A while back, I was in a toxic workplace situation. I couldn't afford to quit, but it was a miserable place to work: the viciousness, the cliques, the political gaming, it was chipping away at me, and I didn't know what to do.
I looked around at the people who had been there longer than me. Not the mean ones; not the ones who seemed to find joy in creating and maintaining this toxic situation, but the ones I respected. I wondered, "How has that person managed it? Why do they stay? Do they know something I don't?"
And in answer to that final question: those people, the ones who seemed to be genuinely good people living through a bad situation, they all seemed to do two things to make it through intact: one thing that was common amongst them and one that was unique to each individual.
The common thing? They stayed true to who they were. They didn't give up parts of themselves to "fit in" or to be a "good colleague," as we were often told to do. They weren't confrontational about it, but they also didn't hide who they were. They were unabashedly themselves.
And let me tell you, as a person just starting out, that was so good to see. I had often been told I needed to hide parts of myself to fit in and get ahead, and here these people were simply showing up as who they were.
The individual thing? Each of them figured out the best way through FOR THEM.
One of them, she found ways to engage with the people we served, but stayed out of the workplace culture as much as possible. She did her job--but she invested in the people we were serving rather than the ones we were trying to work alongside. She formed a community with the people we served, and it was a beautiful thing.
One of them was willing to be a part of the workplace culture, but ONLY DURING WORKING HOURS and not a minute more. She didn't do extra work to try to ingratiate herself or to further the "battles" that were raging. She did what she was paid to do and nothing more. And then she went home and spent time with her family and friends and left the job behind her.
Another one found ways to engage with the people she felt safe with in non-work activities: a reading group; a monthly luncheon. And at each of these activities, we weren't allowed to talk about the job or the people there.
I was so glad to be a part of the group she felt safe with because it taught me that kindness, camaraderie, and fun are always good for what ails you.
My workplace situation now is better, but far from perfect. However, I have good strategies for staying whole and making it through, and now more than ever, I'm going to lean on those in all aspects of my life:
I am not going to shy away from who I am. I am in a space where it is relatively safe for me to do that, and I know that that is a privilege--I don't take that for granted. But I am so tired of trying to fit in or go along with the flow so as not to create ripples. That was slowly destroying me, so now, I'm me and I don't apologize for it.
I set hard limits. Work hours are work hours. Non-work hours are non-work hours. I don't let work seep in when I'm off the clock if I can help it. But this also applies to other things. If I don't want to engage with social media or the news for a few days, then I'm not going to--and the people around me aren't allowed to try to give me "a little peek" or "tell me just one thing." This also means that if someone wants to engage me in a conversation I'm not comfortable with, I'm going to say no and disengage. [Amy Poehler has a great line in her autobiography: "No is the end of the conversation, not the beginning of a negotiation"]. Finally, this means if there are people in my life who are't good for me, who are negative, abusive, or otherwise hurtful, I'm going to cut them out or avoid them to the best of my abilities.
I make sure to stay connected to those people who give me joy, who make me feel love and happiness and I make sure they know how much I love them. This is all about my people. My best friend lives on the other side of the country and has a horrible work schedule, but we make sure to zoom every two or three weeks just to check in. We also send lots of silly text messages to each other just to say hi or hugs or hey did you hear about that comic book?!? My partner and I often end up sending emails and texts during the day--little things or even cute stories--just to check in and say "hey, I was thinking about you." Even the people I don't talk to as regularly, I try to remind them I love them: I send cheap little Halloween cards, Holiday cards, and Valentine cards to them. I send emails out of the blue just to say hi. And I say "I Love You" to all of them as much as possible--I don't want any of them to ever doubt that there is someone who prizes and adores them--someone for whom the world is better because they are in it. We all need to know that, so I make sure the people I love do.
Do any of these strategies make the big bads of the world go away? Not necessarily.
But they make me feel more resilient, grounded, and ready to face what's ahead. And that is important.
Moving forward, I am going to protect myself and love myself. And I am going to love the people around me--just flood them with it. And together, we're going to make it through this.
"The point is, few stick around. They spend their adult lives trying to make sense of this place, trying to bring a small measure of order to it, and then they can't stand to stay here once their job is done. The work does that to you. It robs you of your accomplishment. There is no reward for making it through."
- Lost Light by Michael Connelly - A Harry Bosch novel.
This is Banjo the bat dog. He’s happy you’re here to keep him company during this quarantine. Reblog and like to make it through this lockdown still in one piece and mildly sane.
