#mapleconsciousstream

[mapleconsciousstream]

Posting is still something really foreign to me. I've got accounts on basically every major platform there is, but I feel much more at home as a lurker. I feel like such a contradiction - I feel like no one really sees what's going on beneath my surface, but I'm closed off from the idea of letting anyone have a glimpse, despite how bad I desire it.

So here I post from a burner. Even now I'm scared of being seen - this isn't on any of my main accounts, and I'm not tagging these posts in any way that makes them easily discovered. But then I choose to make my username so similar to my main screenname that the dots could easily be connected, or I'll show people I know snippets of my writing that could easily be searched online.

I think in some regard I just want to lay proof that I'm real and that I existed. Long after I've left this world at least I'll have left traces of myself scattered along the internet. Long after this site dies, some cached copy will still exist on a harddrive somewhere long forgotten. But I'll be immortalised, longer than any friends or family will be around to remember me. Lasting beyond my life this way is the opposite of memorializing me - I can't stand the spotlight - but it eases the terror of ceasing to exist just a little. If anyone reads these words before then, then that's just a bonus.

2AM

[mapleconsciousstream]

Forced autocannibalism and defilement of a Solo can

After consuming a can of Solo, a friend tears the pull tab off and drops it through the opening of the can to my abject horror. I feel a dull sense that something is very wrong with the act - voicing my displeasure and at my friends' confusion I elaborate that the very nature of all things is the boundaries and edges that draw our start and end, our inside and outside. A pull tab is an implement that opens a portal to what's within the can - but to remove the tab and drop it through the mouth violates it. A boundary is crossed. Another friend believes I'm making innuendo about anal sex but that is completely different, that is two things communing. I feel comparison to phallic self-penetration is wrong and instead think of male-to-female cable adaptors turned in on themselves like Ouroboros. It's similarly self-consuming, but unlike the snake it is not self-destructive. The can can't breach it's own boundary in such a way. It's made to do so by outside action and force. A Solo can is not capable of treating itself in that manner without mutilation by others. My friends don't get it and I don't get it but I felt it. In writing it all feels silly now.

3AM