
-----> When the world’s power grid is shut down thanks to a terrorist organization, the world is plunged into an apocalyptic return to violent, domineering alphas and omegas who have to fear for their lives. Alpha!Bucky and Omega!Steve wind up on the run together hiding out in a bunker in the middle of nowhere, finding connection with each other in the midst of the world falling apart.
Author’s tumblr: @duelingnebulas
How to Draw Fallen Angels by BetteNoire (WeAreWolves)
17,627 words, 4/? chapters as of 5.7.18
Explicit, no archive warnings apply
-----> Steve Rogers, smol angry artist, helps out a guy having a panic attack in a museum café. No good deed, as they say, goes unpunished.
So You Want To Read Some Eighteenth-Century Literature
@magdaliny asked for reading recs, and trying to organize my thoughts got a little out of control.
The main thing to know about 18thC literature is that literary realism isn’t a thing, yet. You may not really know a lot about psychological realism as a literary technique because it won the "what are books” battle decisively in the 1830s and most novels have had psychological realism as their foundation ever since; it’s the water you’re probably swimming in, basically. Psychological realism focuses on things like expressing character’s complex inner states, conveying their surroundings through rich and particularized details, and telling stories about personal change with emotional arcs. (I think, I dunno; I don’t study realist literature.) If you read The Castle of Otranto looking for those things you will be very disappointed.
The pre-realist literature that I love so much is still interested in people and emotions, because it’s still literature, but in ways that can take some getting used to. I wrote a lot of stuff here, but honestly, if you want advice on how to read and enjoy pre-realist literature, this Toast post on Pamela is kind of perfect. Key quote:
So Pamela’s position is fixed, and Mr. B’s position is fixed, and there’s only one winning move that she can make, and that is topping from the bottom like a motherfucker. And she DOES. GUYS, SHE DOES IT SO WELL. She drives him bananas and pretends she’s not doing it at all, which of course makes him even more bananas, and it’s terrific.
The stories are like logic puzzles in some ways, where you’re trying to figure out all the constraints, and the characters are also trying to figure out all the constraints, and you’re trying to figure out which characters are going to figure things out first, and what outcomes are possible and what outcomes are good, and the novel is constantly throwing wacky new stuff at you so you have to change everything you thought you knew, and it’s 50% reflecting on the fallibility of the human mind and the difficulty of making sound judgments and 50% gazing in awe upon majestically subtle manipulative women running an endurance race through the entire patriarchy.
So in THAT context, some recs!!
To get your feet wet:
The Castle of Otranto (1764): very short, and a useful introduction to the prose style that all of these are gonna have, so could be a good “test run” before you go further. 10/10 on wacky hijinks, but less compelling on the character and plotting fronts.
Anything by Jane Austen (1811 to 1818): literary critics love her because she’s basically 90% of the way to psychological realism, but she still also does all the shit I love. I recommend starting with Sense & Sensibility or Persuasion in most cases. In Austen (as in all 18thC novels) the ‘marriage plot’ is also a mystery novel: women are trying to figure out who the hell the men around them are, and what they need to do in order to secure a happy and stable future, and it’s a race against the clock with horrible consequences for failure or missteps. S&S and Persuasion get into the satisfyingly complicated parts of that; Pride & Prejudice does it too, but on a more “light & bright & sparkling” register that can overpower the complexity; Emma and Mansfield Park can be too complex (for undergrads, at least) since you’re also inside of the perspective of an unlikable unreliable narrator while everything is happening; and Northanger Abbey is my favourite because it’s a witty satire on a million other 18thC novels that you should probably read before you read Northanger.
Frankenstein (1818): you’re stuck with an obnoxious unreliable narrator, and it’s the kind of story where things are always on the brink of working out but then your hopes are always blasted, so I find it a difficult read in some ways -- but it’s also a powerful read, with all kinds of wounded hope at its heart, and its valuable parts can generally be accessed without needing all the 18thC context.
Capital-R Romances about women (the good stuff!):
Emmeline, or, The Orphan of the Castle (1788): a top-notch Gothic novel, and Emmeline does some top-notch topping-from-the-bottom through an unusually complicated scenario; one of my favourite heroines, for the classic “this book is so long you basically live with this heroine for a month” experience. I read this one instead of stuff that was actually on my fields list because I liked Emmeline so much and wanted to know how she was going to work thing out.
A Sicilian Romance (1790): this is my recommended place to start with Ann Radcliffe, “the Great Enchantress” who pioneered the Gothic novel. If you like this one, read Udolpho and The Italian next (in that order). Adds a layer of spooky happenings that need to be figured out on top of the social maneuvering, and has some particularly good narrative suspense.
A Simple Story (1791): a laughable misnomer of a title; I love this relatively slim novel, but don’t know how to explain why without giving too much away... it’s essentially two stories in one, each commenting on / reshaping the other, producing a masterful critique of women’s position within patriarchy. Also one of the few novels to stage a change in character.
The Old Manor House (1794): ok, this one is about a man, but he’s placed in the same “conflict between love and duty” double-bind as the typical heroine, except with the option of “go fight for Britain in the American Revolution” as a strategic move. Another good “long-time companion” novel, and one that I found unusually emotionally moving. (Probably more exposure to 18thC baseline racism than many books on this list, but the well-meaning kind of 18thC baseline racism that is trying to be anti-racist.)
The Memoirs of Emma Courtney (1796): I haven’t read this since undergrad, but it presents some of the most radical direct challenges to patriarchy (more “fuck the police” than “topping from the bottom”). I think its ending is unusually satisfying to contemporary audiences.
Comic novels about men:
Tom Jones (1749): often called one of the most perfectly plotted novels in English. I’ve studied enough Fielding to interpret his jokes generously and thus to find them amusing -- I’d argue that they’re shaped by the constraints of a deeply misogynist world, rather than glorying in misogyny -- but if the raunchiness doesn’t make you smile, give this one a miss. It’s worth it for how charming Tom and Sophia are, and how impeccably all the hilarious hijinks hold together in the end.
Tristram Shandy (1759): I love Uncle Toby so much, you guys. I love him forever. Very similar in tone to Tom Jones except there is no plot, this novel never goes anywhere, it isn’t even a novel, it’s a picaresque. But it’s a delightful ride, and in many ways very postmodern in its approach to the-book-as-an-artifact. Spring for a nice edition (or find one at your library) so you get the full effect; don’t read this one as an ebook. And send me your pictures of Widow Wadman.
Plays that maybe aren’t even 18thC any more but the theatre is where you get all the good crossdressing:
The Grecian Daughter (1772): Euphrasia is a BADASS ACTION HEROINE, and incredibly satisfying to watch! The plot gets pretty darn wacky, but it’s also still very moving.
The Convent of Pleasure (1668): a whole bunch of lesbians decide to live in seclusion together, for the pleasure of it. A trans woman joins them! That’s the play! You might need to skip some long poetry recitals, but it deeply warms my heart that this story exists.
The Roaring Girl (1611): I haven’t figured out if I like this play or not, but it’s about a notorious unapologetic butch woman, and it’s not unsympathetic to her. She and a dude agree to fake-date to piss off his dad. Wikipedia says “The real Mary Frith may have even stepped in once to play her own part as Moll” which is fascinating to me. I’d love to be able to talk about it with more people.
Sad poems:
Sonnet on the death of Mr Richard West (1775): a quick one, but eternally mesmerizing to me; Thomas Gray wrote it after his boyfriend died. Also look at “Elegy Written in a Country Church-Yard” for more of Gray thinking about death. (Remember that the church-yard contained all the graves; the term graveyard doesn’t develop til the 19thC)
Elegiac Sonnets (1784): Charlotte Smith is the master of the sad poem in this period. I particularly recommend “Written in the church-yard at Middleton in Sussex” for a sonnet that is somehow enormous.
Beachy Head (1807): long, but a mesmerizing semi-apocalyptic vision of history. It’s hard to express what I find so compelling here, but there’s this striking sense of the incredible scale at which time operates, in tension with very immediate and timely personal and political pain... it often feels very relevant.
“The Castaway” (1799): by William Cowper, who more commonly gets read as a simplistically, almost saccharinely Christian poet. Read this, and read “Hatred and Vengeance, My Eternal Portion,” and then read “Light Shining Out Of Darkness” (written right after a failed suicide attempt) and I think his religious poetry is capable of beautiful consolation.
SO THAT IS A LOT OF EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY LITERATURE!!! I tried to focus on things that I really liked, that I don’t think most people have read or even heard of, that have at least a chance of making sense and being satisfying without context. Sorry that this is sort of the “30 flavours of jam” version of making recommendations -- if you do give any of these a try, I would love to hear about it!!!
