#man tag

[darkphoenyx]

I’m watching Justice League interviews, and Henry Cavill and his fucking mustache and his stupid accent are gonna be the end of me. It’s so unfair but like call me. 

[louderthanabombb]

I interpreted the ending of Bruiser being that the main boy rejects the examples of masculinity that he's been exposed to by leaving both his fathers alone, consumed by their own hubris. And the main boy drives away with one hand on the wheel like his mom. And he plays the same song his mom listens to at the beginning of the movie; singing along this time.

[tapeskingdom]

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[sky-of-honey]

I feel like no one is fucking on tumblr anymore so i’m going to use this platform for its original god-given 2010 purpose and make a personal post about my relationship... weekend extravaganza?

So I was seeing this girl for a few months, and in many ways it was nice! We met at a pre-pride event and hung out some as friends first and while it was starting I liked her quite a bit. She had just come out about a year ago, so even though she was a few years older than me we kind of felt on the same page in terms of experience with women. And she was fun, and an extrovert, which I pretty much always need, and it was nice to do queer shit!

I’m really easy going in general, and I can’t remember ever really being annoyed by someone I was dating, but she infuriated me. In little ways, like saying “I’m going to drink lots of beers this weekend” (why does that pluralization piss me off so much?) or refusing to drink tap water, but also in big ways, like always talking over you or being weirdly judgmental about stuff (makeup, online dating, etc.) And man oh man could that girl drink, and she always wanted to drink on weekends, which was the only time we were hanging out. And she was such an annoying drunk. I don’t drink, which makes me less tolerant of this shit. 

Anyway, I was getting really pissed off at her when we hung out for too long, and sometimes I’d have to ask her to leave because I had really hit my threshold. And somewhere in there, I was starting to remember how good my last relationship had been. How easy. How I had never felt that annoyance or like my boundaries were being interrupted. And I started really missing my ex. I continued to really miss my ex.  

Around the time I met the girl, my ex and I started talking again. We broke up mutually last December when he moved back to New York to pursue acting. This was on the cards the whole time we were together, so it wasn’t a surprise, but it did suck. A lot. Because our relationship was great, and I was super in love with him, and if he hadn’t left, then we would still be together. I have no doubt about that. 

So my ex and I started talking, just nonsense really, about Bojack Horseman and puns and Shakespeare. I was always waiting for him to send me some dumb dog meme or political tweet. Always wanted to hear from him. But I never told him I was dating someone, made sure never to post about it somewhere he followed me.

When I got back from a trip to Europe and saw the girl last weekend, I thought, wow! I really do like this girl. I liked showing her the pictures from my trip, and fucking her, and holding her hand in public, all that stuff. We went to bed and I was spooning her, thinking “no, I can do this, this is good.”

But I had the most vivid dream: my ex and I fucking backstage of the nutcracker (why), the kind of fucking where you finish and just go again. We were laying together and I whispered to him, the kind of whisper that you can physically feel leaving you because it takes so much of your breath, “I love you.” He didn’t respond, just kissed me, pulled me back on his dick and held me. I woke up from that. It felt real. 

I woke up to this girl and I was still in love with him. 

Not the same kind of love, maybe, as it was when he left, maybe there’s more longing in it, more idealization. Not the kind of love when you see someone all the time and can touch them. But love. After that, I couldn’t stay with the girl anymore. 

I had plans with her to go to Mexico for a concert this weekend, so we did that. She was really looking forward to it. But again, she got really drunk and my conviction just strengthened that I’d have to end it. So I did, Sunday morning. She was nice about it. Sad. I feel bad about my timing, because she had some other shit going on in her life, but ultimately, I knew I couldn’t pretend to want to date her. It would have hurt both of us. 

She left, and I texted my ex. He had sent me a message right before I went to Mexico about possibly setting me up with an old colleague of his. And I couldn’t fucking stand lying by omission anymore, so I told him that I’d actually been seeing someone, but I had just broken up with her, partly because I still had feelings for him. 

I don’t know if I expected anything: maybe for him to tell me he was seeing someone and we should stop talking. Maybe no response at all. But he called and we talked. He said he also wasn’t over me. But that he still didn’t want to be in some abortive long-distance relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. I said I didn’t either! But beyond that we just talked, and it was so nice. It wasn’t forced. He’s so fucking smart. We just vibe so well! He said he wants to talk like that again and like, bitch me too.

I don’t really know where this puts me now. I feel bad because I left the girl really upset but for me yesterday was great. I feel 50 pounds lighter. Just from acknowledging how I’m really feeling, I think, and having it reciprocated. At some point I’m probably going to have to acknowledge the reality of the situation, but I’m not going to right now! Or I am, but I’m not gonna stress about it. What would cutting myself off from this boy again do? Nothing. I tried dating, I’m not ready. And hey, my roommate’s talking about going to NY for a long weekend next year, so maybe I can see him. Who knows. I just know I feel a lot fucking better and I like it.

[sky-of-honey]

What level of hell is it when your v hot ex is in a music video making out with a very hot girl

[louderthanabombb]

Some old guy at work today when a girl walked in: My day just got so much better. You made the sun come out. You look good. 

Me when he left: Old men are gross. I’m sorry.

The girl: I know right. Like let me live my life. . 

[sky-of-honey]

I miss my ex so much! What is that about it’s been eight fucking months!!

[louderthanabombb]

#NotYourFathers

I wanna design t shirts or start a hashtag called #NotYourFathers. It would be a play on the alcohol brand Not Your Father's (they have a root beer that's pretty popular). It'd be an attempt to call attention to toxic and problematic masculinity and/or the patriarchy. And challenging these old ideals. For example: a shirt with Not Your Father's Maculinity on it.