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Shelter in Every Storm

Part 2

Xaden POV - Companion to 'Home'

A/N: FW, IF, and OS Spoilers (They're small, but you've been warned.), grief, loss, panic attacks, violence

Word Count: >27k

Follows Xaden's POV through 'Home', beginning from the reunion at Cordyn

Forgotten - Tomorrow, Always Tomorrow - Home - Broken

For all those that were looking for different formats, here ya go!

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Sour. The taste in my mouth. The words on my tongue. Everything is sour. Shadows roam over my feet, restless and wanting an outlet, edges sharp reflecting my internal feelings, but the only mask I can wear is one of civility. A civility that hasn’t been earned, yet I’m demanded to give. Control is the only thing keeping me from frantically skulking through the halls. Pulling open every door, looking under every cover, all the gardens and every single stone.

Being in Cordyn is doing nothing but churning my stomach, the memories of my betrothal to Cat far too close to the surface. The memory of the eyes that haunt every hour of everyday pulsing behind my eyes. The bile in my throat rising that she could be here, anywhere. Hiding in the next face that passes in front of me yet still hidden and as good as if she were on the other end of the continent. But the true punch to my gut is hope.

Hope.

A silly little word that I never thought could bring me to my knees. A feeling so keen, it’s currently causing my heart to beat an erratic rhythm.

Hope that has blossomed into my chest in a bud so close to bursting. The only thing I want to do is march myself through these halls that drip with fake opulence and search every single nook and cranny. Turning up every stone of false beauty, the masks the nobles of Cordyn wear hiding the crumbling rocks behind them.

Instead, I’m left pacing the velveteen carpets of a room that I unfortunately know too well. A scoff escapes me as I go over the trip here and walk down these halls. Violet as always pushing for information, details, absolutely any and every single molecule of information I would give her.

But I can’t.

I won’t.

Not only is it not pertinent to her, since we aren’t together, but those are memories that I only want to share with one person. Experiences that I want her to know so she can truly see each and every broken piece of me. The person whose eyes I’ve been searching for again with every weapons drop since the news of Zolya and Cliffsbane broke.

Pressing Syrena has gotten me nowhere, and I know better than to ask Catriona a single question about my Blaze. If she knew how much she truly means to me, she would only inflict the worst emotional pain she possibly could. It’s the entire reason why I always let her believe that my feelings towards Y/N were less than reciprocated. But now, if I find my Blaze here, I know she’ll see the full truth of my lies.

The truth of the feelings I’ve tried to bury for her safety. A decision that now adds to the mountain of regret and heartbreak piling onto my chest. A weight that hasn’t left since flying away from Resson.

“Wearing a hole in the floor isn’t going to make things go any faster.” It’s that comment that makes my head jerk up and glare at the man that joins me in dressing.

“No, it will not, but would you prefer me to give you a black eye instead? Maybe a broken nose, so I can displace some energy?” My voice is cold, the words colder, but I have no patience.

Especially not after being dragged along with the Sorrengail siblings on this farce of a trip. I can forgive Violet’s naïveté when dealing with Tecarus, but I can’t excuse Brennan. He’s been dealing with the ever-changing attitude of the Viscount for years.

He should know better.

But no.

Apparently, I seem to be the only one with my head screwed on straight. I huff in irritation and run a hand through my hair while taking a glance at out the window towards the setting sun.

Experience dictates that dinner will begin at eight sharp but knowing the Viscount, he is prepared for a show that will come beforehand.

“Come on. Let’s get this over with.” I murmur under my breath before pulling my tunic taught and heading out the door, not concerned with how I look.

The shadows still writhe at my feet, desperate to search for the one person that they long to wrap around, but I hold them close. Instead, letting my eyes scan the halls, every few feet they switch from the left to the right, a move I usually never partake in. Not since I was taught that a Duke never searches a crowd, he lets the supplicant come to him.

Though this time, I find myself the supplicant, and I will beg on my hands and knees for just a fucking glimpse of her. I will crawl or plead for her to give me the damn time of day. But instead of letting anyone else know this information, I just continue walking, back straight and head held high, eyes still swinging to the left and right.

Faces in the crowd, some familiar, some not, bleed into nothingness as I keep coming up empty. Disappointment begins to coil, a tight grip on the small bubble of hope that had garnered in my chest. I refuse to let myself dwell, refuse to give up the small amount of hope that settled into my bones since that weapons drop.

Even only seeing her eyes became a balm to my nerves, to the grief, and to the tension that hasn’t really given up its hold. Though there’s still a slight misgiving coursing through my veins, uncertainty that it was truly her gathers in the back of my mind. I toss the thought aside, not willing to let myself dwell on the possibility.

As Brennan and I finally enter the patio area of this miserable palace, true as etiquette normally demands, we walk to stand towards the center of the room, waiting for the rest of the ladies to join us.

Time continues to tick, and my irritation grows, the difficulty in holding my face neutral beginning to become apparent as I feel the sneer gracing my lips. As the last tether on my patience pulls taught, the click of heels brings me out of my own brooding. Turning, I can’t help the way my eyebrow lifts at the sight that greets me.

The women drift forward with Catriona and Syrena leading, Violet and Mira follow behind. Every single woman making a statement of their own. Syrena keeping command, never trading the practicality of pants and tunic, perfectly poised for a fight. Catriona, a striking difference to her sister, parading around trying to look like the embodiment of sin in a deep crimson dress. Behind them both a spectacle of black, not daring to venture from the comfort color of a rider, though no less stunning. Mira’s dress is plain, but her beauty shines through even in the subtle velvet gown she wears. Violet, on the other hand, commands attention in an intricate plunging black silk dress covered in leaves and flowers.

It’s the look on Violet’s face that truly makes my hackles rise, there’s no doubt in my mind that Catriona has been digging around with the coiled fury I see in her eyes. My hand rises to her shoulder, and I give it a squeeze, urging her to drop her shields so I can speak in her mind.

‘You need to shield. Cat has the gift of mind work and if I was a betting man, I would without a doubt bet that she’s digging around in your head and amplifying whatever feelings you have now.’ I let the thought settle, but it’s more of a command than a suggestion. Her small answering nod the only indication that she heard and will acquiesce.

As the group settles next to us, my mind seems to settle back into a semblance of order though it doesn’t last as Tecarus walks up to us as if in greeting, a jarring smile painted on his face.

“We are currently only waiting on two others to join us. Once they arrive, we can begin with your wielding.” The oily voice of Tecarus seems to skirt over my skin, a sense of foreboding for the rest of the evening washing over me.

‘Something is brewing. There is a foulness that we all feel around this residence.’ Sgaeyl’s warning slithers into my mind.

As if in answer to his words, the doors I didn’t realize had closed, began to open again. With the number of people that are gathered in front of them, it’s impossible to see the forms that have just walked through the doors.

My eyes narrow as the murmurs of the people around us seem to grow louder and louder, a crescendo to a clamor that is unusual in this palace, until the remaining two guests turn the corner.

Every single noise stops as if the world is now mute of all sounds. Breath freezes in my lungs, my body unable to remember how to pull in air. My mind blanks, every single thought flying out of my head. I’m unable to blink, to breathe, to even dare my body to move as the figures draw forward. The shadows that normally flow and ebb completely stilled, as if they can no longer be controlled. The only thing I can do is take in the glorious figure in front of me.

If I thought the other women looked beautiful in their finery, they pale in comparison to the absolute goddess of a woman that continues to glide towards us. The green dress fitted to her every curve as if she was made to be a queen, to rule over every single being on the continent. The deep forest green of Tyrrendor contrasting perfectly with her skin and gold glinting in all the right places on her body and in her hair.

It isn’t just the dress; it’s the fire blazing in her kohl rimmed eyes that causes my own to flash. And her lips, the most tantalizing color of red that has every single nerve ending in my body desperate to attach themselves to her.

Gods. I always knew she was beautiful, but this is something completely different. She’s ethereal, a goddess that dares to grace mere mortals with her presence. She’s glowing as if a sprite dancing in the woods, guiding us further into the trees. A siren whose song has my heart desperate to reach out and touch her, danger be damned.

The world finally begins to rush back in at full volume when she settles in front of us with Drake Cordella by her side. My eyes are fixed to hers. I’m unable to tear my eyes away, to look at anyone or anything else. I don’t even register the steps that I’ve taken, so engrossed in her eyes. My mind is running rampant, and I can’t decide if this is a dream or reality. If it is a dream, I never want to wake up. I want to live the rest of my life just being able to look at the woman in front of me.

She looks up at me, eyes smoldering, and godsdamn, I’ve missed that look. I’ve missed the fire that dances in her eyes. Her defiance. Her sheer tenacity. The constant need to push back against any and every one willing to challenge her. The sheer willingness to incinerate anyone that dares to defy her abilities and then proceed to stomp on their ashes.

It’s impossible for me to look away.

Before I can help myself, my feet move again. Until I feel a tug on my arm, my eyes turn, suddenly aware that I’m not actually alone and this truly is real. I look down to Violet’s face and I don’t even register what she’s trying to communicate. My mind is so frozen that I can’t even comprehend what she could possibly be trying to say.

The minute I look up though, I don’t miss the sneer that my Blaze gives to Violet. Emotions and disappointment hit me all at once. The true reality of why everything is this way a hot branding iron to my skin.

There is a reason the girl that is my entire world is on another man’s arm and suddenly I can’t stop the fury. Ice begins to slide through my veins, a furor so cold I’ve never felt before. Slinking across the floor, sheer velvet tendrils coil and writhe around the scattered feet, destination clear. There is no stopping them from their goal. From their target. From reaching out to her. To the one person they know their master needs at his side.

The shadows read my every emotion, every sharp twinge of pain, the way my lungs can finally fill fully with air, settling for the first time in what seems like ages. Whisps of darkness disappear under her dress and I let out a shuddering breath as they caress the skin of her ankles. Reality crashing into me like a tidal wave.

This is real.

She is actually standing in front of me.

My breath hitches, along with my loss of control, as I feel the way my shadows touch her skin. A piece of my heart that was shrouded in darkness now finally coming into the light.

Her light.

I feel as they graze her ankles and slowly swirl around her calves. The barest of touches making my chest tighten with the truth that she is in front of me. Though a small twitch beneath her hand draws my eyes away.

Relief swiftly changing to my vision swimming in green. A wildfire of wrath.

My gaze is now focused on her hand, the one that is desperately clutching Drake’s arm as if he is chaining her to the ground, keeping her tethered. My eyes narrow as they flicker between her hand and the man’s face, that I desperately want to eviscerate.

My fists clench and unclench as the acrid taste of jealousy coats my tongue, settling like an anchor of acid in my stomach. My logic says I have no right to be angry or jealous, but when have emotions ever been rational, especially when concerning the beautiful woman standing much too far away.

Velvet tendrils of shadow wrap around my Blaze’s arm and entwine themselves between her fingers, desperately trying to remove her grip from Drake’s arm. The heart that had stopped beating at seeing her for the first time in months now beating a rhythm of pure envy.

It isn’t until the coil of Tecarus’ voice breaks through the silence that my eyes finally leave the place where Y/N’s hand rests on Drake’s arm.

I want to rage. Want to tear her arm from his grip, envelop her in shadows and take her from here, but Violet’s hand on my arm stops me from moving. I try to rein in my breathing that has turned ragged, I can’t lose control, that won’t help my cause here.

“Now that all our guests have arrived, Riorson, we can continue our discussions for the luminary.” My eyes swing to Tecarus and I can feel them burning with murderous intent.

Violet begins to step forward, beginning to raise her hands at the level to wield, until Tecarus’s voice cuts in again. “No, no, my dear. I want you to wield from the beautiful arena below. In fact, I have a few things to go through before we start.”

“You,” Tecarus says while pointing to Violet. “Will head down to the arena floor and I have a target I want you to hit with your lightning. If you’re interested in bringing anyone with you, you may - except him.”

My ire and suspicions begin to rise, before me is a man of pure calculation and nothing good can come of this. I go to step forward, but my focus is torn. I know Violet is capable, but something is telling me that it isn’t as simple as just wielding from the arena below.

‘Tread carefully.’ Sgaeyl reminds me, though I know she can feel my control slipping.

As I turn my head and see my Blaze’s beautiful eyes trying to analyze everything. I can see the way she judges the way I move toward Violet and know that she doesn’t trust me. Doesn’t realize that I’ve been fucking miserable without her.

Here I am, once again, torn between the woman I love and the one fate chose to bond to me without permission.

“Don’t worry Riorson, you won’t need to move from where you are. In fact, things will deteriorate if you do.” Tecarus’ threat carries and I know that what follows now will make me want to burn this fucking palace down.

Seeing two forms move, my gaze swings to two approaching guards and my entire body snaps tight when they grab my Blaze by the arms. If my eyes were burning furiously before, now they threaten violence that the shiny walls of this palace have never seen.

“Tsk. Tsk. Don’t move any further if you want that luminary Riorson.” The taunt leaves Tecarus’ lips and my steps falter slightly, but I won’t stumble, not this time. I won’t fucking fail her again.

“Fuck the luminary.” I growl as I try to take another step towards the guards that are about to meet a swift end. Though as I meet my Blaze’s eyes, I stop in my tracks again. The word ‘No’ is written all over her face, her eyes set and steely. It cracks my heart open that she won’t let me stop this. That she refuses my help.

“You, dear Xaden, have one task.” Tecarus looks towards the woman I love, a disturbing gleam in his eye. “You cannot move from this balcony. If you dare take one step towards the arena, our dearest Y/N will fall to the arena floor.”

Before even my shadows can react, the guards push her into a gilded cage and lock the door. A beautiful woman put on display for the pleasure of the ruling class of Poromiel. The fire in my veins begins to turn to ice, every muscle screaming to move, shadows swirling in sharp points around my feet showing their master’s intentions of violence.

Then the voice that has haunted my dreams speaks for the first time and my heart falters, the pieces arranging themselves into something that could be considered whole. “That’s what you wanted. To dress me up like a beautiful bird that lives her life in a gilded cage. To dangle me for what? To prove that I don’t matter to any of them? That I don’t matter to him?”

There’s no denying the betrayal written all over Y/N’s face, it’s a look that I am unfortunately familiar with, even if this time its not directed towards me. Though each of her words slice through the tentative hope that began to bloom.

“And what can I assume you will do if I don’t follow your instructions?” I growl in tandem. The fact that this bastard has caged the woman I love beginning to drag me into the murderous calm I only feel before the sword slices open the neck of my opponent.

“You see that’s where the fun begins.” The giddy elation in Tecarus’s voice amplifies the rage. “We get to see who is really more important to you and you get to see what happens when you don’t follow my commands.”

“Now remember, the minute you make a move towards the arena, the cage opens, and you are responsible for any consequences.” Tecarus’ eyes land squarely on me, the sadistic gleam settling behind his pupils.

This is a fucking test, designed for me. I either save the woman that will cause my death or watch the one that I can’t possibly live without die in her stead. My throat begins to tighten, either possibility tightening like a collar.

Two things happen at once; shadows alert me to movement on the arena floor and my eyes widen at the rybestad chest that is being hauled by two guards to the floor. Then the cage begins to move, my love dangling over the pit like bait on offering to a den of vipers.

Shadows swirl, calculating how to move in order to save both women, emotions on either be damned.

“This is ridiculous uncle. Bring her down right now.” Drake’s voice breaks holding an edge of anger, all the tease I’d come to associate with him gone.

Seconds later, everything in my world bursts into chaos. The guards move to the front of the chest with a key and my breath ceases as the doors open. He has a venin.

A fucking venin.

This sadistic bastard wants Violet to kill the damn venin with lighting, when the girl that owns my whole heart is dangling from the arena in a fucking metal cage.

Movement from the golden cage draws my attention and my heart falters. My Blaze is going to sacrifice herself, she’s giving her life up again as if it doesn’t matter.

Blind panic tears through me as I watch her slam her foot down onto the floor of the cage.

“Y/N!” My voice tears broken from my lungs, a roar of desperation.

The minute the floor of the cage gives way, I run to the side of the arena, terror the only feeling left in my body. I watch as she lands on the arena floor, rolling in a move reminiscent of her flawless rolling dismount. My breathing settles for one second as she rises from the floor, thankfully not hurt.

It doesn’t last though when the reason for her theatrics finally registers again.

“Y/N! NO!” I roar again, desperate for her not to give up her life. I just found her, she can’t fucking leave again, not before she knows everything.

She either can’t hear my pleas or doesn’t care, and I watch as she sprints forward in the menace of a dress that hinders every movement. Tearing my eyes from her momentarily, I clock the dagger held in the hand of the venin, his taunting of the Sorrengail siblings the only thing that could possibly save my Blaze.

‘Keep him fucking talking!’ I shout down the bond with Violet. I refuse for Y/N’s sacrifice to be in vain. I will give her all the tools I can for her to kill it without getting hurt.

I watch, eyes wide as the venin turns as Y/N gets close enough and grabs her by the throat.

Gods why the fuck am I standing here?

But I’m stuck. An immoveable statue as I watch the scene play out before me. Every nerve screams at me to run, but I know the minute I turn my head it will all be over.

The venin begins to speak, words that clearly grip my Blaze with fear, though I watch as her lips move, answering the monster, eye burning with equal flame and dread. It doesn’t escape my notice though that her chest is beginning to rise and fall at a rate too slow for life.

My mind finally catches up with my legs and I begin to move, but I don’t make it two steps before a rough hand clamps my arm and my stormy eyes meet Drakes, a look of equal furor.

“Wait.” It comes out as a command, before my eyes are brought back to the commotion below.

The venin has now let go of Y/N, his skin greying at the place where she sliced her blade. Bringing the blade back again, she drives it into his chest all the way to the hilt. A sinister smile slides across her beautiful face, but it morphs into terror when the venin slashes her chest with the blade in his other hand.

“Y/N!” Violet screams as I watch my Blaze fall to the ground, her hand coming up to grasp the slash that is gushing blood.

Abject horror turns my stomach, my breathing shallow gasps as I continue to watch the scene below unfurl. The woman I love sinking to her knees as I watch her blood pool from the wound at her collar.

“Brennan, mend her!” I hear Violet scream as her brother rushes to my Blaze’s side. I don’t tear my eyes away as I watch the skin of her chest knit back together, her breathing returning to a more normal pace. The panic doesn’t subside though when she doesn’t regain consciousness. Her eyes still firmly closed.

As the Sorrengail siblings stand and begin to move to the steps of the arena, my Blaze held limply in Brennan’s arms, my entire mind shuts except the thought of death. Vengeance. Shadows curl around my closed fists, aching to be released, screaming with the need for retribution.

With silent control, I turn, the fire behind my eyes nothing but the wrath of Dunne.

I let my hold slip. Black tendrils snake around the bodies of the Cordella heirs. I let some hold the two sisters immobile, their mind games nothing compared to the absolute loathing running through my veins.

“Do you think this is some fucking game to play?” I ask, my voice calm and low, devoid of the emotions pooling through my body.

“Did you think this little stunt was going to get you what you’ve always fucking wanted? Because I can assure you, all this will end in - is your death.” My eyes never leave Tecarus’ as he begins to float. Throat wrapped tightly with bands of shadow that allow only a trickle of breath, my hands curled slightly directing their squeeze.

“You dare to threaten the two women bound to me in different ways? To what – get me to marry your fucking niece? To punish me for breaking a contract inked before my father’s death?” My voice is smooth as I circle Tecarus’ dangling body like prey.

‘You have to let him go.’ Violet’s voice comes through, but I refuse to let her dictate this.

‘We can’t negotiate for the luminary if he’s dead.’ She tries to reason.

“FUCK THE LUMINARY!” The words are a roar, a level of ruthlessness Sgaeyl would be proud of.

Silence settles as I look at Violet, the crazed look I know resides in my eyes causing her to take a step back, only proving she could never handle me at my worst. And I can be so much worse than this.

“Xaden! Please!” Catriona’s voice cuts through the silence, the only thing to break the fragile air.

My glare intensifies as I slowly let up the constriction of the shadows on Tecarus’ throat. I get close enough for only him to hear my next words.

“If you ever dare, or even think, about pulling a stunt like that again, you will find yourself buried underneath your ostentatious palace. Take my mercy, because I won’t be giving it again.” The shadows dissipate in an instant and Tecarus’ body lands with an unceremonious thump on the floor.

I step back, the look on my face still predatory. I will never cower to this bastard again. This is the first and last time he will believe he can ever have the upper hand.

I turn, Brennan finally topping the stairs. I don’t waste time, don’t speak any other words before I sweep my Blaze from his arms and walk away.

The minute her weight settles in my arms, the adrenaline begins to crash around me. The truth that she’s really here settling my heart with equal measures of warmth and sadness. My heels click on the marble floors, the only sound surrounding us.

I take the stairs two at a time, desperate to try and wake her. Needing to see her open her eyes with a want so strong, I’m not sure I’ll survive.

This woman is my fucking undoing.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Her familiar scent hits me as I open the door to the chamber that used to be called mine. Relief flooding me as I set her unconscious form gently on the bed, the familiarity hitting my nostrils like the crack of a whip.

Eyes trace every line of her face, every little detail that I’ve been starved for these months without her. I drink her in, parched from months in the desert, devoid of her face.

Just then the thread of restraint snaps, my head falling to her shoulder, breathing her in. Tears begin to well behind my eyes, but I can’t let them fall, not before I see her eyes and know that she’s alright. My hands cup her face, desperate to trace everywhere they can reach, rememorizing each and every dip and curve.

“Y/N, please open your eyes. Please.” My voice leaves me in a rough croak, the emotion pushing the change as my hands begin to thread through her hair.

“She’ll be fine Xaden. Brennan mended her. You couldn’t ask for her to have been seen to sooner than that.” Violet tries to assuage as she enters into the room. An intrusion into the sanctuary between my Blaze and I that I did not request.

I turn to her, eyes hard, heart even harder. Here we are again, another repeat performance where her safety helped to dictate my actions and responses once again. I can’t keep fucking doing this to Y/N.

I won’t.

“You don’t know that.” The frustration at this continued cycle ever-present in my voice. “She almost killed herself trying to save you.”

The silence between us stretches, thick with a coiled tension that is waiting for a breaking point.

“We need to go anyway. Tecarus is expecting all of us for negotiations.” Violet tries to reason, but if I step into a room with that fucker again right now, I might just kill him, repercussions be damned.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Each word drips out of my mouth with vicious certainty. A knock on the door stops either of us from continuing.

“Your presence is required for our negotiations I’m afraid.” Drake’s voice slices into the room, and the bitter tang of jealousy rises again in the back of my throat.

“You can tell your fucking uncle he should be glad I didn’t send him to meet Malek today for the stunts he pulled, and I’ll come when Y/N is awake.” My reply is curt; I don’t owe Drake anything and seeing the way Y/N’s arm was wrapped around his makes me want to punch his face in. Civility be damned.

“Look Riorson, you may not believe me, but I agree with you. Everything that happened tonight is despicable.” As I study Drake, I can’t ignore the sincerity in his gaze, though it does nothing to quell the jealousy, instead fueling its pyre. “But you shouldn’t spit in the direction of Y/N’s sacrifice that she made tonight by not participating in negotiations.”

“If it would be any consolation, I can stay with her until negotiations are done. If for some reason she wakes between now and then, I’ll have someone fetch you immediately. However, in hopes to move things along, we all need this discussion about the luminary to be decided upon.” Drake continues trying to bridge the gap between us.

My gaze swings from Drake to Violet. I want to wrap them in shadows and push them out of the room. Cocoon us in the darkness until the woman in the bed wakes and I can see those warm eyes again.

‘This isn’t just about the Devoted One. You need to participate for the good of the continent. Do not ignore her sacrifice.’ Sgaeyl warns though I can feel her own unease at the thought of leaving Blaze here alone.

Wrapping my larger calloused hand around hers, I squeeze, needing her to know that I’m here – with her. A tender whisp of shadow coils from my boot and wraps around her slender wrist, wrapping tight around her skin. I shiver at the contact, and it’s the only thing that settles my heart enough to walk out of this room.

“Fine. But I’m not leaving her completely. You’ll have to deal with a few shadows if you want me to participate in this bullshit.” My words are clipped as my eyes narrow at Drake in obvious challenge. “And you better keep your damn hands to your fucking self Cordella.”

Before I leave her, I sit on the edge of the bed, leaning in as far as I can, foreheads brushing. “Y/N, Love, I need you to wake up for me. I promise you I’m not leaving this damned place without you awake and Malek will take me before I fly out of Cordyn without you. Please, my Blaze. Please wake up.”

The words choke in my throat as a prayer, a hope, a dream that she will leave with me and return to Aretia, where she belongs, by my side. I lift from the bed and my gaze lingers on her as I walk towards the doors. As they snick shut behind me, I wrap a shadow band around the handle so that I will know if anyone dares to come in or out of the room.

“Let’s get this fucking over with.” I mumble; a sneer stuck firmly on my face as my long strides eat up the space to Tecarus’ office.

“Slow down Xaden. She’s not going anywhere.” Violet mutters from behind me irritation clear.

My eyes flash and I whirl on her, my anger at her rising. “You’re right Violet. She’s not going anywhere, and you want to know why? Because of you! Gods. It’s because of you again that she’s left alone when I should be sitting there next to her. I told you not to come to Cordyn, that I’d figure out another way, but do you listen? NO!” The leash on my temper has snapped as I glare at the silver haired girl before me.

“How was I supposed to know she was here?” She protests, her own temper flaring.

“You weren’t! But every single one of your actions have consequences and I’m beginning to think you don’t even notice, you don’t even consider the people that put their lives on the line to save yours.”

And that’s when I turn, because there is the truth laid down before us. Ever since I was forced to cash in my favor, then bonded to this reckless girl, I’ve had to sacrifice the people that I love just to keep her alive. To keep her from the consequences of every rash action. To contain the reality that she wasn’t meant to be a rider.

I won’t lie and say she hasn’t stepped into the role and become more formidable, but in the end, is it enough? When will the schemes and plans that she hatches catch up to all of us, who is going to pay the ultimate price? We sit in Aretia and wait for retaliation from Navarre, monitoring too many fronts to be effective in this war. Here we are in Cordyn, meeting with a man that would have salivated at the end of Violet’s life, because he knows that would end in my own. But did she take my council into account? Did she outmaneuver him with his own game? No, instead she charges into enemy territory like a dragon assured of its claim with no thought to the actual repercussions. Just like poisoning her opponents, never taking into account how that would affect the flip side of the coin after she won a sparring match.

Reaching the heavy wooden door of Tecarus’ office, I take a deep breath and try to rein in the flare of temper desperate to break free.

‘The faster you finish these negotiations, the faster you can return to the Devoted One. Letting your temper rein will only delay you.’ My ruthless blue’s words are finally able to drag me from the frayed edge of my own anger. The sickening truth. My anger will not serve me well here; I need to be calculated and utilize what I can to my advantage.

Surveying the room, it brings me great satisfaction to see the ring of red that is quickly darkening against the Viscount’s skin. My eyes then turn to Syrena at his right hand and Catriona sitting silently sneering at me. I pay her no mind, clocking the Head General of Poromiel’s army sitting to the left. My eyebrow lifts as I clock that Queen Maraya is obviously aware of these negotiations as well, though I’m not sure of her full knowledge of Tecarus’ stunts. Tecarus gestures with his hand to the two remaining seats left open as Violet finally emerges into the room as well.

I let the shadows swirl the room, a threat as well as a warning. The time for talking is over and I will not allow another Navarrian life to be threatened in my presence.

“I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see the true expanse of your power.” Tecarus scraps through bruised vocal cords, my lips tipping up in a vicious mimic of a smile causing his eyes to flash.

We’re both playing a game though I’m never sure if there’s a destined winner.

“Though, I suppose we were able to see the power that our dear Y/N has been hiding away, even without magic.” I barely contain the growl working up my throat, shadows slashing at the chandelier that hangs above the table. Tecarus looks up, a twin to my smile falling across his face. “A beautiful sacrificial lamb, isn’t she Riorson.”

My knuckles turn white as my grip on the chair tightens, wood creaking underneath the weight of my threadbare restraint. Before I can give voice to the dangerous thoughts in my mind, Brennan’s voice breaks the preternatural calm.

“An unnecessary show, Viscount. We are here for one reason only. To negotiate for a luminary.” Brennan begins, giving me a sideways glace. “We will be leaving with our entire party, so you can skip the opportunities you have on offer.”

The words are meant to be final, to show the Viscount that he doesn’t have the upper hand, but I can tell from his lack of reaction that is nothing less than what he expected.

“Agreed. We are already armed with what I was looking for, your end of the deal is already partially fulfilled.” His words make my eyes narrow at everything he is left unsaid, uncertainty a coil around my gut. “But before you take the luminary, I have one addition to our terms. You will take the hundred flier cadets that are here after being misplaced from the attack on Cliffsbane.”

My body tenses, he wants us to take Catriona. He wants his perfect little pet to have the information that lies solely in Aretia. I open my mouth to tell the Viscount he can keep his fucking cadets, but Brennan beats me again.

“Done.” My head whips to the side, my glare aimed squarely at the Lieutenant Colonel.

“Not done. Are you willing to test the theory they will be able to withstand the trek over the Medaro Pass?” My voice carries the weight of the task as my eyes turn toward Syrena.

“Although I have no true desire to test the theory, it is the best opportunity they have to continue to learn the skills they need.” Reticence bleeds through Syrena’s words, but there’s truth laid bare in every one.

“Provided they can get through the Medaro Pass, we will take them in.” Brennan responds again, essentially trying to cut off any challenges.

“I have faith that will not be an issue, the gryphons haven’t truly been tested at altitude, and I’m confident they will do more than adapt.” Both men shake their head in agreeance and my breath leaves me in an exasperated sigh.

“We all leave as soon as Y/N is awake.” My words are terse, the one non-negotiable, but from the flash in Tecarus’ eyes, I know that he’s been waiting for this.

“Whether or not Y/N leaves is her choice. She can answer for herself once she wakes.” His words have me on edge, the terror that she will reject the idea feeling like a stone sinking in my stomach.

Discussion of additional details begins, and I can’t bring myself to sit here any longer. Rising from my seat, I ignore the protests thrown at me from Violet and the Poromish and stalk back towards the room I never wanted to leave in the first place.

I hear voices from within, and my chest begins to tighten. I try to swallow, but my throat has gone dry, dread growing heavier in my stomach. As much as I need to be in that room, I can’t help the anxiety at what my Blaze will say, of what it will do to me if she pulls away.

“How exactly did I end up here? And where exactly is here? This isn’t the room I normally stay in.” Her voice cuts through the hallway and relief floods me that she is awake, until the words register in my mind.

Room she normally stays in? She’s been in this fucking palace the whole time? Is this some cruel joke Syrena orchestrated at the behest of her sister?

“No, this isn’t your room. This is Riorson’s room from when he used to make regular visits to Cordyn.” Drake confirms causing my pace to quicken before he goes divulging my entire past with his cousin. A past that she deserves to hear from my own mouth, not his.

“You mean when he was engaged to your cousin?” I don’t miss the bitterness in my Blaze’s words, each one a slice to my ribs as I pull the door open.

“Not engaged. Betrothed. Not something I chose.” My words come out sharper than I intend, but I won’t let her think that I’ve ever actively chosen anyone but her. Drake rises as the silence passes between us and slinks out the door. My shadows snick the door shut and turn the lock.

As her eyes meet mine, I can feel every bit of hardness in my own slipping away. Though panic begins to rise as I watch the beautiful woman before me dip her head and make ready to leave.

“No.” The word comes out breathless, a whisper that barely passes my lips, my feet carrying me quickly to her side. “Please Blaze – please stay.” I am not above begging as long as possible for this woman, my voice breaking in ways I haven’t heard in years.

“Why?” One word crushes my chest, cracking my ribs open as she goes to step back from me.

I can’t contain the anguish from showing on my face, the prick of held back tears stinging the back of my eyes. No longer the formidable man that she met in the quadrant years ago, just the broken husk begging for her to come back, to come home to me.

“Do you know how long I was waiting for you to sound so desperate for me in the last year? To not feel like you had forgotten about my existence? Did you even realize the way you left me behind?” The words cut sharper than any blade that has dragged across my skin. The minute they leave her mouth, the dam breaks, hot tears streaking down my face, sorrow and anguish the only things left in my soul.

Watching as her hand flies to her chest and her eyes begin to fill with her own tears, I can no longer stand straight. My knees buckle, emotion rolling over me in a torrent of waves. My hands grab her waist, grip unrelenting, her familiar figure causing the sobs to wrack my body harder. She stays there with hands raised higher on either side, a war fighting in her own mind and I desperately plead for her to give in, to just love me again. The air freezes in my lungs, even through the tears as I wait.

Please. I need you.

As if she heard my internal pleas, her hand comes down and tentative fingers slide under my chin lifting my gaze to hers. My vision is blurred, but I can’t let go of her, scared that if I do, she’ll disappear from my grasp. Her fingers trail down my cheeks and I close my eyes trying to stop the incessant tears.

“Xaden.” Her voice drags my eyes open again as she continues to wipe the tears from my face. “You need to breathe for me, alright?”

Head nodding curtly, I try to compose myself into the controlled man I normally am, but this, there’s no controlling the need I have for the woman in front of me. For the unrestrained desperation that is pouring through every part of me.

My hands continue to flex on her waist, my grip tight and unrelenting, I couldn’t let go even if I tried. The only thing bringing slight relief is that she hasn’t pulled away, it’s the only thought I can cling to – maybe, just maybe, she’ll still have me.

Her fingers continue the absentminded stroking of my cheeks and I’m uncertain if she truly means it or is just trying to get me to compose myself. Finally, the tears dry, the sobs turning into a trembling in my limbs I can’t control. My hands come to hers shakily and I squeeze them, bringing them both to my lips and kissing the soft skin. The simple actions has my breath stuttering as I rise to my feet, the warm skin healing the cracks of my heart where only she can reach. I pull her form to the bed and sit her down beside me. She goes to pull away and I grasp her tighter, refusing to give her a single inch from my grasp.

“Y- you d-don’t know h-how long I’ve been dreaming of seeing you again.” The words leave my lips on a whispered stutter as I continue trying to tug her closer to me. Words beginning to fail me at what I could possibly say to this woman, what could possibly cover the enormous ravine that has opened in our relationship.

Her eyes meet mine and I can see the ways she’s closed off from me and I tug tighter involuntarily, my subconscious begging her not to pull away.

“Forgive the brashness Xaden, but I have a hard time believing that with everything that happened at the end of our relationsh-.” The words land harder than any punch or torture I’ve ever experienced, my breath leaving my lungs, but my mind cements itself, I will not let this be the fucking end.

“Don’t.” The breathlessness in my voice gone, the word coming out more command. “That wasn’t the end. This isn’t either.”

I will not accept this finality.

I watch as she moves her head to the side, eyes growing cold, and I want to rage against every wall she wants to throw up against me.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to make that call alone. Besides, I’m sure Violet wouldn’t want to hear that.”

Those words tear at my restraint. It feels as though I’ll never be able to remove this fucking bond from looming over our relationship. Frustration mounting, I grab her face with a firm grip, I will not mince my words. She needs to understand how vital she truly is.

“I don’t give a fuck what Violet wants. My relationship is none of her fucking business.” The words tumble as a growl from my lips and eyes flare as she scoffs in response.

“I believe it is her business if she’s part of that relationship.”

A predatory growl leaves my lips as I grasp her face tighter. “I’m. Not. With. Violet.” Each word is punctuated and barely makes it past my teeth. Refusal to accept her not understanding that its only her – only ever has been.

“More fool me then. Left behind for someone you aren’t even with.” Her words turn vicious, and I can sense this is going the opposite of what I’m desperate to convey. I’ll never get her back this way.

“I’m sorry.” My eyes soften; every bit of ire that was building leaving my body. Fighting against her isn’t going to work. I can’t fight and expect her not to push in return.

“Excuse me?” Confusion paints her brows as she looks at me, clearly expecting me to dig in my heels and fight.

Inhaling deeply, I pull her onto my lap, her familiar weight settling my emotions and heart. Bringing my forehead to rest on the side of hers, breathing in the recognizable scent of her hair, I swallow thickly before emotions override me again. My hands wrapping tightly around her waist, keeping her close.

“I’m. so. fucking. sorry.” The words do nothing to begin healing the ache that has torn us apart, but it’s the only thing I can think of saying. Each word punctuated slowly so she knows how much I mean them.

As I raise my head from her hair, the gaze that I’ve been missing meeting mine, I study every line of her face. “There aren’t enough words in this world for me to tell you how fucking sorry I am. I’ll apologize to you every damn day for the rest of our lives, but I need you with me.”

I can see the disbelief written in every tense line of her face and the way she holds herself still, doing everything she can not to fall into my embrace. “I’m certain that the last year has proven quite the opposite.”

I can’t hold in the flinch, the words finding their mark, but I can’t let her words deter me.

“I deserve every ounce of your ire. All the pain you’ve felt tenfold.” The words are simple, the meaning clear. I hurt her and I expect to be responsible for every ounce of agony she’s felt. “And I will gladly accept every ounce of venom you can toss my way. Use daggers if you want to. Make me bleed. But please, come with me.”

“I can’t.” The words pour out of her mouth without thought, causing my heart to begin racing at the thought there’s no way to fix this. The reality that maybe I am too late. “Pretty words aren’t going to fix this.”

Any hope I had bursts, a tentative bubble hitting a sharp blade of grass and I can’t keep the anguish off my face. “They aren’t just pretty words.” I plead, willing her to believe me.

“Your actions for the last year spoke louder than all the words you’ve ever told me. No matter how much I want to believe them.” Hopelessness flashes behind my eyes before I can stop it and my hold on her falters enough for her to stand and begin pacing. But she isn’t wrong, I’ve always been a man of action over whispered words and I let everything else take precedence.

“Gods Xaden, we’re even having this discussion in a place that you’d been aiding for years, but did I know anything about it. No!” Her voice rises, conviction painting every word. “You’ve been aiding Poromiel, been betrothed to an heir to the throne, and when things blew up in Resson did you even notice my reaction? Or was calming the lightning wielder down just that more important?”

The thought of that day crushes everything I had in my hands just moments ago.

“You think I don’t know how much I’ve fucked up? I’ll spend from now until I meet Malek showing you that needing you isn’t just pretty words. That all the things you didn’t know were not because I didn’t want to tell you, but because I wanted to keep you protected.” The words are harsh as my own beliefs begin to solidify. “You are as vital to me as the fucking air that I breathe, and I haven’t taken a full breath since I realized you were gone. I know I fucked up for the last year. Hell, probably even longer than that, but nothing in this world is more vital to me than you.”

By the end I’m panting, desperate for her to believe me, to understand that I miscalculated on a level I’ll never be able to return from without her grace, her mercy. She searches my face, but I don’t know what she’s looking for. What does she need from me to know how much I’ve crumbled these last months without her?

“I want to believe you. Really, I do.” She begins, still farther from me than I want her to be. “But this time you’re going to have to show me, before we are anything again – if we even can be.”

“I’ll do anything you want me to do, but you have to come with me back to Aretia. I want to take you home. To my home and I want to make it yours.” My chest is too tight, I want to claw at it, tear the tunic that rests on my body to get some fucking air.

My feet carry me closer to her, shadows curling over her feet and legs, trying to pull her in any way I can. I see a fissure in her armor, but it’s gone in seconds, a whisp of doubt in her conviction that I’m not even sure was there.

“I’ll give you this.” She says as she begins backing from my reach. “You’ll have the opportunity to show me that what you’re saying is the truth, but I’m not coming with you to Aretia.”

My arms reach out, frantic to drag her back to me, but the force of her words and fire in her eyes halts my movements. “No. If you want any chance at all, you’ll respect my decision.”

My eyes dart back and forth watching as she begins to step away from me, out of my orbit, away from my chest that starts to crack all over again at the thought of her loss. I haven’t even gotten her back and she’s leaving again. She turns around and my fingers bite into my palms as I try to hold them from clawing to get her back.

“I’ll always love you, Xaden.” Her voice is quiet as she opens the door, sadness coloring the lines of her beautiful face. “But this time you’re going to have to be the one fighting, because I refuse to be forgotten again.”

I don’t even have time to respond, to fight any more. She’s drawn her line in the sand and I know that I have to respect it, but that doesn’t change the fact that my heart that was barely put together is again shattered into pieces. Emotions begin to crawl up my throat as I hear her soft footsteps walk away.

I want to open the door, to bring her back and force her to see that she’s the reason that I’m still fucking alive, see that she holds my future in her hands. But I don’t do any of that. As the overwhelm of all the hurt, the pain, the desperation begins to bleed up my throat, I fall to my knees a second time and shout. The sound is raw, ragged, guttural, a sound I haven’t heard since Liam’s death – pure wreckage.

How can one person stand so much pain? How can I move past the only woman who’s ever fucking seen me for the man that I was forced to become and never flinched? She never pushed, never prodded, and let me love her in the only broken way I knew how.

‘She did not say no to you.’ Sgaeyl’s voice is unusually subdued as I stay sunken on my knees.

My fingers scald where they grasped her waist and hands. My nose burns with the scent that was the only calming balm at Basgiath. My lips tingle with the remnants of the silky skin of her palms.

It’s time for the Devoted One to learn that you are also devoted to her.’ My dragon continues, trying to drag me from my spiraling throughts.

‘How am I going to know that she’s safe and unharmed if she’s across the continent? How can I fight for her if I’m not there?’ The words are dragged from my psyche, the thought of leaving her making my skin crawl.

‘Simple. We will send her greatest protection back.’ Sgaeyl speaks ask though she’s been planning through our entire exchange.

Brows furrowing, I try to move past the feelings that have sunken to the marrow of my bones, a helplessness that I haven’t had since my tenth birthday. My head rises as what Sgaeyl is insinuating begins to click in my mind.

‘We leave now. I refuse to let her be without protection longer than possible.’ I send through the bond while moving to change back into my leathers.

‘Orders have been relayed. We will leave as soon as you arrive outside.’ Sgaeyl confirms.

In minutes I’m decked for war and this time it’s completely personal. She’s not walking away with finality; she’s not my mother. She’s holding back until I can prove that she really is my world and there is nothing that will stand in the way of proving that true, of keeping those words I promised her so long ago. My steps are sure, though every inch of my body fights my mind to stay here where it knows my Blaze is, but her protection is more important right now.

The only happiness in this new direction is that the brown dragon that has let me know daily of her disdain for my actions will be reunited with the rider she fought so hard for.

‘The others are going to stay for the liminary while we fly for home.’ My acknowledgment hums through our bond as my steps quicken to be away from this godsforsaken palace.

As I mount Sgaeyl and settle into the seat, I take one more look back before collapsing onto her scales and we burst into the air.

I know my Blaze can’t hear me, but as the palace fades, I promise myself that this time I will not lose her. This time I will prove to her that she is everything to me, the sun to my sky, the shelter in every storm, and I will get her back.

__________________________

“We found her.” My voice is breathless as I dismount Sgaeyl as quickly as possible and run towards Dhioch.

Running at a dragon that is not my own is foolish, but I haven’t been the most levelheaded in the last few months without Y/N.

“She’s in Cordyn. You have to go back to her and keep her safe.” My words are command, and I can tell by the way Sgaeyl prowls forward that I am testing the brown’s patience.

‘I don’t need your command, Shadowed One.’ Dhioch slams her teeth in front of me, but I stand my ground.

‘I understand. I – I just need to know someone is watching out for her. I need her to be safe.’ My words are a plea now, despair shining through.

‘She is formidable with or without me. But she will not be alone long.’ Dhioch doesn’t even grace me with a goodbye as she stretches her bronze wings and sets out towards Cordyn. The anxiety doesn’t leave me completely; my throat beginning to tighten as the brown dragon fades from view.

‘You will do what needs to be done and deliver weaponry. Dhioch will see to it that she is protected, though it seems she was faring well enough on her own.’ Sgaeyl muses as I continue to stare in the direction of Cordyn.

Finally, I turn heading straight towards the Aretian forge. There’s no longer time for waiting. War is upon us and the only way we can kill them is producing daggers as fast as possible. My steps are sure, focus clear, this forge will run day and night. The minute the first daggers are finished, I’ll be delivering them personally to Cordyn, Assembly’s opinion be damned.

I’ll keep my hands and mind as busy as I can until I can get back to Cordyn and finally bring her back home.

___________________

The days begin slipping through my fingers far too quickly, yet the hours pass lazier than the Iakobos River in the winter. The mining of the ore and mixing ingredients moving slower than my steps through the mountain snow. I’ve taken to imbuing as much as I possibly can when in Aretia, desperate to have a shipment large enough for delivery.

“Sitting here glaring at the wall isn’t accomplishing much.” Bodhi’s tease hits, but I don’t move my eyes.

“I’m imbuing alloy for the daggers jackass.” My words are curt, my entire body tense with waiting, tight as a bowstring ready to snap.

My eyes turn back down to the dagger in front of me, but I can feel Bodhi’s gaze trailing my every movement. “If you’re just going to stand there and stare at me, you could make myself useful so I can get to Cordyn faster.”

Without further prompting, Bodhi sits on the chair next to me, sweat running down my forehead as the heat of the forge weaves through my muscles and the additional drag of wielding heats my skin.

“Was it really her? Is she truly in Cordyn?” My gaze slowly moves up to his, familiar eyes locking with my own.

“Yes.” The word comes out in a breath, truth wrapped up in dread. “She’s there, and I pray to Amari that she’s let Dhioch back in so that she has some protection.”

Silence begins to reign before Bodhi breaks it again. “Do you think she’ll ever come back to us? Come to Aretia, I mean? Does she know how much we all miss her?”

There’s no way to miss the hitch in his voice, the way emotion begins to thicken each word. I clench my jaw, trying to keep my own emotions steady, but the grief at the unknown is a constant weight on my every waking thought.

“I – I don’t know.” I hate every single word as they leave my mouth. The uncertainty a living being that has tethered itself like a shackle to my every move. “All I can say is that I will beg and plead until she will at least let me back in.”

My gaze falls back down, because fuck, I have no idea how I got here.

I was born as part of a contract, an obligation that only needed to be fulfilled until everything I knew was tossed away. Then I lost every shred of my humanity at the age of seventeen, a child that had to pay a penance doled out in vindictive lies. I had to watch as children screamed and cried, desperate for their mothers and fathers, clawed against their older siblings with the grief handed out with smirks and derision. Stand tall and stoic until I had to watch my own father, the only parent I had left, burn, leaving me alone.

Alone, yet still responsible. A hundred and seven lashes to my back, the only way to save us all from the same fate of dragon fire, to save children that had no say in the actions of their own parents. Conscripted into a fate they knew most of us wouldn’t survive, tossed and thrown to the whims of loyalist nobles that cared not for our lives, just to save their own skin.

Until I finally found one damn light in the sea of darkness that had become my life. But even that was taken by Navarre, my own time taken from me under the favor I had to fulfill to keep us all alive. The need to drop weapons just so the continent might have a fighting chance. Then the dragons had to make it worse. My life tether to the sadistic assholes that had already thrown my everything into upheaval now a direct line to my existence.

The oppressive weight of everything makes my breathing lock. The walls close in, as I try to comb through the anger, resentment, depression, and desperation to break through the chains that are a ceaseless tether.

I blink, working to clear the thoughts from my mind. For my own sanity I focus back on the task at hand. The repetitive motion of imbuing daggers and the wardstone the only thing keeping me from flying straight to Cordyn and forcefully bringing Y/N back to Aretia. Or just falling apart completely.

I know that I must prove my loyalty to her, prove that she is truly my everything. To do as she requested. Every ounce of control I have is the only thing keeping me in Aretia and focused on my assignments at outposts. My own home beginning to resemble a prison without her here.

“You need to get some rest, brother.” Garrick’s voice cuts through the haze that settled over me. I only grunt in response, because even when I try, sleep won’t find me.

“I have about ten more and then I will.”

“You’re working yourself ragged Xaden.” Garrick continues as he comes to sit across from me, his own eyes a question at Bodhi as he gets up and makes his way out of the forge.

“I have to keep my mind busy, even with repetitive work, because if I don’t, I may just go mad.” I say, if there’s one person in this palace of a house I can break in front of, its my best friend.

“I know – truly, I do. But do you think that you’re going to win her back if you can’t even take care of yourself?” Garrick gives me a pointed look, and I find my reflection in the dagger in my hands.

My eyes are sunken in, permanent bruises seem to mar the skin under my eyes, my normal skin tone a pallor of its normal bronzed look.

“If you look like you’ve given up, how do you expect her to believe that in the end you will fight? Fight for her, for your relationship? For love?”

“I don’t know how to sleep without her, not now that I know where she is.” The sadness settles in my bones and leaves me on an exhale. “The nightmares always used to be dragon fire, slashes to my back, and death. But then she walked into my life and they disappeared. And now, every single dream is her leaving, believing she wasn’t worth anything, that she isn’t the fucking air that fills my lungs or the blood that beats through my chest.”

Silence extends over the room as I pick up another dagger and the weight of it in my hands becomes the only thing grounding me. Garrick doesn’t try to push; doesn’t try to explain why I need to pick myself up and get a grip. Instead, the heaviness of understanding sits between us.

“We’re a fucking pair, aren’t we?” I can’t help but huff as I set down another dagger into the crate. “I lose the woman that I would give my soul for because I couldn’t stop and give her the attention she deserved. And it seems you’re having the same issue, though you can’t seem to force yourself to admit it in the first place.”

A snort leaves Garrick’s lips as I watch him shake his head at my words. “I suppose we aren’t best friends for nothing.”

My lips quirk up in a smirk, the ridiculousness of the situation almost comical if my heart wasn’t so fucking broken. The chair across from me creaks as Garrick gets up to leave. As he passes, he claps me on the back before turning.

“Seems like we should both figure our shit out then.” Garrick tosses as he walks back towards the house.

A true smile crawls across my face and my heartbeat quickens as I realize I finally have enough daggers to make another trip to Cordyn.

________________________

‘I do not appreciate being woken up early for this.’ Sgaeyl grumbles as I place the shipment on her back and secure it.

‘It’s after five. If we want to make it to Cordyn by the afternoon we need to leave soon.’ I grumble back to her. I’ve been up since two, not able to contain the anxiety that has crawled up my chest.

‘Just because you can’t seem to settle your own heartbeat, doesn’t mean I should have to sacrifice my sleep.’ Her resounding rumble tells me I shouldn’t push my luck, because it’s beginning to run out.

‘Well, if you want to get Dhioch to convince her rider to get her ass back to Aretia, I promise I’ll have someone else assigned to this.’ I snark back, more than ready to already be in the air.

‘I do believe its your own fault, so no, I won’t be trying to convince Dhioch for you. Besides, you’ve had enough things given to you on a silver platter. It’s about time you put a little extra work in for a woman’s attention.’ My lips thin at the dig. Leave it to Sgaeyl to call out my past privileges again.

‘Let’s just go. You can continue to point out my deficiencies from the air.’ I volley back, my pent-up energy making me snap at my girl again.

‘I’m looking forward to drilling you into the ground with the girl that has managed to make you a lovesick fool.’ I bite my tongue, trying to keep the quip I desperately want to make to myself and instead begin to steel myself to prove to my Blaze her true worth.

As the opulent palace begins to shine on the horizon, I must force myself to hold the shadows to my frame. They desperately seek to lash out and search the palace to twine around my Blaze, just to reassure myself that she’s truly there. Though I know that if I do, I will not be doing myself any favors in getting back to her good graces.

Descending into the courtyard, there’s no way to miss the brown dragon that has taken residence as sentinel in the garden. I can’t help the way my eyebrow raises knowing that Tecarus is most likely fuming at the turn of events. Of course he wanted the protection of dragons, but not at the expense of his precious gardens and perceptions. He likes to play so that he controls everything, but clearly Dhioch has no respect for his wishes.

As Sgaeyl drops next to Dhioch, I chance a look at the brown unsure if I’m in her good graces or not.

‘You have found her Shadow Wielder, but you have not earned her forgiveness, nor mine. You will tread carefully or I shall make good on my promise.’ Dhioch’s voice is a blade wrapped in silk. She may be happy to have her rider back, but that means every single thing I inflicted on her rider is now floating again through her mind.

‘I promise that I will respect whatever she tells me, but I can’t promise that I won’t beg.’ My words are steel. I will show my respect to both Dhioch and my Blaze, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get on my knees again for her.

After unfastening the shipment and handing it to the attendant, I make my way into the palace. If one good thing came out of the situation with Catriona, it’s that I know the nooks and crannies of this castle just like those in Riorson House. I let my shadows loose, every whisp intent on finding the only person I’m looking for in this damn maze.

Soon a tug is pulling me towards the hallway leading to the training grounds, the minute I feel it, I sprint. My heartbeat a wild symphony in my chest, anxiety and need weaving in the pit of my stomach. Turning the corner, my eyes land on the shadow that still pulls me forward. For a moment, I stop, my entire frame shaking in both relief and disbelief.

“Blaze.” The nickname tumbles from my lips, a command, a plea, a prayer, all wrapped into one. She continues walking, not even stopping to indicate that she’s heard me.

The world comes rushing in again and I refuse to let her walk away. With a flick of my wrist, a shadow wraps around her wrist and tugs sending her stumbling, but the minute her gait falters, I’m there, her form colliding with my chest.

“Will you stop calling me that.” She rasps irritatedly, but all I can do is continue to wrap around the woman I love. My hands snake around her waist, pulling her as far into me as I possibly can.

My face falls into the crook of her neck, my entire being sagging in relief. “No.” The word leaves my lips breathlessly.

“Why?” She wriggles in my hold, but my heart and hands refuse to let her go.

“Because there is no alternative I will accept, then you burning with me. You’ve always been an all-consuming flame, whether passion or hatred and I’ll never let your blazing glory go.” As the words leave my lips, they brush against the soft skin of her ear, my blood heating with the fire that only she can stoke.

She huffs at me and yanks herself out of my grip, the cold that overtakes me feels like being plunged into the frozen lake in Aretia. “Is there something you needed? Or are you just here to torment me?”

I flinch at the accusation, that she truly thinks that I ever want to do anything but bring her happiness.

“I’m making another drop.” I say simply.

“Aren’t there other people in this group of yours that could do such a menial task?” She asks and the pinch in her features does nothing but showcase every ounce of aggravation she carries.

“Of course there is. This man just can’t help himself from being subjected to your company.” My eyes narrow the minute I hear Drake’s voice. My hands ball into fists, my nails biting at my skin while the acrid taste of jealousy coils from my stomach into the back of my throat.

“Well let me not subject you to anything, I was just on my way out.” My Blaze’s retort is meant to burn, but I’ll relish in anything she’ll give me at this point.

“Wait.” I stop her with my hand, not willing to let her leave me so quickly.

“What? Sgaeyl didn’t give you your report from Dhìoch?” My eyes flare at her, the indignation in her eyes causing shame to flare up my neck.

“Exactly. Don’t think I don’t know why my dragon suddenly knew where I was.” She says pointedly, eyes beginning to blaze with her familiar fire. Without acknowledging me longer, she turns to Drake and the jealousy begins to coil in the back of my throat again. “I’m going on patrol, Drake, I’ll be back later.”

“I’ll come with you.” The words leave my mouth instantly after she finishes. The thought of Drake being anywhere near her making my nostrils flare and hands close into fists, the bite of pain keeping me from punching him in his smug face.

She whirs on me, a frustrated sneer on her lips. “You, sir, are not enrolled in service to the Poromish, so I don’t think you will.”

“No, I’m not, but I wasn’t asking your permission either.” I step into her space, my own defiance flaring to life. She lets out a growl of frustration before turning and marching away towards Dhioch. I flex my fingers as I try to rein in the tang of jealousy and flare of annoyance.

Her feet finally make it to the flight field of the palace, and she turns back towards me, every inch of her radiating challenge. The ferocity in her stance and fight in her eyes making my blood heat inconveniently.

“What are you trying to accomplish?”

Her accusation makes the frustration I feel leave in an exaggerated sigh as I rake my fingers through my own hair. “I’m trying to prove to you that you are my fucking world. But for some reason, you won’t give me the time of day.”

A humorless laugh leaves her lips. “I won’t give you the time of day. That’s rich coming from you.”

Recognition of my words hits harder than if she slapped me across the face, my features slackening sheepishly. She rolls her eye at the display, clearly past talking and still not trusting my words.

“Let’s go if you’re coming.” The exasperation in her voice is high as she finally acquiesces to my presence. My eyes immediately light up, hope bursting like the sun over the horizon. Reflexively I pull her forward and embrace her tightly, the slight agreement giving way to a flurry of emotion. As soon as the familiar scent of her hair hits my nostrils, I can’t help myself. I let my head drop and place a lingering kiss to her hair, the action healing something broken inside my chest. A breathless ‘thank you’ leaves my lips and I turn and mount Sgaeyl before I either overstep or piss her off more.

____________________

“Your presence is needed in the Assembly Chamber.” Brennan’s voice floats to me as I walk through the halls of Riorson House.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I don’t stop my strides, determinedly striding towards Sgaeyl and ready to see my Blaze again after being sent to the front.

“I’ll see the Assembly when I return.” My tone is clipped, short, the same length as my current patience for anything in between Sgaeyl and I.

“Xaden.” My name is a command, and I turn towards him with a snarl on my lips. “You’re needed here. Someone else can take the shipment to Cordyn.”

Eyes narrowing, I take two steps towards Brennan, we may be matching in height, but the menace radiating off of me causes him to take a step back.

“No.” The word is final, my stance leaves no room for give. “You can tell Suri, Ulices, Kylinn, and Trissa that if they still aim to make me the Duke at the end of this, I will come when it pleases me.”

“I’m done letting everyone else dictate my fucking actions. That includes, you, the Assembly, Violet and anyone else that thinks they are owed my loyalty and immediate action. If there is no imminent threat to the civilians of Aretia and Tyrrendor from the venin, then you can stop yourself right there.”

Shock crosses his face, eyes widening slightly before he’s stepping up, trying to push my boundaries. “You can’t just leave because of one woman you can’t seem to let go resides in Poromiel.”

My own eyes flash back, my nostrils flaring at his thought that he can somehow chain me here, tether me to the revolution that owes me more than anyone. “Yes, I fucking can.”

“Its time that you all get it through your fucking heads that until she’s with me, this is what you will deal with. I don’t care what anyone thinks.” I spin, walking back up to Brennan with threat in my eyes. “Honestly, let Aretia and Tyrrendor burn to the fucking ground, hell all of fucking Navarre. I will never again choose anything over her. Tell that to the fucking Assembly – and your sister while you’re at it.”

My footfalls are heavy as my boots clip against the stone ground. The thought of leaving her behind because of duty again crawling up my throat, emotions trying to crest out of my control.

‘You won’t.’ Sgaeyl’s voice slides through my mind as her snout comes down in front of me. ‘Neither you nor I will let the Devoted One suffer the same fate again. I will not tolerate your emotional turmoil a second time.’

I can’t help but huff a watery laugh. Leave it to my ruthless girl to threaten me with disappointing the girl I love again. As I mount, the constriction that has lain on my chest since Resson loosens, the same way it does every time the realization hits that I will get to see my Blaze again. I pull my goggles down, the hope that accompanies the view of Cordyn beating like an unrepentant rhythm in my chest.

_________________

Weeks later, we begin to descend into the sharp reflection of the bright afternoon against the marble palace. Scanning the skies and city below, there’s no way to miss the quiet hush that has overtaken the normally boisterous afternoons. My eyes sweep the normal places we have seen Dhioch resting and my pulse begins to quicken as every corner seems to come up empty.

‘Settle yourself.’ Sgaeyl huffs, her own agitation shining through.

‘Can you sense Dhioch?’ As much as I try, I can’t keep the anxiety out of my mental voice.

Sgaeyl’s pause causes my own worries to heighten, clearly there’s something she doesn’t want to say.

‘Sgaeyl.’ The warning in my tone is sharp. I know better than to talk back to the giant, fire breathing lizard, but my heart is about to beat out of my chest.

‘You will seek answers in the palace.’ Her tone is clipped, indicating that whatever waits there is nothing good.

Before Sgaeyl’s talons even crash into the ridges of the upturned ground, I’m sliding down her foreleg, shadows twisting into a lasso of the nearest door and swinging. My boots crash to the ground, my body not even registering the reverberations from landing before I’m sprinting through the halls.

As I turn through the unfortunately familiar corridors, my shadows snake in front of me, desperately reaching for my Blaze’s now familiar door. As I watch the inky tendrils begin to sneak under the crack, my pulse begins to quicken again.

Swinging the door wide, my head swivels left and right, frantically searching for the familiar smell, form, voice, anything that tells me she’s still here. My eyes land on the chair where her pack is normally kept and my throat begins to tighten as I come to the realization that she isn’t here. I try to breathe through the mounting panic, but my mind can’t do anything but bring up the memories of her disappearance in Resson.

Pace quickening, I tear through the palace straight to the Viscount’s sitting room. As soon as I open the door, the shadows crawl up the walls, sliding over pieces of furniture and open books, menacing shapes erupting at the ends of each tendril.

“Where the fuck is she?” My hands curl to tight fists at my sides while I feel my jaw tick.

The three figures in the room turn their heads to me, each one with varying degrees of wariness. A sick satisfaction rolls across the Viscount’s face and my control barely holds. The temptation to wrap inky whisps around his neck and squeeze, beginning to make my palms itch. The thought of violence is the only thing breaking past the panic looming in my chest.

“Of whom do you refer?” The Viscount muses in a sickeningly sweet tone. My lip curls in a sneer, my hands shaking with the force of my control.

“Don’t fucking play with me Tecarus.” I say as my eyes focus on the snake of a man in front of me, ignoring Syrena and Drake.

I march forward, vision tunneling to just the man in front of me. I hear a door click, but my focus won’t be broken from the manipulative bastard.

“Riorson.” Syrena’s voice tries to break through the tunneling of my vision, but I’m hanging by a thread.

“Xaden.” My first name makes my head swing up to meet Syrena’s familiar gaze, the shadows beginning to wrap around both of their legs in warning. “She’s not here.”

“Where the fuck is she?” A thin leash holds back the beast that wants to tear apart the two people in front of me.

Shadows begin to encapsulate every ounce of light in the room. Blackness clawing to destroy those who would keep my Blaze from me.

“Start talking or you’ll never be able to open your godsdamned mouth again.” My gaze is laser focused, death shining in my eyes that continuously darts between Tecarus and Syrena.

Syrena brings her neck up, trying to move past the hold of the shadows that are now clawing up their throats. “Pull the shadows back and I’ll tell you.”

I look at her, every cell in my body convinced she’s lying.

‘Control yourself now.’ Sgaeyl’s command cuts through and the shadows slowly recede from their forms, but I let them continue to squeeze the light from the room.

“If you would give me a minute to explain, you’ll know.” Syrena’s words are clipped, irritation sparking, but I don’t care. “We’ve had some intel that there’s a possible attack on Pavis.”

I don’t know what a small Poromish town has to do with anything, but I let a small amount of light back into the room.

“Y/N demanded that she be sent to Pavis, and she’s been there for about two days.”

The minute Syrena finishes, my footsteps are pounding heavily on the marble floor. Scuff marks from my run showing every ounce of the route I’ve torn through.

‘Are you ready Sgaeyl?’

I don’t bother explaining, she knows that I’m at my wits end. There’s no reasoning with me, not anymore, especially when it comes to my Blaze. All rational thought has left my mind like leaves on the autumn breeze.

The minute I make it outside, the claws of Sgaeyl’s foreleg greet me. I continue my run, heart beating out of my chest, panic and adrenaline bring my breaths in rapid gasps. My hands grip Sgaeyl with as much force as I can muster, the gesture the only thing grounding my racing mind.

‘What if we’re too fucking late? What if the town’s already been attacked?’ My words are as frantic as my mind.

‘Then we will do what we can.’ The words are final, but there is a note of uncertainty. Thought I can’t blame Sgaeyl’s worry, because if we don’t find her, I’m not sure what I will do. Even the thought of surviving her loss again is an impossible task, especially if this time its real.

As the distance between Cordyn and Pavis closes, my mind is in a blank panic. I try to rein in my thoughts, my emotions, but everything just feels scattered to the wind. The suffocating pain of the women that I love walking away from me consuming every single bright spot. As much as I want to toss away the pain from my mother’s disappearance, from the loss of her at the young age of ten, I can’t help the way it tears at my soul to this day.

I know that I’m sliding into the pit that my Blaze painstakingly drug me from, a hole of despair when it came to the woman I love leaving. The thoughts that I’ll never be enough swirling into a darkness even my own shadows could never penetrate.

‘Stop your assumptions.’ Sgaeyl’s command is sharp as the forest begins to part. ‘The Devoted One is not the one who birthed you. She did not have an obligation to care for you, just as I do not. She is in service of Poromiel and you know well, as a rider, you are at the whims of those above your station.’

Its never passed my notice that Sgaeyl has always been willing to speak on my Blaze’s behalf, but for a dragon known for her ruthlessness and not kindness, the words strike even harder.

‘Settle your anger, before you end up saying something you can’t take back.’ The words slice as we begin our descent into a small town. I have never been to Pavis, but as I let my gaze settle, the quaintness of the town washes over me.

Movement in a farther field catches my eye and I look up to see the familiar brown scales of Dhioch. Relief and fury rage in equal measure as I take in the gryphons that are gathered behind the dragon’s massive form.

‘Dhioch confirms the Devoted One is at the tavern. I will get you as close as I can.’

I know exactly what Sgaeyl is not saying. I begin to rise, snaking my way down the familiar scales of my blue beauty’s back. The minute my feet hit the ridge of her shoulder, she dips slightly forward, and my feet gain momentum as I begin the freefall. I tuck into the familiar maneuver and in seconds my boots are scraping the ground. I let myself continue the short jog to the building that I assume must be the only tavern in town and try to slow, but my pounding heartbeat claims otherwise.

Taking measured steps forward, it’s impossible to restrain myself from pushing the door open with the force of my anger and frenzy. My eyes instantaneously land on a scene I’m beginning to find both all too familiar and ferociously irritating. As my anger mounts, the cold that always seems to settle into my bones without the woman in front of me, seeps deeper into the air.

“Why are you always with him?” My words are a growl, the anger and jealousy crawling up my throat as I stalk towards the only other two in the tavern.

Hands balled into fists, it takes every bit of hold to make the shadows stay, to not let them lash out with the ugly burn of jealousy that lights through my system. Y/N’s eyes spark in challenge and it makes me want to both punish her and kiss her senseless.

She turns, clearly fed up with my arrival and directs her attention to Drake. “Thanks Drake. I’ll take it from here and I’ll speak with you again before you leave regarding the next few weeks.”

As Drake turns, he nods to her, the action too familiar, pulling at the dread in the pit of my stomach. The bastard turns slowly, a small smile playing on his lips and I want to bash his fucking teeth in. My focus turns as my Blaze finally turns back to me, with a deep breath and a look that could wither a lesser man.

“What the fuck is your problem?” She snaps as she straightens, clearly prepared for a fight and I can’t hide the surprise in my eyes.

“My problem. You just fucking left Cordyn and didn’t say a fucking word.” I grind out, my teeth clenched and jaw feathering.

“Here’s the problem Xaden.” Her tone and words clipped. “You think you have a say in where I go. You aren’t my wingleader anymore. I do not report to the cadre at Basgiath or in Aretia or whatever the gods names you are part of, so I don’t see where I’m stationed or move to is any of your business.”

My jaw ticks again and I tense further. I want to argue, to fight back, but she’s right – and I hate it. I would give away everything if I could just have her under my command again, have her only called to action if I wanted it to happen.

“I am more than aware of all of that. I am aware that I have no right to know where you are.” My anger still tinges my tone, but I can’t stop the fear that I know is swirling in my eyes. “But for my own fucking sanity, I need to know.”

I barely whisper the last words, each one causing my chest to tighten as I let myself be vulnerable with a truth I never admit out loud. Taking a shaking breath, I close my eyes, trying to contain the emotions that want to run riot.

“I have no right to demand anything from you, and I know that. But I about went out of my fucking mind when I searched for you, and you were nowhere in Cordyn.” I take a breath trying to clear the emotion from my throat.

Suddenly, we are too far apart, and I can’t take it anymore. Will not accept any distance. My arm shoots out and I grab her wrist, pulling her too me to wrap both my arms tightly around her. “I ca- I can’t lose you like that again. You can’t just disappear.”

My last words are a whisper, a plea, poured directly from my heart, aching for her own to understand as I bury my face in her hair. Seeking the comforting scent of her and the warmth of her form.

I don’t miss the way she stands there, uncertainty wavering in every line of her form, body poised for flight. My heart is seized in a vice as I wait for her either to melt into my arms or push me away. The weight of the time slipping by making the grief in my heart grow.

A second later everything in me breaks as her arms circle my waist and she squeezes back lightly. My breathing hitches at the movement, the hope finally beginning to shine through despair. I furrow my face further into her hair and tug her against me tighter. When her voice sounds again, it’s a gentle whisper, a balm to the ache that has been growing since our fight that seems eons ago.

“Truthfully, I wasn’t trying to hide from or scare you.” She pauses, though her tone remains gentle. “There’s been intel given and I chose to come back here. This place is special to me.”

The minute the words leave her lips, I pick up my head, confusion flashing against my face. She gives a tired sigh in response.

“After I left Resson, I traveled on foot for a few days and found myself here. I worked in this tavern for a few months before the owner, Red, put me in contact with Drake to assist with the war effort.” There’s no hiding the hurt that crawls into my eyes. Learning of what she was dealing with settling itself between my ribs, lost to those she thought didn’t love her, in a new town with nothing and no one. Each revelation makes my heart twist with sadness.

“Someone could’ve killed you if they knew you were a rider.” I can’t help the panic, even when she huffs a laugh. The thought of her without any power, any way to protect herself truly eating at my core.

“At the time, I didn’t really care.” Eyes flashing, I gather her back in my arms again as my heart breaks all over again at her resignation that we never cared.

“Though I have to ask one question.” She asks as she pulls away to look me in the eyes, a pained look sliding through her colorful irises. “If I didn’t disappear, would you be acting this way? Would you be fighting for me like you are now?”

My face falls, everything I’ve done crashing down around me. Of course I want to say yes, but if she would’ve just blindly followed, would I have made her importance so clear to everyone around me? Would she have felt left behind when I had to travel back and forth to Basgiath? When I had to rescue Violet from Varrish’s hands?

If I were her, I don’t know if I could even entertain the idea of forgiving someone. My actions seem to slice through me, the feel of talons and the crushing weight of her disappointment cleaving through my heart more effectively than any blade. My own heartbeat stutters as she takes a few steps away, the loss of her a deep ache in my chest.

“Exactly.” The pain still radiates in her eyes, but her tone is resigned. Fight draining from the prior ferocity. “While I was here, I was welcomed. Hell, I’d go out on a limb and say I’m loved. And you dare to be jealous of Drake, when he’s done nothing but look after me for the last few months.”

“Gods Xaden. Is there any us to go back to?” Her words are bitter and want to sever everything in their wake. All the hope that had been building in my chest begins to stutter, the door beginning to shut and dread begins to tighten my throat.

“Don’t say that.” The words are a quiet plea, though I know there is nothing I can say to fix this.

“Why? It’s the truth. You’re trying to atone for something that I don’t even know if we can get past. How can I trust that when push comes to shove, I’ll be your priority?”

“Fuck! I know!” My tone is explosive, my anger at my own actions reaching a boiling point. The bitterness at my own actions a pill that I don’t want to swallow. “Do you not understand how angry I am at myself for the way I treated you. For the way I let you be left behind.”

My boots hit the stone floor, a frantic rhythm, the only thing keeping me grounded. “I’ve woken up every fucking day – when I did even fall asleep - replaying all the fucking ways I’ve failed you. The one person I never wanted to neglect; is the one person I wholeheartedly failed the most.”

“And no, I can’t change all my shitty actions. I can’t do anything but try to gain your trust back for the rest of my fucking life. I would gladly take a scar for every way that I’ve hurt you than lose you forever. You are the only sunshine I’ve found in a life that’s been filled with nothing but rainstorms and darkness. I’ll do whatever I can to prove to you that I’m worthy of you. That you are my only priority.” Words gathering, the need to touch her is overwhelming. I feel like floating wreckage of a ship at sea and she is the calm shore I seek. Grasping her hands, the only moor in this storm that I’ve created for myself. My thumbs begin to stroke over her wrists, the movement trying to console some of the despair that I’m drowning in.

I watch as she tips her head and closes her eyes, I want to read her. I need to know what is going through her mind. To know that there is a way to pull us through the hurt, a way back to each other, but I won’t. After everything, I need her trust, her love, and I won’t be able to build any of that back by trying to root for the answers I seek.

A sudden blare of sirens burst through the haze of our argument and she straightens, pulling her hands from my grip and yelling for two others to find Drake.

Sheathing her weapons, she turns her head, every ounce of pain gone and focus turned to whatever the incoming fight. “We can discuss this more later, but you need to leave. That’s the attack siren and if Dhìoch is correct we only have about twenty minutes.”

My eyes harden with the news. “I’m not fucking leaving.” The last thing I’m going to do is leave her with a threat on the doorstep and only three people left to fight.

“Yes, you are.” She volleys back. “You aren’t even supposed to be here and this isn’t your fight. You need to get back to your own riot.”

“I’m not fucking leaving you here to fight alone.” I hiss through grit teeth as I follow her out of the tavern. The thought of leaving her alone cracking the fragile relief my heart has found.

She turns and pulls me by the lapels on my jacket, her words and gaze equally steely. “Yes. You. Are. This is not your fight. This is Poromiel, not Navarre, not Aretia, not Tyrrendor. Go home and defend it.”

She lets go and turns to bolt for Dhioch, but my hand shoots out and wraps around her wrist, turning her to face me. I’ll be damned if I’m going to leave and not come to her fucking aide. I just found her again and I’m not letting this be the end.

“I’m going to get the rest of my riot from Draithus and will be right back.” I explain as I place my face directly in hers. She needs to realize that I’m not backing down. Not now, not ever. “Do not be reckless.”

I don’t let her respond before my hands move again. One is lost in the softness of her hair at the base of her neck, the other wrapped around her waist and holding her as close as I possibly can. I drop my head and kiss her as fiercely as I can, letting all my grief, longing, and desperation pour into every second. The kiss is over too quickly, but I know that I can’t linger. She gasps as I let go, immediately turning and running for Sgaeyl.

‘We need to get in range for the riot at Draithus. I don’t want to go all the way there, but we need backup.’ Sgaeyl doesn’t wait for me to be seated before she shoots up from the ground.

I don’t let myself turn around, because I know if I do, I may not be able to leave her. It takes everything in me to keep myself from swinging off Sgaeyl’s back and sprinting back to my Blaze. My fingers tap my thighs in a restless rhythm, the hum of battle and blood singing under my skin along with the flame of worry that I won’t get there in time.

Entrenched in my own anxious thoughts, I’m almost unseated when Sgaeyl suddenly banks right and glides back towards Pavis.

‘Chradh is in range. I have notified the riot to alert all available riders.’ Sgaeyl’s silken voice breaks through my thoughts, my veins begin to sing with bloodlust. The insatiable need to repay the enemy for the loss of my friend and brother.

‘Remind Chradh that Y/N and Dhioch are there, and they are the priority.’ My voice holds both demand and plea, knowing that Sgaeyl could easily deny my request.

‘They are already aware. I have relayed the relevant information from our time there. I left out your groveling and holding onto your sanity by a tether.’ I roll my eyes, but don’t deny it.

We haven’t flown more than five miles before a familiar brown dragon flanks Sgaeyl. Garrick’s familiar curls whip in the wind, face firm as he nods in greeting. My heart settles slightly now that he’s here to make sure Blaze stays safe. He knows that her safety is paramount, and he won’t hesitate to act if I cannot.

I plaster myself to Sgaeyl’s scales, my body desperate to cut any amount of resistance. As the town begins to slide into view again, my eyes widen as my nostrils begin to fill with smoke. The ash and smoke rising from the town below has the little bit of calm I had retreating completely.

Suddenly another brown dragon rises in front of us, and I instinctively search Dhioch’s back. When I come up empty, panic begins to claw up my throat, but I push it down and set my eyes on the wyvern in view. It’s then that my eyes widen.

A venin looks locked in battle, but there isn’t anyone in the direction the creature is looking. The billowing robes fan out as the dagger in their hand, dripping in an opaque green, slices down and seems to embed in an invisible surface.

“Amari, no.” The words are a whisper. A petition to the goddess that what I think just happened isn’t true.

But as blood begins to drip, Blaze’s power begins to flicker, her form coming fully into view. I can’t tear my eyes away as I watch the venin lunge forward, but before it can connect with her, she trips. I scream her name as I watch her fall from the wyvern’s back, helplessness singing through my bones.

Sgaeyl doesn’t wait, doesn’t tell me she’s moving. I jolt in my seat, using my shadows to keep me tethered as I’m almost vaulted into the air with the force. As I watch in horror, knowing we will never make it in time, Dhioch slices through the air and catches her rider. But it isn’t enough. The momentum of Y/N’s body has her rolling off her dragon’s back, body falling again through the air.

In seconds Sgaeyl pulls up quickly and my body finally reacts, shock giving way to action. My hands shoot out, bands of shadows grasping feverishly to break her fall, to drag her to my arms. Biceps straining and sweat running down my forehead, I force the shadows to hold. I shove every bit of magic I can into the safety of the woman I cannot possibly live without.

Both too fast and too slowly, she is finally wrapped in my arms, but the desperation doesn’t calm. My hand grasps her side and wild panic begins to set in as my hand comes away black.

‘She’s been fucking poisoned. We have to get her to Brennan.’ The words are a petition to Sgaeyl.

‘Perhaps the distance wield-’

‘NO! I won’t fucking let her go.’ My words are final. The true panic, the cost of the war we are fighting settling into my bones. My throat tries to close as I send entreaties to every god and goddess in the pantheon to save the woman who is feverish and limp in my arms.

I feel as Sgaeyl begins to land and it has my anxiety skyrocketing. ‘Why are we landing? We should be headed to Aretia.’ My demand is met with silence, even though the rage of battle still clatters around us.

My gaze swings as I watch Drake jogging towards us. I tighten my grip on instinct, my body recoiling at the thought of letting her go for even an instant, but my eyes catch on the vial that rests in his hands.

“Set her down Riorson.” Drake demands, beginning to tug her towards the ground.

“Get the fuck off her.” I growl, seconds away from letting the shadow satiate their bloodlust.

“I’m trying to save her life asshole. Use your brain and not your emotions for just a second.” Drake demands, his own will battling against my own.

“These herbs will slow the poison. And from what I can see, there is more than one entry point into her system. We have to get this down her throat now or she won’t make it.” The fire in his words and stare, cut through the haze of worry.

I place her down, but my hand cradles her head, tilting it so that her mouth parts slightly, head resting gently on my shoulder. The way her body lays slack, her fiery spirit subdued by poison, it makes me want to burn the world. Every nerve in my body sings to turn and make the venin pay, to watch the light drain from their scarlet eyes and hurt them with more pain than she will ever feel. Instead, I focus intently on her lips, watching as Drake pours the concoction into her mouth and tries to get her throat to work the herbs down.

Her throat bobs slowly, gasping breaths still tearing from her. My fingers find her wrist, letting the slight pick up of her pulse bolster me slightly.

Drake drains the remaining drops of the herbs and helps to close her mouth. “You’ll need to get her to a mender or Poromish healer quickly. The herbs will slow the spread of the poison, but she needs a larger dose or someone to pull it completely.”

I nod at him, though my eyes never leave the woman in my arms. I hear Drake’s retreating footsteps and I let myself take a breath.

That one moment proves to be the mistake.

Without a warning, talons grip around my shoulders and lift me off the ground. Panic claws as I let the shadows curl and wrap around my Blaze, bringing her back into the safety of my arms. Eyes then rise to see the familiar blue scales of Sgaeyl.

‘What the fuck was that?’ I demand as I adjust Y/N in my arms.

‘Would you prefer that I let you be drained by a venin while you were grounded.’ Head whipping, my eyes widen with shock when I register the purple robes and the hand still firmly drawn to the ground.

“Fuck.” The words are a whisper of frustration. My mind has been so focused on Y/N that I completely forgot about the battle being raged around me.

‘Calm yourself. We have been called to retreat and regroup. The town has been lost. Riders have been directed to return to Aretia.’ Sgaeyl’s words do nothing to stop the devastation or the thoughts of what could’ve happened if we wouldn’t have been there.

The thoughts cause my grip to tighten on my Blaze, my fingers gliding to her wrist desperate to feel the thrum of her pulse. Its strained and fainter than I’d like, but I place my hope in the herbs Drake gave her as Sgaeyl picks up speed, headed straight for Aretia.

_________________________

“We both need to see her, please.” The voices outside the door begin to pick up, and my brow furrows at the outburst. Everyone in this house knows better than to disturb this room.

I walk to the door and pull it open to be greeted with a sight I never expected. There are two people I’ve never seen before walking next to Brennan. Brows furrowing, I step out of the room and focus on the three.

“This is the one you’re going to need to speak with in order to see Y/N.” Brennan says as he points my way.

“And who are you two?” I ask with suspicion plain on my face.

Blue eyes narrow on me, clearly aware of more than I am. I try to read them both, but my confusion only grows when I come up blank.

“I’m Redvers and this is my wife, Ceridwen.” The man steps forward, challenge written on his face, but I only cock one eyebrow. His wife rolls her eyes and pushes in front of her husband.

“We’ve come to check on Y/N. She was with us while she was in Pavis and has become a daughter of sorts. Drake brought us here and confirmed this is where we would likely find her.” Ceridwen explains as her fingers twist in nervousness. “She also told us a lot about you, Xaden Riorson.”

Hearing my name makes me take a step back. It’s been a while since someone from Poromiel has addressed me so openly, at least someone not of noble birth.

“Yes, she told us plenty, which is why we’d like to see her and make sure she is being taken care of.” Redvers cuts in, and I bristle at the insinuation. Though it doesn’t last long when Ceridwen’s elbow finds Redvers’ stomach.

“Now you both can have a pissing contest somewhere else, but I want to see if my darling girl is alright.” Ceridwen cuts in again. I wrinkle my nose, not wanting to give in, but knowing my Blaze, she’ll be furious if I don’t.

I step back to the door and open it gesturing for them to go inside. As Ceridwen rounds the door and sees the bed, her hands fly to her face, and she moves directly for the bed.

“Oh, my dear.” She says as she sits lightly on the bed next to her, grabbing her hand.

Though its Redvers reaction that truly has me astonished. He stands there in front of the bed, as if his feet are plastered to the floor. His gaze fixed on Y/N’s frame and in seconds his shoulders begin to shake.

“You silly girl. You should’ve just let me fall.” Redvers says under his breath, clearly not knowing that I’m close enough to hear, his silent sobs slightly distorting the words.

Each word opens one of the cracks in my heart. I’m both thankful that my Blaze had people to take care of her and equally terrified that they convinced her that she could find someone better than me. Find a life filled with happiness and not one of blood and heartbreak.

After a short time, I find myself sitting in the chair closer to my desk. Legs sprawled out as I continue to keep vigilance over my Blaze, Redvers, and Ceridwen.

A look of happy nostalgia passes across Ceridwen’s face before she turns to me. “I don’t know the full story about what happened between you two, but I do know that the woman in that bed is loyal to a fault. If she loves you and you let that go, just know that you may have given up the greatest love you’ll receive in your entire life.”

I look back at her, a sad smile crawling across my face. “I won’t say that I haven’t made enormous mistakes when it comes to her, but I can promise that it won’t ever happen again.”

“You better see to that.” Redvers comments as he cuts me a quick glance. “Because if you do, I’ll make sure it’s the last mistake you make.”

“Red!” Ceridwen cries, giving him a look of admonishment.

“What? I’m not going to let him hurt her again and get away with it. If she’s willing to let him get close again, that is.” Redvers says, clearly not put off by his wife’s reprimand.

I nod my head in acknowledgment. “Trust me, I’ll let you do whatever you want if I dare to hurt her like that again. Provided that she doesn’t beat you to it.”

“Ah, yes, she has seemed to come into her fire, hasn’t she.” Redvers snickers, a proud look in his eyes.

“She certainly hasn’t forgiven me yet.” My words are low as my eyes fall on the girl still quiet on the bed.

“Good, that must mean I’ve taught her well.” Ceridwen muses and I can’t help the smile that follows.

My thoughts turn at the realization of Blaze’s previous words about the couple in front of me and after watching their care for her, there’s only one thing I can do.

“Are you both going back to Poromiel soon?”

“We aren’t sure right now. Firstly, we would like to make sure Y/N is alright. But after that –“ Redvers cuts off with a shrug. “That tavern was our life, our retirement after my years as a flier.”

I let the thought settle, but knowing my Blaze, it doesn’t take long for the plan to solidify.

“Would you both be willing to settle in Aretia?” I ask turning between the two.

Looking at each other, their brows quirk, clearly taken aback by the question.

“I mean, we don’t want to be a burden when we know you are all still rebuilding.” Ceridwen replies though I can sense she’s tired of just the small travel they’ve had to deal with.

“Nonsense.” I contradict. “Besides, we could use another tavern in town. That is, if you both are interested.”

I know that if Y/N was awake, she would be overjoyed at the smile that crosses both of their faces. I only hope that having two people that have supported her fully will make her smile once I finally see her awake again.

“If that’s so, we’d love to.” They reply in unison.

“Wonderful.” Rising to my feet, I put my hand out, wanting to get into some of Redvers good graces. “I’ll speak with Brennan and see where we have an open cottage and the best area for a new tavern, but I know the people will be more than excited at a new place to entertain them.”

_______________________________

It’s been days of restlessness. The desire to bust through the doors of Riorson House and fly – anywhere – pulling at every inch of my being. Yet, I can’t imagine being anywhere but here.

As I stare at the form in the bed, my eyes strain from my efforts to not let them close. I’ve convinced myself that if I blink, she’ll either disappear or I’ll lose her to Malek forever.

‘Dhioch has confirmed their bond is strong. You just must be patient.’ Sgaeyl’s words are meant to soothe, to provide the knowledge that its only time and healing that separates the woman in the bed and myself, but it doesn’t take the worry away.

‘I won’t believe that until she opens her eyes.’ The reply is the same one I’ve given to Sgaeyl and all the others for days. I just can’t let myself believe it’s the truth.

Finishing the statement, there is a light tap on the door to my room. At this point it can only be a handful of people. I’ve driven the others away in fits of rage enough for them to finally understand to leave me alone. As much as the Assembly has barked orders and disgruntledly voiced their objection, I will not cower to those who are in my home because I let them be. The threat to throw them out is not one I made lightly, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Brennan opens the door, his familiar auburn hair sliding around the slight opening. It’s the one person whose presence brings me a kind of comfort, knowing that he can sense if there are still issues in Y/N’s body.

“How long is this going to take?” My impatience is clear as I flex my hands by my side. As much as I try, I’ve been riding an edge that I can’t seem to get off.

“That’s not something I can predict. I can’t mend the poison from her system.” Brennan replies as the exhaustion in his voice becomes clear. Between healing Y/N and the others that were brought from Pavis, he’s been on a constant rotation of patients.

“It’s been over a week. It didn’t take this long when Violet was poisoned.” My feet continue their pacing.

“I understand, but poison doesn’t affect every person the same. Besides, from the light discoloration from her veins on her left arm, it seems like this has happened before.” Brennan’s reply is curt, exhaustion etching each word.

My footsteps come to a sudden halt. “What?!?” I can’t keep the panic away. How did I not know before?

“Didn’t you notice the black veins running down her arm while we were in Cordyn. They stood in stark relief to her skin and that dress.” Brennan says, though his tone of nonchalance is doing nothing to soothe the mounting worry.

“I was a little busy trying to keep myself in one place and not forcefully pick her up and leave with Sgaeyl, so no, I suppose I didn’t notice.” My anger and fear swirl again in a never-ending circle when it seems to come to my Blaze. “Besides, why would that matter, that was over a month ago now.”

“Yes, but her body obviously wasn’t recovered from that poisoning, so now it’s taking longer.”

“And I’m going out of my fucking mind. I’m being ordered to Draithus again tomorrow and I can’t leave not knowing if she’s going to be okay.” My stoicism has seemed to completely drain from my body. Emotion catapulting through every crevasse, no longer contained in my gaze.

“Unfortunately, Lieutenant, you don’t have much of a choice. You’re going to be leaving tomorrow with Sgaeyl, and you’ll have to deal with it.” Brennan’s gaze and words grow hard, all feeling leaching from his voice.

“Don’t fucking try me, Brennan. You won’t fucking win.” I challenge. This isn’t the first time the idea of throwing the Sorrengail’s out of Riorson House has crossed my mind in the past few months.

“Oh, I don’t have to try you. Lieutenant Colonel, remember?” Brennan turns, leaving that as the threat he thinks it is. My lips curl into a sneer at the door and my breath leaves in a disgruntled huff. If it wasn’t for the fact that he has wormed his way so deeply into the Assembly and his powers as mender, I may have kicked him out ages ago.

Turning my head back to the woman that my heart beats for, I lower myself onto the bed, aching to be closer to her.

“Blaze, I need you to fight this. I need you with me. You can’t leave me again, not like this, not before I can show you how much I love you.” I let the pain gather in every word, there’s no one here to watch me fall apart. As my hands shake slightly, I let my head lull forward, my forehead resting on Y/N’s arm. The tears are silent as they split me apart. I let myself break, my only reassurance is the slow rise and fall of her chest and the beat of her pulse beneath my fingers.

Days later, that’s the one hope I cling to as I dress in a fresh set of flying leathers. I linger at the bedside just taking in her form, committing every inch to memory as my heartrate speeds at the thought of leaving her. The unknown clawing at my bones.

“You need to stop hiding in here Xaden.” Violet’s words float to my ears as she comes into the room behind Brennan.

My gaze swiftly finds hers but she doesn’t flinch at the animosity burning in my eyes. “No one told you that you were welcome here, Violet.” I don’t hold the irritation out of my voice, she should know by now my room isn’t a place for her to be.

“Welcome or not, someone needs to get you to see reason.” Gods. This woman. Why can’t she just stop pushing? Its always the same incessant need to push you past the boundaries you’ve already set.

“Trust me, reason has never been clearer than what I see right in front of me.” My words are piercing as my gaze lands back on Y/N.

“You’re going to put the fate of this rebellion on a chance that she might wake?” Brennan now pushes; they are clearly trying to force my anger to push past restraint.

“I didn’t ask for either of your opinions on my relationship. In fact, I would very much like you to just check her and leave Brennan.” My words are steel, immovable against their continual prodding.

“You may not have asked for opinions, but this entire rebellion is your fight. You chose to pick up this mantle out of the ashes of your father’s fight. Now, its time for you to realize that your own relationships will need to suffer a little bit at the rebellion’s hands.”

My gaze finally turns as Brennan finishes. He may be a strategist, but he must’ve forgotten who he’s dealing with. Shadows writhe on the floor, agitated like an entire den of vipers at the insinuation that I sacrifice the woman I love for a cause that owes me more than anyone.

“I may have chosen to pick up the mantle, but I can also chose to leave it behind. You hold no power over my decisions formally and as far as power is concerned, I’m of a disgraced house. If I see fit to leave this behind, I will.” If my words were blades, they would cut through skin and bone like butter. “So do not make me chose. You will not like the outcome.”

A frosty silence settles over the room, a heavy weight in the air. Neither of them dares speak again. Brennan turns around and walks away, but Violet lingers, clearly not done pushing.

“You know she won’t stay.” Violet comments as she begins to walk away. The comment is given off-handedly, both a dig and provocation, but I’ve been more than prepared for anyone to bring this up.

“Then neither will I.” The response is out before she can even complete her next breath.

That causes her to turn, brow furrowed as if I’d drawn a line she never expected me to. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, it’s only her. It will only ever be her. And from here on out, you, Brennan, the Assembly, hell, everyone on the Continent, even in the Isles if I must, will know it will always be her – only her.”

I turn back to the door and shut it before she can respond, exhaustion washing over me, but I harden as I move towards the bed. I told her that I would be here when she wakes up and from here on out, I’m never going back on a single promise I make. The world could be burning around me, and if she calls, I will come, threats of death or harm to anyone else I love be damned.

I don’t know when I drift. When sleep finally takes me after days of anxious waiting, frantic searching, and then another scare for my Blaze’s life, but for the first time in months my body feels at rest. The position in the chair next to her may be uncomfortable, but it’s the only place I’m willing to be.

_____________________

The click of the door brings me out of my reverie. “Nothing yet?” Bodhi’s voice is quiet as he looms in the doorway. There’s no way to miss the sadness in his eyes. I lost the woman I love, but both he and Garrick lost a friend. We’ve all fucked up royally, and none of us know if she’ll ever forgive any of us after this.

“No.” Gaze moving back to the bed, her pulse, once a reassurance, is beginning to taunt me. I just need her to open those beautiful eyes. I need to know that the last words I spoke to her weren’t in anger and command. I’ve never been a religious man, but I’ve entreated the mercy of every god for her to wake up healthy and whole. For her to come back to me, to forgive me at some point.

“I promise I’ll keep an eye on her Xaden.” Bodhi replies as he walks into the room. “If anything changes, I’ll get word to you as soon as I can.”

I swing my hand to his shoulder and squeeze. I’d prefer to be here myself, but I can’t just shirk my duty when nothing seems to be changing with her state, even though my entire body revolts at leaving her.

“I know. It’s the only thing I can dare hope for cousin.” My hand drops to my side as I drop back onto the bed.

Touching her forehead with my own, I breathe her in, bracing myself for the loss of her while at the outpost. “It’s taking everything in me not to tell the entirety of this rebellion to fuck off and stay here with you. Just know that I will be thinking about you every moment love, I need you to know that I’m coming back for you – only you.”

Moving to stand, I don’t let myself look back, because I know if I do, I’ll never leave.

“Take care of her, Bodhi. I’m counting on you.” I toss over my shoulder as I step out into the hall.

Beginning the trek down the staircase from the family quarters, the inconvenient bond that I share starts to pull taut and I know I won’t be alone for long.

Violet’s boots pound the staircase next to me as we both continue towards the large oak doors of Riorson House’s entrance.

“Surprised to see you leaving.” She comments, a slight mock to her tone.

From the corner of my eyes, I look at her. She still stands head held high and resilient, but even I can see the cracks in her armor after battles keep coming with no reprieve.

“If I didn’t have orders, I wouldn’t be.” There’s no elaboration, no comfort, just facts. Our relationship has turned into one of reluctant acceptance that we will always need to work together, but the edge into my confidence that I had given her before has dulled.

We don’t speak again as we break apart. Opening the large oak door to the courtyard, I take a deep breath, the cold clearing the haze that had settled into restless days next to Y/N’s bedside. As much as I don’t want to go, I can’t deny the pull in my bones to destroy something, to feel the freedom of flight.

The song of violence dances in my veins as I mount Sgaeyl and we fly to the outpost. I am more than ready to deal the same brutality my Blaze received back to any venin that dares to cross my path. In fact, I welcome the bloodlust as it thrums through my veins.

_______________________

As Sgaeyl’s wings glide on the winds of the cold autumn morning, my mind is filled with all the what ifs. After a week of patrol on the front and no word from Bodhi, I’m walking the edge of sanity. My mind is clouded with what I’m going to do if I find that Y/N is still in the same spot in the bed where I left her. The silence stretching far beyond what I’m comfortable with.

I scratch the scruff that has grown in from days of constant movement. Exhaustion pulling on every muscle and limb makes me want to crawl in bed for a week, but the uncertainty of what I’m walking into has my entire being on edge.

Sgaeyl doesn’t bother speaking, she’s more than tired of my constant thoughts over the last week.

‘I think you mean since she left. Besides, haven’t you ever heard the human saying of no news is good news.’ I reel back in surprise at Sgaeyl’s words. It’s the first time she’s spoken since we’ve left the front.

‘Of course I have, it doesn’t mean that it’s actually true.’ I snap as my surprise wanes.

‘If she’s awake and all you’re doing is scowling, do you think she’s going to open up to you?’ Curiosity lines Sgaeyl’s tone as I roll my eyes. My nosey dragon is more than fond of human relationship dramatics, especially my own.

‘Oh, be quiet you.’ I can’t help the sass. I’m on edge and I don’t feel like entertaining Sgaeyl’s pointed words.

‘You may find yourself with a few obstacles on your way in.’ She comments wryly as Riorson House finally comes into view.

I ignore the words and as she swoops close enough to the field, I let my shadows hold as I dismount Sgaeyl. Her form continuing onto the valley beyond. I don’t break my strides, wishing in my mind once again that I had Garrick’s gift of distance wielding.

As I reach the courtyard, I see squads of second years gathered and waiting in groups. My eyes are drawn to the girl who is smaller than the rest. It’s almost comical how easy it can be to spot Violet in a riot, and it isn’t because of her hair. No, her smaller stature sets her apart from every other rider on the field.

“Come on Sorrengail, we’ve got to get going if we want to win that weekend.” Rhiannon calls towards her, but Violet’s feet stay firmly planted.

“Back from the front?” Violet’s voice cuts through the din as she aims her words at me.

“Yes and needing to get inside. I’ll catch up with you later Violet.” My words are curt, my sole aim to get to my room as soon as possible.

I hear her call something else as I continue walking, but I’m too focused to bother figuring out what exactly it is.

My emotions are torn as my feet land on doorstep, waring between relief and panic about what I’ll find inside. A deep breath has me swinging the doors wide, eyes darting around the crowded hallways that greet me. Cadets shuffle between classes making it almost impossible to get to the staircase of the family wing.

A familiar head of curls comes into view and his gaze sweeps to mine, surprise flashes in his eyes before Bodhi is trying to dart away between the gathering crowd.

“Bodhi!” My voice booms at his retreating form. Heads swing towards me, but no one moves to stop him from dashing away.

Shadows stream across the floor, heading in the direction he left in. They swirl up his arm, stopping him, but he counters and is off again.

“Damn it.” I mutter under my breath as I muscle through the gathering crowd.

“Move.” Command leaches from my voice as I snarl at everyone in the hall. In seconds, the crowd has parted, cadets flinching from the steel in my tone and gaze. I don’t bother holding back my strides, lengthening every one until I’m almost at a run.

As I turn the corner, I see Bodhi dipping into the library. As I step into the familiar space, I check to my left and right and don’t miss the look from the scribe sitting near the entrance.

“Bodhi?” His name is as much of a question as it is a demand.

With a look of slight fear, the scribe points in the direction of the farthest bookshelf. Nodding, I turn, my steps purposeful, yet silent on the stone floor. I let the shadows crawl up the wall, sentinels waiting for command. The minute the edge of the shelf clears, they fall and stop Bodhi in his tracks. His hand comes up to move them from his way, but this time he isn’t getting away that easily.

I step up behind him and my hand falls to his shoulder, tightening in a grip so he knows that this game of cat and mouse is over.

He turns slowly and his eyes hesitate to meet my own. “What the fuck is going on, Bodhi? Why did you run from me?”

I don’t miss his flinch as my hand tightens on his shoulder. His mouth opens and closes, as if he can’t exactly form the words of what he wants to say. My eyes flit back and forth, trying desperately to figure out what he’s not saying.

“Spit it out.” I say, frustration getting the better of me.

“She’s awake.” He spits with a false smile that has my own pulse spiking.

“And…there’s something you aren’t saying.” My eyes narrow as he continues to fidget, clearly wanting to be anywhere but here.

‘I believe what he’s trying to convey is that she’s awake, but not currently there.’ Sgaeyl slips into my mind, a mix between amusement and irritation coloring through the bond.

“Where the fuck is she?!?” Exasperation mixing with dread has my previously even tone now reverberating off the rafters of the library.

Creaks of chairs and the closing of books tells me that everyone in the library is now listening. A huff of annoyance puffs from my nose as I begin dragging Bodhi with me back to the courtyard.

“Talk. Now.”

“I – I went to check on her yesterday and when I got there, the bed was empty.” My fist curls around the lapel of Bodhi’s flight jacket where my fingers still grip him tightly. “I walked in and there was no sign of a struggle or anything and then I heard the shower running. I thought about knocking at the door.”

Bodhi hesitates, looking at me like he doesn’t want to continue his thought. “I figured you wouldn’t take too kindly to me seeing her in the shower or otherwise undressed.” He clears his throat, clearly having thought about this more than I’d like. My eyes narrow before he continues hurriedly.

“So, I left and went to my next class. I figured by the time battle brief was over, she would be finished and wanting to figure out where she was.” Bodhi stops, his shoulders sagging.

“But, by the time I made it back, she was gone.”

“Gone where?” My voice drops, the fire behind each previous word turned to ice.

“Calm down, cousin.” I bristle at the words, fists now clenched white at my sides and my jaw locked tight. I can feel the muscle feather in my jaw from holding myself back.

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down. Where is she, Bodhi?”

“Dhioch hasn’t left the valley. Cuir confirmed with Dhioch that she’s in town with the people that had previously taken her in.” As Bodhi finishes, I’m moving. I don’t care what else he has to say. My Blaze is awake and I’m not wasting another moment without her.

‘Sgaeyl, is she at the small cottage that Brennan had told me about?’ I reach out, needing to know where to go.

There is a pause where I’m unsure if Sgaeyl is just ignoring me or if she just doesn’t want to be involved. I grab a horse from the stable and make my way into town

‘The Devoted One is on her way back there. But, you must hurry, Dhioch can feel an unusual exhaustion pulling on her.’ I pull up in the saddle and urge the stallion forward, encouraging him to move as fast as he can.

As we move through the rubble between Riorson House and the small cottage, my pulse kicks up, hoping that I will find her before anything goes wrong.

A figure moving in the distance catches my eye and it’s not hard to see the exhaustion that is pulling on each of her limbs. Her movements are sluggish, the opposite of her normal grace. Bringing the stallion to an abrupt halt, I hoist myself off before it stops completely, momentum dragging me towards her.

Eyes widening, my hands fly out, shadows streaming towards her as her knee gives out. Her eyes close and face scrunches bracing for the impact, but obsidian bands wrap tightly around her torso and keep her upright. Her eyes fly open, confused as to why she didn’t hit the ground, until her they meet mine.

With two strides, I’m in front of her, shadows falling as I gather her into my arms and my face buried in her hair. My grip strengthens as my throat tightens at the emotions that are now burning like a wildfire again.

“You’re going to send me to Malek one of these days.” My words are a whisper in her hair and I hear her huff a laugh, though there’s no humor behind it. I keep her tucked close to me, needing to feel each and every line of her body against mine. To remind myself that she is here, breathing and whole.

“For some reason I think I have an appointment with the god of death before you do.” Grip tightening further, I can’t help the spike of anxiety that cracks through me like lightning.

“Don’t even fucking joke like that.” I bite out each syllable, I can’t stand the thought of her talking about her life so flippantly.

I pull her back and let my gaze search hers. Her own eyes seem to flit around my entire face, but I don’t miss the way that they pull, trying decidedly to close. She lets out a large yawn and goes to pull away from me, but even a slight separation feels like a blade to my ribs.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” She turns, clearly intent on leaving me behind, but I won’t have it. My hand flies out to grab her wrist and I whirl her back around to face me.

“Then come with me.” Everything about me softens, my tone, my eyes, my entire posture. I let the plea of the words shine in the gold of my eyes.

“Come with you where? I don’t even know where we are. All I know is there are two people that are grateful for my existence in this cottage that offered me a warm bed.” She gestures towards the cottage as if they are the only ones that care about her existence.

“You’re in Aretia. I took you here after Pavis was evacuated.” The words are just facts, she should know by now I wasn’t going to let her go back to Tecarus or to the waiting arms of Drake. I leash the jealousy before it starts to burn a hole in my stomach, knowing its not the time to let the green-eyed monster make its appearance known.

“While I appreciate everything you’ve done for Red and Ceridwen, I’ll only be staying until I feel back to myself fully.” She turns to walk away again, and I refuse to back down.

“You are staying here.” I insist, not letting her get a word in as I step forward and tower slightly over her. But the entire world stops as her eyes begin to glaze over and roll skyward.

“Y/N, Love.” It’s all I manage before she collapses in my arms, and I waste no time scooping her up and heading back towards the horse. Her breathing turns labored, and I can tell she is solely focused on keeping her chest rising and falling.

Heartbeat galloping as fast as the stallion below me, I try to control my grip so I don’t crush or jostle her. I fold her tightly into me as we ride as fast as possible back to Riorson House.

“You’ll be alright love; you just need to hold on for me.” I whisper as my mouth grazes her ear, but I can hear the fear in my own voice.

Her breathing is continuing to grow shallow as we are jolted through the rocky terrain. My eyes are constantly moving between her and the terrain in front of us. Riorson House comes into view but it does little to quell the panic.

My eyes catch hers for a heartbeat and I can only imagine the terror she can see swimming in them. I want to drop my head to hers, to be closer than I am, but I won’t risk the horse not getting us straight back.

We come to a sudden halt and I use the shadows to lift her from the horse and then back into my waiting arms.

“Where’s Brennan?” I bark as I rush through the now emptier hallways. Though those present now part quicker than before. Good. I don’t need any fucking obstacles.

“Wh-what the hell Riorson?” Brennan’s voice greets my ears as he steps out from the Assembly chambers.

“You need to help her. She fainted and she’s barely breathing.” I explain, but I don’t stop, taking the stairs two at a time back to the privacy of my room.

Kicking the door open I quickly step towards the bed, though I halt to turn towards Brennan.

“Stop standing there and fucking help her!” I roar, Y/N jumping slightly in my arms at the ferocity of my tone. I squeeze her gently as I lower her softly to the bed.

“You need to calm down. Most likely it’s just the aftereffects of the poison trying to leave her system.” Brennan’s voice is calm, too fucking calm for my liking.

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down.” I growl. “She’s been out for two fucking weeks and then disappears and no one fucking tells me! You want me to calm down, then fix her!”

Brennan steps closer, though I don’t miss the look of annoyance he shoots me. It wouldn’t be the first time he has questioned me on my relationship with Y/N. I watch intently as his hands rove over her body, the golden glow of healing slipping over her form.

I don’t realize the breath I’ve been holding until I watch her chest rise and fall into a deep breath. She exhales through her mouth and the relief brings me to my knees.

“Thank the gods.” A breathless whisper leaves me as I bring myself closer to her. She turns and her eyes meet mine. I can only hope she sees the relief that crosses my face. My hand comes up to her face and cradles her cheek, my thumb rubbing back and forth, though I’m unsure if the comfort is for her or myself.

“What happened?” Her brows crease as she tries to shake off the fog clouding her eyes.

Brennan’s movement catches her attention, and her eyes track to his figure seated at the edge of the bed. This isn’t the first time I’ve been thankful to have a mender in the ranks of the rebellion, but with her tentative state, the relief hits differently.

“I believe it was the last remnants of poison pushing through your system.” Brennan relays looking her over.

Her eyes don’t stay focused on him long, as her eyelids begin to flutter, the exhaustion clearly taking its toll. She looks back to me and blinks slowly, trying to fight to stay awake.

“I’m tired.” The words are laced with more meaning than just physical exhaustion and I would be a fool not to catch them.

“I know, my Love.” I murmur to her, continuing the sweep of my thumb against the soft skin of her cheek. “Sleep, I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

I lose the battle with myself and lean forward and placing a lingering kiss to her forehead. The relief that floods through my chest is more forceful than the waterfalls that fall into the Arctile Ocean from the Cliffs of Dralor.

Her eyes flutter closed, and I tighten my grip on her hand, needing the contact, needing to know that she’s still with me.

“She should be out of the danger zone, Xaden.” Brennan’s voice drags me back into the room, moving my focus from the girl in front of me. “Though I would say if she ends up poisoned like that again, I’m worried she may not be able to recover.”

The words slice through the tentative peace that had settled into my bones.

“Then she won’t be.” I reply as my gaze turns back to her. “If its up to me, she’s not going anywhere near the front again until the end of this fucking war.”

Brennan huffs a humorless laugh as he rises from the bed. “For some reason, I don’t think she would take to kindly to that suggestion. I’ve already seen her take a dagger to save someone who has done nothing but push her out of her own relationship, so I don’t think she’ll let you leave her out of the fight.”

I don’t turn around as I hear his footfalls head towards the door. I have nothing to say to that, because as much as I want to keep her safe, I know that she won’t sit idly by. My gaze still stays transfixed as I hear the door open and close, the click giving me a respite from the tumult of adrenaline still roiling through my body.

A few hours later, a tentative knock sounds on the door, the familiar cadence telling me that it’s Garrick on the other side. I flick my wrist and shadows unlatch the door, tugging Garrick forward into the room.

“Heard it’s been a tumultuous day.” He comments as he walks towards the bed, staring down at Y/N still tucked safely in the sheets. I let my hand drift from hers, but the space is something I loathe.

A tired sigh leaves me as I settle farther back in the chair and look at my best friend. “You could say that.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re the distance wielder between the two of us.” He muses as he settles on the side of the bed, giving Y/N a once over as she sleeps. “You and Sgaeyl were gone before I could even get out of the dining hall.”

My shoulders shrug in response, there’s nothing really to say when he knew the reason I was out of there the minute my rounds of patrol were over.

“How’s she doing, Xaden?” He asks as he squeezes her hand. The worried looks that he and Bodhi give her don’t escape me, though they both try to hide them as best they can.

“She wasn’t even here.” I recount and his gaze swings back to me, confusion written in his brows. “She had woken up, showered, and went into Aretia to the couple I told you about. I almost broke Bodhi’s jaw when he tried to run away from me to avoid telling me she wasn’t here.”

Garrick’s boisterous laugh brings a smirk to my face, my emotions settling slightly at the comforting feeling of a conversation with my best friend. Though it helps that my Blaze is sleeping soundly in bed and I know that she’s out of danger.

“I found her, of course, but she fainted, and I rushed here to get her to Brennan. Apparently, there were still remnants of the poison in her system.”

“Brennan thinks she may not recover if she takes a poisoned blade again, so we’re going to have to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Protectiveness sears into my tone and Garrick’s change in features tells me he’s not afraid to do what needs to be done to keep her safe as well.

“We’ll keep her safe.” His words are firm; an agreement wrapped in care. “Do you think she’ll forgive you? – Forgive us?”

The words roll off his tongue as he turns back to her, though I don’t miss the flash of regret in his eyes.

“I hope so. Hell, I’ll beg and plead for the rest of my life if she’ll just give me a chance.”

‘So hopeless.’ Sgaeyl slips through my mind, but there’s no malice in her tone. A feeling of warmth wraps around my mind and although Sgaeyl may never actively say she loves my Blaze, there’s no doubt she does.

“I’ll leave you both to get some rest.” Garrick says as he rises from the bed. He stops in front of me and clasps his hand hard on my shoulder. “No matter what happens, we’ll take care of her Xaden. She’s important to all of us and its time she is reminded of that.”

I give a confirming nod as his hand squeezes my shoulder before he strides out the door. As the small click of the lock sounds, I settle myself back in the chair, hand outstretched and grasping hers tightly in my own. My lids fall closed, the comfort of being near her settling me enough for sleep for the first time in ages.

________________________________

Her head rests on my shoulder and my eyes trace our intertwined hands. I can feel the soft smile that glides across her face as she stares out towards the burnished gold and orange of the oncoming sunset. The imposing forms of Sgaeyl and Dhioch flank each side of us, both dragons curled in a pose of relaxation.

Since my father’s death, my life has been consumed by the rebellion and sleepless nights at every turn. But sitting here, in the quiet, for the first time in ages I find my mind has stilled. Instead of the incessant need to make plans, to be ahead of the enemy, my body and mind give me a reprieve. I’m not sure if its her comforting presence, the weight of her hand in mine, or her general company but I relish the quiet. The ease of the feeling settling deeply into my bones.

My head turns as my gaze focuses on her, I let myself drink in every bit of her face. Eyes trace the swoop of her nose, the brush of her eyelashes against her cheek as she slowly blinks, the gentle curve of her lips, every hollow and dip causing my heart to swell.

In that moment I realize I’ve let myself be swept into a tide of emotion that I never thought I would feel again. For the first time, my heart isn’t just full of ache, but the honeyed sweetness of love.

As if sensing the turn in my thoughts, her gaze lifts to me, her face radiating the feelings I never wanted to name again. Gods. How had I not seen it before?

For the last few months she’s spent so much time bandaging my wounds, braving the brunt of my surly moods, and intertwining herself in every facet of my life, all while pulling story after painful story from me and my family. A brief thought of her being torn from me causes my grip on her hand to tighten.

Her brow cocks up in curiosity and whatever she sees behind my eyes has her hand rising to my face. Her palm rests gently on my cheek and I find myself leaning into the gesture.

“You don’t need to let yourself drift to worst case scenarios for everything, you know?” I huff as she reads me perfectly. Sometimes I have to remind myself I’m the one that is the inntinsic and not her.

My forehead falls to hers as I pull her onto my lap, wanting her to be as close as possible.

“How did I get so lucky?” I murmur into her ear; affection wrapped in every word.

“I wouldn’t say it was luck that I was the one to help you with bloodied knuckles.” She muses, a playful grin sliding across her face. My eyes flare at her playfulness and a smirk of my own paints my lips before I let my fingers trill against her ribs.

Her eyes flare at the gesture as she squirms against the onslaught of tickling.

“No, no no! Stop. Stop!” She shrieks as she wiggles off my lap and onto the grass next to me.

As she tries to gather her breath, I switch my position to be on top of her, her hips straddling my own. My head dips as I trace my nose against hers, the motion making my heart swell. Her eyes close at the gesture and she brings her hands around my neck, her nails trailing lightly at my nape.

The minute her eyes open, they meet my gaze, and I take in every single line and speck of color that dances through them. The crinkles at the ends of her eyes let me know she’s smiling, and I just can’t help myself any longer.

“I love you.” The words come out in a whisper, though my heartrate begins to speed as the final word is past my lips.

I watch her eyes widen, a flare of shock making the color dance. For a minute I’m frozen, worried that I’ve crossed a line that I’ll never be able to come back from. Then the shock morphs into a look I’ll never be able to erase from my mind.

“I love you, Xaden Riorson.” Her words are louder than mine. “I love you so very much.” It isn’t the first time she’s spoken them to me, but I will never in my life get tired of those three words falling from her lips.

A smile that I’m not sure anyone but her has ever seen crosses my lips before I dip my head and capture her lips. The kiss is sweet, the taste of her dancing wildly on my tongue, emotion drifting through every sweep. I hold myself on my forearms, but soon enough I need her closer, rolling sideways and bringing her body to rest on top of mine. One of my hands finds her face and wraps gently around her cheek, the other glides tightly around her waist tugging her to me as firmly as possible.

“Say it again.” She whispers breathlessly between kisses.

“I love you, Y/N.” I repeat, this time with added volume to my voice. “I’m in love with you. And Amari help me if anyone ever tries to take you away from me.”

Both hands find their way to her cheeks, tilting her head to look directly in my eyes. “I’m not an honest man, maybe not even a good one. But you are mine and I will fight with everything that I have to keep you by my side – for as long as you’ll have me.”

As consciousness begins to tug me forward, the pull of stiff muscles from falling asleep in a chair pulls me from the bliss of memory. I don’t have many nights of good memories to relive, but that one is by far my absolute favorite. My eyes flutter as I try to wipe the lingering smile from my face. But the minute my eyes focus on the bed in front of me, terror spikes through my chest as I see the empty bed.

I jolt up, the chair scraping loudly on the stone floor as my strides quickly edge towards the door.

“Xaden.” The murmur of a voice has my head whipping towards the windows. I eat up the space between us in two strides, my hand grabbing gently for her elbow to turn her to face me.

“Are you feeling alright?” Concern floats through my vision as I let my gaze trail her up and down, my touch soft as to not cause any additional pain. The panic that she’s not fully healed pulling at me.

“I’m…better. Not sure if I’ll ever be alright.” The admission makes my hands slide further around her and tighten. I will do everything in my power to ensure her safety, to keep her whole.

A look of fierce determination settles in her eyes as she looks back at me sharply. I can’t help the way I tense hoping that she won’t pull away.

“What do you want Xaden? After living through the last few months, I need to know. What do you want?”

Her tone is all business, clearly done with any type of excuses or games, which is good because I’m done pretending being without her isn’t killing me.

“I want everything you’ll give me.” The words spill as I cup her face. I want to force her hand, but in this situation, she has more than the upper hand after my actions.

“I can’t fucking let you go. I refuse.” My voice picks up in fervor and I let the fire behind them dance with the severity in the claim. “What I said back in Cordyn, I meant every godsdamned word. I just need you to believe me. I need your love.”

My eyes never leave hers, but at her continued silence the anguish of losing her begins to shine through. “I need you to give me another chance. Just one. I promise I won’t disappoint you.”

Her eyes slide closed and I feel like I’m waiting on the executioner’s signal to bring the sword down onto my neck. I can feel the war inside her, the battle between her heart and head causing a frown to crease her beautiful mouth. While I stand there, with my arms still around her, I send another prayer to every single god and hope that she’ll give me another chance.

The words from her own adopted family fly through my mind and it’s the only thing keeping me grounded, letting me believe I might have a chance. “You hurt her deeply, but there’s no question in our mind that she loves you.” Ceridwen’s face is stern as she continues. “You both need to learn this lesson well, there will be fights, doubts, days that you can’t imagine being with each other. But through all the trials, if you can look back and realize every memory worth keeping is with each other – you fight. Fight for love, compassion, for the opportunity to come back to each other. Fight for the chance to give each other the world the next day, even if it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.”

Her eyes finally open and I can swear she can hear my heart about to beat out of my chest. My body stiffens, ready for the blow, though my hands that linger on her face are soft.

“Are you going to fight for this like you will for the continent?” Her question is quiet, subdued in the way I’ve never heard before and it breaks my heart all over again.

“I will fight with everything in my being, until my last dying breath. I will always fight for you harder than I would ever fight for the continent.” My words are a vow, a promise. There is no way to mince the meaning behind them, and I let my hand fall and tug her towards me by her waist.

My breath is frozen in my lungs as I wait for her response. Dread and hope hanging in a precarious balance. Her hand comes up to meet mine that is still lingering on her face. I watch in dread as she brings it down, certain she is about to walk away, it takes every bit of control not to fall to my knees.

As if in slow motion, I watch her hand lower and as she brings it closer to her mouth, my blood begins roaring in my ears. Her lips slowly land on my palm, the smooth warmth brushing the coarse callouses, my breath hitches and then the dam breaks. I let my hand tunnel through her loose hair and pull her fully against me.

It’s impossible for her not to hear the way my heart is beating at a gallop. The organ sings with elation and hope in equal measure. Moments pass and I let my hand move to the nape of her neck and angle her face to me. I watch as the moonlight catches in her eyes, pools of love I could drown myself in.

“May I kiss you?” The words are a whisper because I’m afraid if I speak too loudly, I will break this mesmerizing spell.

“Only if you promise it’s only the first in a lifetime’s worth.” The smile that creeps onto my face is as bright as the day we finally both exchanged ‘I love you’s’ as I tug her forward and kiss her like she is the oxygen I breathe.

The small noise of surprise she lets out makes my pounding heart soar again as I feel her smile stretch while I continue to kiss her with all the longing that I’ve been keeping pent up for months. She lets out a small laugh and I can’t help the way my own smile answers hers, passionate kisses turning languid.

I kiss her slowly, savoring every single time my own mouth meets hers. My tongue gently glides against her bottom lip and the minute she opens; I’m remapping each single inch of her delicious mouth. Every ounce of worry and anguish begins to melt from my body as I feel her become pliant in my arms. I relish in the way she liquefies towards me, the fire that never banks for the woman in front of me coming back to a roar. I slowly back up, dragging her with me before the back of my calves hit the bed. I drop down to the mattress, not breaking the kiss for a moment and tighten my hold again, wanting her as close as possible.

She gasps as I press every inch of us together, the puzzle of our bodies slotting together as perfectly as ever. I pull away, loathe to have a second away from her kiss, but needing to see her face. I let my forehead rest on hers as we both catch our breath.

“Gods, I missed you. Your taste, your lips, the way you fit in my arms.” I punctuate each word with a kiss, both needing to give and take the affection.

“Missed me enough to put me first?” Her tone is serious, intent on making sure that she will hold enough attention to be my sole focus.

Desiring her to know that there is no one above her, I grasp her face again, my eyes firm as they take in every inch of her. “No one and nothing will ever come before you again. That is the easiest promise that I could ever make.”

My hand snakes around her waist and I pull her flush against me again and for the first time in months I delight in the way her body relaxes into my touch. As she eases into me, I guide her head into the crook of my neck and place a lingering kiss to her forehead. Burying my face in her hair, I take a full breath, trying to hold back the thankful emotions that threaten the tears to fall once more.

“You are the light to my shadow. The only home I’ll ever find rest in, and I’ll spend the rest of my life more than satisfied if I always have you.” I whisper the words into her hair, hoping they can settle both our hearts. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, whether or not we will both walk away from this war, but I do know that every single minute from this point on will be with her by my side.

My own body begins to sag in relief, in joy, as it finally recognizes that I’m home.

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