#mattnotryan

[mathgeek101]

I never thought I’d be good friends with Matt. Or Matt, frankly. I just want them both to be happy. They deserve that. they both have just been great to me, and are fantastic people.

[mathgeek101]

I want a hug from Matt. I want to tell him how much I appreciate him. I want to talk to him, all the time. I need him to know that I am here for him, just like he is for me. I want to tell him that I love him. I love him in so many ways I can’t even begin. He is one of the greatest people I know, and I don’t know why I can’t not love him. He is charming, and genuine and overall fantastic. 

He sent me a picture of his backyard - “The backyard is pretty” and I replied “The world is so beautiful” He sends me a picture of himself, circled and labeled, “the world”. I tell him, “You too, Matt. Beautiful” AND THEN he proceeds to send me 8 selfies. I have to admit I watched all 80 seconds. The last one he captioned “you’re welcome” what a goof. He said he’s just procrastinating. MattnotRyan has been under a lot of stress, it seems. I want him to know that I appreciate him a lot and that I think he is doing a lot of stuff. I was telling a friend how he was complaining a bunch, and she said she thinks he has a bad attitude. I don’t think she understands that he’s in jazz band, winds, combo, and his own band. IN addition to his classes. I know she works, but I think he has more on his plate than she does. He doesn’t really have time to practice, and he got confronted about it by the director of winds, and I just want to help him so much. I want him to not feel like he sucks or that he isn’t doing good enough or whatever. I just hope he puts in the effort for it. I want him to be happy and satisfied with his life, and I don’t think he is. I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy. I want Matt to be happy, and I want Anthony to be happy, and I want Joe to be happy, and I want my sisters to be happy, and I want to be happy.

[mathgeek101]

(Obligatory Matt post of the day)

I talked to MattnotRyan this morning and realized I actually have a pretty good friendship with him. I feel so free and open and able to talk to him with such ease. With Anthony, however, I feel unable to speak to him. I can’t find my voice around him. With MattnotRyan, it’s just my own voice. With Anthony, my own self doesn’t seem to do, so I just don’t say much. He’s kind of a jerk anyway. So Matt (Saxymatt), is an amazing person. I feel so human around him. I feel like I can be anyone around him, but the only person I want to be when I’m around him is me. It is so freeing. I can tell him anything, apparently. I didn’t know that before today. The thing is though - he already knows everything. He is the ultimate gossip king. I was telling him about “some guy” and he knew I was talking about Anthony. He is now giving me some romantic advice. I keep saying things, not knowing what I expect him to say. He doesn’t quite say something cheesy and silly, but he definitely knows what I need to hear. Golly, I am so grateful for him. He’s just being himself and that’s all I need. Well, it’s all I want. Especially from a friend.

[mathgeek101]

My favorite kind of “media stalking” or whatever you want to call it, is looking up someone on spotify, because it’s the music they enjoy and I just think it reveals a really important side of that person. It reminds me of that one post that says something like “if someone tells you their favorite song, listen to it, I don’t care if it’s ten minutes long. I think after that you’ll know something more about that person” It’s true. I love listening to other people’s music choices. I’m not sure what I learn about them from it, but I definitely know something more.

[mathgeek101]

I saw a post once that said something like It’s about who you miss at two in the afternoon when you’re busy, not at two in the morning when you’re lonely.

I think about that all the time. Because I don’t think I miss anyone in the middle of the day. I certainly miss everyone in the middle of the night though. It’s actually 2 AM right now and I miss Joe. I don’t even feel like I have the right to miss Joe. But why do I need someone’s permission to miss someone? I also really want to talk to MattnotRyan. But I don’t know what about. I want to talk to him in the middle of the day too, though. I think I just want Matt to be my pal because I think he is way rad. He has such a great smile and I just want to be a cause for it. I want to make him smile.

That’s always been a goal of mine. If you look at Jenn’s twitter, there’s a post from a million years ago that is a quote from me - “I want to make people funny. wait no. I want to make people laugh at my funny.” which is so true. I’ve always thought of myself as a somewhat humorous person, and I just want to make people happy and smile, because seeing people smile is the only thing that matters. Happy people are just the best. As I said once - bearded fellows are so my weakness, but so are happy people. I think I would do a lot of things just to make people happy. Like get out of their lives.

Aaron. I’m always really rude to him. He irritates the heck out of me. I try not to talk to him much because (a) he makes me irate and rude, (b) he gets mad at me also, and (c) I think he’s happier without me. He deserves that. Even if it means I intentionally lose connection to him, he deserves happiness. People deserve happiness. 

[mathgeek101]

Trying not to smile at MattnotRyan, but also trying not to seem like a total jerk to him.

[mathgeek101]

I am a social mess.

Rant about people mostly..

For marching band, we just run on to the field. In the Queen show, we were in a scatter, so no one was behind me. In this show, I’m the line leader. AaronBassoon plays clarinet in marching band, and stands right behind me. He kept telling me to run faster because he was going to get me! I got so anxious even though I know he wouldn’t run me over.

I was telling Rachel about how last week I was very certain that MattnotRyan and I were friends. But this week I was not sure at all. Last week he would instantly say hello when he saw me. This week he definitely seemed a little not so friendly. Earlier today he did say hi at the same time I said hi to him, so that’s good. But yesterday he definitely ignored me a little. He has the best smile and is so handsome when he’s happy. As are most people.

Joe is the best. He is one of my favorite people. Rachel said that last year he didn’t talk at all, but this year he actually talks and stuff. I think it’s because of James ( they went to highschool together and were friends then, as well.), but also because of me. 

I was sitting in the ILC earlier, and some people came by (that I knew) and asked if the would sit with me, and my answer was “I  guess” and I didn’t realize how much I need that empty alone time. I’m not lonely, just alone. I enjoy it. Ben was gone from class on Monday, and wow class was horrible. It was weird and quiet and lonely. I felt less happy about math and wow how can I be so dependent on people.

When I was sitting alone in the ILC I wasn’t lonely. When Ben was absent I felt very lonely. 

[mathgeek101]

MattnotRyan told me that his clarinet playing test went well! I asked him if I had actually helped him at all  and he said it was mostly the encouragement that helped. so I did a good thing. I was happy for him.

I tend to get really weird in the late afternoon around 2-4. I forget how to be cool around people and I’m sure Matt thinks I’m super weird. I’m sorry, Matt.

I was talking to Jennifer about Matt and I just went “so Ben,” and It was really awkward. I immediately stopped talking and just was weirded out.

Ben has this great gray shirt, and I really like it. I told him it was a really good color. “It’s gray.” “It’s a good gray though.” Greg has a gray shirt that I really like, too. I just like gray shirts, I guess.

There are these hats at the mall that I like. But I don’t know if I can pull them off well, or if I just look like a dork. I found this one leather jacket that Jennifer says I can pull off well.

I straight up told Greg I miss him. He just goes “yeah....” “is that you saying you miss me too?” “YES RHIANNON” He’s so great. and Ana doesn’t understand why I miss him. It’s like, because I’m friends with him? I can like people without your permission. I think he is nice and he likes me well enough so I can miss him if I want. I miss him as a person and as a bassist. Our vocal jazz bassist is fine, but he’s no Greg. I kinda want Greg to come to BSU so I can hang out with him, but I kinda want him to go to college in France and become a pastry chef and stuff. :)

I love seeing people smile. Watching people just involuntarily bare their teeth in happiness is great. It makes me happy.