Today’s bitching has to deal with my favorite topic, men! Here are 5 things guys do not understand. You're welcome. If you're a man, take a goddamn note.
1. Things men don't understand No. 1: YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS
I hate, HATE overly-emotional men. There is nothing worse to someone with a vagina than a man with a fuck ton of feelings he wants to share and whine and bitch about. Be a man and hold them in and go hit something instead, angry men are at least sexy. Men who are balls deep in emotions are just compounding their emotions on top of my emotions and then I get my period and a few people get killed. The “nice guy” who has feelings is not getting laid because he's not brooding and mysterious. And he's a total fucking sap. Girls don't like jerks, we like real men who don't have over-active tear ducts. Stop whining about being a “nice guy” and go buy a nice leather jacket and then maybe you’ll get some pussy. Keep your feelings inside and get angry, not sad. Angry = good sex. Sad = you drinking all my rosé. And you don't want to deal with me when I don't get my rosé.
2. Things men don't understand No. 2: Pain Killers are not for Pussies
First of all, taking ANY drugs does not make you a pussy because drugs are hard core. Doing drugs in general makes you a badass, even 11 Advil at 2 pm on a Tuesday cause you have cramps. Women have no problem tossing back a few pain killers. We’ve always got them on us and take them when we need them and get on with our shit. Men? You would think you asked them to eat a dog when you offer them a Tylenol (Which by the way, Um hello? Free drugs? Why you turning this down? Did public school teach you nothing?) They freak out and say oh no I don't need it, I’ll just go on with my menstrual man-cramps and whine about it all day. Just take a fucking pain killer! Hell, take 4! Then you'll take a nap and really be out of my way. No you know what? Take a goddamn Vicodin. But you're gonna have to pay me back I got this from a kid off the street.
3. Things men don't understand No. 3: Girl Fights
I can’t make this post without acknowledging that women are the worst. We’re petty and catty and just goddamn awful. You guys would shoot yourselves a few minutes into it if you tried to navigate the world of subliminal messages and little shit fits girls hurl at each other. So don't give me shit when I take an hour to craft a apology text for something I didn't really do but I need to see if I can get her to admit to trying to fuck my boyfriend last Tuesday at margarita night, who isn't really my boyfriend but he's like “mine” not his wife’s. I know how to get what I want, just give me time and a thesaurus and a few choice emojis.
4. Things men don't understand no. 4: Girls Getting Ready
I take a while to get ready. This is largely because I lay in my towel for 45 minutes after getting out of the shower and look at memes on the floor then suddenly realize its 7:45 and you're 15 minutes away. Then I’ve got to do something with my hair, because if its still damp, I look like a wet dog who just went dumpster diving in a sewer. Then I have to put makeup on to get the “natural look” that requires 50 dollars worth of make up and a couple of hours to cover up my natural look, which is that of a swamp monster (aka someone who laid on the floor and looked at memes for 45 minutes). Then I have to pick something to wear that is weather appropriate, but not too slutty, but not to boring, but something that says “I'm a laid back, cool girl who isn't broke or a hooker” but not something matronly and dresses are just a hassle because I didn't shave because I don't want to go downstairs with you yet since its only been 2 weeks but if I wear a dress you can't just get to my boobs without taking the whole damn thing off. But sundresses are what guys like on girls, but my go-to flirty one is dirty omg FUCK. Then you text and say “hey, I’m early cause the mere concept of pussy made my jacking off session take only 50 seconds instead of the usual minute and a half”. And I’m still on the floor in a towel, balls deep in memes trying to come up with an excuse because by now I just want to stay in and drink Rosé by myself.
5. Things men don't understand No. 5: Why we go to the bathroom in Groups
Duh, to talk shit about you. And any other girls there, but mostly you and your shitty haircut. Oh sorry, did I hurt your feelings?
keep on keeping it real, general male population!
